To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

Well if the op is like most responsible parents, she checks the homework has been done when she gets home??

It's not rocket science is it?

I would be really interested to hear if any of the people stating they would never leave their 13 yo at home for a couple of hours are actually working outside the home?

Because in my experience it is very easy to judge if you are not in that situation yourself.
And for the very helpful poster who suggested the op changes her shift or gets another job do you think it's that easy?

Do you not realise people who have to work simply have to do what job is available at the time.

I'f it was a choice between doing this job to pay bills, mortgage, buy food, or not being able to afford to live, or living on benefits, what do you suggest we all do?

It is not a couple of hours though is it ? Maybe I just moddlycoddle my kids but but I like to make sure they have breakfast, dinner money and all the associated things for school and like to be there for snacks at hometime, chit-chat, help with problems with homework, take them to their variuos hobbies etc and cook them tea. I understand people work as I and my DH does, however when choosing a job the whole effect on the family surely should need to be considered. I could not imagine my 12 year old popping into the chinky for tea.

I can't imagine my DCs using a word like chinky

imnot, I think you may have invalidated your whole argument by using the word 'chinky'.

Life is becoming harder and harder financially. The OP presumably HAS to work. She doesn't want I imagine to leave her children for this long. She wasn't asking whether she was unreasonable to go out and earn her living FFS! She was asking whether it was unreasonable to expect children of that age to be capable of not trashing the house, putting a bit of food into themselves and getting themselves to school. And at 12 and 13, they should be, and if they can't then they need to learn quickly if that's what it takes to keeo the household going. Plenty of posters here - me included - are testimony to the fact that children can cope with doing that and it won't damage them in any way. Children in Kenya are looking after entire families of younger siblings because they are AIDS orphans - no obviously this isn't right or good, but it's proof that it can be done. Stupid comparison in that culturally we are very different, but we certainly need to stop mollycoddling our kids so much or they will grow up to be hopeless, irresponsible and incapable adults.

PS don't use the word chinky. Yuck.

tantrum of course I have left my 12 year olds on their own for a couple of hours. And I wouldn't hesitate to do what the OP suggests, occassionaly, either for work, or indeed if I were going out with friends.

But the OP doesn't leave her DC for a couple of hours does she? If they came home from school and Mum came in around 6.30-7pm, I'd say less of a problem.

But she doesn't get back until 8.30pm. That is a long time.

I would suggest the DC go to their Nan's where they will be fed properly and she can ensure they're okay.

Again, what happens during the holidays? Do these DC have no adult supervision three times a week?

Ariel lots of us had Mums who were home when we got in from school and made our tea. We have not all turned into hopeless adults.

My friend who is Chinese uses chinky ?? And I say chippy?? I am certain that my children (better not put kids??) will not grow up to be hopeless, irresponsible adults just because they do not have to fend for themselves at 12.

doing that and a bit more at a younger age,tell them they HAVE to go to Grandma's as they have showed they cannot do the tasks set. Also you are sill as you should check they are in school, also inform school if they do not register they should call you

I don't think my parents have ever checked my homework, bar a few short phases following a strongly worded phone call home from school which petered out soon enough because it was so bothersome to do. It was just assumed that I'd do it. I can't imagine them being on my back like that and in other ways they were always v. overprotective.

Isn't that a bit like black people using the 'n' word, though ? it's only OK if you're black/Chinese/etc.

The word 'chinky' also has a history of being used in a racist way, unlike 'chippy' which is just a shortening of the word.

I was walking to primary school with my younger siblings at ten and coming back and doing chores, how could what OP is asking be too much? Them being boys have nothing to do with this. When i left home my brothers, cooked cleaned and did their own laundry same as i did, they are now responsible young men. We need to stop molly coddling our kids.

wordfactory, don't take willful offence at something that clearly wasn't meant to be offensive. Of course I didn't mean people who had mums at home are all hopeless adults. Obviously I meant that over-mollycoddling children does them no favours, and that by 12 and 13 a child ought to be able to cope with a few things rather than being thought of as a baby who will get into trouble unless s/he has constand adult supervision.

From gov website.

How mature is the child?

