to be annoyed with in laws when they are nice

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What are your stories about your in laws? Mine are lovely but since my baby was born 10 months ago they are always doing things that annoy me (though are much better now). If I hear what others have done it will help me put mine in perspective.
Here are a fewof the annoying things:
Turning up at the hospital when I was in labour. Why?
Turning up again after I had given birth. I had a very traumatic labour followed by an op and the hospital let them in when I was in recovery. I took my baby off from her first feed so they could hold her and it meant my fil was there for the first breastfeed.
Since she was born, smothering my baby with excessive love, like she is their baby.
Constantly saying "she can't be hungry? when she was or is.
MIL walking off with my baby when she is crying and obviously wants feeding (I am breastfeeding).
MIL Shortening my babys name even though have expressed my desire not to. FIL calling MIL my babys Mum.
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIl passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.
Watching me breastfeed.
Commenting that she fed a lot.
When they arrive 30 mins early, commenting that am in the shower, good afternoon, even though I have been up for hours, since 5am feeding etc.
Like said, they are decent people and I am very lucky. My MIL is going to look after my baby 2 days a week when I go back to work, which is great though it would be slightly better if I knew she wouldn't try and pretend to be my baby`s mum. My own Mum is not alive so I am not sure how I would feel towards her.

I guess it's a case of picking your battles and sticking out for things that you are really serious about and letting the rest flow over you.

Hope they appreciate what a lovely dil they have.

Personally I had the best in laws ever I reakon so good on you.

OP I had this too....from both my own Parents and my MIL, and the babies aunts and uncles from both sides. I had 15, yes that's right 15, effing visitors on the night she was born, all at once,including two nephews. And this isc the way it was for me for the first few weeks, and my house was constantly heaving with people.8 months later, having survived severe anxiety, PND and thoughts of suicide, I am so angry and hurt at my family and his. You live and learn though and if I ever have another DC it won't be that way, never again.

I'm sorry but your ils sound like major PIA's and you need to put your foot down but sensitively of course, like my family they are probably just very much in love with your DD but its not normal, I honestly think some of the.lovely grandmas on here you are advising you this is normal have forgotten what its like to be first time young mums, which is fair enough...it may have been a veeeeery long time ago :o

Make a bit of distance, set your boundaries now while you still can.

OP - The very first thing that jumped to mind when I read you posting was that your PILs don't understand breastfeeding.

Until I breastfed DD1, I had NO idea that the feeding schedule for a breastfed baby was so different than for a bottle fed baby. That information was NOT shared during all the encouraging talks on breast feeding during my ante natal classes!

All my sisters and SILs bottle fed their babies (as did my Mom & MIL). Any of them only made one or two remarks in passing, but they did leave me with the feeling that they thought I was mad 'to bring all that upon myself'. But I have to say my mom and MIL were very supportive, since it what I wanted to do.

Could you get a book on breastfeeding and give it to them? So they can understand all the positives that come from breastfeeding, and also some of the downsides (frequency of feeding, mastitis..)? Maybe tell them that it explains why baby needs to feed so regularly, since they were concerned about that, but also why it is so worth it?

Have you decided on names that the grandparents will be called? Perhaps you can start calling you MIL nanny/granny or whatever once they start on with calling MIL Mum?

I wouldn't worry with the GPs smothering her with so much love.

My MIL loves her (many!) grandchildren very much. They in return love her back fiercely. And yes, she spoils them, too much sugar, toys, presents back from holidays, etc. But such love is a great gift for the grandchildren. It is great for their self-esteem and confidence. It is great to know that Nanny only sees the good in you, and thinks you are an important and interesting person. Whatever happens.

No relative would phone me to casually ask how my child had slept more than once.

Ah - ReportMeNow raises a very good point.

"Your ILs, I suspect, will also want to do a lot of 'firsts' with your dd, if they are childminding her. Just a heads up."

