Splitting Bill in Restaurant - AIBU / WWYD?

[Shiftinglard]

A couple of weeks ago 9 of us went out for a meal for my birthday. We went to a local restaurant, and had (I thought!) a really good time.

The bill came to £360 including all the drinks, so DH split it so we all paid £40 each leaving a £36 tip. We normally do it this way rather than getting the menu and splitting up the bill, we had said first and everyone was ok with this. We had really good service and food, and a couple of the waiting staff were teens that we know. DH was paying for mine, so whilst the they went to pay, I went off the loo then through to the bar. The others joined us,and we had a really good fun evening.

However, the next day one of my friends said that a guest (a friend I used to work with, I work in the same company but have moved base so still have contact with her) had looked aghast at the bill, literally jaw dropped, and said that as she hadn't had a starter or drank as much as us she thought it was "extortionate" (her husband had drank quite a bit).

I felt really bad at this, the friend in question and her DH had stayed at our house, but had left before we got up the next day (10am) however did send a text saying thanks for a good evening, and will see me soon. I thought about it for a bit, then emailed her and offered to reimburse her £20 as I didn't want her to feel she had been subsidising our food/wine, that I really enjoyed their company and thanked them for coming, and didn't want her to be put off coming again if she found it too expensive. I haven't heard back from her since.

Since then, I saw one of the teens who was on the waiting staff , who I know through my kids. She said we were a "bit miserable not leaving a tip", which I felt upset about. I then realised that the friend who was against paying waited until everyone had paid their £40, then stepped up and made up the difference to the bill, paying £44 for them both, so that no tip was left at all.

Should I just leave it? I find it odd I haven't heard back from her after offering to reimburse her some of the bill. It could also be awkward if I see her at work.

aldiwhore I'd disagree that a tip isn't expected if there's no service charge added. I think it's been normal in the UK for a number of years now, even if it is an American import.

If there is already 10-12.5% service charge added (as there usually is these days) then I'd agree that no further tip is needed.

£4 tip on £36 bill is only 11% - hardly extravagant!

That's horrible. We went out recently with DHs work mates for a leaving do. We went to a Chinese and I didnt have anything at all to eat because it was the start of the night and I can't eat then go out on the lash! I had 4 drinks and DH had one main course dish and a couple of beers. When the bill was divided up our share was £100. I have to admit I was mildly pissed off but we paid up and I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything.
Its disgusting not to pay your share and more so to do it in a sneaky deceitful way,

Were they definitely the last ones to pay?

Yes they were definitely last ones to pay, or rather she was - her husband came through to the bar leaving her to pay and she was the last one to come into the bar.

I did sympathise with her feeling put upon, which is why I offered £20, I then felt really bad and worried that I had upset her or insulted her as I didn't hear back.

We felt the tip was appropriate, we had excellent service, and the food was lovely. I know the tips there get shared out amongst kitchen and waiting staff, and we normally always leave a 10% tip wherever we go, unless it was really dreadful service. I used to be a waitress years ago, and the tips really do make a different. It just seemed easier to round it up to £40.

Anyway, will find out later, me and DH are going to go there for a Sunday roast dinner, and he is going to ask the owner.

And have you decided what to do about your friend?

I have a very valued friend who's done some things that horrify me. Like rummaging through Bag 2 Skool donated bags and helping herself to anything she fancies... I found out when she was wearing a pair of my other friend's boots!! She said she made up the weight of the bag with old sheets - must have taken a few - but I highly doubt it. Why is she still a friend, because her value in other ways far outweighs her dubious behaviour, and because I know she's like that, I protect myself. (I have taken the piss out of her since, which is worth its weight in boots).

Convert, I know what you mean, but I just accept that we only go if we have enough money to afford getting stung. It really fucked me off when pregnant for us to pay £55 for two pizzas, a beer and a diet coke.... We just sucked it up. Annoying though. Now I'm not pregnant anymore and only occasionally go out, I want to have a good time and do get stuck in to the menu and wine - but I always pipe up that I've had more than others and put in extra. I think it is so rude when people have loads of booze, expensive items on the menu and don't think that others could probably do with not subsidising them. Mind you, a lot of our mates are minted now - they really don't get why our car is over ten years old and we shop at asda / lidl.

OP - that woman should be ashamed. If you really can't afford it, she shouldn't have gone. If people are really your friends and want to see you, they will realise and offer to host at home, go somewhere with corkage etc.

Some of the richest people I know are the tightest - that is why they are rich!

Can I just point out that nobody knows this is what happened? It's suspected and may well be right but I would not be sending emails accusing of anything without cold hard proof.

Yes I hate bill split miseries too.