The most important factor to consider is how mature the child is. For example, it may be okay to leave a mature 12 year old alone, but not a 13 year old who is not mature.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) advises that:
?children under the age of about 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
?children under the age of 16 should not be left alone overnight
?babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone

Things to remember

If you do leave your child home alone, remember to do the following:
?leave a contact phone number and make sure you can answer it right away
?leave a separate contact list of people you trust, in case they can?t get hold of you
?talk to your child before you leave about how to stay safe, and tell them not to answer the door to strangers
?make sure dangerous objects like matches and knives are out of reach, as well as medicines and dangerous chemicals
?leave clear instructions on what to do in case of an emergency (like a fire)
?tell them what time you will be back, and don?t be late
?set some basic rules about what they can and can?t do while you are out
?teach them basic first aid

Finally, it is important to make sure that your child is happy to be left alone. If they aren?t confident about being left alone then find someone to look after them

imnotmymum My friend who is Chinese uses chinky ?? And I say chippy?? This is like when people say i cant possibly be prejudiced because i have (imput race) friends

I apologize if I caused offense. But really take it in context I was referring to the Chinese takeaway building which is inanimate. I was not referring to the people who run it.
I cannot believe that it is seen as molly coddling our kids to have to organize themselves so young. And why should we stop anyway... If they are bought up properly then they will understand that molly coddling = love not an invitiation to laziness.

I leave the house at 0715 each morning and DD leaves the house at 0800, she gets home at 1630-1700 and I don't get home until 1715. I would love to be there to make sure she has breakfast, takes everything she should do for school, be there when she gets in, etc but last September when she started secondary school my office relocated to a town 11 miles away and I don't drive. I am also a lone parent.
We cannot always choose where we work and there are definitely no other jobs doing what I do in the town where I live. Other than the job I have at present it would mean either commuting to Birmingham, Bristol or London which would mean even more time out of the house.
Luckily in the holidays she still wants to go to the local holiday club otherwise it would mean her being left on her own for 10 hours as my holidays do not cover the 13 weeks of school holidays

YANBU exactly but you are being incredibly optimistic to expect a tidy house! That's in a completely different category to the going to school bit. My boys are 10 and 13. I'd expect my 13yo to get himself up and go to school on time (or at least be incredibly scared if he found he'd somehow slept through his alarm and call me or something) but I really wouldn't be surprised if the house was a complete tip and they'd forgotten to get my supper. They don't remember things for 2 minutes let alone 12 hours! Personally I'd get granny in (if she's willing) at least until they're used to the routine and have proved they can do it.

But mollycoddling isn't the same as loving and looking after! Moddlycoddling to me means giving them no credit at all - deeming them incapable of doing anything without you, the parent! E.g. not letting a 10 year old make a cup of tea or use a knife, not letting them call for friends and stay out without your direct supervision. How will they learn responsibility?

Well, haven't read whole thread, just wanted to offer a bit of sympathy for a bad day. I'm sure you don't want to be doing these shifts but it does mean you're around two days a week, so maybe not a bad compromise, especially if the children could enjoy spending some time with their grandma.

I got a door key and started coming home from school, rather than going to a childminder, at 11, though mum was always home by half five. During my second year at secondary school, so same age as your children, there were lots of teachers' strikes, so we'd often get a morning off and have to get ourselves in for the afternoon. I was trusted and able to do this and to have friends round / go to their houses, without creating a mess or problem (though may not have been great at washing up). I was entirely responsible for doing my own homework from age 11.

I do think I had an attitude of necessary helpfulness though and was fairly naturally responsible. I might have found having to sort out my own dinner some nights a bit lonely but could do basic cooking and wouldn't have left my mother unfed. So I suppose I think children adapt to circumstances even if those are not ideal and maybe yours are rebelling a bit but and need to be brought on side sympathetically but were being a bit thoughtless.

Moddlycoddling obviously has different meanings to us!

Ok :).

Obviously one of "those" words.

moomoo I think your set up sounds just fine. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

mol·ly·cod·dle
To be overprotective and indulgent toward. See Synonyms at pamper.
n.
A person, especially a man or a boy, who is pampered and overprotected