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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been hurt by a friend and don't know what to do

152 replies

babbsy · 09/06/2012 13:38

Recently a friend died. She was the mother of one of my son's classmates and had been ill with cancer for some time. We used to be good friends , but we moved away from the school for two years and when we returned so had her cancer and she was somewhat reclusive of course. Also our ds were not as close. However I wrote my friend several notes saying how much I was thinking of her and asked about her frequently. She did not want visits.
When she died I wanted to go to her funeral. Once I found out the details of it Imsent a text to three of my friends giving them the details. one of them, let's call her A, sent a text back saying that the funeral was for close friends and family only,sorry, meaning I should not go. I was hurt but texted back that ok, I wouldn't attend?
However, the day before the funeral I phoned the widower and asked if I could attend. He said that I would be really welcome, must come back to the house and he thought that he had invited me already. So I went. The funeral was very well attended, lots of people there including our headmaster, teachers and lots of other people who were certainly not close friends or family.
On the way out I found myself behind A, and said hello to her. She stood with her back to me and said hello. I said hello again, she said she did not want to speak to me, so I said "that's a bit rude" "rude! Rude! You're rude for being here" she said, then she said" just get away from me".
I was really really upset . I did not go back to the house, but a friend of mine did and asked her why she had been so unkind and she said that she had been lost in thought when I spoke to her and she was now sorry. Although I did not believe her explanation i sent A a text saying that she had hurt me and that I had been at the funeral at the invitation of the widower, but I have heard nothing back.
I am so upset about this as I do not know why I in particular should be singled out for her disapproval and not the others who were there. More particularly though, I do not know how I should react when I next see her? Ignore her? Glare? Try to discuss the matter?
Your advice much appreciated. Can't sleep

OP posts:

mellowcat · 09/06/2012 14:20

I would just smile, wave and move on the next time you see her. Better than chasing after a past friendship or recreating the upset felt by both of you at the funeral.

Cabrinha · 09/06/2012 14:21

I think it's a bit odd that you were texted people (unsolicited) about funeral arrangements. I'm sorry you have lost a friend, but tbh I'd cut A some slack, if this is out of character. She just lost a much closer friend. Perhaps you'd irritated her with those texts?
Honestly, if this is her only odd behaviour, I would just let it drop - and act normally when you see her. Maybe even ask how SHE is. Leave off the childish glaring idea, FFS!

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2012 14:22

i think when you next see her you should remain distant yet polite, smile, do not push anything.

yes it will be awkward, but you may find over time it becomes less so. She may need to say her piece to you, as she obviously does have something to say, it really depends on whether you want to just get that out of the way or whether you want to keep your distance and hope things calm down with time.
your friends death has obviously affected your friend A deeply. A little sensitivity may be called for.

i dont think she sounds like a bitch at all, or like she has done anything terribly wrong. She clearly has something to say to you, only you can decide if you really want to hear it or it you want to distance yourself.

Original poster

babbsy · 09/06/2012 14:23

Well I sent a text because the information about the funeral was sent to me via a text and I simply forwarded it on to some friends who had asked me to let them know when the funeral was. I sent it to A by text because I knew she would want to know .It was announced in any other way, for example in the newspaper. I did not think it was unacceptable, or I would not have done it.
Why did I say hello again? Because she said it with her back to me and I wanted to have a civil conversation with her there was no bad feeling between us.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 09/06/2012 14:23

I don't think you sound selfish at all, I think that rude 'friend' of yours sounds completely vile and should be ignored. She doesn't get to monopolise a funeral FFS!

Texting was probably ill advised, but it was nothing compared to how horribly you have been treated.

ForFoxsGlacierMints · 09/06/2012 14:25

Em, don't know if this is relevant or not but I always find it a bit wrong when people are gabbing away in a church at a funeral, I feel it should be quiet and a time for reflection. I really dislike it when people try to start a conversation with me and so I'm probably a wee bit curt with my response to nip it in the bud before it begins iyswim?

Maybe A feels like this also?

knowsitall · 09/06/2012 14:25

did you behave pushy when you texted all your friends the funeral info (bearing in mind that you are not close to the bereaved and they may have been and thats what put their backs up)

you seem a bit pushy in telephoning the husband

were you pushy at the funeral, trying to natter to people when they were trying to reflect in their own thoughts?

maybe food for thought?

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2012 14:27

i think your friend A is simply annoyed with you on your friend who dieds behalf.

you say she did not want visits, you say you were not close any more.
yet you sent texts telling friends who were there, who were close, about her funeral arrangements!

perhaps your friend A thought you had a bit of a cheek and no right to do that since you did not even go to see her.?

how do you feel about turning up at the funeral of a friend whom you no longer saw?

