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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have been hurt by a friend and don't know what to do

152 replies

babbsy · 09/06/2012 13:38

Recently a friend died. She was the mother of one of my son's classmates and had been ill with cancer for some time. We used to be good friends , but we moved away from the school for two years and when we returned so had her cancer and she was somewhat reclusive of course. Also our ds were not as close. However I wrote my friend several notes saying how much I was thinking of her and asked about her frequently. She did not want visits.
When she died I wanted to go to her funeral. Once I found out the details of it Imsent a text to three of my friends giving them the details. one of them, let's call her A, sent a text back saying that the funeral was for close friends and family only,sorry, meaning I should not go. I was hurt but texted back that ok, I wouldn't attend?
However, the day before the funeral I phoned the widower and asked if I could attend. He said that I would be really welcome, must come back to the house and he thought that he had invited me already. So I went. The funeral was very well attended, lots of people there including our headmaster, teachers and lots of other people who were certainly not close friends or family.
On the way out I found myself behind A, and said hello to her. She stood with her back to me and said hello. I said hello again, she said she did not want to speak to me, so I said "that's a bit rude" "rude! Rude! You're rude for being here" she said, then she said" just get away from me".
I was really really upset . I did not go back to the house, but a friend of mine did and asked her why she had been so unkind and she said that she had been lost in thought when I spoke to her and she was now sorry. Although I did not believe her explanation i sent A a text saying that she had hurt me and that I had been at the funeral at the invitation of the widower, but I have heard nothing back.
I am so upset about this as I do not know why I in particular should be singled out for her disapproval and not the others who were there. More particularly though, I do not know how I should react when I next see her? Ignore her? Glare? Try to discuss the matter?
Your advice much appreciated. Can't sleep

OP posts:
chunkythighs · 10/06/2012 01:50

speaking as a widow-it is not in any way rude to contact a widow/widower

I had to put that bit in bold, just for the op. My husband died very young and very suddenly. I was so not saddened by the people who contacted me who were thinking of me and my husband.

However I was hurt by the people who were to 'uncomfortable' to speak to me or come to his funeral.

babbsy did nothing more than reach out and speak with the husband, was he supposed to be too busy standing in the corner crying to take a call?

realhousewifeofdevoncounty · 10/06/2012 02:20

Chunky - I din't pretend to be an authority on this , but I know that when my mum lost dgm,she always said that she was so grateful for those who actually spoke to her and expressed their sympathies as opposed to those who stayed away for the fear that they didn't know what to say. It was far more comforting to hear from those who were also mourning than to feel completely alone.

pigletmania · 10/06/2012 06:26

Enormasob are you that woman, as you sound very unkind, I did not get that from the op and nor did the others on here. Look op just cut her dead, you don't need people like that in your life. There are so many other lovely people in the world

pigletmania · 10/06/2012 06:33

Erm diddle the woman was dame rude, a for turning her back against the op, and be her shoddy attitude

MsPaperbackWriter · 10/06/2012 07:08

The woman sounds like an entitled prat, she had NO place
Telling you to not go - and she hadn't even seen the lady who died for
18 months and was acting like she was her best mate?!

But, you were very wrong to not go to the house because of her. You should have gone.

If you see the prat woman again then ignore her. I would definitely be very cool or just give a curt hello if necessary - and be generous with the dirty looks, she deserves them, she's a prat.

tinkerbel72 · 10/06/2012 08:51

I have mixed feelings on this.
The woman sounds horrible, and will be no loss to your life OP so just move on.
On the other hand, as you lost your husband yourself at age 36 OP, I find it strange that you seem most concerned about yourself, and this woman's reactions to you, rather than the grieving husband and family. Really, everthing else pales into insignificance next to the fact that a mother has died after an awful illness. You should have shown support by going back to the house, seeing as the widower definitely wanted you there, rather than letting this drama with another woman dominate your thoughts.

diddl · 10/06/2012 09:00

"a for turning her back against the op,"

She didn´t turn her back-OP spoke to her back!

Then got huffy when she was told that actually, the woman didn´t want to talk to her.

Have you never been to a funeral & just been able to force out "hello" & wish people would leave you alone & stop trying to make conversation?

pigletmania · 10/06/2012 09:01

I do agree that you should have gone back to the house, that is the one thing you did wrong. The woman was your friend and and you were invited by her dh, none of this nasty womans business. Also I guess you should have left it when she turned her back to you, and not made it a big issue, you are there in respect of your friend who has died not this cowbag. I am so bloodymined that if that had happened to me i most defntely would have gone back to the house.

pigletmania · 10/06/2012 09:04

It was rude not to turn round and acknowledge someone. My dad has died and so has close family members but i have never been rude to people, this woman sounds awful, very entitled. Yes she is so much in grief that she did not see her fiend who had died for 18 months, they did not sound close either. Cowbag friend just wanted to dominate proceedings and make it about her

tinkerbel72 · 10/06/2012 09:08

Yes, I agree that it was odd for the OP to force the issue of speaking to the other woman. OP already knew the woman was being odd, and controlling, and had tried to act as a 'gatekeeper' about who could attend the funeral. OP knew that the woman had lied about the funeral being just family only. What on earth was to be gained by trying to start a conversation at the funeral? It smacks of the OP wanting to 'get back' at this woman by asserting herself 'look I'm here after all, you can't tell me what to do'. I could understand the OP being hurt and offended and even contacting this woman AFTER the funeral to say her behaviour had been out of order. But to try to engage someone in conversation AT a funeral when there is clearly a problem and they don't want to speak to you is just not on. And yes I know it was technically on the way out of the church but fgs the coffin had presumably just gone past, the congregation were between funeral service and returning to the house to continue paying respects.... It was still the funeral. The grieving family should have been recognised as the most important people there- not feuding between anyone else

diddl · 10/06/2012 09:14

Tinkerbel

You´ve articulated what was at the back of my mind & I couldn´t quite get what it was.

