to be annoyed with in laws when they are nice

[telvg]

What are your stories about your in laws? Mine are lovely but since my baby was born 10 months ago they are always doing things that annoy me (though are much better now). If I hear what others have done it will help me put mine in perspective.
Here are a fewof the annoying things:
Turning up at the hospital when I was in labour. Why?
Turning up again after I had given birth. I had a very traumatic labour followed by an op and the hospital let them in when I was in recovery. I took my baby off from her first feed so they could hold her and it meant my fil was there for the first breastfeed.
Since she was born, smothering my baby with excessive love, like she is their baby.
Constantly saying "she can't be hungry? when she was or is.
MIL walking off with my baby when she is crying and obviously wants feeding (I am breastfeeding).
MIL Shortening my babys name even though have expressed my desire not to. FIL calling MIL my babys Mum.
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIl passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.
Watching me breastfeed.
Commenting that she fed a lot.
When they arrive 30 mins early, commenting that am in the shower, good afternoon, even though I have been up for hours, since 5am feeding etc.
Like said, they are decent people and I am very lucky. My MIL is going to look after my baby 2 days a week when I go back to work, which is great though it would be slightly better if I knew she wouldn't try and pretend to be my baby`s mum. My own Mum is not alive so I am not sure how I would feel towards her.

NannyOgg couldn't you just think, "Ah ok. There's something going on here. I'm not going to take if personally but I'm going to be supportive and understanding as I can because I've not just been through a massive life changing experience but my dil has. So I'll put my feelings on the back burner because it's not actually all about me this time."
Wouldn't stop me being massively hurt however understanding I wanted to be.
I am not going to suggest that a grandparents love equals or supercedes a parent's - it's different. But it is still quite overwhelming.

IAmNotAmused

It's not often I say this (actually I don't think I've ever said it) but you clearly have some very personal issues and I think it would be far kinder to the OP if you either started your own thread about them (should you wish to) or leave her thread so that she might gain the mixed opinions she's looking for.

I really do doubt she started this thread hoping a row would break out due to other people's personal issues.

Turning up at the hospital when I was in labour. Why?
Turning up again after I had given birth. I had a very traumatic labour followed by an op and the hospital let them in when I was in recovery. I took my baby off from her first feed so they could hold her and it meant my fil was there for the first breastfeed.

Both barking - am gobsmacked that the hospital let them in under the circumstances. I can totally understand why you feel cross and resentful but it's in the past and will probably do you more harm than good to hang on to it so try and let it go.

Commenting that she fed a lot.
When they arrive 30 mins early, commenting that am in the shower, good afternoon, even though I have been up for hours, since 5am feeding etc.

Bloody annoying but probably just a general insensitive/older generation thing.

Since she was born, smothering my baby with excessive love, like she is their baby.

That's grandparents for you!

Watching me breastfeed - very odd if they're always doing it.

Constantly saying "she can't be hungry? when she was or is.
MIL walking off with my baby when she is crying and obviously wants feeding (I am breastfeeding).
MIL Shortening my babys name even though have expressed my desire not to. FIL calling MIL my babys Mum.
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIL passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.

^These last few really set alarm bells ringing. Without wanting to be melodramatic you cannot have them looking after your DD two days a week until these issues are addressed to your satisfaction, otherwise you have a very long and rocky road ahead (have been there and done it with grandparent childcare and tricky relationship with MIL - I cannot tell you what a relief it was when we didn't have to do it anymore).

Where does your DH fit in to all of this?

These are the worrying parts of your post
Arguing against simple requests I make for my baby or ignoring them and doing their own thing.
When my baby is crying for me and FIl passing her to me, MIl stepping in between us and grabbing her.
That isn't a loving grandparent, that's a major pain in the arse which will lead to you spending less time with them. What does your dh say?

I think they do sound awful actually everlong. Yes they obviously love their grandchild but it would be a nightmare having to deal with that kind of overbearing behaviour when you've just given birth to your first child. They are not taking their dil's feelings into account at all.

Obviously something is going on that op hasn't felt able to address these issues with either her pil or her DH since the baby was born 10 months ago so it might be helpful to go a bit easy on her and give her a chance to discuss why she thinks that might be.

I BF 3 babies for a year each - my in laws didn't see any BF.

If they turn up early and I'm not ready then we don't open the door.
Nobody held any of my babies if I wasn't happy about it - too soon/too long/baby hungry.

There are ways around all of your points if you think around it,so that you get the upper hand.

It must be really tough going through all of this without your mother to support you, which must make it harder to deal with how over bearing your in laws are. You don't have to let them do any of these things though - you can't change them, they probably won't change anything and are just doing it out of love for your baby but she is your baby first and foremost.

and apart from breasstfeeding, i find it normal for GP to be involved in there GC just as much as the parent.

We forget, that there child has had a baby maybe they can see DC as a baby all over again. My own father adores my DD she is the double of me in every way and my dad has said it is like watching me grow up all over again and the love he has for DD it is magical to watch the bond ( and finds it funny that i react in the same way my mum did)

OP - it sounds like your boundaries are been over stepped & it's time for you to get some support on how to re-establish how you want to interact with GP's.

You shouldnt under estimate how hard it is not to have your own Mum around, I'm in a similar position & it sometimes it feels incredibly lonely not to have someone to have a good whinge to!

But AIBU, is not always the best place for advice. Think about getting someone to chat to - friend, sibling or other, but don't ignore these feelings you have as, IMHO they sound like the will worsen when you return to work.