Yes. They will. Even my lovely IL and parents do this. And they'll report EVERYTHING to you as if they're the first to see it, even if you see it every day! I find it really sad they'd want to take that away from me, even though I know that is not their intention at all. I feel really over-sensitive about it and silly and frustrated with myself. I think you need to be really prepared for that and please get your dh and close friends to keep an eye on you for PND, just in case.

At 6.30am I should have added.
I think some of you need to get stroppy more often.
I think firsts are irrelevent and are a strange baby obsession. My teenagers are now doing all sorts of firsts that are interesting and more specific to them rather than the baby firsts that all babies do words, walking etc.
I think if you are going to work and have other folk looking after your kids you have to accept they will do some things for the first time with other people but IT DOESN'T MATTER. They do things for the first time all the time when they start school. Life is one long series of first experiences with children.
Accept your inlaws will experience some firsts and will mention it. If they start crowing I would tell them it sounds as though they are gloating and is their intention to try and make me stop work so they don't have to look after their grandchild?

Oh rebecca - seriously - the joy of firsts is true joy no matter that better firsts might come later. Some of us have that strange baby obsession and love it!

Interesting thread. I have had similar experience to you OP and it has definitely led to me being more wary of my PIL. However I have also set boundaries and been assertive with them which has helped me feel I've remained in control. I find my MIL a very needy and over emotional person however, I just know she adores my DS and I am pleased about that especially as I had no GP myself

MIL has offered to look after DS one day a week when I go back to work which I'm a bit nervous about. I have however tried to maintain two very clear messages to MIL 1) I very much want her to be a part of her GC life and to build her own unique relationship with him and 2) If I want her advice on anything as a grown adult I will ask for it.

So far this has helped to make her back off a little and maintain some boundaries even if I have to keep enforcing the same points over and over

My own DM has no interest in her GC really and although annoying, I much prefer that MIL does show an interest.

Just because it's a little bit better than someone else's experience with frankly barmy ILs doesn't mean it's normal or that you should have had to put up with it.

The money you spend on a proper professional childminder may yet look like a bargain to you. I hope not, but I fear the worst here. You felt so strongly about what they had been like since your DD was born that you posted about it here after all.

Throw your anxiety at leaving her and going back to work into the mix, along with her phenomenal growth and rate of development as time goes on, and potentially very different attitudes to behaviour, eating, etc., and you may well find yourself in a real power struggle here that won't feel one bit nice no matter how nice they are.

My tip is to nip it in the bud now. I have a 2 year old and have got a total breakdown in communication with my partner over his family and his mother who is lovely but just OTT. He will not challenge them, so from my experience you need to challenge them yourself and get more assertive. You need to take control of the situation. This is your life.

I would breastfeed in a different room, or ask them to sit in a different room when you are doing it.

And turning up at the hospital when you were in labour is just wrong. WTF did your partner think of that?!

Re: the childcare. Just think that if they are looking after your baby then that's their access day, so you don't need to deal with them on the other ones! AND MAKE THAT CLEAR TO THEM!

Also, get them to do the childcare at their house if you can. That way you can control the drop off/collection (ie spend as little time there as poss). When you go to collect just run through the day - what did she eat, when did she sleep, what have you done today? (5 mins max, just like it would be at a nursery). Great thanks, must get home now". Or if they are doing it at your house - cut it short, don't get into the habit of them staying for dinner or a cup of tea "I am exhausted and really need my own space when I get home from work. Don't mean to be rude, but I'd appreciate if you'd just let me have time with my child as I havent' seen her all day. Thanks v much."

Good luck!

So much less hassle to just cut your losses and pay someone who will feel they are accountable to you...

They have overstepped the Mark and yanbu. I have had a touch of this from my pil and it drives me mad sometimes.

Hi, I face problem with my inlaw, I have twins 2 yrs old. Here in India we have various languages. Local language also vary from ever state, now what they want is their type language to be spoken by kids. They don't like my language which is similar fees words differ,.. I had a argument with dis too.. My husband is in abroad and I have full support of him. Please help me how to face dis situtation.