Original poster

babbsy · 09/06/2012 14:27

Sorry, meant it was not announced in the newspaper.
Should also say that A had not seen our friend for 18 months before she died,
But she is much younger than I and I agree that I should cut her some slack.
I very much like the idea of staying calm, and the glaring was a joke!
But dear people, you are shining a light on me and I can see I am being a bit needy here, I want to be popular with everyone.
So I will move on, chastened , with great thanks to you all.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 09/06/2012 14:28

FGS, people, read the bloody OP! She said she spoke to A on the way out, not during the service!

ThatVikRinA22 · 09/06/2012 14:30

if friend A had not seen your departed friend in 18 months then i cannot see her point tbh.

i would put it down to grieving and give it no more thought. whats done is done.

ENormaSnob · 09/06/2012 14:33

You weren't a close friend, more an acquaintence, yet was texting people about funeral arrangements and ringing the woman's husband the night before?

You think this is acceptable?

TidyDancer · 09/06/2012 14:35

ENorma, you've been quite harsh to the OP, she did try with her friend.

Do you think it's acceptable she was treated the way she was by someone who also wasn't a close friend?

weatherrain · 09/06/2012 14:36

She seems a bit odd. Why do you need her permission to go for the funeral anyway? What does it even matter what she thinks? The widower thinks you should be there so that's all that matters. Just give the wierdo "friend" a wide berth.

diddl · 09/06/2012 14:38

I think that "A" was probably pissed off at your insistence on being spoken to by her & then calling her rude tbh.

Also, if I read it right, you told her that you wouldn´t be going-an then insist on being noticed by her.

All very confusing & I can see why she snapped at you tbh.

I´d just give a polite "hello" if/when you see her.

LineRunner · 09/06/2012 14:39

OP, do you actually know that she (A) hadn't seen the friend who died for 18 months? I'd assumed that A had seen her fairly recently, or spoken to her. Otherwise none of it really makes much sense.

Original poster

babbsy · 09/06/2012 14:41

ENormaSnob. You are clearly a wise lady with high moral standards . I did not feel,forwarding a text was wrong but will think twice about this in the future. The reason I called the husband the morning before was to check it was appropriate for me to be there, and he was happy to hear from me and for me to be there. My husband died when I was 36 and so I have experienced this situation first hand and I was trying to do the right thing. Many of the other people at the funeral came without asking, just because they wanted to, and had the same level of friendship as I did

OP posts:

RoxyRobin · 09/06/2012 14:41

I am sure you have been thinking about the bereaved family, but this sort of incident would upset all but the thickest-skinned.

I've seen and heard of some very odd behaviour where funerals are concerned, often from those who think they know best how it should all be done. Even if people are right in guessing that she might feel you'd neglected your friend she should have kept any feelings of animosity to herself. Her manner was inappropriate.

I shouldn't bother contacting her again - you've left the ball in her court. If you happen to meet her I should be polite but a little aloof until you can judge how the land lies. You may find you no longer want her as a friend but if you encounter her on a regular basis you need to have a civil relationship, even if it is insincere.

Don't be so anxious about what you should do - it will sort itself out in time, best do as little as possible.

WorraLiberty · 09/06/2012 14:41

She doesn't sound very nice OP

'Competitive' grieving springs to mind

It was none of her business whether you went to the funeral or not and I don't know who made her the boss.

helenthemadex · 09/06/2012 14:42

could it be that this person was just grieving and felt you were intruding? If she has been a close friend for a while, and supported her during her fight with cancer maybe she was very deeply affected by watching her friend die and is traumatised

Personally I would cut her some slack, Im not disagreeing that she was rude and this hurt you, but at times like this you make allowances for someones grief

Original poster

babbsy · 09/06/2012 14:43

Roxyrobin, thank you

OP posts:

JoanOfNark · 09/06/2012 14:44

You called the husband, he asked you to go the house and you didn;t because some random said something mean to you.

Thats how teenagers behave, not sensible grown women.

Sarcalogos · 09/06/2012 14:44

I'm not sure why people are being nasty to you OP, I don't think there is anything wrong in the way you behaved (although if you wanted to be saintly you could have avoided saying the second 'hello' to your friend and let her snub you).

In future I would just move on without the friend. Remain polite but distant. When/if she does say her piece to you don't rise to the bait.

I think it is probable that your friend was upset re. The texts you sent, if so this isnt really your fault as you didn't send it with any malice. In all probability you are both feeling over sensitive with grief, and your friend has dealt with this by being rude to you.

knowsitall · 09/06/2012 14:46

read the bloody OP! She said she spoke to A on the way out, not during the service!

some people sit and reflect in their thoughts after a service fgs!

Original poster

babbsy · 09/06/2012 14:49

Yes,,second hello was wrong.

OP posts:

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