YANBU and you probably know this but there are obviously lots of issues floating around particularly related to your own mother.
However having said that, your in-laws are not behaving well but sadly, they probably don't even know it. The BFing comments were something I came across a lot with my first baby from in-laws and also from other mothers who weren't breastfeeding. BF brings out strong emotions in women who didn't or weren't able to breast feed their children and they can feel threatened even when you're not making a statement you're just feeding your baby.

The whole hospital/labour stuff has gone and can't be changed but you can start asseting yourself when they act or say things that piss you off.
It's 10 months now and time you commented back or made it obvious that you are the expert when it comes to your baby's needs. If they comment on feeding just say 'yes, isn't it great the DD is thriving so well on breast milk' or something similar.

I expect you don't want to break with them as you've said they are kind and will look after the baby when you go back to work. If you want the relationship with them to continue then you need to assert where necessary and ignore where you can or laugh off comments about trivial things (about showering late, etc) and challenge the ones where neccessary (feeding,taking the crying baby).

And next time your in labour don't tell them 'til it's all over. You're allowed to decide how things will be.
Sorry about your mother it's hard that you can't shared motherhood with her and probably miss her input. I've lost my mother and can sympathise, some one elses mother just won't do.

sorry so long and 3 pages of posts whilst I was writing mine, obviously too slow for AIBU..

If you read the OP, it's like a condensed version of events that's happened over a 10 month period.

So maybe right now, they're not quite as bad as the condensed version of events shows them to be...maybe things have moved on a bit by now?

Either way, they can't be that bad or there's no way the OP would be happy to use them as childcare 2 days a week.

I'm sure she'd pay a CM instead and save a lot of heartache.

Everyone has personal issues but I know alarm bells when I hear them and I don't want the op, already in a vulnerable state, to go through what me and other mothers have been through. I don't care if I sound 'ott' or whatever any of you are calling me or my opinions, my intention is right and I want people to know that pushy in laws need to be kept at arms length until the mum is ready.

To those who were fine with their partner or husbands families having the baby and passing them around, it doesn't mean other mums who didnt do this or disliked it, are wrong in any way. That sort of judgement is plain ignorant and it's why pnd and other issues are such taboo subjects, it makes these women seem like there's something wrong with them.

telvg

your inlaws sound like their hearts are in the right place but they just have a funny way of going about things and some of it may just be as simple as 'how we did it when we were parents'

my MIL told me that my milk musn't be 'enough' for DD1 as she was always feeding -but it turns out she was the first BF baby in the family and she had no idea about cluster feeding etc

I used to think they were 'gawping' at me when I was feeding -they weren't they were captivated by their grandchild (FIL was mortified when DH had a word with him)

the 'mum' thing -my inlaws call each other mum and dad, but they never did it infront of me before I had DD1 and was part of the family (not married)

my MIL also looked after DD1 when I went back to work for 4 days a week and it did blur the boundries -so I cut it to 2 days a week and used a childminder which meant that for 2 days a week she could be a grandparent as 2 days is plenty to indulge being the doting grandparent without throwing out routines etc too much

you are not wrong in feeling annoyed with them, your baby, your rules, but they maybe think that they are helping and probably have the best of intentions -talk to them try the FIL first, he seems nicer lol

They sound hideously intrusive and self centres and insensitive, op.

That kind of behaviour nothing to do with a balanced normal love for a grandchild - that's all about themselves and a total lack of respect for the mother.

I'd be putting in some firm boundaries pdq.

Interesting to see the gps on this thread unable to see beyond their own needs and sloping off instead.

Fair enough IAmNotAmused but you do seem rather disproportionately angry for some reason?

No-one here is a troll and no-one is bullying anyone.

Just differing opinions which one would expect to find on such a large public forum.

Agree that some sound normal and others overstepping the mark.
It sounds as though you need to be more assertive about MIL stepping in and grabbing baby. A loud "I think she's crying for her mother thanks" or "can you not step in my way when my daughter is crying for me" should shoo her away.
I would pick up FIL when he calls MIL mum as that sounds weird to me. "You're forgetting it's "granny" this time round and I'm mum" may remind him.
If you don't like them watching you breastfeed then go upstairs. I used to sometimes, but I'm antisocial and can only cope with visitors for so long. I'm often amazed at how much many adults see of their parents and inlaws. I hate having to be polite and pleasant all the time and would find excuses not to see people but thankfully relatives lived some distance away so it's never been a problem. They are all lovely seen infrequently.
It did mean I never got free childminders though.
I would just reduce how often you see them and start commenting on the things that really annoy you.

Hi there
I know this is AIBU but a reminder that we don't allow troll hunting or personal attacks, regardless of how unreasonable you think someone is being.
Thanks
MNHQ

warraliberty - not angry as such, just passionate about trying to protect mums and babies bonds with eachother without interference.

milkmoniter - yes it is interesting to see these gps and their opinions..

Sorry delete my fuck off

usualsuspect - people have written articles about those women such as you on mumsnet who use foul language and try to intimidate people. No reason at all to use such a disgusting way to speak. Grow up and learn some manners.

delete your 'f off???!!!

lol

maybe the father gave permission to come to the hospital, especially as telvg was rushed for an emergency op.....perhaps he needed support from his parents.

warraliberty - not angry as such, just passionate about trying to protect mums and babies bonds with eachother without interference

Fair enough but if you read the OP again, perhaps with a more open mind...you'll see the baby is 10 months old now and that the OP is perfectly happy to allow her MIL to look after the baby for 2 days a week.

Surely that must tell you that the situation happened over a period of time and right now it's nowhere near as bad as it was?