Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have been hurt by a friend and don't know what to do

152 replies

babbsy · 09/06/2012 13:38

Recently a friend died. She was the mother of one of my son's classmates and had been ill with cancer for some time. We used to be good friends , but we moved away from the school for two years and when we returned so had her cancer and she was somewhat reclusive of course. Also our ds were not as close. However I wrote my friend several notes saying how much I was thinking of her and asked about her frequently. She did not want visits.
When she died I wanted to go to her funeral. Once I found out the details of it Imsent a text to three of my friends giving them the details. one of them, let's call her A, sent a text back saying that the funeral was for close friends and family only,sorry, meaning I should not go. I was hurt but texted back that ok, I wouldn't attend?
However, the day before the funeral I phoned the widower and asked if I could attend. He said that I would be really welcome, must come back to the house and he thought that he had invited me already. So I went. The funeral was very well attended, lots of people there including our headmaster, teachers and lots of other people who were certainly not close friends or family.
On the way out I found myself behind A, and said hello to her. She stood with her back to me and said hello. I said hello again, she said she did not want to speak to me, so I said "that's a bit rude" "rude! Rude! You're rude for being here" she said, then she said" just get away from me".
I was really really upset . I did not go back to the house, but a friend of mine did and asked her why she had been so unkind and she said that she had been lost in thought when I spoke to her and she was now sorry. Although I did not believe her explanation i sent A a text saying that she had hurt me and that I had been at the funeral at the invitation of the widower, but I have heard nothing back.
I am so upset about this as I do not know why I in particular should be singled out for her disapproval and not the others who were there. More particularly though, I do not know how I should react when I next see her? Ignore her? Glare? Try to discuss the matter?
Your advice much appreciated. Can't sleep

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/06/2012 15:11

I'm actually slightly horrified about your treatment on this thread, OP - people seem to forget that you have just lost a friend as well.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/06/2012 15:11

I must also admit I am guilty of projecting, and maybe some of my bitterness is shining through.

We moved away for three years, and came back to the same school again. From being a normal and well liked person before going, we have returned and find we are outcasts. People avoid me at the school gates, and mums I used to talk to before stare pointedly ahead and dont even look at me if we meet.

It is like a parallel universe where our family are zombies and invisible. We dont even co exist! (so much for Church school with high moral values and Christian ethos)

I can only assume it is similar for you. You left, you are an outcast, and there is no room for you in the circle of friends you thought you were coming back to, through absolutely no fault of your own.

babbsy · 09/06/2012 15:13

Quintess, I will think about what you have said, as well as all the other posters. I think you were a bit hard on me, but there are two sides to all situations and it is valid to have the other sides of a situation pointed out to me, indeed it is helpful.
Anyway,you have all helped me to view the incident in the round, and it doesn't feel as painful now because I can see that my behaviour was not completely blameless. So that's good, isn't it? I can sleep tonight, be able to face her with equanimity and now I'm going to get some fresh air. Thank you all

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/06/2012 15:15

I am sorry for sounding harsh. Sad

babbsy · 09/06/2012 15:17

Omg quintess, just seen your post. That's just awful. The playground can be such a nasty place. I did keep in touch with my friends whilst I was away but not these two, mainly cos our sons were not so close.
I really feel for you

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 09/06/2012 15:18

Quints that is awful. Horrible bastards.
Why are people so mean?

JoanOfNark · 09/06/2012 15:19

"I'm actually slightly horrified about your treatment on this thread, OP - people seem to forget that you have just lost a friend as well."

Really? Seems to me its OP that is forgetting about her friends death, if I was grieving for a friend I wouldn't be posting petty crap about someone being a bit rude at the funeral. Seems that OP is far more concerned about herself than anyone else.

Thumbwitch · 09/06/2012 15:22

Really Joan? You don't think that having just lost one friend to cancer, it might have upset her to apparently lose another one over the funeral?

ebbandflow · 09/06/2012 15:23

babbsy have a nice walk, and get this thread deleted as you don't need to be made to feel any worse.

