To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

[wishinonastar]

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

I am not sure what age and the number of potential partners you might have later has got to do with it. She is not a girl, she is a young woman.

Yes I can see that it would be disrespectful to bring a one night stand home to your parents house.

But if two people are in a steady relationship and normally share a
bed then I think the whole "my house my rules" business is disrespectful. Really - would you say this to house guests? I think it is more "my daughters body, my rules". The house is not the issue. If the BF came on holiday with the family I expect the OP would want separate bedrooms. It's nothing to do with the house.

I wonder what OP would do in my case. Eldest late 20's-very nice girlfriend-they work in different parts of the country but have been together over 2 years. Youngest around the age of OP's DD-lovely girlfriend for over 3 years and are now living together.
Do I let the eldest share a room but tell the youngest I don't count him as an adult?!
Or do I just say no marriage-no shared room even if you are 40yrs with 20yrs together and 3 children?
It seems simpler to me to let go at the right time i.e. when an adult. They can book a hotel room for a holiday at 18yrs so it seems very silly to keep to separate rooms at home.

47, so I'm a left wing radical because I'm not religious and don't pander to this silly thinking that marriage is the be and end all? I won't get married because I don't believe in god. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I'd maybe have a blessing, but would that stand to you?

I'm actually quite right wing so nerrrr.

OP, perhaps the key is to let them share a room even though it makes you a bit squeamish and to concentrate on the other aspects of the visit- getting to know the boyfriend, observing what they are like as a couple, letting him get to know you and planning nice meals and fun outings all together. Before you know it you will see him as a person/them as a couple and the theory of the sleeping arrangements will fade into insignificance. Be thankful they are visiting you and she is telling you about her relationship - she could be keeping him under wraps and using every scrap of holiday time to go off travelling like I did.

So yes I think YAB a bit U about the sleeping arrangements. However you are being VERY VERY U and a bit rude not to come back on the thread and join the discussion when so many people have posted helpful advice.

You're fine to set any rules you want with your child, however I think there's a good chance that by making it so clear that you do not wish your child to sleep with anyone in your house they'll be less likely to visit or stay with you in the future.

Would you rather your grandchildren stay in the hotel down the road because your daughter decides to continue to respect your discomfort and not stay?

47, my sister is gay - she can't get married, even if she wants to. She can have a civil partnership, which is much the same thing, but not exactly the same. Would she be allowed to share a bed with her partner, if she was your dd?

WW I am married - don't believe in God though. I don't think I am a hypocrite - so far as I'm concerned my wedding ceremony was a pledge to my dh, and a legal commitment. God had sweet FA to do with it.

I should have worded it better, I don't think others are hypocrites, not at all. I myself would feel like one though, because IME it's a religious thing. What with the churches and the priest etc. (i know some are registerary..) I know it's all legally binding but I don't think it should be. I dnt like how on official forms you have to class yourself as single if you aren't married.

i wouldnt get married in a church, for me that would be hypocritical, dont care what others do! but i would have to get married in a non religious building and i wont be having the traditional vows.

Yeah I think that's what I'd have to do. Ive never really thought it through properly I just know I don't want all this 'in the presence of god' malarky.

Ok, thank you for all the replies. It seems like a mixed bag but the majority think IABU. It's not that I think sex should only be within marriage and we're not a religious family, just that the idea of her having sex in our house seems a little off. I'm not sure how to word my thoughts without it sounding ridiculous which I guess is indicating that IABU.

Tbh if it were only up to me then I probably would have let them share a room by now, but DH feels more strongly about it than me. I feel I should mention as well that they are also in separate rooms at her bf's parents' house.

its a bit head in sand seeing you know they are intimate
i suppose im wondering is this a long term arrangement youll impose as they are unmarried?or is there a cut off point of say 3 years together, now thats substantial enough they can sleep same room...

anyway your house,up to you

I don't think YABU. It's all very well saying this is 2012, it's different these days or whatever and coming up with all sorts of imagined scenarios, but if the OP doesn't feel comfortable then she's perfectly entitled to specify separate bedrooms.

And in any case, even if the daughter and her boyfriend ARE sleeping together, we don't actually know if they MIND being in separate rooms. For all we know, they might be ok with it. And secondly, they're not necessarily going to be having sex all day every day as some people on here assume they are. I'm sure most people can survive the odd night or two without having sex out of respect for their parents.

I must admit reading some of these posts made me quite sad. It's not the having sex bit that bothers me but how some people seem to have little or no respect for their parents. The OP should do what is right for HER, and her daughter and anyone else should respect that decision.

There's no point discussing the 'cut off point' scottishmummy or any other what ifs. Anything could happen in 3/5/10 years. Just deal with the issue NOW!

OP - if your dh also feels uncomfortable then I think you have your answer. Have you actually discussed it with your daughter? What does she think?

time as couple is significant,in say 20years time will the unmarried couple still be in separate rooms. 5,10 years maybe have their own children..will they still be in separate rooms
so if its the having sex in your house thing would they still be separated if married?
of course in someone else house id abide by their preferences

I must admit reading some of these posts made me quite sad. It's not the having sex bit that bothers me but how some people seem to have little or no respect for their parents. The OP should do what is right for HER, and her daughter and anyone else should respect that decision.

