I think I have just caught my dh lying to me...

[Corrie4Ever]

I've changed my bname for this one, it seems pretty serious
DH went to London today for a work meeting. Said in the morning he "wouldn't be home till late, 9 or 10 pm".
"Why?" I said. "Those meetings never go on much past 5pm do they?" (is a 3 hour journey back to us, max)
"Oh, uh, no," says he, a bit flummoxed. "I suppose I'll be back more like 8ish then."
Thought no more of it. then got text at 7.50pm saying "some poor soul has jumped in front of the train, gonna be late"
Followed by "god I hate London!"
Then I rang him at 9pm and he said he was back out of London and had picked his car up at Basingstoke, and was driving home. I asked about the suicide, he said the train was sat on the rails for AGES while police investigated someone jumping under the train in front of him all this on the railway just between Waterloo and Clapham.
I begin to remember that earlier conversation this morning.
Look on the internet. No record of any such incident, delays, nothing.
Ring South West TRains, nothing happend at all...
He is still not back- what do you guys reckon??
WE have been together 8 years, 2dcs, never ever had any cause to suspect anything before...happily married...I think...

Thank you Vicar, I hope so too. I think it will...

Corrie, all I will add to the excellent advice you've been given by some is to trust your instincts. It's easier not acting sometimes or believing everything they say, but if something niggles away at you, that feeling will never truly leave unless you deal with it.

You sound like you have a happy and healthy attitude and I just hope that things work out for you and your dh.

And btw, no-one - not one person - has a perfect marriage. For every boast, there is something they aren't so keen to share. So be kind to yourself

What a fantastic reply, Corrie. You sound great, really!
Hope things work out to your satisfaction :)

Yes corrie you do sound great Good luck!

Good on you, OP. Sorry this thread turned into madness but I hope you manage to sort things out with your husband.

Hats off to you for coming back and updating OP.

FWIW, I think this sort of shit is an AIBU problem, other sections of the site (Relationships) tend to be more supportive.

Actually, IMO AIBU is far more likely to give you a more rounded and accurate view, as there is a wider range of more realstic opinions.

MN Relationships has a default "all men are bastards guilty, even if innocent" mode, and the best advice and support one needs to get is often uncomfortable, not sycophantic.

Ah yes, rounded, accurate views such as the realism we saw on this topic. It was fantasy and inaccurate conjecture, and you don't even have grace to admit it.

Also, I'm sick and tired of all this "the relationships board is a bunch of man-hating harpies" bullshit. A fair majority of the threads are written by women badly troubled by issues like spousal cheating and abuse - of course the men in these scenarios don't come off lightly. Neither, it must be said, do women who are considering cheating (or have done).

Let's take, for example, a current thread (that I haven't posted on, FYI) where some unhappy woman has posted about an unhappy relationship where he has cheated on her many times, and she thought it was emotional abuse, and how could she get revenge upon him.

If the board was truly synchophantic they'd have been advising her to burn his belongings or some such and oh yes it was EA. And yes, the board is sympathetic. But do you know what they've been suggesting, those man haters? That she disengages, refrains from keying his car, and yes he's a twat but that's not to say he's abusive. I can tell you how the same thread on AIBU would have gone: 50% - OMG you are a bunny boiling weirdo; 50% suggesting she boil his bunny for vengence and other assorted witty retributions. Amusing for the posters? Presumably. Balanced? Only in a fucked-up sort of way. Helpful? No.

At the end of the day the two boards have different modus operandi, predicated by the nature of the question asked. AIBU asks - "am I being unreasonable?" and so people judge the OP; Relationships asks "I'm in trouble - help" and so people try to help. Is trying to help in a complex emotional situation more, well, helpful than trying to judge the character of the OP? Astoundingly, it usually is.

nutella I'm so glad you posted that. The Relationships board does get a bad rap. Without it, I'd still be under the impression that my relationship is 'tempestuous' at best and that he was jealous because he cared. Instead, I've learned that a man who forbids you from coffee with your friends, who insults your appearance (but it's only a JOKE, of course, and you're being overly sensitive), who is a cocklodger, who has you walking on eggshells is an emotional abuser and you need to get the hell out. And my heart always breaks when a poster starts a thread thinking an 'incident' is not a big deal, but it turns out they are being emotionally abusesd and they are about to realise this.

Another vote for the Relationships board here - there's a lot of ace ladies on there with fantastic advice as most of them have been through similar problems.

In comparison, AIBU is often populated by hysterics, as well as those looking for a good Eastenders-type story to comment on. Not that I don't enjoy a bit of that myself of course

absolutely spot on nutella. AIBU is like the mumsnet equivalent of eastenders.

the relationship board isnt.

brilliant post, nutella.

Well, I can honestly not comment on relationships, or any previous threads. My "it appears a lot of women hate men and can't seem to accept that some can be innocent" comment was based on this thread, and this thread alone. I could be well off, not saying it's fact. Just my hunch from what I have read.

The Relationships board is fantastic - wish I'd known about it years ago.

I do think that posters on AIBU should remember that they are talking to real people, who are often distressed - they shouldn't get a kicking or be on the receiving end of rampant smuggery (and I mean all of you who used this thread to illustrate how wonderful your lives are, by comparison), just because they posted here instead of there!

The Relationships board is fantastic - wish I'd known about it years ago.
God, yes. Things would have turned out very differently.

I replied to this post early on. And it does say in the first line 'serious' so obviously the OP didn't think at the time it was something and nothing.

My "it appears a lot of women hate men and can't seem to accept that some can be innocent" comment was based on this thread, and this thread alone

I would say thats a fairly accurate summary of a lot of the posters on the MN Relationships board.

Also, I'm sick and tired of all this "the relationships board is a bunch of man-hating harpies" bullshit

and

nutella I'm so glad you posted that. The Relationships board does get a bad rap

Do you think that it gets all this "bad rap bullshit" because:

(i) The people who think that it si full of man-hating harpies are largely delusional and its very far from the truth, or...

(ii) There is quite a strong element of truth in it.

(Hint: "Leave the Bastard" is now a joke term far and wide, wider even than MN)

With regrets for disillusioning you, WhatMe, "Leave the bastard" was a popular saying long before Mumsnet graced the interweb. Before there was an interweb, even.

I so want to take issue with your energetic criticisms of practically everything on these boards - but I can't. It's endearing :)

Well, Whatmeworry, I can't even honestly say I have even glimpsed at the Relationships board, or seen any threads like this one posted before I commented on here, as I am literally new. Less than a week old, and only really been on here for 2 days properly, so as I said, my judgement just came from this thread.

Not by all though. Just quite a few really do appear to have huge issues with men.

Welllll.... personally, I post quite a lot in relationships. Occasionally I'll read a post out to my very lovely DH, who will raise an eyebrow and suggest she leaves the bastard . In fact, some of my best friends are men . (why is there not a tongue-in-cheek emoticon?). Mind you, I must admit to being of the view that women shouldn't remain in abusive relationships, for the kids or any other reason. Must make me a man-hater.

As the general mood of the board I don't see the generalised hatred of men of which you speak, no. If you do see it I'd suggest the reason is as I posted above. "Some other people think so therefore it's true" is a non-sequitur.

Tell you what, why don't you link me up to the relationships thread where the bloke hasn't actually done anything wrong, or at least not enough to warrant leaving, and the board consensus is pushing her out the door. Or the one where the OP had a bad feeling like he was hiding something and the advice and support given was incorrect. If what you are saying is true, it should be very easy, no?

I think the relationships board scares people. Because sometimes people read things that resonate with them about their own relationships and they're not able or ready to face up to what that means.

When I was in my own EA relationship and I first stumbled across the relationships board, I read a lot of threads on there and in my head I would twist the words and the viewpoints so that I could dismiss what was being said as 'just a bunch of harpies', etc.

Because what I was actually discovering was that I was in an EA relationship and doing something about it was such a scary idea, I needed to reinforce my denial by disagreeing with the relationships board.

It took about 6 months of lurking before I could post my own thread.

I left him about a month later.

Oh and I've been lurking on this thread too and I think OP is justified in being suspicious.

That's not to say her DH is having an affair. But he was angling to be back late before he even went, and he did it in a really clumsy way too. By fudging how long the meeting would be and getting the time he'd be back wrong by a good few hours.

So already, I'd be thinking .

Then, his train oh so conveniently gets delayed by almost the exact amount of time he said he'd be late by.

It's not unreasonable to think something's going on. Whether that's hopeless lying so he can watch the footie, or buying time to go get a 'massage'.

OP was there, she could see his body language when he was telling her what time he'd be back. We all know when what someone's telling us isn't ringing true. I don't know why so many on this thread couldn't take that at face value instead of screeching, "You're a controlling harpie, no wonder he has to lie to you, if your marriage was as perfect as mine you wouldn't be acting like such a crazy bunny boiler!"

OP, I hope you get it sorted. And if you need any more support, start a thread on the relationships board. It's much more understanding there.

I don't know about the relationships board... It always seems very 'worst case scenario' or something. Someone posts a minor snippet of their life and people judge their entire relationship on it.

I posted once about DH and I having an argument. He stormed out of the house and I was worried that he hadn't come back yet. I think it took 2 or 3 posts before someone suggested that he may have engineered the argument and could be having an affair. I was also given advice that could have actually escalated the situation and made it much worse than it was. He came home, apologised, we talked and made up and our relationship is fine. I think every couple has their ups and downs and most people do argue. I think some posters in the relationships section do make mountains out of molehills and I'm really not sure I would post there again unless I actually wanted to hear 'leave the bastard' or something to that effect!