To slightly envy single parents

[Nobhead]

I'm not saying that being a single parent must be a walk in the park, I'm sure it's very difficult in many ways (financially, no "break" etc). My DH has been working away since Tuesday so it's just been me and DS but actually it's been quite nice, easier almost. I have been ready for work earlier in the mornings, DS has gone to bed quicker without DH getting him all giddy before bedtime, I have eaten what I want for tea when I want to, watched what I want on TV, been on MN at night. I haven't had to listen to him moan or distract me in the mornings with the "nobhead where is my football kit, keys, wallet, phone?" or spending all night on twitter and showing me every single thing he or anyone else tweets or retweets.
It's only been for 3 nights and I'm sure the novelty would wear off after a while but I have really enjoyed it. DH asked me on Monday night if I would miss him and I said "yes of course" but I must have had a look on my face that said otherwise because he said "no you won't, you can't wait until I go look at your face" I felt really awful but I was secretly looking forward to it. God I'm a bad person and I probably am being totally U.

Laugh a minute here. No financial back up. No help in supporting his education. I am Christmas. Just me. No one to cry with. No one to laugh with. No one to say "I'm just going to nip" to. Crying at night because I'm so lonely and making such a fucking hash of it all. NO one to hold me up when I need it. No one to hold up when they need it. No one to say "let me just do that for you" to you. No one to say "let me just do that for you" to. A huge yawning chasm of loneliness is all you can see in front of you and despair how things could get any better. Not all lone parents have the other parent available for frequent weekends "off". For some "lone" means "lone". And it's lonely. and it's shit and if you had any idea how shit it is you would not slightly envy it. No you have no idea how it is to be a lone parent. YABU

I love being a single parent, life has been like a permanent holiday since I got rid of my ex.

Everything is easier, there's more money despite less coming in because he's not wasting every penny, the house is always spotless because he's not around to constantly clutter and mess it up, the child is much happier because he's not taking over the whole house with his hideous moods, being mean to her and abusive to me in front of her, I'm happy because he can no longer bully and threaten me every day, I can have visitors, I don't have to put up with his awful ones, there's no embarrassment in front of the neighbours from overhearing his daily tantrums and abuse, I can now sleep at night and so does dd due to no more extreme stress. The two of us are much closer now as well.

Life isn't particularly easy but it's heaven compared to what it was and I work very hard to make it as pleasant as I can. I love that I can now provide a happy, safe, secure home that both dd and I enjoy.

No way would I ever live with anybody again, I couldn't risk it. I was so envious of single parents until I became one, now I only wish that I'd has this freedom and peace since her birth.

I don't think Yabu at all, two parents in the home is only easier if they're both working toward the same thing and get along very well.

Would it be worth us talking more in the lone parents section about lone parents getting together?

So many here reference being lonely, when we could be getting together, helping with babysitting, etc?

I wonder how cherrypez is two years down the liine?

Rollontomime, yes, whenever I'm really challenged, I imagine how much worse the whole situation (whatever it might be) would have been to bear if I'd been struggling through it with my x.

THE OP WROTE THIS IN 2012

I suspect she's not hanging on these replies

I agree with Alice that lone parents might be able to offer support

You can't win with this debate.

If you envy, even a small part, of the life someone leads as a single parent, you're thoughtless, stupid, have no idea how hard the life is compared to how easy you have it etc.

If you say you in no way envy a single parent then you're disparaging that set-up, hinting at the fact you think it's not as good as your set up.

I have had minor 'envy' moments of some SP's, just related to free time (that some sp's get).

Reasoning is: The only person I feel 100% comfortable with leaving the dc with is dh. I'm always slightly on edge if they're sleeping the night at my mums, or have a babysitter. So when dh and I are out together for a meal, or a night away (rarely!) then I can never 100% relax. I have had musings that the only time that I could completely enjoy a romantic meal out, or a night away, would be if I was 'single' - out with a different partner, and dh had the kids. I love my dh so that wouldn't work anyway, and it's not something I want...but it's just a musing I've had before, that that would be a 'benefit' to me if dh and I split.

you have picked out the good things and yes they are really good.the novelty has yet to wear off after nearly four years. mind you there was no loving supportive relationship. it was always a bit fraught. you also get more sympathy for being a single parent than for having to cope with the harder living with an abusive partner who does not pull his weight. people just do not get it. (friends husband goes to the pub and leaves her to it, and can not be trusted etc.)

ZOMBIE THREAD!

i am a lone parent and even i envy other single parents.. the ones where their kids get to see their dad and they get a break, or ones that can still talk to the ex when it comes to their kids.

everyone at some point envys sopme one elses life.

new thread

PS, I am not the OP, I just think it's interesting and posters are being told it's a zombie thread it's a zombie thread, as though the issue were no longer relevant.

I find this so offensive. YABU.

The worst part is when your child has an accident late at night and you don't own a car... because you rely on state benefits and can't afford it. So you get two buses at 11pm to a town 40 minutes away because that's the only place there is a pediatric ward. To be sent home past midnight with no buses or trains, to walk to the town overs train station just to find it empty. Then to beg the caretaker to phone you a taxi you can't afford, to beg your parents to lend you the money for a taxi because you need to cover food until you get paid again.

To not have anyone to share those moments with that you would share with a partner, to share them on Facebook instead and have people mock you for being a "baby bore".

When you are incapacitated with flu or sickness bug and your baby is crying and needs to be picked up and there is nothing you can do but try and sleep on the floor of a safe space so you can rest in-between trying to care for your moving baby.

When your baby is really ill with a temperature and are worryingly irritable and you are up all night, no one to help, no one to put the kettle on or talk about what to do, to rationalise what is actually happening.

When you get stressed more than you would like to because your whole world is this all encompassing responsibility that no one else can take on, that no one else has a share in (unless an active father). And your friends talk about looking forward to the weekend because they get a break, and all you can think is that you can't see any break in your future.

To juggle even the time to bathe around keeping your house at a suitable level of cleanliness with a small child who doesn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time while also caring for your own personal hygiene.

No - having some alone time is not the same as being a single parent. It is understandable that one might feel this sometimes if not thinking about the realities but it is not rational and it is offensive.

But being a single parent is better than being in an unhappy and potentially abusive relationship.

I enjoy it when my husband's away. The house is much calmer, I don't have him trying to sabotage every mealtime by being late, DS16 isn't arguing with him.

YABU! DH died so I have no weekends off, I have to do all the housework, the bed gets lonely, not much on telly anymore and I would do anything to have him back, so endless golf is fine by me. I have to take DD everywhere and I don't have a lot of help from friends and family. My day is long, I am up at 6:30am and not to bed until 11pm. DD is financially reliant on me, I have no one else to turn too. Doing the dinner every night for ever is not fun, I would love someone to come and take the weight off just for one week.

Dd (15) has to put up with DD class mate do everyday what their dads after school, what their dad bought them etc. I can't share how proud of her achievements with DH. But I feel I am one of the lucky ones as DD is older so I can leave her home alone and go out.

I can so totally understand those who love being a single parent due to abusive exes.

To everyone who is a single parent, whether it was through choice or not.

WhereHas I am sorry for your loss.

I am actually happier now than I was when I was with my ex. The thing that I find most difficult is that he is so uninvolved and disinterested in our ds - I couldn't give a stuff what he thinks of me, but I feel his (not quite total but bad enough) rejection of our wonderful son very keenly, to the point where I do berate myself for having a child with someone who doesn't put that child first.

WhereHas, I am sorry too. that is very sad.

I find it really hard work being a single parent, but I have to say it is mentally a picnic compared with living with my ex. He was nasty to me and an alcoholic. I had to do virtually everything myself, and was always on tenterhooks about him too. I never knew what was around the corner. Living like that was so terribly painful and sent me almost mad.

So, yes, it's hard doing everything myself, I have no family nearby, the chores seem never ending, my house is still a mess, and I don't do enough fun things with the DCs, and I don't have money for many treats. Mind you it's a ball compared to looking after all of the above and a grumpy and unpredictable DP as well!

Just resurrecting this thread. I don't find it that hard as a single parent. My ds is now nearly 12 and every year is easier. It was cripplingly hard when he was younger as I have had no family support and a toxic ex who used to make nasty comments. Now I have stopped access owing to a spate of violence towards our ds my mind is free of his toxicity. Life feels a lot more sane. It depends on how many children you have, how much money you have coming in, whether you are good in your own company and how old the children are in my opinion.

