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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

to be annoyed with in laws when they are nice

174 replies

telvg · 07/06/2012 22:47

What are your stories about your in laws? Mine are lovely but since my baby was born 10 months ago they are always doing things that annoy me (though are much better now). If I hear what others have done it will help me put mine in perspective.
Here are a fewof the annoying things:
Turning up at the hospital when I was in labour. Why?
Turning up again after I had given birth. I had a very traumatic labour followed by an op and the hospital let them in when I was in recovery. I took my baby off from her first feed so they could hold her and it meant my fil was there for the first breastfeed.
Since she was born, smothering my baby with excessive love, like she is their baby.
Constantly saying "she can't be hungry? when she was or is.
MIL walking off with my baby when she is crying and obviously wants feeding (I am breastfeeding).
MIL Shortening my babys name even though have expressed my desire not to. FIL calling MIL my babys Mum.
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIl passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.
Watching me breastfeed.
Commenting that she fed a lot.
When they arrive 30 mins early, commenting that am in the shower, good afternoon, even though I have been up for hours, since 5am feeding etc.
Like said, they are decent people and I am very lucky. My MIL is going to look after my baby 2 days a week when I go back to work, which is great though it would be slightly better if I knew she wouldn't try and pretend to be my baby`s mum. My own Mum is not alive so I am not sure how I would feel towards her.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/06/2012 16:24

OP, if you're still there:

Get another person to babysit your baby. Do not have the grandparents do it. If they dismiss what you say now about the baby needing feeding, etc., they are not likely to take any of your wishes about her care seriously when they look after her upon your return to work.

Get your DH to approach them with the news that the babysitting plan is off, and with your requests for them to back off. You have allowed this to fester too long but for the sake of your mental and emotional health, you need to stop it, and you need to have your DH back you up.

Where is your DH in all of this? You didn't say a word about him.

If the thought of establishing boundaries makes you nervous, get some counselling.

mangomadness · 08/06/2012 16:44

I let my in-laws hold my baby UNTIL.... They came CHARGING in to the ward and mil tried to grab baby off me as baby was feeding, luckily I'd heard them coming and grabbed a blanket. Mil has made certain comments and it's like she's going to snatch my baby, for example I was told that she wouldn't leave my house until she held baby....she left without taking my baby. It makes me cringe and I just have this tigeress instinct come over me.

Horsemad · 08/06/2012 17:12

4ducks says it best.

Haven't read the whole thread and can only speak from my own personal experience, which was horrendous!

Set your boundaries NOW, or you will be fighting them forever. What does your DH think of their OTT behaviour?
Mine thought his family were fine and that I was overreacting... possibly why I ended up with PND a few months down the line after DC2. It spoilt what should have been a very special time for me - time I can't get back.

I don't speak to my MIL now and relations are strained to say the least. I wish with all my heart I'd stood up for myself earlier.

skybluepearl · 08/06/2012 17:14

I think it was unnecessary of them to be there just before and after the birth. Next time don't tell them you are in labor. Yes it's important that mum and baby have bonding time. It is far far far more important then IL's or other GP's bonding.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 08/06/2012 17:21

I think this is about breastfeeding - them not understanding it, and probably not feeling comfortable with it.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 08/06/2012 17:28

Although not totally about breastfeeding. It also seems to a bit about them being in love with their GC and forgetting to do the best to support that GC by supporting its mother. I hope I remember this in the first flushes of love for my first GC, most GP seem to manage it.

Groovee · 08/06/2012 17:35

My in laws had to be asked to take a step back as they were so in love with having a granddaughter after having 2 sons that they didn't realise what they'd done.

My dh was on my side and spoke to his parents and we got things sorted. I knew they would be excited about the baby but hadn't expected how they would be. As it turns out they're fab grandparents now and I appreciate them a lot.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 08/06/2012 18:31

Bloody hell! I should think Op hid behind the sofa pages ago and maybe daren't come back.
I think some of these GP's behaviour is normal, but still may not be acceptable to you. Some is not normal, the same bits other posters have listed.
One thought struck me; I wonder if they might be trying to compensate for the fact that your own mother isn't around?
Not sure how that helps, if at all, just a thought.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 08/06/2012 19:10

YANBU, my own parents were like this. They did calm down but turning up in the labour ward and then taking my new born baby off me was just too much. Thankfully the wonderful midwife saw my anguished face and said that baby needs to be with her mother, DD was about 3 mins old ffs! And breathe!

Set your boundaries at what you really can't bear and let the rest go. You can set your boundaries with kind words as they obviously just adore your baby.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/06/2012 20:02

OP, you have my sympathies - my ILs were very similar. Was induced with dc4 and had mil on the ward with me all day. She was being very nice, but I really wasn't in the mood to be social. Couldn't even object because my own mum was there. Have also had the thing with them wanting to be called mama and papa (wtf?) and following me upstairs when I went to bf. The thing is, it does stem from love, so you feel like a bitch for needing some space.