Sarcalogos · 09/06/2012 15:24

I agree, OP hide this at the very least. I have no idea why people are being so horrible to you.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 09/06/2012 15:35

I agree, OP hide this at the very least. I have no idea why people are being so horrible to you.

Because some posters can't bear an OP who takes criticism on board, they like to needle and needle until OP blows up :(
OP I am very sorry for the loss of your parents and your husband, fwiw I think you sound lovely.

IvanaNap · 09/06/2012 15:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2012 15:39

Quints just to say, I have had exactly the same experience, moved away for just over 3 years and came back to the same school (another church one with high moral values blah blah) I might as well have been a total stranger, it has been such an unpleasant experience.
Reading your post made me feel slightly better that it wasn't just me. I hope my post makes you feel a bit better too.
OP I am sorry for your loss, and think you have been given a bit of a hard time here.

TandB · 09/06/2012 15:43

She was rude and overbearing, but with the benefit of hindsight I think you could have handled things better, OP. I suspect she thought you were trying to be over-involved following your text to her of the funeral details and that set the tone for her whole attitude towards you. I really don't think you should have pushed the conversation with her, and certainly not commented on her rudeness in that setting - it was about the bereaved family and you ran a real risk of distracting from that, but I can see how it happened.

You just need to let it go. No need to glare at her. No need to do anything. It happened in the context of something much, much worse - the funeral of a no doubt much-missed wife and mother - I think you need ot put it behind you. Any continuation or escalation will make you look very bad.

Funerals often trigger some very odd behaviour. "Competitive grieving" is definitely a good way to put it. A friend of mine from uni moved to my home town, joined the same sports club as me and finished up house-sharing with an ex with whom I was still good friends. A couple of years later he died very suddenly and unexpectedly of an undiagnosed illness. By this time I had moved away but was still in touch with people back home as my family still lived there. My ex, who was helping with a lot of the organisation, called me to let me know, and, at the request of our friend's parents, asked me to pass on the news and the funeral details to some other people from uni I was still in touch with - it is a fairly small sporting community with all sorts of overlapping social circles.

I went home that weekend and found a whole group of people barely speaking to each other as two other friends who were usually lovely, had appointed themselves "mourners in chief" and were effectively trying to take on the role of monitoring access to the funeral. My ex was incredibly upset and admitted afterwards that he found them completely smothering, but it was easier just to let them get on with it. They were intercepting people and telling them that my ex was too upset to discuss funeral details, and that the funeral was for family and close friends only. When I spoke to them I got the same spiel and I didn't bother telling them that I was going with another group of people in any event.

In the end they and my ex were the only people from my home town to go to the funeral which was a couple of hundred miles away. I travelled separately with a group of old uni friends. When we got there, the two friends reacted incredibly badly - there was lots of glaring and muttering, and eventually one of them came over to me and said in a hushed voice that she thought it was going to be a bit awkward with me being there as it was close family and friends only. Before I could say anything, one of the deceased's best friends and coffin bearers came over and thanked me for doing all the ringing around as the parents were keen for as many people as possible to be able to attend. The two overbearing friends seemed genuinely put out and were quite unpleasant for the rest of the funeral and reception and weren't ever particularly nice to me again.

All that I appeared to have done wrong was to be part of a different social group who were given the correct information about the funeral, thereby bypassing their self-appointed "gatekeeper" role. They weren't particularly good friends of the friend who died - they just seemed to want to cast themselves in a central role. I could have said something to them - I didn't. I just didn't bother with them again.

Emotions run high at times like this - best just to accept that your former friend isn't quite the person you thought she was and avoid making this any worse than it needs to be.

diddl · 09/06/2012 15:44

Both the OP & "A" have lost the same friend.

i do get why OP was hurt-but don´t really understand why she hasn´t just written it off to emotions/the circumstances.

"A" has given an explanation to a 3rd party which OP has decided is a lie.