I don't see where the lack of respect comes from-it isn't as if my DSs come home insisting on their right to sleep together. I asked them what they wanted to do. Respect works both ways-you can discuss it!
For the moment it seems to work fine for OP but it would be interesting to know when she thinks her DD will be an adult and not a DC returning home. Will the same couple be able to share a room if 25yrs or 30yrs. Is a wedding ring going to make her DH any more comfortable that his DD might have sex under his roof?

I think if you read your own post back you will see you are being totally unreasonable and tbh you dh needs to suck it up and realise his daughter is a grown woman with a long term partner and a sex life. What will you do if they have a child themselves and come to stay? still treat them as children?

yes you need to ask your dd, i mentioned this to dp last night, laughing about the poster who said dp and i would not be able to share a room as we arent married, which he thought was hilarious and also extremely rude.

he just said we will ask them what they want to do, but certainly by the time they are of university age they will be asked what htey want to do. i think its slightly harder to know what we will do with a 16-17 yr old who is in a relationship but living at home, at school etc, i still think that if htey show themselves to be mature and responsible enough we will allow them to share a room, not doing so wont stop them having sex and if they are having sex i would rather they were open with us so we could discuss it with them as adults and make sure htey are being responsible, simply saying 'not under my roof' does nothing to help foster an adult relationship with our children, which is want i want to be aiming for as they reach that age, it will be a matter or respect going both ways.

and i am wondeing what type of 'marriage' counts does it have to be in a chruch, with a religious ceremony, what about a registry office wedding or a civil partnership ceremony or would that not count for some people.

i reallly find it laughable that a couple of 16yr olds who have got married woudl be a granted the privilidge of sharing a room yet myself and my partner who have been together for 14yrs, have 5 children and a mortgage etc would not be!

my parents felt uncomfortable with the idea, i know full well they did, but my dad said to my mum that it was riddiculous, esp once i was pregnant! with ds1 that she didnt want us to share a room.

your dd op is 20 and an adult, she sounds like she is doing well, at university, in a commited relationship and living an adult life, i really think you should afford her the respect of at least asking her what she would like to do.

So they can't sleep together in his parents house either? Feel sorry for the pair of them.

It's not about the sex either.

OP, no matter the age of your daughter or how long she's been with someone, whether she's married or not - there is always the likelihood she will have sex in your house. In fact, she almost certainly already has. Therefore you and your DH don't have much of a leg to stand on (if the ick factor of her having sex in your house is your concern).

She's not a little girl anymore, she's an adult.

And you don't need to deal with/ask about the sleeping arrangements. Sort out a double bed in the room they will stay in, before next time they are due to visit. Say to them when you arrive "here you go" and just leave it at that. If she asks why the change, just say jokingly "well your dad and I thought it was a bit silly for you and X not to share a room when you're here, you are grownups after all!". And no further conversation needs to be had. Because it's NOT an issue (you just think it is, because you and DH don't like the idea of some fella shagging your little princess in your house - well tough shit it's happening anyway). They are grownups so you are treating them as such. END OF.

Whether or not they can share a bed at her bf's parents' place is irrelevant, it's not justification for not treating her like an adult.

I had a non-religious wedding, in a non-religious building (it's not registry office or church, there are other options). My marraige is just as valid as someone else church sanctioned marraige. Marraige isn't about god (to me, since we're both athiests).

I think, honestly, that it's a bit weird to not let them share a room. She's 20, they're in a serious relationship, and I think you should respect that. HOWEVER, I also don't think it is U to not allow them to share, iyswim. If it makes you uncomfortable, then talk to your DD, and she should (since she is an adult), respect that it's not always as cut and dry as 'she's an adult', and that you have feelings as well.

My mum makes me and my boyfriend stay in different rooms when he comes to stay. We have been together for 4 years, throughout uni and I am 23. I find it upsetting as when we haven't seen each other for months I miss him. I feel like I can't be comfortable in my own home as I feel awkward with him in the daytime as well. He's not even allowed upstairs, as if he is some sort of sex maniac! Ha. The result is that during the holidays I generally gf and visit him rather than him visiting me, so he barely knows my family. Also my mum then gave me 'the talk' that I'm putting all the effort into the relationship and he's putting in none because I doi all the travelling. Actually it's just because I feel as though he is unwelcome in our home.

I know my mum is living in hope that we'll break up and I'll find a nice Christian to marry. I am a Christian mself but would rather be more realistic about modern life. I have many friends who married young and are now sadly divorced.

Just because I'm not married does not mean my relationship deserves less respect. My mum lives in a dreamworld though, when I lived abroad she presumed my boyfriend stayed in a hotel on his visits!!

It seems to me to boil down to 'my child, my rules'-ignoring the fact that they are no longer children.

after while we just ended up booking hotel rather than be given seperate rooms

Totally agree with exoticfruits.