Although they are probably basically decent people, they do sound quite selfish. They will happily put what they want to do above what you want to do. On the one hand, it's quite hard (I imagine) to be a GP - you love this child sooo much, but have no rights. I think it takes some people quite a while to come to grips with the fact that they are now a GP and not a parent. Things can be a be a bit fraught until it all settles down. Otoh, this is your baby, not theirs and you deserve no to have the experience wrecked by other people's insensitivity and selfishness.

The key to making it settle down, is to stand up for yourself. you really must learn to say no to things that you don't want. If you don't impose any boundaries, then the ILs will continue to do as they please. Talk to your dh and tell him they are driving you batshit crazy - that you like them very much but if they don't back off a bit, you will have to be a quite blunt yourself. He can then get them to give you some space - it's always better for them to hear criticism from their own kin.

candr · 08/06/2012 20:46

Portofino, that book is scary when you realise how easily someone else can sway others opinions on your parenting by being sneaky.
OP, I understand where you are coming from. I really like my MIL but at the hospitle after DS birth she came and hid in my room giggling over the fact the nurses hadn't kicked her out at end of visiting and stayed till 9pm (from 2pm) but DH liked her being there and she was so excited I didn't have heart to make her go but it peed me off that DH didn't seem to mind. She also kept kissing DS as I was bf which was too much so I kept shifting him till she got the message. Felt very strange with her being there for only 2nd bf when my own mum hadn't been there.
She def does things a bit different to me and also kept commenting on him eating so much but I just ignored or said 'he is hungry'.
Thank goodness she is now a bit more appropriate and I know it all comes from love for him but does wear thin sometimes however I make sure I do what I want with DS regardless of her opinions. I would let them know at the time when things make you feel uncofertable and correct them EVERY time they refer to LO as their baby. They had their turn with your OH, now it is yours. It is a fine line between letting them know they are appreciated but it is your baby, your rules. If you feel you can trust them to abide by this then childcare is fine, if not then let them know why you are makung other arrangements.

Portofino · 08/06/2012 21:40

candr, yes - it was scary because everything was so "reasonable". You could see both sides.....as a mother it is scary that you could be trying your absolute hardest....

Horsemad · 08/06/2012 22:12

Bewitched my mum wasn't around, so I think my MIL thought she was THE only grandparent & could 'help' out all the time! She took offence when I refused to call her 'Mum' when I married her son...

telvg · 08/06/2012 23:04

Well, thankyou everyone for your varied comments and opinions. Yesterday was the first time I had posted a thread on this site and I hadn't realised it would get so many responses, so thanks again.

To be fair, those of you that have given reasons why my in laws have acted as they have are probably right. I wasn't really looking to give them a real slagging off. I was interested in other experiences so I could put mine into perspective, particularly as they have so much going for them but I didn't list their positive behaviour. I think those who say they just love my dd too much are probably right but it has really helped me to know the bounderies do need setting. I will definitely take the advice and find ways of making sure i do assert some control over such situations.
My dh is supportive but finds it difficult if I criticise his parents as he feels guilty to them when he says they won't be deliberately insensitive. In fact he says they would be very upset if they knew how I had felt at times. Things are a lot better now but I hadn't discovered mumsnet when they were overwhelmingly clautrophobic during the first few months.
Any more experiences of others parents and in laws will still be welcomed, and appreciate those who have shared their own experiences.

OP posts:
CrumpettyTree · 08/06/2012 23:14

candr You sound quite tolerant of your MIL! Hiding in your hospital room and kissing your ds while you were bfing him sounds a leetle bit bonkers. :o

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/06/2012 23:18

My PIL are lovely but DD is the only GC. MIL particularly struggled with me BFing a bit as it turns out she struggled to do this with her own children. She also wanted to be called Mam. I (with DH) did put my foot down with this and we compromised just because it was too close to mum. It's a welsh thing I think but it would be really weird for my family.

PIL were keen on me bottle feeding and also to start weaning, and on that basis we didn't take them up on looking after DD on a regular basis until DD was about 1.5yo. This worked really well as DD was established eating, on a bottle at bedtime and also sleeping much better too.

I'd suggest holding off on the childcare plans for a bit. It sounds like they're just OTT but you won't get this time back so you need to be clear and make decisions you can deal with.

We have a brilliant relationship with PIL, they have DD for 2x days a week and to a certain extent I pick my battles a bit. They love DD, they spoil her but they also have the time, patience and money to do things like swimming etc. We've only had to 'chat' about two issues (sugar, as it makes DD ill and cuddling DD to sleep). If they'd had DD from much younger we would have had way more issues I think.

PropertyNightmare · 08/06/2012 23:47

Yanbu. The grandparents sound absolutely out of order. I can't believe they invaded your privacy like that when you were in recovery after the birth Sad. In your shoes I would have seriously kicked off with them and made shre that they backed off by now. You have been very accommodating so far but please stand up for yourself. You should not be made to feel uncomfortable. They are very weird and domineering people from your description. Don't suffer them.

mathanxiety · 09/06/2012 03:32

Your DH needs to swallow hard and speak up. It doesn't have to be rude. He can use words like appreciate and affection and fondness, etc., but he must also use words like 'respect the fact that we are the baby's mum and dad and our baby is ours to make our own mistakes with'. Given that you are both so timid and so unable to assert yourselves in a positive way, I feel you will be driven nuts when it comes time to return to work unless you have found a way to establish the basic fact that this is your baby and you are going to expect them to do things your way.

mathanxiety · 09/06/2012 03:38

I wouldn't be as concerned about the 'granny/mum' thing as telling you the baby isn't hungry or questioning how often you are feeding her. Some people call puppies and cats their babies after all, but deciding a baby isn't hungry when the mother is saying she is bespeaks either inexperience with breastfeeding or inexperience with babies your DD's age, or a lack of respect for the mother's relationship with her baby and her intuition. I don't like the way they contradicted you there.