Having flicked through this thread, op you sound very reasonable. They have overstepped boundaries, but I have every faith that you will calmly and kindly enforce the boundaries.

Iamnotamused . You have derailed someone's thread with your ranting and accused well established and respected mn (with some spot on observations) bullies. The only bully is you.

This thread is 2 years old.

Hi op you asked for people's stories about their in laws to help you gain perspective. I had a similar situation to you when I had my dts about 7 years ago. I didn't have much of a clue about babies and 2 was a lot to deal with first time round. In laws were very kind and offered to stay with us for quite a few weeks and following that we're constant visitors to give us a hand. The dts were their first gc. It was a nightmare and sadly has soured my relationship with them ever since (although it is all still civil it could be better). They also made comments about breastfeeding, how the dts weren't getting enough, tried to give them a bottle when I wasn't in the room (luckily I caught them). My mil would snatch them as soon as they cried and wander off with them, on one occasion running as I ran after her (not kidding). It carried on as the dts became toddlers, they bought presents for them constantly, always trying to outdo us and buy everything first (think first bike, first scooter at 12 mos). One time my mil took my daughter with excema to a dr whilst I was at work (no emergency just scratching). No phone call beforehand to ask my permission. I regret to say I said nothing to them directly just moaned at my DH who did nothing.
I eventually grew a backbone just before Ds was born (2years ago) and heavily restricted visiting time, never asked their advice and generally kept them at arms length. They get equal visitation as my mum but it is restricted to about 4 or 5 week long visits a year and 2 holidays (still a lot I know but not as bad as was). This caused a huge ruck about a year ago (with them laying all the blame on me) and my DH stood up to them for the first time, I was very proud of him and they have been models of restraint ever since. On the other hand they have been helpful kind GPs who love their GC and their son. They have done lots of childcare when we have been stuck. In hindsight I should have stood up for myself shortly after the dts were born and never relied upon them for childcare. I think maybe if I had we wouldn't be in the strained situation we are in today which makes me sad as they are essentially good people they just acted a little selfishly, I think for my MIL being a mum was the best thing in the world and she really wanted to do it again with my dc. Best of luck, but be assertive.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT - the OP is from more than two years ago.

upsetmom123 - you would do better starting a new thread of your own to ask advice. If you just add a post to an old thread, most people will just read the original post and not notice yours.

It's difficult isn't it. Yes, this does sound like 'normal' GP behaviour in the large part. But then again 'normal' GP behaviour to me is slightly obsessive and outside of the boundaries that one might expect of otherwise very nice people. Becoming a GP I think can provoke overwhelming feelings that can make GPs act a bit odd - certainly my other-wise fab inlaws and parents all went a bit doolally frankly at the birth of my DS who was grandchild no. 1. Both sets turned up at the hospital within hours of the birth, when I was still utterly shell shocked and could barely move. Everyone had a strong opinion on breast feeding. The christening was a sight to behold as their was clear competition on who held him DS in the photos. All incredibly strange. But second time round I knew what was coming and put in place some very strict boundaries. Nobody was allowed to visit for a week after the birth for example, I assumed that they would be acting obsessive and that once I knew what was coming so I put in place the boundaries I needed to feel comfortable. All GPs were a bit aggrieved at the new 'rules', but I explained that I had felt very overwhelmed last time and needed more space this time and they were all respectful. Try being open like this, just say how your feeling - rather than criticising specific aspects of their behaviour - and ask for some space. Everyone knows that new mothers can feel wobbly. I hope it goes well.

I always want to ask on these kind of threads 'if this was your own mum, would it piss you off?'
I think a lot of daughter in laws get annoyed about things their MIL do just because it's the MIL and most of the things are entirely reasonable for a family member to do that loves their grand child and probably cares a great deal for you too.
People then always say 'but my mum wouldn't do this' yea probably is it's your mum and you'd tell her or ask her to do or not to do x or y.
I dunno why people find this such a difficult thing with MIL.

