I have been hurt by a friend and don't know what to do

[babbsy]

Recently a friend died. She was the mother of one of my son's classmates and had been ill with cancer for some time. We used to be good friends , but we moved away from the school for two years and when we returned so had her cancer and she was somewhat reclusive of course. Also our ds were not as close. However I wrote my friend several notes saying how much I was thinking of her and asked about her frequently. She did not want visits.
When she died I wanted to go to her funeral. Once I found out the details of it Imsent a text to three of my friends giving them the details. one of them, let's call her A, sent a text back saying that the funeral was for close friends and family only,sorry, meaning I should not go. I was hurt but texted back that ok, I wouldn't attend?
However, the day before the funeral I phoned the widower and asked if I could attend. He said that I would be really welcome, must come back to the house and he thought that he had invited me already. So I went. The funeral was very well attended, lots of people there including our headmaster, teachers and lots of other people who were certainly not close friends or family.
On the way out I found myself behind A, and said hello to her. She stood with her back to me and said hello. I said hello again, she said she did not want to speak to me, so I said "that's a bit rude" "rude! Rude! You're rude for being here" she said, then she said" just get away from me".
I was really really upset . I did not go back to the house, but a friend of mine did and asked her why she had been so unkind and she said that she had been lost in thought when I spoke to her and she was now sorry. Although I did not believe her explanation i sent A a text saying that she had hurt me and that I had been at the funeral at the invitation of the widower, but I have heard nothing back.
I am so upset about this as I do not know why I in particular should be singled out for her disapproval and not the others who were there. More particularly though, I do not know how I should react when I next see her? Ignore her? Glare? Try to discuss the matter?
Your advice much appreciated. Can't sleep

I would just cut A from your life, she sounds horrible

she obviously has a problem with you but its her problem. there is never an invites to a funeral imo - you go if you care and you want to pay your respects. you wanted to do both. you sound lovely. please ignore her- she has no right to dictate who attends any funeral.

She sounds like a true bitch & agree you should just cut her from your life. Wasn't her place to decide who should or shouldn't be at the funeral & if she had a problem with you she should have either spoke to you prior to the day of the funeral or after, very disrespectful of her to make a scene whilst there.

What do the other friends say about the situation?

she obviously doesnt want to be friends, so its all been taken out of your hands

I would avoid her until she apologises. Who does she think she is to control who goes to the funeral of someone she's not related to? She has massively overstepped the line!

Seems to be A with the problem not you - most odd and I think maybe a bit controlling if she made it her place to decide who could cometo a funeral.

Allow the passage of time chance to heal It often does. Good luck

I would say just to ignore her. It is her choice to be rude about this and it was nothing to do with her whether or not you went to pay your respects at the funeral. It was your right to attend. It seems she doesn't want a friendship with you anymore so I would leave it and concentrate on the ones that are greatful to be in your life. It was really rude and disrespectful of her to behave like that at the funeral, maybe it's a sign of what her true colours are and you're better off without her as a friend anyway.

Just don't have anything more to do with her. Whatever her problem is it is exactly that. HER problem. The bereaved husband wanted you there, that's the only thing that matters. What she thinks is irrelevant.

All I get from your op is me me me.

Gosh. I can't even begin to think of a sane reason why she would have been so rude to you but she obviously has some issue with you - let it (and her) go.

I wouldn't bother asking mutual friends, tbh - it may only put them in an uncomfortable position (been in similar) - so try to move on.

Sorry about the loss of your friend to the cancer, btw.

I think both of you need to be thinking less about yourselves and more about the family that just lost their mother/wife. Who cares who said what to who? Not going back to the house because someone was mean to you....it all sounds so juvenile.

I also think that ringing the dead woman's husband the night before the funeral is really really out of order.

You obviously weren't a close friend and tbh, I think you sound attention seeking.

it sounds to me that she wanted to take the role of chief grieving best friend and you being there and having been a good friend of hers, you would possibly take that 'status' away from her

that said, her behaviour at a house of mourning was disgraceful. she was rude and aggressive. not lost in thought... sounds like a drama queen who wants to be in charge

i wouldn't lose any more sleep about her being out of your life , you've sent the text, she has not responded, and she's really quite nasty, so be glad that she has not responded !

Losing a friend is very painful and emotions get frayed around bereavement. You both need to stop fussing about this and take some time to cool down.

sorry, misread that bit, you didn't got back to the house....

i don't think it's rude for her to have rung to check that she was ok to go ,

what madmouse said

i think she sounds quite angry with you for some reason - does she believe that you were not there for your friend when it mattered?

whatever the cause, i would let it lie, i doubt very much that now is the time to address it.

give her some space and time - she may be hurting that her friend has died, and perhaps she spent more time with her than you did. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that - your lives took a different path - but she maybe believes that you could have been there more perhaps?

I think the friend has been traumatised by seeing her friend die, and that's affecting her judgement.

i am sorry that she has hurt you. try to remember that whatever it is that is bugging her, it is her problem, not yours.

you have not done anything wrong. you have behaved perfectly and with consideration for
others.

i'm with whoever said 'cut her out of your life'. you don't have to appease her. you don't need her approval. move on. she's the loser in this situation. you sound like a nice person to know.

...Like what Vicar just said ^^

Thank you for your support. Lots of valid advice here from kind and not so kind people. Yes, maybe I am a bit attention seeking, I have lots of faults.
So, I am going to think more about the bereaved family, less about me, and even less about her!
But would still like some advice about how to behave when I next see her, as I do not want to exacerbate this situation.

I don´t understand why you sent texts.

Why did you think that they wouldn´t know when it was when you had managed to find out?

Also, I´d find a text re a friends funeral bloody offensive.

Why did you have to say hello again when she had replied to you?

Just behave as though she is a stranger. A polite hello and carry on.