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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be annoyed with in laws when they are nice

174 replies

telvg · 07/06/2012 22:47

What are your stories about your in laws? Mine are lovely but since my baby was born 10 months ago they are always doing things that annoy me (though are much better now). If I hear what others have done it will help me put mine in perspective.
Here are a fewof the annoying things:
Turning up at the hospital when I was in labour. Why?
Turning up again after I had given birth. I had a very traumatic labour followed by an op and the hospital let them in when I was in recovery. I took my baby off from her first feed so they could hold her and it meant my fil was there for the first breastfeed.
Since she was born, smothering my baby with excessive love, like she is their baby.
Constantly saying "she can't be hungry? when she was or is.
MIL walking off with my baby when she is crying and obviously wants feeding (I am breastfeeding).
MIL Shortening my babys name even though have expressed my desire not to. FIL calling MIL my babys Mum.
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIl passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.
Watching me breastfeed.
Commenting that she fed a lot.
When they arrive 30 mins early, commenting that am in the shower, good afternoon, even though I have been up for hours, since 5am feeding etc.
Like said, they are decent people and I am very lucky. My MIL is going to look after my baby 2 days a week when I go back to work, which is great though it would be slightly better if I knew she wouldn't try and pretend to be my baby`s mum. My own Mum is not alive so I am not sure how I would feel towards her.

OP posts:
IAmNotAmused · 07/06/2012 23:13

whermymilk - good for you love.

usualsuspect · 07/06/2012 23:13

hahahahaha

WinkyWinkola · 07/06/2012 23:13

Yes. Unbelievable that a new mother could feel vulnerable, threatened, rattled, upset and NOT actually want to have to consider anyone else's feelings but her own for once.

Not being able to understand that is unbelievable.

MaMattoo · 07/06/2012 23:13

Are you my twin in the world. I had the same experience 2 years ago. Post traumatic delivery I had this mil/fil issue to deal with for 3 months. It is one of the reasons I won't have another child. It pushed me into what I now think was depression. But I know added to the trauma of post op delivery, too many people at home and a huge gap between dH and me post baby.

Speak now, or think of it later and resent it for the rest of your life. It has created a huge amount of resentment in me that I can't seem to shake off.

everlong · 07/06/2012 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 23:14

They sound bloody awful to me. I'd have to say something if they were that indifferent to your wishes/requests.
They love their grandchild, but they're overstepping the mark by a long way.

Whitershadeofpale · 07/06/2012 23:14

Well if Everlong is totally insensitive then so am I. Some of what the OP described would annoy me i.e calling mil mummy but generally I see it as normal loving behaviour and I'm sure its just not occurred to them that op is uncomfortable with certain things.

You say it never ceases to amaze you how relatives intrude. Well it never ceases to amaze me how some people seem to begrudge love coming from anyone that's not them.

Op I suggest you try gently talking to ils you may be pleasantly surprised. I would just try to make it non confrontational or insulting. More 'I know it may sound silly to you but I feel...would you mind...Smile

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2012 23:14

I'm a grandmother and I do think the OP's inlaws have overstepped boundries, but she has said that they are decent people and I would be interested to know where her DH stands in all of this.
And as the baby is 10 months old, some of it should have been addressed a bit earlier.

And I would be beyond hurt if I couldn't hold my grandchild but other grandparents could.

everlong · 07/06/2012 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 07/06/2012 23:15

Takes one to know one

cheeseandmushroomtoastie · 07/06/2012 23:16

I read your first point on your list and can completely empathise. My Inlaws turned up when I was in active labour, I would have served DH with divorce papers there and then if I could have. I have a strained relationship with then anyway, they want nothing to do with me but want DH and DS around them all the time.

You have to make your own little rules in your head, and stick to them. Try not to key them get to you, that is what they want, and you can't let them win!!!

WorraLiberty · 07/06/2012 23:16

usualsuspect is not a troll

That's just ridiculous

People are allowed their own opinions on a public forum you know and they don't always have to 'conform' to everyone elses Hmm

everlong · 07/06/2012 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAmused · 07/06/2012 23:16

End of the day, in laws can be a hindrance as well as a help and there is no SET rule how you feel after the birth of your baby.

Some mumsnetters are going on like they were fine with everyone holding the baby and think its 'normal' in law behaviour towards a new grandchild and act like ANYONE who doesn't feel this way is 'bonkers' Hmm

I thought I'd be fine after the birth of ds. I wasn't. And the constant cooing, comments, unhelpful advice and opinions did nothing to help my personal relationship with my child's grandparents. I suffered for months afterwards and without going into detail, much of ds's early life is a blur because of it all.