If she couldn't have afforded it, she shouldn't have gone -whoops

That is why I am in a dilemma, as I do really like her, and she has been really helpful to me in work. As well as thinking (if it really did happen, although seems likely) that it was a pretty low thing to do, I also feel bad that she felt she had to do that rather than just say that she would pay for her own stuff.

I think that I may probably just leave it, if I see her at work just talk to her normally, give the £20 to the waiting staff, and not invite her out again, or if she invites me out will make excuses.

What do you mean - if she couldn't afford it, she shouldn't have gone?

People might want to share the experience but only pay for what they have eaten / drank. Plus a tip.

What's wrong with that - some people just can't afford to subsidise other eaters and drinkers.

Or is that being a bill splitter miser?

I can afford exactly what I eat and drink. Possibly a SMALL tip (I'd love to give more, when I was a waitress and ate out - perish the thought a waitress had a life - I also wanted to give more, but I couldn't).

Go out with her again shiftinglard or keep her a house guest only friend, we've plenty of those, ranging from those who bring a calculator to the dining table (and request that if you're paying cash you have the right change!) to those who simply do things differently to us. If they come to your home, you get to be more in control (and expect to pay for the evening - apart from drink).

We don't eat out much in large groups, birthdays/christmas etc are usually houe party type things, I can't say I actually ENJOY sitting at a large table with lots of people I can't talk to. So maybe I'm biased!

Shiftinglard that is terrible! I agree with other posters that she is a stealing cowbag.

Personally I wouldn't say anything to her, but I would make damn well sure she never went to any more of my nights out.

If she says anything to you about the £20 you offered though you need to say "Oh that, I gave it to the waiter I know there seeing as you pilfered the tip everyone chipped in for".

Did your husband just decide on the tip? Why not just let people tip what they wanted to? Some would tip less than £4, some more. I don't think the amount should have been determined by your husband; he wasn't 'in charge' of the event, as such. Why didn't he settle up at the end instead of marching off to pay for your two meals?

I also think that if you're good friends as you say you are, you'd pick up on somebody's discomfort. You say yourself that you wouldn't have wanted your friends to subsidise your food and drink yet clearly you have a friend here who thinks that they were put in this position.

Finally... the waiting staff are beyond rude to have queried about the tip. It isn't mandatory. Pay the tip yourself if you're bothered but quite frankly, it all sounds quite crass and uncomfortable. Don't 'invite' people to events that you don't pay for. If you're not intending to 'invite', ie. pay for, then just suggest generally a night out, everybody pays for themselves.

I don't think you're going to get past what this 'friend' did, but you need to. Leave it to her own conscience and pay the tip yourself if you want to.

Why did you decide what tip others had to pay.

I may seem tight here but I never tip, so wouldnt like the thought of the host thinking she had the right to buget a tip in.

When out with friends we split the bill, then if you want to tip its put in after.

McHappyPants, you never tip?! You're right, you do sound tight! 10% is a pretty standard tip, unless you get bad service.

I think the fact that you have not had a reply shows she knows she was out of order and also she'd get into more bother if she took the £ 20 offered - seeing as it seems she paid only £44 for both of them. How do you reply to the offer of £ 20 when you know you took others' tip money to pay for you and your husband's meal? If you don't hear from her OP I wouldn't take that as a sign you have offended her or done something wrong. I think she knows whatever she says in response to you email will either get her in deeper or show her up to be tight/mean etc.

You never tip McHappy? I agree with Tidy, you do sound tight.

She effectively stole the tip . What a shit. I'd send her another text retracting you offer and saying you have compensated the staff on her behalf.

What a cow - nicking the tip is outrageous.

i pity her - she is either tight

or hasn't done this kind of group thing with friends before.

its such an rse when someone says " oh i'll just pay for my main and the 1 glass of wine i had

as everyone else starts working out their own portion.

It is fine to say that you want to pay separately, especially when eating out in a large group. Being concious of your budget (regardless of what you earn) is not being mean. If is duplicitous to steal money left by other people for a tip and use it to supplement your own bill.

My DH didn't' decide the tip, he said to the table that it came to £36 and the general consensus was to pay £40, she agreed although perhaps she thought that was for both of them?

I had made it quite clear that we would not be paying for everyone to have dinner, I said that we were going to the restaurant for a birthday meal, anyone who wanted to join us was welcome, and that there was a menu online so they could see beforehand the prices etc.

You are right in saying I didn't know her well enough to do this, as normally we always do this with our group of friends (apart from the steak and cheeseboard ones!), however I had never been out with her socially, i.e. outside work. Maybe it is better to keep work/social life separate from now on.

Incidentally, they were enjoying themselves, and I bought two rounds of drinks afterwards in the bar for everyone, so that was the sole outgoing of their evening.