'Constantly saying "she can't be hungry? when she was or is.
MIL walking off with my baby when she is crying and obviously wants feeding (I am breastfeeding).
MIL Shortening my babys name even though have expressed my desire not to. FIL calling MIL my babys Mum.
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIl passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.
Watching me breastfeed.
Commenting that she fed a lot.'

There is a basic lack of respect for you as the baby's mother there, plus ignorance of breastfeeding.

Can you really not find anyone else to babysit? I feel this will end really badly.

waterrat · 09/06/2012 08:57

OP - there are some overreactions on this thread I think.

Firstly - ignorance of breastfeeding doesn't mean they are bad grandparents or that they disrespect you or that they wouldn't be good people to care for your child.

I think there are a few different issues here - and you have asked for others experience, so I will tell you that I have had similar tensions over breastfeeding - simply because of my own feelings about it and lack of understanding in wider family.

the comment 'he can't still be hungry' is so common from parents in law and family - it was said to me recently and BURNED through my mind all night - I took it as upsetting and annoying, so much that while the in laws were here I went and hid in my room to feed the baby because I didn't want them to see me...my partner told me I was bonkers, that they were simply trying to be helpful.

Like many women I had absolutely no idea before I had this baby how time consuming breastfeeding is, I had not heard of cluster feeding and didn't know babies could feed so much - your inlaws clearly are the same as i was - ignorant.

That does not make them bad people! you know that yourself - deal with it one of two ways - either ignore it, or, do the grown up (but harder) thing of just talking openly to them - say 'actually he is still hungry, babies often cluster feed at certain times of day, its something we learnt in breastfeeding classes etc etc..or 'yes the baby is hungry, breastfed babies feed more often than bottle because their stomachs are so small and breastmilk doesnt last as long..'

thats how simple it is, once you say that if they say it again - then ignore them or get your partner to have a word.

the issue of their arriving in the hospital is horrendous, - your partner should have protected you from that frankly. and they were deeply insensitive - but again, it doesn't mean they can't be good grandparents, just be aware and stop it happening next time!

but I think people sometimes don't get how vulnerable women feel breastfeeding - I have had friends who have made me feel uncomfortable, and my in laws have sat and looked awkward while I struggled to latch the baby on - I wished so much they would talk amongst themselves but they probably didn't want to look like they were doing anything special, so ended up making it more awkward by keeping talking to me, which I hated.

if your MIL didn't breastfeed she may not know all of this - did she? Before I had the baby I honestly had no idea and look back with shame at how I sat in friends/ families living rooms as they breastfed their newborn, did I consider their feelings? no! I didn't even think it would be awkward for them.

I bet they are watching because they adore their grandchild and are fascinated to watch - they may really not understand how often babies need to feed. and perhaps the comments about you being up late are a bad joke - only you can know that, and I think that's worth you or your partner saying something about if they do it again.

give them a chance if you think they mean well.

thebody · 09/06/2012 08:57

Get a child minder.

WinkyWinkola · 09/06/2012 09:06

I don't thin anybody has said the gos are bad people. Insensitive and selfish yes but not bad people.

ReportMeNow · 09/06/2012 09:10

Your ILs, I suspect, will also want to do a lot of 'firsts' with your dd, if they are childminding her. Just a heads up.

thebody · 09/06/2012 09:36

Just a point. In laws are not 'childminders'. Babysitters yes but not child minders.

Op I think you are storing up massive annoyance and potential trouble for yourself by letting them babysit your dd for 2 days a week.

They sound like they will ride roughshod over your parenting wishez( a cm would support your wishes)

Agree with above poster that they will delight in doing a lot of firsts and then telling you so.

Get professional child care nd keep gps contact and control on your own terms.

I don't for one moment think they are bad people but they will try to take over and agree with

telvg · 09/06/2012 13:11

I found in those months I was repeatedly saying that yes she was hungry etc but they still said it again and again. I am more able to stand my ground now and it was not through being timid, just have always liked them and didn't want to offend them. With the firts thing, am going to tell them they can tell each other but we don't want to know so we can discover firsts for ourselves.
I think those of you that say they are just in love with my dd are right, which has caused the insensitivity. They would be very upset to know all these things had annoyed me. A friend of mine told me her MIL used to ring at 6:30 to find out how her ds had slept, used to complain if my friend saw her own mum, and phoned every day they were on holiday, so that really helped me put mine in perspective. They help us with all sorts of things in the house etc and the free child care will really help us financially.

OP posts: