about 19 yr old DD getting married?

[jemmyjem]

My 19, almost 20 year old DD has just announced she is engaged to her bf of 2 years. They are in a long distance relationship (he is at uni overseas and she here) and while on holiday last week he popped the question. Now DD announces this to the whole family expecting us to be thrilled and I tried to be happy for her, congratulating her etc but she sensed something was off and asked me what the matter was. I told her I was a bit hmmm about getting engaged, a feeling my DH shares. For starters I think she is just too young! They have been in a long distance relationship for most of the time they have been together and have not spent any real time together except in 'holiday' mode.

The long distance relationship itself is not something I am thrilled about but obviously its her decision.. I think she should be having fun and enjoying herself and instead she spends most of her time on skype/phone with him, passing out nights out with friends to stay in, getting very sad/depressed if they don't talk or if they argue. He is a nice boy and they love each other but AIBU in not being thrilled that they are getting married so young? DD says they want to get married before they graduate as they still have quite a few more years to go with their degrees (both doing medicine) and I'm concerned that this will throw them off track with their work as they attempt to plan a wedding.

I told DD my concerns and she burst into tears, saying I was babying her, 'any mother would be happy that her daughter is getting married' and accused me of ruining her big news. AIBU?

The guy I was with at 20 I married at 29 (after 3 kids) - we split up 18 months later.

No guarantees with anything and like PP's have said thy may not ending up getting married anyway.

My cousin wanted to get married at 20, my uncle told her that once she had her degree in hand she could do what she wanted, until then, no way

But at 20s there's nothing he could have done to stop her.

Think people need to decide when someone is an adult and when they're aren't in their eyes

For example: Adult enough to be paying keep etc, but not old enough to make decisions for themselves.

Timetoask if anyone told me what I could and couldn't do right now, age 20, they'd be told where to go.

Oh, I agree she's an adult - but (a) I think 20 is too early on in adulthood to get married* (b) no, the OP obviously can't stop her but she doesn't have to approve of it either. If this young woman is an adult she doesn't need her mother's blessing, dammit, the absence of which she seems to be feeling is ruining her life.

*admittedly I am 49 and still refusing Mr Inferior's frequent offers of marriage...

I got married at 21 (just!!) and we have now been married 4 years. We have a lovely 4 bed home as a result of working together and supporting one another during the point when our careers were kick starting.

I think a lot of people find the love of their lives earlier on than you realise. I certainly did. I wasn't expecting for it to happen to me so early. But what was I supposed to do? Tread water waiting to get to a more 'acceptable' age or get on with my life? And that's nothing against you, OP btw

Iti s hard to envisage the practicalities of this marriage at the moment. Obviously your dd misses him like hell and that is why she is tearful when you sound against the marriage. I don't see what is going to happen though. They have (both?) another 4 years to go on their degrees, in different countries, very far apart from each other, no money and as students, presumably neither has a home the other can move into so they need to have jobs or at least one does before they can actually set up home together.

What is going to happen? Is your dd to break off her degree, move "very far away" to where he is and live with his family? Are they going to continue to live in different countries , meeting in the holidays although they will be married? Are they looking at actually living together in 4-5 years time, 2-3 years into their marriage?

How does she see this working or do you think she just wants the emotional certainty that knowing she will be getting married gives her atm when she is missing him so much?

Don't want to out myself and her..... But an eminent female prof of medicine of my acquaintance married at 19 and is still married.

And not only that, but not everyone wants to spend their 20's travelling, in clubs and bars all night every night. Some want to be a 'grown up', and yet it seems to be criticised. So on one hand, you encourage your kids to be independent, work towards a career and pay their way etc, but on the other;as soon as they want to act on a serious relationship, they arent seen as mature enough. Again, I'm not attacking you in any way OP! I'm just throwing out my ideas.

or has your dd said that she plans to complete her degree in the country he resides in atm or v.v.?

inferior that is your opinion. Who are you to say that me and my DP are too young at 21 and 23 to have a house, car, DC and due to be married in August.

If I were to say people are too old their would be uproar.

My sister met her DH when she was 20 and they are still happily together 19 yrs later.

Also even if your DD does marry him and it all goes tits up is it really the end of the world?

I am divorced - I never planned to be but it's not the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I certainly don't regret my 1st marriage.

I just hope my 2nd will be more successful .

'I think a lot of people find the love of their lives earlier on than you realise'

Ah yes, but there are quite a lot of loves of one's life out there, you know and you can have a lot of fun searching among them...

My main reason for saying that you need to let go slowly over the years and not overprotect/over control 16 and 17yr olds is that once they are 18yrs they can do what they like. Unless OP can control it with purse strings there is very little she can do.
The DD is an adult, and as she studying medicine at university she must have a fairly good level of maturity, so she can make her own decisions. NorthernLurker gave the best advice way back.