That the OP was trying to make it known to the other woman that she was there.

I agree that it wasn´t the other woman´s place to tell OP she couldn´t go & that OP should have gone to the house-for her friend & her widower-as that´s who it was about.

shoesaremyfriends · 10/06/2012 09:16

I'm with the people that say that the op shouldn't of said hello again after the woman didn't answer her the first time. It's obvious that she had a problem with the op after the op turned up to the funeral and saw that it wasn't just for close friends and relatives. Should of just walked away, gone back to the house and paid your respects to the friend that had died.

ariadne1 · 10/06/2012 09:17

i can't shake the feeling that you are making this all qbout you. A man haslost his wife and your friend's childreh their mother and you are obsessing over why someone was cool to you

exoticfruits · 10/06/2012 09:18

I agree with tinkerbel. Just let it go-it isn't important.

irishchic · 10/06/2012 09:22

I totally agree with tinkerbell.

Nuttyprofessor · 10/06/2012 09:25

You are grieving and feeling guilt. Your op starts with your defence which lists why you had no time for this women when she was alive.

Your friend may have been there all the way through to support the family and feel you only turned up when it was all over, or you may be imagining it.

When feelings run so high people don't think straight, that could be either of you.

pigletmania · 10/06/2012 09:28

Nutty this woman had not seen the dead friend in 18 months, not that close tbh

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/06/2012 09:34

I'm with Tinkerbel. It does sound that A was making some kind of point but it also sounds like the OP was too.

Why couldn't A have been deep in thought when OP was bugging her? A woman she knew, a friend had just died. Same sort of age (I'm guessing) with children same as A. Similar life in general. It is scary imo when someone dies young and leaves their children behind. You do think "god that could have been me" or "those poor children, losing their mum at a very young age". A could have just wanted to reflect on happier times or something.

A was out of order but please, cut her some slack. Just because she hadn't seen a friend (who shut herself away while she was ill- that wasn't A's fault or anyone else's) doesn't mean she doesn't miss this friend.

tinkerbel72 · 10/06/2012 10:05

That last point is very pertinent. The OP herself said the friend with cancer became reclusive and didn't want visits. It's therefore rather strange to raise the issue of woman A not having seen the woman for 18 months prior to her death. The OP raises this as an implied criticism of woman A. Surely woman A was respecting the woman's wishes (as did OP) about not wanting visits. Hmm

WasabiTillyMinto · 10/06/2012 10:11

everyone i know who has died young has stopped wanting to see anyone but close family as they decline.

Women A is is weird one here, trying to police who should/shouldnt go the funeral.

i thought only famous people had 'only family and close friends'. every funeral i have been to, then family of the deceased seem to take comfort in the number of people who turn up to show thier respects.

springydaffs · 10/06/2012 10:18

woh what a nutcase thread this has been in places Confused

OP, what's with 'I want everyone to like me'? Forget that, it's impossible. You can't make this brat woman like you, you can't make anybody like you. Like yourself and be done.

Just a little point here: you knew the brat woman had pushed you over the edge and imo it was probably very sensible to not go to the wake, as feelings were high and you may have had another scuffle with her, which would have been inappropriate.

ime funerals bring up past bereavements (which never really go away, do they?) - yours is probably still close to the surface. As you have been through a significant bereavement you very probably know the score re calling the husband. You have been a bereaved spouse and know what to do, are not afraid to reach out directly to speak to another bereaved spouse. You know that to skulk around in the background and not speak to the bereaved (which a lot of people do because they are too frightened to speak) is one of the most isolating things about bereavement. You did nothing wrong; you did a lot right.

A is a brat, I think that's established. When you see her, 'greet' her perfunctorily and then as far as you're concerned, she pretty much doesn't exist. All the best to her, but don't be a fool and step in again when she has punched you in the face (metaphorically).

pigletmania · 10/06/2012 10:26

Yes friend a was rude not turning round, and telling op she did not want to speak to her whilst presumably having her back to her, because op probably scarpered her p,ans as gatekeeper for the friends funeral. Op should probably not have confronted funeralzilla and just ignored and concentrate on paying her respects to her friend, after all that is why she was there

ariadne1 · 10/06/2012 11:34

'You know that to skulk around in the background and not speak to the bereaved (which a lot of people do because they are too frightened to speak) is one of the most isolating things about bereavement'

.. but everyone's different when my next door neighbour was widowed very unexpectedly at teh age of 43, she couldn't face speaking to anyone and just wanted to shut herself away with her teenage DDs

springydaffs · 10/06/2012 12:44

yes but you give it a go and let the bereaved take the lead. Later on, when the shock has subsided (give that a fair few years then) she will very probably look back at the efforts people made and be heartened at people's kindness. She will also remember with great clarity those who didn't bother, who crossed the street (literally! that's what people do ffs!); who were, basically, not there for her. She will remember that.

LineRunner · 10/06/2012 13:21

I have learnt that funeral gatekeeping isn't just something that my crackpot family does.

That's quite useful to know.