I think I have just caught my dh lying to me...

[Corrie4Ever]

I've changed my bname for this one, it seems pretty serious
DH went to London today for a work meeting. Said in the morning he "wouldn't be home till late, 9 or 10 pm".
"Why?" I said. "Those meetings never go on much past 5pm do they?" (is a 3 hour journey back to us, max)
"Oh, uh, no," says he, a bit flummoxed. "I suppose I'll be back more like 8ish then."
Thought no more of it. then got text at 7.50pm saying "some poor soul has jumped in front of the train, gonna be late"
Followed by "god I hate London!"
Then I rang him at 9pm and he said he was back out of London and had picked his car up at Basingstoke, and was driving home. I asked about the suicide, he said the train was sat on the rails for AGES while police investigated someone jumping under the train in front of him all this on the railway just between Waterloo and Clapham.
I begin to remember that earlier conversation this morning.
Look on the internet. No record of any such incident, delays, nothing.
Ring South West TRains, nothing happend at all...
He is still not back- what do you guys reckon??
WE have been together 8 years, 2dcs, never ever had any cause to suspect anything before...happily married...I think...

Hi Ice and Vicar. I agree with both of you (but perhaps vipers may be a little too far).

I'm afraid some of the initial 'hysteria' surrounding this thread was caused by things occuring in real time at the beginning. So the posts came quick fire after each other, adding to the feeling that something wrong was afoot.

I do agree that judgements either way (freedom vs hen pecking fool) have been based on too little. And I feel bad that I even suggested questioning the OPs DH in an oblique manner. In fairness, it's what I would have done, especially with regard to having seen the masseuse card, but it doesn't mean it was good advice to give someone who was overwrought on so little info.

I hope, OP, that you haven't been fretting too much (if you haven't run screaming in fright from this thread, which I would have done!) and that you work out the source of your disquiet that wouldn't have bothered you, I'm sure, at any other time.

im sorry that happened to you rowood. i think AIBU is not a very nice place and if you want support then its best to post in the gentler parts of the board. i agree that people spout all sorts of crap without a heed to the state of mind of the poster, and often without a clue about what they are talking about,

i have posted on parts of MN and have had absolutely wonderful support and sound advice which got me through a particularly difficult time with an estranged family member - it can be a wonderful source of help, support and sound advice from some lovely people.

and sometimes its like this. no idea why but i rarely post on AIBU with anything close to my heart.

i didnt say anything about vipers.....thats sooo old hat. and generally speaking - its isnt.
ive never met a viper on here.

i think ive seen some first class bitches though....thankfully not many.

I can't remember where the vipers came from! Maybe I am transferring words onto you...

I agree that you are doomed on AIBU on more ambiguous stuff. I've seen posts on here where the poster is clearly distressed, and yet we all wade in with our big feet to give a kicking. I'm sure I've done it without realising how unhelpful and sanctamonious my advice is sounding. So...with that in mind, my enormous apologies for doing that in the past. This thread has made me really seen the difference between giving advice and blapping on about your own life to try and fit the circumstances. And I've been guilty of the latter. Won't do it again because it's ugly.

It was ice who mentioned vipers.

Sorry Rowood that you had a tough time. I am relatively new, so don't know anyone or how threads really can go. But just on this thread alone, I have had comments aimed at me, and insinuations, all because I dare to defend a bloke who hasn't actually been proved guilty of anything. Yet.

You just need to ignore the ugly comments, as (hopefully) a huge chunk of MN members aren't like that.

I totally understand, I agree, if it were down to some of these guys he would be hung drawn and quartered by now. Regardless of whether he is or isn't guilty, it is the way things are said as well as what is said. I have leaner my lesson now and whilst I could still do with some advice and support I wouldn't dare ask. Shame really.

This whole "nest of vipers" stuff is PA bunkum, just because the AIBU crowd didn't go in for crucifying the man regardless of the evidence. The only vipers here were those jumping into lurid hooker shagging and VD dripping scenarios

IMO some of the best advice the OP got was to look at if she was being controlling, and others saying that it seems liek that might be teh case is hardly rubbing her nose in it.

"Advice and Support" sometimes means highlighting inconvenient truths, not just mindless sycophancy.

Whatmeworry good post

Corrie4Ever if i were you I'd have to front him up on it, I'd have to know there can be all sorts of reasons why a man would lie.

I sense from your post that deep down you know something it isn't right but it maybe worse if you brood on it rather then talking to him, try and keep calm don't cry but try to explain to that him after the card incident and now this alarm bells are ringing.

Good Luck its never easy this sort of thing and personally I believe that the only people who knows what goes on in a marriage are the two people in it.

Youvebeentangoed, I'm going to take issue with your reply. I wouldn't normally go to this much trouble but, as you say you're a fairly new mumsnetter, perhaps it's worth the effort.

You posted that you haven't been unkind to the OP, only gave a balanced view and were supportive. Yet very early on, you called OP controlling:

If it was a bloke posting this, he would be told to stop being a controlling bastard.

You pursued that by saying she keeps excessive tabs on him:

Personally, if I said I would be home for 9/10pm, then questioned why as I should be home by 8, it would make me feel awkward and like I am not allowed to go out
I would hate to have to "check in"

Then held your own relationship up as superior - based on your assumption that OP behaves in a controlling fashion:

I encourage DP to have a break every now and then ... Vice versa.
me and DP send the occasional text throughout the day. Never to do with what we are up to and checking up

You made a whole flurry of posts about the 'masseuse' card, apparently assuming OP can't tell the difference between a 'masseuse and a massage therapist:

What is the obsession with it being a "Hookers" card? It was a Masseuse card. Not all of them are hookers. It could very well be that he fancied a massage.

And pulled off a neat trick where you managed to insult women "moaning" while getting in a bit of "what about the menz" as well as persisting with your fantasy that OP's too thick to know one kind of massage from another:

women moaning that they would love a weekend at a spa, getting a massage and relaxing. Aren't men allowed to fancy a massage too?

Following that up with yet another dig at her supposed controlling paranoia:

maybe the OP don't feel comfortable thinking of another women with her hands on him?

And then rounded it all with your summary that OP is paranoid, which gives H carte blanche to go missing and lie to his wife:

considering the OP appears to not trust her DH, that maybe this is why he may feel the need to lie to get a break.

Now, you and I clearly have different opinions about what constitutes respect in a relationship. Fair enough. But, if you want to say you supported a fellow poster during a time of great anxiety in her life, please don't say it after badmouthing her and doubting every word she's said.

I always thought the whole point of asking for advice on a forum was to get a range of opinions from a broad spectrum of people who don't know you and will therefore look at your situation completely objectively and give advice accordingly, with no punches pulled. Granted, some people could give that opinion in a nicer way but I think you lose the moral high ground when you start calling women who disagree with you bitches and cunts.

Important thing to remember is that this isn't real life kids. The fact that everyone is more or less anonymous means you should never take what is said personally. If someone in RL started ranting at you like some people do on here you'd think they had something wrong with them and would walk away so just do the same on here!

I don't think the fact that it's the internet justifies taking a worried OP, adding adding a liberal dose of fantasy and conjecture to her story, and then tearing her apart.

On this thread the OP has heard everything from "he's shagging a hooker" to "you're a controlling, hysterical wife, this is all your fault." WTAF.

Just because it's AIBU and that's what people do doesn't make it OK. This is someone's RL, have a little thought for that.

I'm not saying it's right for people to say things like that Nutella. My point was there are a whole range of people on here (most nice, some not) and they won't all view others in a RL context. It is important to remember that instead of getting upset at what someone you don't know and will probably never meet says.

I see what you mean, but imo there's an endemic problem with this forum; and it's the attitude you describe. Because it's AIBU, and the internet, and they've been asked for their perspective, people think they can say whatever they like as it's not "real", just some sort of fight club for women.

I'm not sure that the onus should be on the person being ripped to shreds on little to no pretext not to become upset; imo the onus ought to be on posters to read the posts properly, consider it fairly, and come up with something constructive.

... like that's ever going to happen

You're absolutely right but I don't think it's a particularly problem with MN - I think it's actually a good reflection of what people are like generally but in RL the people who are mean on here probably just keep their mean thoughts to themselves for fear of the reaction they would get.

Obviously, ideally, the behaviour you have said should be exhibited should be adopted by everyone but some people are just plain mean for the sake of it and I think that maybe if people remembered that they would be less likely to get so upset.

garlicbum, as in those posts, I said"appear" etc, NOT directly accusing her. I was also commenting on my relationship, yes. And if you read my latest posts, I admitted to be guilty of that and explained it wasn't my intention to rub her nose in it.

Just like others jumping in and stating that he is guilty, I was merely trying to suggest other possibilities. I held my hand up, and admit I went about it in a way which seems I was being smug etc, but I am new and not used to this.

Tbh, I let my frustration at those saying he was shagging a hooker etc, get the better of me. But what I have posted, was nothing compared to others.

And I still stand by what I said. Just because she said "Masseuse" card, doesn't mean it is a "Hooker" card. Until the OP clarifies it was, everyone, including myself, can only assume. But the problem with some, was that they took it as gospel.

Doing so, and stating he is shagging a hooker, bringing diseases into it etc with no proof, can be more damaging to the OP if she believes it, then throws her 8 year relationship away over it. Surely it is best to see what other possibilities could be?

He COULD be innocent. He COULD be guilty. But the OP needs us to point out what she can not maybe see due to being confused about it all. And there are most definitely other possibilities than him shagging a hooker.

Not saying that he is in the right if it was a cover for a quick sneaky pint. But at least it is better than her believing he is cheating. How do you think she felt reading all those comments? If it was me, I would of been sick to my stomach climbing into bed with him that night, and probably for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, and I also never claimed I gave a balanced view or was supportive. I never felt the need really to give a view on both the OP and her partner, as mostly everyone was doing it for the OP. I just felt the need to point out possibilities which doesn't mean he was cheating, so therefore helping the OP in a way so it wouldn't be eating away at her like other posts would of been.

I have stated all the way through "maybe", "appear" etc so never said anything as gospel. I never once directly accused the OP of being controlling, but I do admit I sort of went off on a bit of a tangent mid way and my posts were mainly aimed at other posters, rather than the OP. I see now though how the OP could of took offense, and for that I apologize if I am so way off the mark. But I don't apologize for anything else I said.

Hello everyone,
Wow, I left this thread when it was 30 or so messages, thought I'd take a quick look and it is 300+. Unbelievable.
I haven't been on because I've been too busy and caught up in RL. Glad I wasn't around for the mad fights but they made amazing reading today, some of it helpful, some of it just way off the mark. I have had some thinking and talking with dh to do and it's by no means sorted yet. I'm actually not going to reveal too much about all that - but can I just say:
A big thank you to Vicar and others, I really appreciate your kindness and good sense. From where I'm standing you had it and my situation spot on. Ginger and the others who held my hand in real time when I was feeling really, really bad. I thank you very, very much, it did help a lot.
LeMcQueen you are lucky your marriage is so fab. Maybe luck didn't come in to it, it is all because of you taking the right attitude and treating your dh right. I'm not sure about that. I don't envy you the vomiting and the 10 pints very much, no matter how trustworthy he is in matters sexual. But I was a bit amazed at how much you have assumed about me and how happy you were to use my OP to parade how great your life is.
Just to set the record straight, I have a full time job too. Our kids aren't that little, they are both at school now, and besides I have worked right through and have never been a SAHM.
Dh and I do have a reasonably busy social life both together and apart. I don't insist he is home by a certain time, any more than he does to me. I do school run and tea etc three nights in the week, and he does the other two, so we can both work.
I don't mind at all if dh goes to the pub, footie whatever though in fact he is a bit of a homebird and doesn't go out much without me. But he plays in a middle-aged rock band most weekends and good luck to him, I don't always go along . He often comes home in the early hours, I have never minded at all, we all need a hobby and he's really good at it and enjoys himself.
The famous Masseuse card, as I remember it before dh threw it on the fire (!!) had a lady in frilly knicks and nothing else, calling herself "Mimi", offering "massage services". So definitely not to be confused with a sports massage. Despite the troubles of the past few days I laughed a lot at the post saying "be careful if you feel stressed in Soho". The card was in a box on his desk, which had a lid on it, I only found it because I was putting pennies away in it, it is where we bung spare change..I thought then (and still think) he had the card in his pocket and just emptied the lot into the box randomly, prob thinking it was just one of a handful of work business cards which were also kicking about at the time.
He said at the time he had never seen it before in his life, that his bro must have dropped it in the house and the cleaner must have put it in the box. I was too embarrassed to ask her if that was true. Have never really sorted it to my satisfaction...
Um...anyway, that's it I think for now. Goodbye...

So, are y'all going to come back and apologise now?

Hope it all works out somehow corrie.

FWIW, I think this sort of shit is an AIBU problem, other sections of the site (Relationships) tend to be more supportive.

Corrie - glad to see you back, you're made of sterner stuff than me!

You sound like your life with your DH is as balanced as a life would want to be. Love the 'middle aged rock band' idea. Why have I decided your DH now looks like Francis Doodah from Status Quo?

I hope that any discussions with your DH keep being open and things get 'sorted'. You've left that pretty ambiguous, can I assume that your problems with trust weren't entirely unfounded? (but then again, after this thread I wouldn't want to assume anything - your last post shows how off base folk can be).

If it is possible, keep us updated, because I'd love to know that things are going okay again.

Good for you Corrie - glad you returned to the fray despite all the judging and the smugness.

Hope it all works out (and that you are not deflected in the future either from trusting your instincts or asking for advice....)

nutella, I have already apologized. But my posts were not aimed directly at the OP, it was to other posters but I should not of allowed myself to forget what the whole thread was to the OP. And for that, I have apologized. There just seemed to be so much hatred aimed towards the OP's partner, and men in general on here, and it is like it is impossible for men to be innocent in cases like these which I find pretty sad.

Now it's clarified, it does sound like it wasn't a simple masseuse card. And for it to be his brothers, given where you exactly found it, I now doubt it was too unless the cleaner had put it there, but even if she still worked there, I doubt she would remember now. I suppose only you can make judgement on that, as you know him, we don't.

I just hope OP, much so, that for yours and the childrens sakes, that there IS an honest, innocent explanation. And I hope this can be sorted.

best of luck corrie - i hope you get sorted.