MagicHouse · 07/06/2012 23:17

Hmmm! I had lots of this from my (now ex!) FIL! It drove me insane. Especially all the "she can't be hungry/ don't feed her again" comments and gawping at the breastfeeding. I'd be VERY wary of the childminding tbh. Difficult, but I think once you're feeling a bit more assertive I'd look into alternatives. Ex FIL was definitely trying to undermine me and my parenting, which was really depressing at the time.
My exMIL also tried to get dd to call her "ma" for ages, as a shortened version of grandma (so she said Hmm) but I corrected her time and time again and eventually she stopped. She's not with exFIL though, and actually she's a fantastic grandma, so I can forgive that one little thing - in every other way she's really supportive. I always thought that was a bit odd though. ex FIL was a different story though - he was horrible.
Just do what YOU want to do, you're her mum - if you want to feed her do, and say "I'll take her" if she's crying. And just keep gently but firmly insisting if you need to. They'll get the message in the end.

WinkyWinkola · 07/06/2012 23:18

NannyOgg couldn't you just think, "Ah ok. There's something going on here. I'm not going to take if personally but I'm going to be supportive and understanding as I can because I've not just been through a massive life changing experience but my dil has. So I'll put my feelings on the back burner because it's not actually all about me this time."

irishchic · 07/06/2012 23:18

The thing that strikes me the most is that the OP interrupted her first breastfeed with her newborn baby to let the in-laws hold the baby. This seems all wrong to me;

If the in laws asked her to do this then they were totally out of order and very overbearing.

Op sounds like you are going to have to assert yourself a bit more here, which is hard when you are exhausted and dealing with a new baby. Get your dh to help on this one.

IAmNotAmused · 07/06/2012 23:19

usualsuspect and everlong - I think you are a pair of bullies. Self righteous rude ones at that.

Have a nice evening though. Hope none of you or your grandchildren/children ever go what I've gone through or anyone else has in terms of pnd. Ignorance is bliss for some people apparently.

Oppsididitagain · 07/06/2012 23:20

Did I read that correctly father in law taking YOUR baby passing her to his wife and refering to his wife as your babys mummy???????? WTF

YANBU next time he or she does that calmly say " you know that extreamly personal moment at the hospital that you both intruded apon uninvited? Did you happen to notice it was me in the bed? You may not understand why but it was because I just gave birth not you"

My babys paternal grandparents came to visit the same day I gave birth I hadn't had any sleep at all wanted to stay in private for at least 24 hours but I was expected to cater for them foodwise as well as entertain them and watch them take over for the 6 fecking hours they stayed miffed me off quite a bit so I'm totally with you on this one

Happyasapiginshite · 07/06/2012 23:20

It sounds like they are totally in love with your dd and are 'over-loving' her. It's lovely that they'll be looking after your dd- they'll have a lovely special bond and you will have no cause to worry about your dd while you're at work.

You sound like a new mum who needs to use her mumsnet steel balls to firm up the boundaries a bit. The comments about food, ignore as best you can. They're from a different generation, rise above those comments. BUT, the comments like 'good afternoon' etc are undermining you and I think you need to address that type of comment. You could use the great 'did you mean that to sound so rude' line, or if you have a good relationship with tem generally, have a sit-down conversation about the things that are important.

usualsuspect · 07/06/2012 23:21
everlong · 07/06/2012 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivanapoo · 07/06/2012 23:21

I don't usually post on threads like this as I don't have children of my own yet but OP your post really set the alarm bells ringing.

A few of these things in isolation might be accepted as standard overbearing GP behaviour but all of them together makes for concerning reading.

Especially the bits where your MIL is essentially grabbing the baby off you without your permission and FIL calls her mum. Plus making sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and blatantly ignoring your requests for how you want your baby to be treated. Even if overall they mean well this is not on.

I really feel for you - you sound v sweet and I can imagine this really damaging your self esteem. YANBU. Please consider ways you can be firm with them about how you want to bring up your baby and ask for your DH's support.

McHappyPants2012 · 07/06/2012 23:22

op you seem to mention breastfeeding alot in the opening thread, the only reason i ask is do the Inlaws have a problem with breastfeeding

Happymummy21 · 07/06/2012 23:22

Yanbu. They sound very full on and I think you would to well to push back on them. Disrupting the first breastfeed is appalling, I feel very sorry for you. :(