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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To slightly envy single parents

230 replies

Nobhead · 07/06/2012 20:42

I'm not saying that being a single parent must be a walk in the park, I'm sure it's very difficult in many ways (financially, no "break" etc). My DH has been working away since Tuesday so it's just been me and DS but actually it's been quite nice, easier almost. I have been ready for work earlier in the mornings, DS has gone to bed quicker without DH getting him all giddy before bedtime, I have eaten what I want for tea when I want to, watched what I want on TV, been on MN at night. I haven't had to listen to him moan or distract me in the mornings with the "nobhead where is my football kit, keys, wallet, phone?" or spending all night on twitter and showing me every single thing he or anyone else tweets or retweets.
It's only been for 3 nights and I'm sure the novelty would wear off after a while but I have really enjoyed it. DH asked me on Monday night if I would miss him and I said "yes of course" but I must have had a look on my face that said otherwise because he said "no you won't, you can't wait until I go look at your face" I felt really awful but I was secretly looking forward to it. God I'm a bad person and I probably am being totally U.

OP posts:

sensuallettuce · 07/06/2012 20:56

Really annoys me when people say that I am "lucky" to get a "break" from my kids every other weekend.

Erm the rest of the time I do it ON MY OWN and EX is doing JACK SHIT. I work fucking long hours in a stressful job and deal with all the teenage shit/clubs/dinner on my own. Oh and have to take all the important desicions alone too.

Yes it's great fun

TheSecondComing · 07/06/2012 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Nobhead · 07/06/2012 20:57

Guess I am BU then. I am under no illusion that it must be incredibly hard and lonely at times I've just kind of enjoyed the last few days but I guess that's no comparison to long term. The grass is always greener and all that. Apologies BTW the last thing I wanted to do was offend anyone so I'm sorry if I have in any way

OP posts:

BrianCoxhasSmellySox · 07/06/2012 20:57

I'm a single parent.

I have never had it any other way.

Going against the flow here but I prefer it this way. I just need to figure out how to fit a man into my life.

There are really hard times when I feel I can't cope, there are times when I am ill and I still have to function for DD when all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

I think it's easy to look at the other side of life and think it looks 'better' but it isn't always the case. I have it reasonably easy as a single parent (well, finances aside). So, YANBU if you want my life. But I am a rarity and there are far more people out there struggling on their own who would love to be in your position, with a partner to take some of the strain.

FWIW I am weird and have been on my own so long that I wouldn't know what to do with a bloke living in my house

I get what you are saying though, having that ability to do as you please, eat what you want, have things going your own way - who wouldn't love that. It is a novelty though and I reckon by the end of the week you'll be desperate for OH to come back

McHappyPants2012 · 07/06/2012 20:59

I am not a single parent, but due to oh shift pattern I am on my own 5 days with the dc by Friday I can not wait to dh does the bedtime routine or when he comes home and I can say ds has done well in school or a total nightmare.

I would hate to be a single parent

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/06/2012 21:00

I've been a single parent for seven years now, and I bloody love it.
Ex has loads of input re ds, but the thought of sharing a home and having to compromise all the time is a no brainer.
I work part time, live mostly on benefits, but that is my only option at the moment.
If a perfect man came along, fair enough.
but no one will ever move in with me
I love my singledom.

Proudnscary · 07/06/2012 21:03

Why can't you eat what you like and watch what you like when your dh is at home?

Weird.

mummmsy · 07/06/2012 21:05

am single parent (with no weekends free for dc to go to bio dad) - tis great for all the reasons you mentioned op

NoVegBeforeHerMej · 07/06/2012 21:06

I prefer it on my own. I don't cope very well living with a man.
But I don't know if that's because I haven't found the really right man for me yet.

Was on my own with DD for 8 years, then met and married now xh, had DS, and I've been seperated for 3 years. The 11 years lone parenting have been much less awful than the 3 married ones!

Gentleness · 07/06/2012 21:06

I totally get what you mean having just had dh away for a week. It made me realise all over again how much constant compromise there is in a marriage and how wearing it can be. And how differently I feel about mess when it is all my own doing. And how nice it is to not have to explain things all the time. Typical introvert really - totally relate to your feelings!

Self-edit: this para is not taking into account the financial side at all. I don't diminish how hard it is for single parents or single people but I do tell my single friends who long to be married with a family that marriage is so NOT the answer to being the person you really want to be or having the life you really want to have. Marriage is tough, being single is tough, both have lovely sides, both have hideous sides - not really possible to make any kind of equal comparison.

larks35 · 07/06/2012 21:06

It's funny because I was thinking of starting a thread saying the absolute opposite, but thought it would be insensitive. DP has been working away this week leaving me with DS3.5y and DD 9weeks and the shitist weather ever!

The thing is I work full-time when not of mat leave, but we couldn't afford to keep on with CM while I was on lower income and of course this one week where DP gets some work coincides with pre-school holidays. Oh my effing word these last few days have been hard and HATS OFF to you who manage this type of scenario alone ALL THE TIME, I am struggling.

