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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To slightly envy single parents

230 replies

Nobhead · 07/06/2012 20:42

I'm not saying that being a single parent must be a walk in the park, I'm sure it's very difficult in many ways (financially, no "break" etc). My DH has been working away since Tuesday so it's just been me and DS but actually it's been quite nice, easier almost. I have been ready for work earlier in the mornings, DS has gone to bed quicker without DH getting him all giddy before bedtime, I have eaten what I want for tea when I want to, watched what I want on TV, been on MN at night. I haven't had to listen to him moan or distract me in the mornings with the "nobhead where is my football kit, keys, wallet, phone?" or spending all night on twitter and showing me every single thing he or anyone else tweets or retweets.
It's only been for 3 nights and I'm sure the novelty would wear off after a while but I have really enjoyed it. DH asked me on Monday night if I would miss him and I said "yes of course" but I must have had a look on my face that said otherwise because he said "no you won't, you can't wait until I go look at your face" Sad I felt really awful but I was secretly looking forward to it. God I'm a bad person and I probably am being totally U.

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 08/06/2012 10:32

Would you also envy me being sat in A&E with all 3 children till 2am on a Sunday night/morning because 1 had swallowed a magnet and I had no one to watch the other two?

Meglet · 08/06/2012 10:39

sensual I thought that read because I had swallowed a magnet for a minute Grin.

horseygeorgie · 08/06/2012 10:44

YANBU

I am a single parent and i LOVE it! No one to tell me what to do, interfere etc. Bean (DD) and I do what the hell we like, when we want to do it and we do it together. Yes, it can be hard, but i think it would be harder with an annoying, interfering man around actually!

BTW, HIS choice to have nothing to do with his daughter, not mine. He has never even seen her, and given he is an arrogant, drug taking, alcohol sloshing git i think that it may be for the best!

TroublesomeEx · 08/06/2012 10:47

OP, there are nice bits to being a single parent - there are pros and cons to many situations.

I was a single parent for a few years. I didn't have to compromise, no one challenged my parenting style/decisions, I was the master of all I surveyed - I decided our menu, where we went for the day, what we watched on TV, what my son wore. My son didn't have to compete for my attention or my affection.

I did go to university whilst I was a single parent and the lack of distraction and the fact DS was a good sleeper meant I got a first. I was well respected by the lecturers and other students for the fact I didn't use my LP status as an 'extenuating circumstance'.

But I was lonely. Night after night I spent the evening in the living room, on my own, sewing, working, reading, glass painting, playing my instruments... But every night I did it on my own. I was in an unknown area, and in the early days I knew no one, I had no friends, no family support.

Everything I did, I did on my own. When my son spent a week in hospital - I did it on my own. I didn't have a break. The nurses told me other parents were complaining that I wasn't stopping my son from crying and disturbing their children when I needed to get 40 winks in the parents waiting room.

Every funny TV programme I watched/funny incident I witnessed/every AIBU moment/every idea or plan I had, I did it on my own. I had no one to share it with. When I was ill, no one took over looking after DS. No one said "God you look knackered, do you want a cup of tea?"

There was no one to plan the future with, no one to get excited with, no one to share my worries and fears with. I faced every day alone.

No one to tell me it was going to be ok.

No one to tell me to get a grip.

No one who gave a shit about me or DS.

No one.

So yes, by all means, enjoy your alone time with your child, but don't every think that whilst you are doing so you have any idea what it is like to face life completely alone.

And be careful what you wish for.

wordfactory · 08/06/2012 10:49

No no no I don't envy single parents.
I take my hat off to them, but know I would be lost without my DH.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 08/06/2012 10:54

My mother would reach through the laptop, across the ocean and strangle you if she ever saw this thread. Grin

YABVVVVVVU and insensitive.

exoticfruits · 08/06/2012 11:03

I think what it boils down to is that OP is 'cherry picking' the nice parts-anything is great if you can do that!

AuntieHubbard · 08/06/2012 11:08

You don't know what you've got til it's gone. Try arranging time apart, you probably both need it. Don't let this fester. Be firm about his responsibility for his own things, ignore silly questions and don't rise to his childishness.

Time apart is as important as time together.

NicknameTaken · 08/06/2012 11:14

I love being a single parent - a walk in the park after living with exH. And I get lots of free time while DD is with her father. The only fly in the ointment is the constant thrum of anxiety about her wellbeing while she is with him - he was a nasty bully to me, so how can I expect him to be an entirely different person with her?

So on one level I sympathize with the OP, but on another, you're light-heartedly misrepresenting what is painful reality for many people.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 08/06/2012 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treadheavily · 08/06/2012 11:47

I am not remotely offended by your post and somewhat surprised by the number of posters who are.

