I have been hurt by a friend and don't know what to do

[babbsy]

Recently a friend died. She was the mother of one of my son's classmates and had been ill with cancer for some time. We used to be good friends , but we moved away from the school for two years and when we returned so had her cancer and she was somewhat reclusive of course. Also our ds were not as close. However I wrote my friend several notes saying how much I was thinking of her and asked about her frequently. She did not want visits.
When she died I wanted to go to her funeral. Once I found out the details of it Imsent a text to three of my friends giving them the details. one of them, let's call her A, sent a text back saying that the funeral was for close friends and family only,sorry, meaning I should not go. I was hurt but texted back that ok, I wouldn't attend?
However, the day before the funeral I phoned the widower and asked if I could attend. He said that I would be really welcome, must come back to the house and he thought that he had invited me already. So I went. The funeral was very well attended, lots of people there including our headmaster, teachers and lots of other people who were certainly not close friends or family.
On the way out I found myself behind A, and said hello to her. She stood with her back to me and said hello. I said hello again, she said she did not want to speak to me, so I said "that's a bit rude" "rude! Rude! You're rude for being here" she said, then she said" just get away from me".
I was really really upset . I did not go back to the house, but a friend of mine did and asked her why she had been so unkind and she said that she had been lost in thought when I spoke to her and she was now sorry. Although I did not believe her explanation i sent A a text saying that she had hurt me and that I had been at the funeral at the invitation of the widower, but I have heard nothing back.
I am so upset about this as I do not know why I in particular should be singled out for her disapproval and not the others who were there. More particularly though, I do not know how I should react when I next see her? Ignore her? Glare? Try to discuss the matter?
Your advice much appreciated. Can't sleep

On the way out, Knowsitall - means walking, usually.

Thumbwitch Read the OP in full. I would still think it was rude to chat on the way out.

A sounds very unpleasant and self-righteous. Who does she think she is, to have a say in who attends?

We were all sending outside after the service, everyone was chatting to each other whilst waiting to leave. I turned to go and she was next to me, but with her back to me

Would you, ForFox? Well that's fair enough for you then - but that's not what A said, is it - she said it was rude for the OP to have come at all.

I don't know why you even pushed for a more detailed conversation. A quick hello at a funeral while walking out is good. Many people do reflect after the service before going back to the house. Its there that you can have longer conversations.

You were pushy and she could've been a bit more polite.

I think you have a really strange attitude.

You moved away for some years. You come back and find that people have moved on, and you are no longer part of a close circle of friends. Possibly because you moved and moved on without really keeping in touch with anyone.

You pester a sick friend who clearly does not want to be in touch with you.

Am I right in thinking you saw your friends funeral as a "vehicle" for catapulting yourself right into the middle of the group again?

You text about funeral arrangements.

You badger a mourning woman on the doorstep of the Church after service. You keep saying hello because you want a civil face to face conversation. Was this the right time and place? You have NO empathy for the situation and the grief her close friends and family seem to experience.

"I turned to go and she was next to me, but with her back to me"

What was so important that you had to get her attention just then?

Couldn´t it have waited until you both got to the house?

Mynewpassion. No, I don't know why I did either. I wasn't pushing for a conversation but I was stung by her rudeness. Didn't go back to the house mainly because
I could not face this woman again

I'm not getting drawn into an argument, I offered what I thought may be a reason.

A did respond, and was pushed for more and called rude. I don't personally think the OP did anything wrong by attending the funeral at all, however I would maybe have left it at a hello each, there was a chance to catch up at the house afterwards.

Total x-post with many - sorry.

Have people not noticed that the rude horrible woman had not seen the friend who died for 18 months?

Why is the op getting a hard time?
The woman told her not to go to the funeral and got pissed off because she did.
It is not her place to decide who could go or to get upset when she is not obeyed.
Why is her grief more important than anyone else's?
Ime it is those who have the least reason who are most likely to behave badly at funerals.

I don´t that A was rude in the circs tbh.

She acknowledged you (just not as you wanted) & then when you pushed it, she told you that she didn´t want to speak to you.

I agree with MrsDeVere

Dear quintessential shadows. I think you assume too much. You don't know who my friends are, nor how I kept in touch with them whilst I was away, nor how they feel about me. Is sending a card to a sick friend pestering?
Please explain why forwarding a text about the funeral arrangements is wrong?
I didn't badger her on the steps of the church , it wasn't a church, there were no steps. I didn't keep saying hello, I said it 2 times. I do have sympathy and empathy because both my husband and parents have died.

What an upsetting time for you. OP you really have done no wrong, friend A was cruel to you. Not that she has now apologised, just leave it at that and be polite when you see her next.

Actually, phone calls from friends leading up up to the funeral, and even people calling out of the blue to express condolences are usual - I don't see anything to criticise the OP for. The OP was attending a funeral of an old friend. Sometimes distance does mean we drift apart but life is a winding pathway and you meet many people, and at funerals friends, past and present, come together to commemorate that person's life, all of it.

I can't speak for A, on the surface her behaviour appears rude but funerals are emotional. I wouldn't say anything to A but maintain a polite demeanor. It would be incredibly bad form for her to say anything to you about this - especially given your own widow status - but if she does then you simply reiterate with a dignified and level gaze: "I attended the funeral of an old friend at the invitation of the widower."

Ok, sorry I was wrong about the steps, and I know nothing.

Never mind.

Just because a person hadn't seen the person who was ill, by her own request, doesn't mean that they haven't been supporting her or her family. A could've sent flowers, games, books, meals to the family. OP said that she sent notes, too.

Quintessetial shadows, what an unkind post. No need for that at al

No quintess, you are entitled to your opinion!

I am sorry, but that is how op comes across to me.

I think you've been too pushy along the way.Why did you keep sending notes to the dying woman when she made it clear she didn't want to be in contact/have visits etc?I actually find that a bit 'me,me,me'....and perhaps that is what got A's back up?That you were 'pushing' the dying woman's boundaries while she was alive,and here you were again doing it at the funeral?

Perhaps the reason A hadn't seen the dying woman for 18 months was because she abided by the womans wish for space?

But how did OP know that that A had not seen the friend who died for 18 months. Surely that would have involved a conversation with A or the friend who died. Neither of which seems to have taken place. When was the last time you spoke to A before your friend died ?