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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:
SoozyWoozy · 18/06/2012 18:20

My parents didn't let me and now DH share a room until we were married... I thought it was very old fashioned (especially as we lived together), but it was her house so we respected her wishes until she was out and made up for lost time

Theglassishalffull · 18/06/2012 18:21

47 have read your posts, whist I understand ( but not agree ) your view on pre marital sex, I think your sweeping statements about things do fill me with sadness. Whilst I do acnolage your view I don't think you can judge them by your 'morals'.

I pesonally don't believe in no sex before marriage. I believe that sex can and should be special and you should only do so when you are both ready and in stable relationship. I have never had a one night stands as I dont belive ib them but that is personal to me I would not frown on someone else if you that is what they choose to do. Those are one my morals but I won't force them on other people.

47 on a realistic note, if one of your children turned round and said the were gay do you seriously expect them to never share a bed with their partner?

NarkedRaspberry · 18/06/2012 18:22

'Overreliance on government'

Are you American???

fedupofnamechanging · 18/06/2012 18:34

47, I am presuming that you are beyond the age where you can naturally have children. If that is the case, have you stopped having sex, because what's the point if you aren't going to be making babies?

When I hear religious types banging on about marriage being for the production of children, I wonder where they stand on older people getting married, or people who don't want to have children. Do their weddings not count?

WhiteWidow · 18/06/2012 18:55

It's slightly off topic but makes me laugh when I end up in these debates

www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

Letter to well known religious gay hater Dr Laura.

WhiteWidow · 18/06/2012 18:55

www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

LadyBeagleEyes · 18/06/2012 19:17

That was pure genius, WhiteWidow Grin

exoticfruits · 18/06/2012 19:56

I am still wondering who 47 has muddled me up with-I have done a search and can't find any evidence of the posts she says that I have made-I certainly don't remember them.

47to31in7days · 18/06/2012 20:18

karmabeliever- actually no, I am not past childbearing age, how ridiculous. You are probably assuming that people born later; 1963, if one takes as a yardstick Philip Larkin's little ditty; automatically agree with "sexual revolution" morality (multiple partners, sodomy, etc. OK- based on pure-humanist "consent"/ "respect"/ "responsibility" principles without the principles of Judeo-Christian tradition, which is why I reject it, being Christian and not a secular-humanistic person.)

Although it is understandable it still makes me Angry Angry when people assume someone's views are in the majority of the TIME they live in. Time does not dictate morality- differences in circumstances with material progress can alter the application of principles needed in certain situations but the ethic of the human body is eternal as it is rooted in eternal things: I do not have the morals of my "era", my "generation" or my "society" and will never be accused of being "of my time" in any obituaries in the unlikely event of my becoming famous. The phrase "times change" is frequently used in debates where I believe it has absolutely no place; its corollary does not apply to me for I do not "change/move with the times".

Correct use:
Person 1: What do you think of child labour?
Person 2: It's bad and needs to stay illegal , why?
Person 1: In the 1800s and before every civilisation allowed it.
Person 2: They had low life expectancy, no welfare provision, most were unable to receive secondary education let alone any further, many were entirely illiterate, there was no social safety net organised by government to provide for parents... in all the circumstances there putting young children out to work could be justified, but now times have moved on and everyone has the opportunity to attend school until they reach adulthood while children don't need the money from work to survive, nor do parents face destitution and absolute hunger if they don't send their children out to work with the welfare state and other provisions. Thus the exploitation and disruption to education which child labour represents is now unacceptable.

INCORRECT USE:
Person 1: What do you think of a man having sex with multiple women before marrying one?
Person 2: It's perfectly fine if they all consent and take care to avoid infections or an unwanted pregnancy
Person 1: It has been accepted as immoral since time immemorial, throughout the West and all over the world...
Person 2: Times change, we have reliable modern contraceptive methods and access to safe legal abortion, our culture values experimentation, self-exploration and self-discovery in youth, we no longer view sexuality as an evil thing or one tainted by "sin".

This is an INCORRECT argument, as the real reason why sex outside of marriage is wrong is not about earthly cultural factors. It is about the heavenly design of the human species: intended by our Creator to express our sexual desires within the sanctified framework of matrimony. This is forever, and withstands any majority of a particular society saying otherwise. Yes, 99% of people would be wrong if they all thought homosexual sex was "equal" to natural intercourse and that a woman should be able to marry a fellow woman in just the same way as a husband. In any democratic system they would have their way over the legal definition of marriage, but one cannot legislate morality- as liberals like to say. Heck, even 100 per cent of people could be wrong...

47to31in7days · 18/06/2012 20:25

exotic- the thread about secrecy in schools, I saved to my computer because it was very important to show how Mumsnet opposes the "family values" movement OVERWHELMINGLY- and it was headed for deletion then it did indeed get deleted. That's why you won't find it.

A poster ironically called MARRIEDinwhite was saying that the OP should not complain about teachers who allow pupils to confide sexual problems in them because it is poor relationships between pupil and parent that cause them to need another "responsible adult" to confide in. She also implied schools should be allowed to hand condoms out, and that the OP has no idea what a "sound" school community is (I myself do not know how one gets from not offering condoms to pupils to not being "sound". I would use that word to describe a school community that was fair, inclusive, respectful, focused and ready to tackle bullying or other disruption of its smooth running. How they deal with Mates Ribbed is not so relevant.)

