I have been hurt by a friend and don't know what to do

[babbsy]

Recently a friend died. She was the mother of one of my son's classmates and had been ill with cancer for some time. We used to be good friends , but we moved away from the school for two years and when we returned so had her cancer and she was somewhat reclusive of course. Also our ds were not as close. However I wrote my friend several notes saying how much I was thinking of her and asked about her frequently. She did not want visits.
When she died I wanted to go to her funeral. Once I found out the details of it Imsent a text to three of my friends giving them the details. one of them, let's call her A, sent a text back saying that the funeral was for close friends and family only,sorry, meaning I should not go. I was hurt but texted back that ok, I wouldn't attend?
However, the day before the funeral I phoned the widower and asked if I could attend. He said that I would be really welcome, must come back to the house and he thought that he had invited me already. So I went. The funeral was very well attended, lots of people there including our headmaster, teachers and lots of other people who were certainly not close friends or family.
On the way out I found myself behind A, and said hello to her. She stood with her back to me and said hello. I said hello again, she said she did not want to speak to me, so I said "that's a bit rude" "rude! Rude! You're rude for being here" she said, then she said" just get away from me".
I was really really upset . I did not go back to the house, but a friend of mine did and asked her why she had been so unkind and she said that she had been lost in thought when I spoke to her and she was now sorry. Although I did not believe her explanation i sent A a text saying that she had hurt me and that I had been at the funeral at the invitation of the widower, but I have heard nothing back.
I am so upset about this as I do not know why I in particular should be singled out for her disapproval and not the others who were there. More particularly though, I do not know how I should react when I next see her? Ignore her? Glare? Try to discuss the matter?
Your advice much appreciated. Can't sleep

I don't think the OP was pestering the friend that died with her notes and if she had been surely the husband wouldn't have been so nice to her. More likely as some one else said (and has been my experience) some people withdraw from everyone when they are dying but it doesn't mean they don't draw comfort from people writing to them just that they find it too hard to respond.

I do however think that both the OP and A were wrong in the way they acted and that the OP should've gone back to thr house.

Agree with AuntieMaggie

Grief is a funny old thing (as in, its not funny at all) in that people become absorbed with their own reality of the memory of the person gone. Their is no ownership in grief, though its one thing that people do, they own it. It owns them. OP regardless of who's right and wrong here, you may never unpick that if A is unwilling, I would say that to move on, be able to sleep and grieve, you need to accept that regardless of what was said to you by A, you had the widowers blessing to be there, and that A may (unfairly) have projected her grief onto you, because she was owning it.

Focus on your friend's memory, and her husband's blessing. Do not focus on the negative.

Someone I know recently died, their saviour set up a FB page, it was beautiful, she posted some wonderful things but inevitably posted something that made it appear she was taken ownership and wallowing in her own personal pain (in my opinion she did nothing wrong but openly grieve) suddenly public messages appeared requesting that people didn't do that (from other close friends and family) because 'he wouldn't have wanted that'. A lot of hurt was caused, because although 'she' may have been guilty as charged, 'they' got involved in ownership issues and 'speaking for the departed' - always dangerous ground. They were both probably guilty of something, both probably wrong in some way, but when it comes to grief, forgiveness is important, so forgive A and try and move on. What is also important is not to lose the person amongst the intense pain. Focus on her memory. x