To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

[wishinonastar]

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

Yep, my boyfriend's parents are a bit conservative (unlike my mum who would have allowed me to have boys over from 16 onwards, I didn't though...I was a bit of a prude ;) ) and they let us stay in his room but get this, in two separate single beds. Haha!

I don't think they have a problem with us sharing a room. Well, they can't because we live together now and have been together for three years but I don't think they did initially either.

I don't think you should be putting him in the spare room unless you don't trust your daughter not to be sensible or you have some sort of issue with the boyfriend?

nope exotic this has already been said- it's "my HOUSE my rules" the OP wants in this scenario. she is not trying to rule the whole life of her grown daughter. straw man fallacy alert.

Whilst I was in my later teens, my mum always said that when the situation arose about a bf staying the night, she would say no. It made me angry that she thought so little of me - after all, she had raised me to be sensible and I respected her and my dad (who didn't have an opinion at all) and she seemed to be projecting with that sentiment that I would not be mature or sensible enough to deal with having a bf stay, even though I may be in a relationship and having sex. She didn't want me having sex under her roof - quite apart from the fact that it was my home too and her and my dad were having sex.

When I turned 20 I met my now DH (I hadn't had a relationship before him) and I got engaged after 8 months and he moved in to my mum and dad's, but started staying over about three months into our relationship and there were no issues at all. For my mum, she finally came to terms with the fact that I wasn't a child, but an adult, and as it was my home too I should and could be trusted to respect the other people in the house, even if my bf was staying. I think if my mum had really stuck with that rule, we wouldn't have the close relationship we have now as two adults, not just mother and daughter.

If your DD considers your house to be her home too OP, and she is discreet about anything that may or may not be happening, I don't see the harm, but I know that if my mother had treated me like a child, I wouldn't be spending half as much time with her as I do now as it would have shown how little she thought of me as another adult, let alone her daughter.

would you answer the question 47 about what type of marriage is ok, i am assuming civil ceremonies are not ok with you, what if its not in a church and not a religious ceremony at all, does that count or are you of the marriage must be 'in the eyes of god' and therefore a non religious marriage like easily had (it was a lovely wedding btw!) would not count?

47 can we please address your casual homophobia? Also this makes a good point anyway. How to people feel about gay children having their gf/bf's stay over? They can't get married but can still be in adult relationships ak where do you stand on that?

Same boat here TheWalkingDead. (love that name btw, if it's any reference to the programme I can't wait for season 3)

I love that me and my boyfriend can go round mums, all have a couple of glasses of wine, good chat and food, then when we're tired we go to the spare room AND SLEEP IN THE SAME BED. We don't even end up having sex, we can hold off for one night! She leaves us to it, but sometimes might text me asking do I want a brew or a breakfast.

This allows us to have a brilliant relationship, me my mum and my DP. There's no awkwardness, just happiness. We all have respect for each other.

Krumbum I'd like to see that addressed also. One of my friends (I'm always talking about my friends on here it's like I've got one in every situation that arises) got married to her girlfriend last year, I'm so happy that they could do that. Never seen a couple so much in love.

Whilst at uni and after graduating, my long term partner and i had to have separate rooms when we stayed with each others parents. We spent a lot of time sneaking around, fitting in quickies, waiting til parents had gone out etc.
After graduating and having each gone home to our respective parents, we wanted to be treated like adults but we werent, so we spent a lot of money on hotels and weekends away.
We did split up but we were together 5 years. I think if my parents had acknowledged i was an adult and no longer a child it would have helped establish our adult relationship.
I wish my parents would have at least talked to me about it. I think it was embarrassment as they were not married themselves but obviously shared a bed.
I would hope that by the time my children were in this scenario that it wouldnt be an issue as we could have talked about it.

I think that it depends on whether you want an adult relationship with your DCs or whether you want to stay in parent/DC mode.
A 20 yr old is very different to a 16/17yr old.

I still really don't see how parents think this will help their relationships with their children.

My mum is very sensible: she allowed us to date whilst we were at school, accepted the idea that we were in sexual relationships throughout uni, and then when a more serious relationship came along had no problem with our partners staying over (we are 4 sisters).

My dad, less so - he once seriously told me that he didn't think I should have a sexual relationship until I was in my late 20s or about 30. I am nearly 33 and he barely acknowledges my partner. He is obviously deeply uncomfortable with the idea that I am in a LTR.

I live about 350 miles away from my parents. I see my mum every Christmas, Easter, and 1-2 other times in the year. I actually cannot remember the last time I saw my dad - I think it was about 1.5 or two years ago? Not sure.

Anyhow this is largely because of his attitude to DP. DP and I could never stay over at his house; I can't really talk about my day to day life with DP. The result is that my father scarcely sees his eldest child and will likely have no relationship with his own grandchildren.

That is the reality of making your children's partners unwelcome in your home. Yep, they will respect your rules - by staying away. I find it so sad that parents of adults find their 'rules' more important than their children - talk about a lack of respect.....

