To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

It depends on what choice you have though doesn't it?

Yes, the OP has an alternative to the DC being at home on their own, she has her mother nearby. But what if her mum also worked? Or was too old/unwell to have the DC? Or just didn't want to? Then what should she do?

Likewise those of us who have posted who are in a similar position to the OP but with no family support. What should we do if we have to work, our work takes us out of the house for 10 or more hours per day and we have no family to assist?

Handwringing is all very well, but it doesn't solve anything. I have not seen one poster who has condemned the idea of children being at home for hours at a time offer up any realistic alternative.

Well the realistic solution is to arrange childcare, not have accepted the job, or negotiate terms with the employer.

In what possible way is that realistic?

Childcare beyond yr 6 is virtually non-existent, almost everything stops at age 11. So not that easy to arrange.

I don't know anyone who would turn down a job in this economic climate, or take the risk of antagonising a prospective employer by asking for different hours. If you have a mortgage/bills to pay you have no choice but to take the jobs you can find which will cover those costs. I'd love to work school hours only for the same money as I earn now, but it's never going to happen!

I am not suggesting only school hours at all but child care can be an option if you seek it. After all she does have a Mother who is available.

What the OP should do hatesponge, is put her foot down with her children and tell them that they will be going to their grandmother.

I think the fact that she didn't in the first place probably gives a giant clue as to why they then bunked off school and made a huge mess.

Yanbu- my teenagers would be fine to do this, my only worry would be that they fell asleep again after waking them and they were late for school.

Could they have a cooked dinner at school at lunchtime so then perhaps they could have a salad or something at home for tea? I would worry about any cooking.....in fact I wouldn't let them use the cooker at all.

the childcare options here stop at age 12. I am sure if there were after schl/holiday clubs for teens there would be interest as long as it involved football/other sports, games consoles etc (teenage type stuff).

I recently went from working part time to being a sahm again for this very reason, (that and having a 6 month old).
It is harder to find suitable care for older children and I realized that I was trying to feel happy with a situation which made me feel instinctively uncomfortable, especially in the school holidays. I wanted it to work for my sake, but it just seemed wrong. Gut feeling. I appreciate it's different for me because we could afford for me to be a sahm. I know it must be a very bloody tough call in the OP's case.
Leaving my 12 year old home alone all day in the school hols? Nope. Not going to happen. I was left home alone at that age and got up too all kinds of freaky shit so this might have coloured my views. I don't think kids get to the age of 11/12/13 and suddently need no parenting and become adults overnight. They still need supervision. Nothinbg wrong with leaving them alone for an hour or two, and more time as they get older. But that length of time on school days would bother me. I'd love to have grandparents nearby, but we have no family near. I'd be using the help from grandparents.

Alibabaandthe40nappies

can you tell me how putting your foot down works? Teen and you tell them to do something and by putting your foot down they do it? i am all ears

Am guessing the op is on another 14 hour shift...........

ivykaty maybe that's what it comes down to- if I told DS that is what will be happening then he knows that is what will be happening. He might complain that he would be fine on his own, or would rather go home, but he would still go to his Nan's.

ivy - this is a 12 and 13 year old, not 15/16 year olds.

Kids that age should be in the habit of doing as their parents tell them. It would not have crossed my mind at that age to do anything other than as I was told.

Alibabaandthe40nappies I can read that this is a 12 and 13 year old in the OP and if they were 15/16 then the whole bleeding thread would surely be quite different - I asked a question, do let me into your secret of how you put your foot down with this age group?

Ivykaty, she did, no need for the sarcasm

sarcasm ??? IME as having a 12 year old ...

YANBU

I would be furious as well. MY brother and I would have done that, no problem. We wouldnt have needed to be told to tidy etc, we knew that before my Mum came home, we'd have to make sure that the dishes were done, place tidy etc. We were also close in age.

When I started high school, I wasn't 12 till that November, but I distinctly remember ironing my uniform, and from then, I took responsiblity for my own washing/ironing/uniform.

I remember asking my Mum to show me how to work the washing machine, and I regularly did all the washing if I was at home, I didn't just do my own things. I also ironed whatever needed doing, although sometimes I was just ironing a shirt for myself for school the next day.

My brother and I were proud to be independent. We weren't perfect or goody goody, by any means. And my Mum was a headteacher, not an irresponsible parent who would leave her children in the house themselves.

I'd expect children of that age to do that without any bother, YANBU. I'd be fuming as well.

patronise someone and you will find sarcasm is gifted in return

No patronization just a Mum of a 12 year old ...

imnotmy the sarcasm comment was directed at Ivykaty, not you

I agree with you (as mum of a 13yo who also does as he is expected to)

Woah - wasn't expecting this to blow up over 17 pages!

Thanks for everyone's opinions. I just want to clear a few things up that was not clear in my rather furious and ranting OP.

This is not a permanent thing. I'm only working these hours for 6 weeks (4 to go) and then I go down to 18 hours a week. Secondly, I don't work the same 3 days every week so I do try to get at least one of my shifts either on a Saturday night when the kids are sleeping at their dad's house or the Sunday day time whilst they're still with their dad. I do try to make it affect them as little as possible.

Thirdly, I am a single parent and granny isn't well so I can't use her as a solid childcare option - however she is welcoming if they want to pop there after school. I can't afford an au pair - I live in the real world I'm also a nurse so I can't simply "change jobs" - if only life was that easy, eh?

Finally, going to the takeaway for tea was a rare treat. And I say treat because they have been begging me to let them go to takeaway for weeks as it's not something we tend to do. I'm not a lazy parent - I don't work 13 hour shifts for fun and I do make home-cooked meals that they can microwave the next day for their dinner whilst I'm at work (pasta bakes, casseroles, curries etc).

Anyway, the kids knew I was livid and have apologised. We have a new set of rules now, for example if either child decides they are too poorly for school - they go anyway and get the school to call me at work so I can leave. I don't expect the house to be immaculate but mucky pots and sweet wrappers don't live on the living room floor.

Takeaways are banned for the foreseeable future

Thanks again everyone, you have given me food for thought.

Oh Fragmin, I remove my judgy (judgey?) pants and apologise. I did wonder if being cross had made your OP sound worse.

I think that's why posts on forums because I refuse to type fora are so hard to read. Posters type a few paragraphs, but we never know the full picture. And you can't read between the lines if you don't know the OP and haven't met her! If you'd posted the full story, it would've been much easier to understand and respond to your dilemma. But if your life is anything like mine hard to explain all the finer details then I don't blame you for typing out half a story.

OP thanks for coming back and much respect to you, as I couldn't live your life!

Just wanted to say good luck to you OP, and four more weeks will pass quickly!

A temporary arrangement is a whole different ball game from a permanent problem and your kids should be helping you to find a way to muddle thru. From now I'd be expecting them to do a fair bit of sucking up for letting you down so badly.

No matter what age or how long they're on their own, there's no excuse for not going to school and no excuse for not getting you tea. The messy house, they probably didn't notice....