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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:
inabeautifulplace · 16/06/2012 07:36

YABVU. The poor bloke has travelled the length of the country to see his gf and you are refusing to allow them any intimacy.

Your house your rules? Unless you refuse to allow ANY visitors to share a bed then you are simply being unfair to your own child. I totally understand reservations with younger people, but your daughter is an adult in a stable relationship. Get used to it!

CailinDana · 16/06/2012 07:40

My mother went one step further than this - when I started seeing DH at uni, and I still lived at home, I wasn't allowed to spend the night at DH's house, I had to come home. The weird thing was that it didn't matter whether I came home at 3am or 7am, as long as I didn't go there Friday night and stay till Saturday afternoon. It was absolutely ludicrous and made no sense - it wasn't as if it stopped us having sex, all it did was piss me off and meant I wasted money on getting taxies at stupid hours of the morning. I would love to ask her what she was thinking, but she would just blow me off, my mother doesn't discuss anything. Strangely enough, we broke up for a few months, then got back together and after that I was allowed to stay over Confused.

We never stayed in my parents' house before we were married because there was no need but I assume that if we had we'd have had to stay in separate rooms.

MIL charmingly has the habit of knocking on the door in the mornings, and has knocked while we were having sex on a few occasions. Eventually I had to insist that DH tell her to stop bringing us up cups of tea, and thankfully she has. Who goes into the bedroom of a young couple at 9 o clock with a cup of tea?? Bloody nutter.

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 07:56

They are adults in a long term relationship - I would let them share the room. My DS -22yrs- is now living with his girlfriend so it would be pretty silly to put them in separate rooms!

mypersonalfavourite · 16/06/2012 07:58

Yabu. She is an adult and you are treating her like a child. If you want her to keep coming home for the holidays and have a meaningful adult relationship with her you have to treat her with respect.

He boyfriend has travelled a long way to see her and (shock horror) sex is a part oftheir relationship. It's not up to you to control that.

Himalaya · 16/06/2012 07:59

Have you talked to your DD about what she would like?

I guess if she has a single bed and the only spare bed you have is single it is ok to install him in the spare room (...he may want to sleep at some point). But if you have another guest option that is double then it is unreasonable.

You have put yourself in an akward situation though - unless you are a religious hard liner about anyone having sex outside marriage you will have to treat your DD as an adult at some point. How about asking her if shed like to buy a double bed for her room?

LaAmanda · 16/06/2012 08:00

YANBU; it's all about respect. It might even be very embarrassing for your daughter for you to suggest it. Of course you know they're sleeping together but that shouldn't be happening in your own house. This could be the first of many boyfriends couldn't it.

ItWasThePenguins · 16/06/2012 08:02

Me and Dh have twin beds at my mums. We were allowed to push them together when we stayed before going to airport for honeymoon.

crazycanuck · 16/06/2012 08:06

YABU for all the reasons already stated. My mom had such hang ups about this, I laugh at it now but looking back she was a big unhinged about it. Once my ex (who I was engaged to at the time but did not end up marrying) and I fell asleep on top off the bedspread on my old bed at home (was 21 and had been away at uni since I was 18) with the lights on and the door wide open. She came in and woke us up because what we had done 'was unseemly'! Confused

Then the following summer when I followed him across the country for a few months she actually asked me 'But where will you sleep?' and when I said that the place we were staying in had a spare bedroom she actually thought I would sleep in there! She really buried her head in the sand when it came to my sex life...

crazycanuck · 16/06/2012 08:08

bit unhinged, stupid phone!

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 08:08

It could also be the one that she is going to spend the rest of her life with LaAmanda.
I don't think that you would do it with a 30 yr old in a long term relationship, so why a 20 yr old?

JumpingThroughHoops · 16/06/2012 08:10

Some people have moral boundaries. Whether or not you agree with them is neither here nor there. They have the right to have those boundaries and not have them infringed within their own home.

raspberryroop · 16/06/2012 08:10

It really depends if you want an open and honest relationship with your adult daughter or one where you treat her and she probably behaves live a 13 yr old.

TheCunningStunt · 16/06/2012 08:11

I don't think yabu. I don't get why people would want to have sex when their parents could hearConfused. I managed to not do it and survived. I am neither a prude or damaged due to my parents rule. I respected her wishes. It's hardly difficult.

And to the poster who went on to have loud sex to prove a point to her parents??? EeeeeewHmm I am not old fashioned either but that's weirdGrin

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 08:12

It seems mad to me to know they are sleeping together and to pretend to yourself that they are not!

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 08:15

I take the view that your relationship with your DCs changes over the years and it should do. You treat them in an age appropriate way.

GhouliaYelps · 16/06/2012 08:17

Yanbu dd is not doing this until she is married.

Himalaya · 16/06/2012 08:17

Thecunningstunt - so no one should share a bed with their DH when they go to stay at PILs house etc?!?

MegBusset · 16/06/2012 08:17

YABU, they are adults! If you have friends coming to stay who happen to be unmarried, do you make them sleep in separate rooms too?!

GhouliaYelps · 16/06/2012 08:19

They are not my children meg!

HMQueenElizabeth · 16/06/2012 08:20

Before my DH became my DH we were seeing each other for 10 years from the age of 18-28. At my house my parents took the view we were sleeping together at uni so we could share a bed in their house. His parents took the view that although we were sleeping together at uni we had to have separate rooms in their house.

Neither of us were all that bothered, it would have been nice I share a bed when at his parents but they weren't comfortable with it so that was fine.

It was only when we moved in together properly after uni that his parents let us share a room.

It's no big deal, you must do what you feel in your own home.

MissRee · 16/06/2012 08:20

Ha! I'm 30, have been with DP for 3 years and we have a 5-month old DD. if we go to my parents we have to stay in separate rooms!

MegBusset · 16/06/2012 08:26

Lol MissRee, perhaps they think it was an immaculate conception Grin

anyway I had an ex whose parents were like this, I was 21 and he was 25... We just learned to tiptoe very quietly Wink

Rikalaily · 16/06/2012 08:27

Yabu, they are adults, it's not like they are 16 and randy teens, they probably wouldn't have sex while staying over anyway. I'm 33 and my partner is 30, we have kids! We don't have sex at his parents house when we are staying over there but we do share a bed and to be quite frank if they expected otherwise we just wouldn't stay there, we'd book into a hotel so we weren't made to feel like naughty kids.

nottonitejosefine · 16/06/2012 08:29

God I remember being engaged to DH (we will celebrate our 25th anniversary next week) and we had to have separate rooms when I lived at home. I had to sleep on a camp bed in my parents room - at the age of 20/21 and he slept in my room.

The DS's are 13 and 15 so I am not quite there yet, but I think if it was a long term relationship then yes I would put them in the same room.

Inertia · 16/06/2012 08:32

As long as you are happy for your DD to insist, once she has her own home, for you and your spouse to sleep in separate rooms -on the basis that she doesn't want to hear her parents having sex under her roof, perhaps- then it would be reasonable.

My view is that YABU - they are adults in a long term relationship.

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