If you have enough to live on and enjoy your job and enjoy being independent and have a car then to my mind life is ok. Getting me time and enough friends together are the hardest aspects to being a single parent as I work at home so I can be there for ds being as there is nobody else to help.

I have to say I didn't really ever enjoy having access as it makes the weekends and half terms feel so lonely and you still need money and friends to enjoy your life. I am stronger now for the lack of access! I have noticed women who have no help from the ex come off better they do not have to keep interfacing with their exes and reliving the reasons why they got rid of them in the first place.

It is just the prejudice that abounds in society that is a strain. I had no idea there was so much of it. Heh ho. I try not to take it seriously and to rise above it.

I've been both and I completely agree with op, being a single parent, in charge of my own ship, no-one else to answer to, was sometimes alot easier than being in a relationship. Being a single parent is not all doom and gloom. It seems silly to get offended by ops post.

You'd get fed up. My DH is away all week and usually gets back in on a Thursday night. We're so fed up of this arrangement. Having a very active toddler and house is mid being renovated, I look forward to weekends because DH cooks, helps to keep house tidy (sort of) and takes away some of the pressure.

When my two were babies basically at the same time and DH was out 13 hours a day it was like being a single parent with non of the perks. DH worked very long days so I did any getting up in the night, bathing, feeding, changing, crying etc. On a night and weekend when DH was off he was shattered. He did help a little but we were going out for walks with the double buggy looking and feeling like zombies or going into town etc on a weekend. Often passing single parents dressed nicely looking fresh and relaxed going out for drinks, nice lunch and having fun doing adult things with friends new partners and generally having a break from the mundane every or most weekends. I must admit I was ever so slightly envious. Also many single parents had nights, weekends and weeks away whilst their parents stepped in their parents also helped out more with childcare and showed more interest in their babies and kids. Whereas I had a husband but did the lions share of everything else myself without a break. I felt stressed and exhausted 7 days a week mists hours I was awake etc. Much as I love my DH he is a living husband and excellent provider I can see the perks of being a single parent.

I'm a single parent and for the most part love it. Although I'm comparing it to being with dds dad who was emotionally abusive and a lazy arsehole! So for me this is so much better.
However I think I'd think differently if I had a supportive and loving partner.

I totally get this, and I have felt similar.

I would never want to be a single parent, but a week of it is quite nice!

I get what your saying but your not considering every angle. My DH works away for months at a time. I also work and have the kids. I do everything during this time BUT my colleague actually is a single mum. We work side by side every day and the difference of just having DH at the end of the phone is huge.
When things go wrong, I'm not alone.

There is a CHASM of difference between enjoying your DP being out from under your feet for a few days compared to be a single parent. You can bask in the enjoyment of that situation - because you know he's coming back!

It NEVER ends, there is NEVER anyone to turn to, there is NO support (and there are even degrees of single parentness so lumping everyone in together as though everyone has the same single parent situation is ridiculous).

I have absolutely NO ONE to rely on apart from me. End of. No relatives, no friends nearby, nothing.

You cannot, ever, know what it's like until you're in it and you realise that absolutely every single thought, decision, feeling ill, feeling happy, disappointment, broken down domestic appliances, getting your car to its MOT, how you'll get back to pick your car up from its MOT, problems and issues with children/schools/work/career (this list goes on almost to infinity btw). There is NO ONE to help shoulder that burden - share the good times, help you through the bad times. The fully single parent does it all, all the time, it doesn't stop.

Of course, the one benefit is not being saddled with some utter numpty of a man who keeps me awake at night with his noring who I have to come on here to moan about how shit he treats me and how he doesn't respect me etc etc etc - but the price of that freedom is total grinding self-reliance.

I imagine it's not sounding such a fun option now.

I didn't love being a single parent when my dd was a baby because that was quite lonely in terms of not having any proper conversations. She is now 7 and the last few years have been amazing. That said I don't get much of a break at the weekends as I have sole custody.

However I make all the decisions, finically independent and a good career and don't flame me but I am lucky enough to be able to have a live in nanny who does all the house work in the week. Had her since my daughter was 3 months old but I didn't really have a choice I had to go back to work.

I think the main benefit is not having to look after a man child and there is no negotiation on things like holidays, activities, money etc

The main pressure though is definitely money, worrying about providing a future whilst paying the mortgage etc and having no one to share that with.