To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

[wishinonastar]

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

it was the reason why i moed in with my then boyfriend, he is now my husband.

i was (and still) voting, working and paying taxes and i was hell bent over to think my mother could control my sex life. I was paying my subs and on top of that paid my own internet, full sky and phone line.

I'm surprised at so many YABUs, my Catholic ILs wouldn't let us share a room before we were married and we respected that (well, apart from the odd sofa shag).

I think they put a double bed in DH's old room about 7 years after we got married so in between it was separate beds, but again no problem - it's their house.

I would understand if you are religious, but apart from that, YABU.

You may feel uncomfortable with the thought of them having sex, but they may not even have sex. How do you think she has felt over the years, sleeping under the same roof knowing her parents must of been at it quite a lot of the time whilst she slept? I used to go to sleep listening to my walkman just in case i heard anything.

It is the fact of life. These days, you don't have to be married to be in a sexual relationship. They are adults, and are in a serious relationship. If anything, banning them from sharing the same room, would encourage them even more so to find other ways to do the deed.

I haven't lived with my mother since I was 16, but thankfully, DP's mother invited me into their home after only meeting me once, before we was even that serious, and allowed us to share a room without batting an eyelid. I have more respect for her for that. And whenever I have visited my mother, she has also always allowed us to share a bed. It has never even come about in topic to do anything other than that.

Another thing, if you went to stay at their house, would you be happy if they made you and your partner sleep in different beds? As, the only thing that I am assuming is different, is a piece of paper.

They are adults in a serious relationship, and need to be treated like so.

What has religion to do with either morals or comfortable beliefs? That's bollocks. You don't have to believe in fairy tales to not be happy with that.

YABU. Unless you have very good reasons to disprove of sex before marriage, it's a controlling gesture rather than a moral one. It's not about sex either really, more about respecting the adult relationship that your adult child is in.

It never occurred to me to separate my grown-up sons from their partners for this very reason. Apart from anything else, when would you stop? When they marry? When they have a child? Or never, despite the pointlessness of the gesture?

Within some religions, they believe in no sex before marriage, do they not?

My parents sleep in separate beds under my roof. I know they've done it at least twice (I have a brother) but my house, my rules...

I'd probably relax on this one, OP. FWIW, dh & I would never, ever get up to anything in a creaky 4'6 double located directly above DPs room, but various boyfriends & I found a way when in separate rooms when I was a teenager or student.

Much better just to allocate them a double room & not fuss about it!

I would never expect my mother and her partner, or DP's mother or her partner to sleep in separate rooms from their partners. I treat their relationship as I wish for mine to be treated. They are adults, not children.

at what age will you stop? what if they move away, come back to visit and are 30yrs old...still seperate beds? ifthey were married would you stop them?

YABVU

That's the thing Amber, if they are going to do the deed, they will sure as hell try to be as discrete as possible. Who on earth wants their parents/children here them at it?

It is going to happen though. It is the fact of life. It screams hypocrisy to me when parents, or their children, are happy to share a bed with their long term partner, but object to their children/parents sharing a bed. It isn't like everyone is rampant rabbits and at it all the time. Most of the time, going to sleep whilst cuddling your loved one is sufficient enough. Especially when in someone elses home and being petrified of being heard.

hear, not here.

Your house your rules, I'm sure they are still enjoying themselves whilst at yours my bf and I did when my parents did that

You do know it won't stop anything happening? My in laws used to do this to us. We just sneaked into each others rooms. They finally let us sleep in the same bed - I think after hearing squeaky floorboard creaking as we went crept into a room together.

It is totally up to you.

I'm 22, my parents did it and we lived together. I don't think u aibu. Not at all. Your house, your rules. I'd make my Dd do it? It's respect.
In fact I wouldn't even question it with my folks, I'd assume!

On reflection I think we did it more often when we couldn't share a bed

what sort of beds are in the rooms. Of they are both single then I suppose it's more logic to have them one in each bed (where is the OP btw?)

lovecat I think you might be my sister. My mum did the double bed thing with my elder sister when she got married - and with me, she practically had a ceromony - I kid you not!

i'm thinking what I would do, i think if my boys brought a girl home from uni or somewhere after they'd left home then I most likely have them in the same room as we don't have aspare roon (presuming we are still in the same house!) If we had a spare room I think I'd just ask them if they want to share

YANBU because it is your house and therefore your rules and you can direct guests to sleep wherever you are more comfortable that they sleep. But yes, you are being a bit old fashioned, and putting them in separate rooms is not going to stop them shagging if they want to.

It won't stop them sneaking to each other's rooms in the middle of the night I know because I did it but I personally think YANBU. Shows some respect.

FWIW my parents did this, but my (now) DH's parents let me sleep in the same bed with him (before we were married) and I couldn't have found it more awkward - whenever his mum came into our room to get things, I would hide under covers, mortified . We weren't even doing anything but I suppose the Catholic guilt thing was working its magic :o)

Am at Oshuk who would let her DS sleep in the same bed with his gf, but not give the same rights to her DD (unless it's an age thing?).

Echoing what most have said: your house, your rules. Therefore you set the boundaries. If it makes you uncomfortable then don't allow it.

The others can whine on !is it the 1950's" or "respect her choices" "shes an adult" sorry but she should respect your stance and not even ask. Mind you reading back, she hasn't asked, this is just your dilemma.

So if they don't ask, dont bring up the subject.

Mind you, if you do have younger children, then once they turn 16 you are going to find it difficult to keep the moral high ground because pester power doesnt just apply to toddlers - you will run the whole gamut of "but they did it", then you have to justify why one relationship is more valid than another.

My parents didn't let dh and I share a room even when they knew we were living together at university. It certainly didn't make me respect them! We just didn't visit very often at all, and when we did as soon as they went to bed we changed beds and then had sex, as we generally did most nights at that point in our relationship. But then my mother has very odd hang ups about sex and I'm the youngest of four so it didn't come as a surprise, it just made visiting them unpleasantly stressful. Mostly we stayed with dh's family who just assumed that as we were dating we'd be sharing a room.

Yabu

I don't think its unreasonable. Until I met DP any boy who stayed at my parents house with me had my bed, and I was on the sofa! The only reason it changed with DP was the first night he stayed, we had other family members staying so we had no choice. This even applied to boy-friends who I went to school with, had known for years, nothing more than friendship between us. Mum's house, Mum's rules. Don't like it, don't stay... Simple