So, OP I think YABU mainly because 3 days of being a lone parent of 2 has brought me to the edge of sanity!

Mama1980 · 07/06/2012 21:08

Tbh I love being a single parent. I have 2 children, my own house and sure it's tough at times but they are worth it and I love making own decisions, having no one to answer to. I have a dp now but we don't live together and he doesn't parent iyswim. Ultimately though I much prefer to go bed alone most nights and I might be alone but I'm not lonely.

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 07/06/2012 21:13

Don't get me wrong, for myself, apart from the lack of time off, I love being on my own, it's not for myself so much that I mind being a single parent, I have proven to myself I cope far better on my own, it's my children that I worry about, mostly DD as she has to watch her brother go off and play happy families with her dad, which really emphasises how much of a shit her own non-involved father is.

chunkythighs · 07/06/2012 21:17

Oh my fucking God! You 'played' single parent that is all. I hate to point out the obvious but you have no idea what the hell it is like being a single parent!

Your childrens' father heading off for 3 days isn't quite the same as being a single parent, just like stubbing your toe is not quite the same as breaking your leg.

[mad]

TalHotBlond · 07/06/2012 21:19

I always used to joke to my DH (who works ling hours seven days a week leaving me to pick up the house / child care in top of my job) that lone parents get weekends off. I also quite enjoy myself when he goes off on snowboarding holidays for a week at a time. But from what I read here and see irl, the reality would be very different and bloody hard work

TalHotBlond · 07/06/2012 21:20

Ling? Long!

chunkythighs · 07/06/2012 21:32

Not all lone parents get the wkds off talhotblonde

I remember going through my husbands phone a few days after he died-ironically I saw a text I sent him....(he spent a week abroad working a week before he died)- in the text I joked about the trials and tribulations of single parenting.......that text clearly slapped me in the face every day since.

Your partner spending a few days away from you is not the same as raising a child with no father. The Op got my shackles up because it reminded me of that text.

DamnBamboo · 07/06/2012 21:33

Yes but you aren't describing single-parenthood are you.
You're describing your life with your husband being away for a few days.

So not comparable!

YABU I'm afraid.

Just think about it, what if he didn't come back from his trip and you really were a single-parent with all the other stuff that comes with it.

Would you enjoy it then?

AGiraffeUnderTheFloorBoards · 07/06/2012 21:34

I was a single parent to DS for nearly five years but have now been married to DH for 2 years and also have a DD with another due in December. I was honestly just thinking tonight how I don't miss being a single parent whatsoever. I worked in a really stressful job to pay a hefty mortgage and got no financial help from my ExP - who also didn't want to see DS either. I was so lonely and found being a single mum really hard - especially when DS was ill and I had to miss work and had no back up. Physically it was hard as well - I was just exhausted and worried about money and would catch every bug going. Like Hatesponge said, socially being a single mum can be horrible. Going everywhere on my own was such hard work - all the driving, all the looking after DS with no back up. Married friends don't invite you over when their husbands are there because you upset the dynamic. I was miserable to be honest and really wanted a partner who also loved my DS and cared about both of us.

But DS and I are really close and when we talk about when "it was just us" it's like we're sharing a secret special story and we love it - it makes me glad he has happy memories of that time - even though I don't really.

But I did think getting married and having a DH would be some magic solution to stress and of course it hasn't been. Nothing is easy and marriage brings different stresses. But DH is great and DS is happy, I hope. I wouldn't envy a single parent though I am impressed by those who are satisfied with how things are. For me, it was one of the hardest experiences of my life.

NoVegBeforeHerMej · 07/06/2012 21:39

If your DH works 7 days a week you still wouldn't get weekends off as a lone parent TalHot

XH works away on 6/10 week contracts. He likes plenty of 'me time' when he gets back, fishing and stuff, before he decides how much time he can spare DS

I'm sorry for your loss chunkythighs.

Original poster

Nobhead · 07/06/2012 21:40

Oh no Chunky I'm so sorry that's awful for you . I wasn't intending to be insensitive with my post I was just thinking that maybe those who are single could share the pro's, but I know there are a million con's too just the same as there are with having a partner. My friend is a single parent and other than the financial strains she loves it although her and her exp are still on speaking terms are very reasonable with each other and share custody 50/50 and they work well together. Everyone's story is different.

OP posts:

AnyoneForTennis · 07/06/2012 21:40

Where is your DH?? Away at work, earning a wage?

It's no comparison .... Not even slightly

How insulting!

TalHotBlond · 07/06/2012 21:43

Chunky Your situation is one I hadnt even thought about.

I've read a lot of posts from people who are in the unfortunate position of being separated from knobbers who don't bother with their children at all and so get all the added responsibilities and zero time to themselves, support etc. We all like to think our husbands are the decent ones but when it comes down to it, who really knows?

hatesponge · 07/06/2012 21:45

Financially and emotionally supportive Exs are as rare as hens teeth imo.

sensuallettuce · 07/06/2012 21:49

Oh yes - esp once they "move on" get with an evil jealous bitch

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