So on balance, not read the whole thread so dunno if there's any drip feeds but based on your OP I think you are being a bit unreasonable and need to chill out.

Oh OP I completely get what you're saying. My IL's are also lovely but do sometimes overstep the mark. It's hard.

For a while it felt like they had an objection to everything I did. It's getting easier now but maybe just because I'm better at ignoring them!

One thing that really helped was having a chat with my DP and explaining that while I understood how much his parents love our DD their constant input was upsetting for me and his backup would really make my life easier. DP started to pay more attention to some of the stuff they were saying and pulling them up on it. It really helped. Good luck!

I'm sure it's difficult but after I had DTs all the elders in my family were overwhelmed and didn't have a clue about how to help and I didn't have a clue about how to get them to help. Other family members backed away completely, such as DB. So I'm slightly oddly jealous. But I think you WILL learn how to be more assertive without being rude or rejecting and there are lots of ideas on here about how to do this. But the nice thing about your post OP is how you do appreciate that they're nice people really. Hold on to that compassion, it will stand you in good stead, while you work on becoming more assertive. They may also calm down a bit as well!

OP, I can empathise so much with your situation, I've been there myself.

I used to really like and get on with my OH' s parents but when my dd was born they treated me the same way your IL' s are treating you and it annoyed the crap out of me. I will never forgive them for ruining my first week at home with my dd with their constant (although unintentional) overstepping of boundaries, interfering and stupid, ignorant comments. Gah!

I'd had a traumatic birth, resulting in an emergency c-section and had been kept in hospital for 3 days following the birth. I had been home with the baby just a day and a half when they decided to visit for the weekend. Bearing in mind that my poor OH had had no chance to bond with the baby and we had had no time to gel as a family, they turned up at our house that first day and stayed for nine goddamn hours!!!! Nine hours of them sitting here, expecting to be waited on with tea /food by someone who has just had major abdominal surgery, no offers to help out, watching intently while I struggled learning to feed my dd, making irritating comments about bfing "she's hungry again? Are you sure she's getting enough" etc.grrrr.

My mil would not leave the baby alone for a second. Taking her off of me, being constantly in her face, picking her up when we put her down, not handing her to me when she was clearly desperate for a feed (and that is really, really upsetting) etc. The poor baby got completely overstimulated by all this and decided to scream the place down from around 6pm to 1am as a result. Lovely.

Probably the part that most pissed me off though was my FIL refusing to give me the baby when we were eating and she was screaming for food because "Mammy is eating first and THEN you can have yours". Who does that? Who keeps a screaming newborn from her hormonal, lactating, frazzled mother? :-( luckily my bf stepped in on that occasion because I would have swore at him!

The second day - more of the same. They only stayed 7 hours this time as my OH ended up asking them to leAve (just before I burst in to tears from the stress of it all). The arseholes then decided to stay in town an extra 2 days (my OH got a little better at chucking them out when they got too annoying though).

Our relationship has just never recovered. I now just have this deep well of rage for my mil that won't abate. Everything she says just makes me want to strangle her. I have never felt as relieved as I did when they finally bloody drove off back home (with a promise to do it all in two weeks time :-( )

Yet I look like the unreasonable one because it all comes from a place of love for her grandchild (apparently - nth I still, to this day see no evidence of them ever putting the babies needs first, it's all about them). It would be so much easier if my parent in laws were just out right twats and I was ALLOWED to just hate them!

Sorry I've gone on a bit of a rant about my own experience there but I have kept all this pent up inside for almost an entire year and I finally saw a chance to let some of it out!

The only advice I can give you OP is to make sure you explain the intricacies of bfing to your in laws. I suspect that in your case, just like min, a lot of their hearty comments and behaviour around feeding the baby / handing baby to you are based in ignorance of bfing e.g. cluster feeding, building up milk supply, the let down reflex etc.

And deepest sympathies!

This is a ZOMBIE THREAD - OP was last on here more than two years ago. No point in giving her advice about breast feeding round her in-laws any more.

Oh sorry, I didn't realise!