MI, one person's having fun is often another person's being used.

OP i understand how fustrating it is when they are so into a boyfriend that they seem to have no life outwith that BF,
My 19 yr old dd is the same her Bf is nice blah blah but he doesn't do anything won't go out likes to stay home , and dd is now the same and the longer she goes out with him the more fustrated i get , I think god i was out with friends at 19 as well as having a bf (now dh).
all you can do is support them and let them get on with it they may never get married or get married in 10 yrs time they are adults young adults but I think you have told her you dont agree with it and you don't have to like it.

I was X-years old when I met my Y-year old husband and we've been together for Z years, so obviously this will work out and you have no reason to worry about it.

Oh i have been with my husband since we were 18 we are now 41 so it can work

I was married at 21, just a year older thn the OP's DD. we have now been married for 26 years and have 5 DCs.

We were also LDR having spent about 6 months in each others' company over 2 years.

I think LDR can be really good because you really get to know one another rather than spending all your time shagging.

You need to sit down with DD and have a frank conversation. You were obviously surprised by her announcement, so can explain your immediate reaction. I was lucky that my DH2b asked my father first, so there were no public surprises.

What do you think of the young man? Do you like him? I think if he is a fine man, then you can do nothing but support the relationship.

I think it is very hard for medics and very difficult to advise on what to expect from a relationship when they are going through their house jobs.

One thing to remember is that neither of them is stupid and they probably approach most things with a very pragmatic view.

I got engaged at 21, had been with my boyfriend from the age of 17. Six months later I postponed the wedding, six months after that I broke it off as I'd met someone new. I'm glad I didn't rush into marrying my first boyfriend.

New man and I have been married 4 years this year (it was a LDR).

An engagement doesn't necessarily mean a wedding. Just be supportive of your daughter, either if she goes ahead or if she gets cold feet (no matter how many deposits have been paid)!

I'm 22 and just got engaged, been with my fiance for 7 years and I currently live overseas for work. My first thought when I read this was how is she going to pay for it? We're planning on getting married in 2014 and have recently been told by my dad that he can't afford to help us pay for the wedding cos of his pension etc. It has made us really think about what we want in the wedding and when we will be able to afford it. Maybe if you speak to your daughter about how she is going to pay for it she may wait until they finish uni and have jobs to support themselves. Unless you plan to pay for it all. I'd hate to start a marraige in debt and apparently the average UK wedding costs £15,000.

OP, I would go back to your DD and let her know that you don't disapprove. You were taken aback, and that you are happy for her, and will support her in every decision she makes.

Because if it does go belly up, she will need you and she will need to know you will not judge her and say "I told you so!"

DD is not really independent. She does live away from home, but comes back at least once a month - lives in catered halls so her food is cooked, room is cleaned. Her money comes from us, as she's not allowed by uni to have job during term-time. So yes, I am worried that she is playing at being grown up, even though obviously she is legally one.

I have no idea what their plans are. If they are planning to get married by next year, what they will do. I am concerned about her dropping out, although I really don't think she would, she has her heart set on becoming a doctor. But then she is a bit of a hopeless romantic. Also I know she adores kids and wants to have them so I'm also worried pregnancy could be on the cards! DH thinks I'm overreacting, and that it's a sign of their commitment more than anything and they might not even make it down the aisle, that when reality sets in about the logistical difficulties involved they might rethink.

I am definitely prepared to help pay for wedding if they wait till graduation and I will offer her this option.

Anyway I am about to speak to DD so wish me luck!

My DH and I met at uni but only started dating 6 months after I had left. We never lived in the same place at the same time including two stints when we were away travelling after we each finished degree/training ( me for 4 months and then him the following year for 6 months). We moved in together when I was 23 and he was 22 and got engaged 6 weeks later and married the following year. Still together 21 years later!

It's her choice at the end of the day. If you had told me to wait, I'd have told you where to go, tbh. I don't believe in waiting if my heart and conscience tell me otherwise, and at 19, I knew what that was. Of course, it's different now I'm 41, but I've had the luxury of living that long, too. Life is for living now, not for a future you may not have.

I know my children, but I teach them to know themselves most of all. And when they are adults, I have to leave them to be adults, even if it means they make mistakes. Many times, we only learn something is a mistake in hindsight, however.

If it were my child I think I'd focus more on the practicalities and combining career/study with marriage and family, which we all have to do at every age.

Some people seem immature practically, but are mature emotionally. Others find themselves or put themselves into particular situations and grow up very quickly.

People enjoy themselves and experience freedom in many different ways. No one way is better or more right than another. For some it means travelling and clubbing and playing the field. For others, it doesn't.

Again, no way is better than another and having lived the life I have, a very colourful one, I don't feel I'm in the position to ever pronounce judgement on any way my kids select (barring become drug dealers, criminals or neo-Nazis or shit like that).