You wrote that you agreed with marriedinwhite, therefore defending the teachers & opposing the parental argument. Abortion- I may be getting you mixed up there,

WhiteWidow · 18/06/2012 20:26

How do you know out creator is against homosexuality?

You woman have the wrong sort of 'morals' if you think less of someone because of who they love.

DilysPrice · 18/06/2012 20:27

I feel the need to break out AJ Ayer's great quote
"No morality can be founded on authority, even if that authority were divine."
God coming down in a flaming chariot and giving a personal press conference to say that yes, he definitely does require human sacrifice just like many religions believed for thousands of years, would not make it morally right.

Not going to convince 47, but it's a great quote anyway.

Krumbum · 18/06/2012 20:28

You didn't answer any of the questions put to you.
Stop being obsessed with people thinking you are behind the times, no one is even saying that. Your right it is irrelevant, that's why I for one didn't mention it.
Can you actually answer all the very valid questions?

47to31in7days · 18/06/2012 20:29

I believe the Bible and I don't think less of them, I believe they should avoid acting on their same-sex attraction. I don't put homosexuality as a sort of super-sin, treat them like lepers, call them nasty names or harass them. In fact I would stick up for any LGB person being mistreated around me; especially if the perpetrator/s were calling themselves Christians, when I would remind them what Christ said about hate.

lovebunny · 18/06/2012 20:29

oh my goodness. this thread has come a long way.

47to31in7days · 18/06/2012 20:30

AJ Ayer? Is he the ultra ultra hardcore epistemological sceptic who taught verificationism rather than the mainstream Popperian falsificationism, thus making enormous categories of statements devoid of truth in his schema?

fedupofnamechanging · 18/06/2012 20:35

47 when you've finished frothing, can you answer the question? Will you stop having sex once you are past the age of procreation? Because if not, then there is no difference between you having sex and a gay person having sex, since neither of you will be producing any babies. Also why is it okay for people past the age of child bearing able to get married in a church and have their relationship recognised, when they clearly won't be doing the thing that marriage is designed for, in your view?

Btw, I assumed you were older because I incorrectly thought you'd mentioned up thread having adult children - nothing deeper than that!

blonderthanred · 18/06/2012 20:36

I think she was assuming you were 47 because of your nickname.

47to31in7days · 18/06/2012 20:38

I believe that married couples have a right to express their sexuality in other ways as marriage is for more than JUST the procreation of children. So oral/mutual masturbation- fine. Anal sex? Not sure, have read conflicting views on that one. I wouldn't condemn somebody for doing it with their DH/DW, put it that way.

Contraception: although sexual intercourse being open to life is a wonderful thing there are circumstances where a baby would not be well looked after, etc. so not fully opposed to this either.

I very much doubt people would kill themselves because of parents who loved them, treated them respectfully but disagreed over the morality of their relationship. Hateful bigoted ones, possibly- but you are overlooking the pesky little fact that I am not homophobic. There IS a natural order, the fall of man means we have all sorts of predilections to either do evil or pervert what is good. Homosexual lust is a perversion of the erotic love that should exist between man and woman and reach its fullest expression in the intimacies of the marital bed.

Krumbum's questions answered.

WhiteWidow · 18/06/2012 20:42

So basically you think gay people have less rights to a love life because you follow the bible.

Funny how you pick and chose the bits you would like to follow from it. God says it is an abomination, then the bible goes as far to say you should kill them. You believe it's wrong but don't believe in killing them....

WhiteWidow · 18/06/2012 20:46

Man existed before your bible did. Someone came along and wrote this twaddle and in doing so created a load of segregation, sexism, and homophobia for people like you to try and condone.

blonderthanred · 18/06/2012 20:47

Oh, ok karma.

When you put it like that, 47, it all makes perfect sense. How can you possibly be homophobic when you have such well-reasoned views.

Krumbum · 18/06/2012 20:50

But you must understand that LGBT people are mistreated BECAUSE of views like yours. your view is that they are wrong in some way then that causes them to be treated badly. How do you not see that treating a gay couple with no respect is mistreating them? Saying their relationship is immoral, that they should refrain from having sex, that they as adults should not share a bed is disrespectful. I think your confused about what homophobia is, just because you don't go around beating up gay people you do perpetuate the idea that they are lesser to straight people.
Your bible rhetoric is not fact, it's just stories and there is NO evidence for the natural order you keeping going on about. Can you use real evidence to back up anything that you are saying?

DilysPrice · 18/06/2012 20:58

Yes that's the chappy 47. Wasn't expecting him to be your type, but it's one of my favourite quotes and I never pass up an opportunity to give it an airing.

exoticfruits · 18/06/2012 20:59

You were definitely muddling me up on the abortion, since I have never posted about it.
I have no memory of the other one and find it odd that a whole thread was deleted-they very often get into a bun fight with odd posts deleted, but not the whole thing. I agree with someone maybe on one specific thing-it is possible that I agreed with marriedinwhite-I have done on several occasions but can't comment if I haven't seen it.