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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about 19 yr old DD getting married?

250 replies

jemmyjem · 10/06/2012 04:54

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 10/06/2012 20:21

Ynbu to have your concerns. I think I would feel exactly the same as you and you were right to be honest with her in my opinion. But the bottom line is it's not your call. I think you should accept and ultimately embrace her decision if it goes ahead. I completely understand it's not the lifestyle you want for her but then if that's what she wants then I think you should support her.

thebody · 10/06/2012 20:29

Be happy for her, they sound very much in love and as med students will eventually make good livings.

I was engaged at 16! Married at 20 and 24 years on and 4 kids later we are Happier than ever.

If he's the one then she will know.

Nothing is set in stone and life can be so shite so i tell my kids to grab happiness with both hands and enjoy.

If the marriage works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't and it won't be anything to do with age.

ComposHat · 10/06/2012 20:38

Do update us all!

NeverFearWonderWomanIsHere · 10/06/2012 20:47

I can see why you're worried, and I would be worried too. But you need to let her play this out, is is quite possible they won't get married for a while yet. It must have been hell for my parents when I met DH at 16, he had a 2 year old dd, I moved in with him after 3 weeks, got engaged at 17, then married at 21. But we're still together now 17 years later and we have 2 dds now.

Original poster
jemmyjem · 10/06/2012 21:02

Ok so just had a chat with DD. I apologised for sounding judgemental, told her of course I was happy she was in love but then explained my concerns again. She very passionately told me she had met the love of her life but then started crying as she said she didn't want to be away from him any longer and that 'love conquers all'. A lot of you have said DD must be very mature because she is doing medicine, I don't think that's strictly true. She is very brilliant academically but has also been known to rush into things and has a very 'follow your heart' attitude which in this case seems to be blinding her to the practicalities of getting married.

She is adamant that she wants to get married by next year, when I asked how she would pay for it she wasn't sure then said they might just have a quick registry wedding and not have the reception till years later. In that case why not just wait until then I asked, but she says she doesn't want to. She also said she might want to transfer to country bf is in - she hasn't actually researched this, doesn't know if it is feasible with course, again this all seems to be wishful thinking on her part.

I just don't understand the rush but I get the impression she wants the commitment of marriage to help her through the years apart. I don't know. I can do nothing now except try and be supportive!

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/06/2012 21:07

Good for you chatting to her. It does sound tricky.

I'd be really concerned about her transferring - usually it is hard to transfer from one university to another that is just as good. She really needs to research it.

Good luck with it all - I hope it works out for the best, whatever happens in the end.

scottishmummy · 10/06/2012 21:14

if her bf overseas she needs to check the validity of non uk med degree
gmc page primary medical qualification
this needs to undertaken v seriously, any transfer is big deal. different learning styles at diff unis etc
she needs to see a tutor prior to any transfer

mumeeee · 10/06/2012 21:23

Your DD is geting engaged and may not actually get married for some time.YANBU to be worried but if is what she wants then just be happy for her geting married young workd well for a lot of people,DD1 got engaged wheb she was 20 and gpt married a week before she was 22 that was partly to do with finsihing uni first and getting a venue for the reception. Anyway she is now 25 and has been happily married gor 3 years. Mind you DD3 was quite mature at 20 I would be mote worried if DD2 22 suddenly anounced she was getting engaged but even then I would just accept her decision ( well try to),

MrsMuddyPuddles · 10/06/2012 21:28

ah wishful thinking, I remember when I did that last week-- Encourage her towards looking at transferring.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/06/2012 21:31

DH and I were 19 when we met.
And married at 29 Grin

See what happens I think!

cantspel · 10/06/2012 21:38

I dont think she sounds very mature nor thought through her marriage plans.

In reality she is a 19 year old student, living in halls and being financed by the bank of mum and dad. Her boyfriend is overseas and a student so unless he has independant means the op hasn't disclosed just where does she think she is going to get the funds to finance this.

Hopefully the boyfriend is not in such a hurry and will be able to talk a bit of sense into her and she will settle for the engagement as a sign of commitment for now.

ClaireBunting · 10/06/2012 21:58

Surely you would pay for the wedding?

Original poster
jemmyjem · 10/06/2012 22:07

yes, we would have paid for the wedding, just that we thought this wedding would be taking place years in the future when she had graduated and not at age 20. I asked her how she planned to pay for it to make her think of the financial practicalities of marriage.

I think DD is shocked by my reaction because when she was younger we both used to like paging through wedding magazines and talk about the kind of wedding she'd like to have. I love planning parties and things, and so does DD so we did tend to 'dream' together. Think this may have encouraged her to think I would be pleased if she got married young!

DD also pointed out that our society delays adulthood, making it difficult for young people to be adults and that her grandparents got married at a younger age than her. I suppose this is true in some ways.

DD also wants me to throw an engagement party for them this summer - not sure I really want to do this, as I know all my friends and our family will be shocked and think it a bit weird. Although I'm sure I'm being unreasonable about this as it is more about 'my' sense of embarassment and awkwardness.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 10/06/2012 22:13

JEm she sounds really an intense girl is she usually like this , I would maybe try and change the direction and say you are delighted for them and would love to help her arrange the wedding she may slow down iyswim , How long is he away for she may be freaking incase he meets somebody else.

cantspel · 10/06/2012 22:17

why should a parent pay for a wedding? I thought that was a thing of the past and now part of being a grown up was paying your own way in life.

Maybe a contribution towards it if finances allow but to stump up for the whole thing?

Do parents today still expect to have to pay for their daughters weddings?

ClaireBunting · 10/06/2012 22:18

Tradition, can't spell.

That's a good thing, btw.

Mrsjay · 10/06/2012 22:19

I bloody hope not Hmm MY mum and dad didnt pay for my wedding they did help but i couldnt put that on them, I wont be paying for the whole thing when my DDs get married ,

cantspel · 10/06/2012 22:25

Tradition that i thought went out with the view that daughters were chattels to be handed over from one man to another.

As i only have sons maybe i should count myself lucky and hope they find a wife with traditional parents

Sassybeast · 10/06/2012 22:34

I was engaged at her age, adamant that we would get married within 2 years and the whole thing had fizzled out within 5 months.

EvenBetter · 10/06/2012 22:43

The average wedding costs £21,000.
Mine, with all the big stuff free (last year) cost £8000 and £1000s of our parents money.
I can't see how they could possibly afford it!?
Degrees cost about £30,000 now as well don't they?

expatinscotland · 10/06/2012 22:53

It might fizzle out. Engagement parties? I thought those went out donks ago.

As for the whole paying for a wedding, huh? Registry office, about £300 and you don't even need rings, or get cheap ones at H Samuel or even a pawn shop.

Job done.

expatinscotland · 10/06/2012 22:54

Oh, and when you're married you are classed as independent adult and eligible for grants/financial aid.

I don't get where weddings have to be something you 'can't afford'. It's about £300.

VashtiBunyan · 10/06/2012 23:07

Why have people bought into consumerism so much? A wedding costs a couple of hundred quid. £21,000 is ridiculous.

ComposHat · 10/06/2012 23:15

Exactly Vashti!

ComposHat · 10/06/2012 23:18

Does anyone in this day and age still expect their parents to pay for the whole thing?

I can imagine the reaction I'd get if I put something like this to them: gales of laughter followed by a two word response.

The second word being 'off'

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