She is a grown up. Would you expect any other adult couple to have separate rooms? Don't be surprised when they stop visting you during holidays as you are ruining their time off together,

Was like that for me and DH when we were growing up - in both my house and DH's house. We met at 16y at school and until the day we actually moved in together (at 22/23y) we slept separately. It was fine. We respected their rules - while they were still in the actual house :D - and never had any issues with either parents - then or now.

I don't think it is an unreasonable request tbh. You do what YOU are comfortable with.

my parents weren't comfortable with the idea of me and Dh sleeping together in their home (when they were in) whilst at school/university especially as my little sister was some 10 years younger than me.

Dh's parents just weren't comfortable with it.

So as we were sensible and pretty responsible kids - we respected our parent's right to make that choice in their own home.

Oh 0 and it DEFINITELY didn't affect our relationshops with our parents. Other than the sleeping together in their house when still at univsitry, everything else was inclusive. I was treated as part of DH's family, and Dh was treated as part of my family. That was the case then and it is still the case now.

It seems that exotic doesn't understand that courtesy and respect in another person's home [in this case one's parents] do not stop at 18.

As for what marriage is acceptable? Well any civil ceremony between a man and woman, in fact pretty much anything whether religious or legal or both that was the couple showing that they intended to be together for the rest of their lives and making vows to that end. A couple who are totally against any recognition of their relationship (eg as they think it's no-one else's business either in the State or a religion and have made arrangements other ways for finances etc.) but who I considered to intend the same through their long-term faithfulness to the best of my knowledge, I may consider as well.

And krumbum I am NOT homophobic. I have said that to enough people IRL who use that as a casual attack-word, it does not apply to me. In response though I would not allow a gay child of mine to have a partner with them of the same sex ever: I would expect celibacy. It's unfortunate some people have homosexual tendencies but that's imperfect man for you :(

Fucking hell 47. You do know what homophobic means, don't you? Because, by my definition, you most definitely are.

Think about this - if your child does turn out to be gay, then by rejecting who they are, you will eventually alienate yourself from them and lose the close and loving relationship that parents should have with their dc and any potential grandchildren. That's a lot to give up.

I am so glad that my lovely sister doesn't have to put up with parents like you!

I actually feel sick, reading your post.

Oh and you can 'expect celibacy' all you like, but you won't get it. you are delusional if you think otherwise.

All you'll get is kids who feel sad and disappointed and rejected and who will not want to come and stay with you.

You sound horrible 47.
And you are definitely homomophobic.

*Homophobic

You are homophobic. Not entirely surprising that it's been pointed out to you in RL.

'I would not allow a gay child of mine to have a partner with them of the same sex ever'

You don't get to allow your grown up children's partners. If you mean you wouldn't 'allow' them to invite their partner to their family home, then I think that's quite appalling.

Also very shortsighted. I love my parents. But dh is rather more important to me - if my parents had ever decided it was their business not to 'allow' him, then I'd've had to let them know that that was their choice, & to contact me if & when they were ready to be sensible.

If your child does turn out to be gay, they will just end up having nothing to do with you. Who would stay in contact with a mum who insisted their child had to be celibate for the rest of their life because their mum did not approve of their partner?

You can expect it 47, but I would be VERY shocked if your DC honoured that and didn't bat an eyelid. Just don't be surprised if they do turn out to be gay and run away from your ridiculous views and stay away.

Not homophobic? my arse

OP, given the fact that it is purely down to you feeling uncomfortable, then I am afraid that does make you even more so unreasonable. What about a sister/brother, cousins, friends, or even your parents came to stay, do you insist they stay in separate rooms? If not, why is it so different for your ADULT (and in a long term serious relationship) child?

In what way is that not homophobic?
Why is being homosexual being imperfect? Why do you see it as a bad thing? And if your child were gay then why would them being in a civil partnership not be ok? It's pretty much the same as married.
Maybe you need to question why so many people in rl call you homophobic.

I am very glad that I am not your DC, 47, because you seem to have no respect for the individual at all. The situation wouldn't crop up because I would be away as soon as I was able and wouldn't bother going back to stay a night!
I don't want my DCs getting married until they are late 20s at least. I would be very hypocritical to not let them shared a room because there is no way that I would have married anyone without knowing them very well beforehand. - which includes sex. I was 28 the first time, after a 7 year relationship, and
37yrs the second time.

You're a prize fool as well as a homophobe, 47. You remind me of my elderly South African and Rhodesian relatives who think sex and marriage between black and whites is despicable and a "moral failing". My father leans towards those views too, and do you know what happened? I haven't seen him in five years! Word of warning love and pointing out the obvious, you can't control your children once their are adults.

I feel sorry for your kids as they could either feel alienated or rejected by you (esp if they are gay or uncertain about their sexuality), or you're raising them to be bigots like yourself.

And with that, I reckon you and your hateful views should just be ignored by posters.

Why is everyone assuming they will be "at it" all the time? From the dim and distant past I seem to recall nothing puts you off sex as much as being at your boyfriend's parents house, even if you are sharing a bed.