Thumbwitch · 09/06/2012 15:52

Very interesting and very sad Kungfu - maybe that's what happened in the OP's situation as well? Sounds possible.

lou2321 · 09/06/2012 15:54

TBH I don't see how any of your behaviour was out of order and I am surprised at some of the harsh responses.

In adult life there are many people who are still your friends but you do not see as often due to various circumstances such as distance but they are still your friends and you have every right to be at the funeral as long as it hasn't been specified by the husband that it is just family and the fact he asked you to go to the house after suggests this wasn't the situation.

I had to arrange MILs funeral recently and due to our own personal circumstances we had many other things to do at this time alongside making the arrangements so we did text to let people know what was going on (of course we called to let them know when she had passed away).

I couldn't give a shit what other people thought about what we did with regards to texts or anything else for that matter, in fact there are always plenty of people who think their grief is more important than even the children of the person who has died and they are just selfish and full of their own self importance. We had plenty of that attitude too!

I have never been to a funeral where people don't talk to each other after the service and anyone that behaves like A sounds like a drama queen IMO!!

diddl · 09/06/2012 16:01

What I do think is sad is that when OP was told just "close friends & family"-she didn´t think to say to "A"-well that is actually me.

Or to make that decision herself.

Afterall, unless there had been some terrible fallout, the widower was hardly likely to tell her that she couldn´t go, was he?

TandB · 09/06/2012 16:03

Thumbwitch - it just all seemed as though everyone wanted it to be about them. I had a minor fall-out with another friend who effectively sulked and said she wasn't going because of the other two friends' behaviour, even after I told her what they were saying was rubbish. She said "oh well, if they are going to be like that about it, not many people are going to go."

I got a bit self-righteous and said something along the lines of "well I'm going because I know it's about X and his family, not about us" and she didn't speak to me for quite a while, although she did later apologise.

In my defence, I was very young at the time and it was my first experience of losing a contemporary.

WasabiTillyMinto · 09/06/2012 16:04

OP it does sound v much like Kungfus experience. death & funerals do make some people act v oddly. when my DF died, my SIL gave the impression to the funeral director she was the deceased daughter & did not bother to correct him when it became obvious thats what he thought.

some people need to feel like the centre of attention however bonkers the whole thing becomes.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 09/06/2012 16:06

Funerals bring out the worst in people.

StepOutOfSpring · 09/06/2012 16:07

kungfupannda it's unbelievable isn't it, that when people are shown up for their own nastiness they start ignoring others instead of apologising Confused I'm learning to recognise people like that as a "type" and not trusting them.

mynewpassion · 09/06/2012 16:15

Regardless, I just think it was rude of the OP and A to have caused a scene at a funeral of their friend.

If they thought less about themselves and more about their deceased friend and her family, they wouldn't have embarrassed themselves and would have nothing to be sorry about.

LineRunner · 09/06/2012 16:23

A close friend of mine was killed in a RTA when he was 20. I've never seen such awful behaviour at a funeral.

A girl he'd been seeing for a few weeks dressed up in full widow's weeds and kept making sure we all knew she would be 'up the front row with the family'; his mother, who walked out when he was a kid, turned up pissed, in a short electric blue dress, and proceeded to 'flirt' [I'm not sure how else to put it, she was sitting on his knee, laughing] with her own younger son; and the poor nan who'd brought him up was ignored by the remnants of her family.

I had travelled a long way for the funeral and one of his friends asked me, seriously, how I 'just happened to be there.'

In the end a few of us went to a nearby pub and told nice stories about him, and had a few drinks.

MrsJoeDuffy · 09/06/2012 17:02

Posts about funerals appear to bring out the worst in people!

OP - you sound lovely. Try not to worry about it. People are weird at funerals. My aunt tried to stop my mother attending my grandmother's funerals because she felt my mother had not been around 'enough' during the preceding illness. This from a woman who had not seen my nan for 5 years before she died. There was nearly a row on the steps of the church.