Infact I find it to be a fairly accurate assessment of single parenthood. I absolutely love the simplicity of being the LP - you don't have to agree/compromise or any of those tricky things, you just say it the way it is.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 08/06/2012 12:19

Sinister I was clearly joking. I'm unaware of my mother's ability to stretch through computers and across oceans.. Confused Calm yourself...I don't condone murder (all the time Grin)

I maintain it was an insensitive comment the OP probably didn't fully think through.

cherrypez · 08/06/2012 12:58

To be completely honest I feel sad when I read your post. My partner left me a week and a half ago, I am now a single mother to 6, trying to hold down a job and run the house. My babies are confused and miss their daddy and I spend every minute wishing I hadn't nagged, hadn't argued. He no longer loves me and the reasons for this are the way I have resented him the past few months, I have changed apparently.

And do you know what...I would have agreed with you a couple of weeks ago, but now I just feel desperately sad that I have lost the only man I ever loved.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 08/06/2012 13:18

Cheerypez, it takes TWO to Tango. It is certainly not 100% your fault (I can't say it's less than 50/50 without knowing the situation) that your husband left. Thanks Wine
If he walked out on SIX children, he can't have been that great of a catch. :( big hugs, flowers and booze for you

BornToFolk · 08/06/2012 13:26

Imagine your DS sobbing for his Daddy at 4am, asking why he can't come home. Then tell me how much you envy single parents.

gettingeasier · 08/06/2012 13:56

Cherrypez be prepared for the scales to fall from your eyes about how your dh really was. In the meantime sorry you are going through this

knowitall my position is as you describe which I know is a huge part of why I am such a happy single parent.

Also my dc are older so I don't have to get babysitter etc.

I do miss sex though

treedelivery · 08/06/2012 14:03

My mum was a single parent and I'm an only child. It was a tight little unit and a really special one. I appreciate all the work and the real solo flight it was for her - so in some ways I do have an unusual view of single parenthood. If I had to do it I would value and encourage that close sealed unit the parent and child can forge. But holy shit it must be brutal hard work, particulary if money worries/health/housing invade. They did in my little family - all the fecking time - but I look back in awe at what my mum did for me.

difficultpickle · 08/06/2012 20:45

tree your mother did really well never letting on to you how difficult it is. I hope I can do the same for my ds. Childhood shouldn't be spoiled by all the things that adults have to worry about.

treedelivery · 08/06/2012 20:58

Well, if it's any comfort to those who struggle (single or not) I always knew that money, bills, food and time were something we didn't actually have a great deal of. I knew about rent and signing on and family allowance books and council offices and being cold. Jesus the cold. I had a supportive gran and all my family grew up in Ireland were life was just like that anyway Grin

Mum also had a life, she bought clothes and makeup and she went out and had takeaways and I met the occasional boyfriend. She also worked 2 jobs at times and was totally and utterly knackered.

Nothing was spoiled by her, the tough gritty bits of life tried their best and my mum tried her best to control that and keep us going regardless. I know what that took. SHe didn't tell me life was hard, but I was a partner and a player in it and could see and feel it was hard. Also good. Also fun. Also hard.

I am now v v v v independent, resourceful, pretty bright considering my education, have achieved fairly well considering where I lived and went to school, pretty happy-go-lucky, an impossible spendthrift and a true pragmatist. Thats what that parenting 'style' gets you.

So that's not so bad then Grin So don't feel bad if you have to be honest and realistic and even need help from your children at times. Life is like that isn't it?

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 08/06/2012 21:17

My DH works away between 4 and 6 months of a year. I miss him terribly when he first goes, but I do enjoy the things that you have pointed out as well, like watching Casualty without him moaning, as much MN as I like etc!

Having said that, I would love it if his job meant that he didn't have to go away, and I would really hate to be a single parent. I often think I would quite like a week or so every couple of months of peace rather than large blocks of time and that way I could really enjoy it without missing him so much!!! :)

redwineformethanks · 08/06/2012 21:51

I think your comment "I'm sure it's very difficult in many ways (financially, no "break" etc)" is a bit dismissive, as these are really big issues for many single parents

allthingspossible · 08/06/2012 22:40

OP that is a very flippant and generalised comment.

Having grown up with 2 other siblings in a LP family in the 70's (treedelivery I really understood your post re your childhood!) I can see both sides of this.

Having found myself as a LP myself the last 8 years with 2 still under 12 it has been a gruelling experience in all respects, but particularly emotionally, exacerbated, of course, financially by the steady decline in the economic climate and just how hard is is to keep going on all levels and keep trying so very hard as a full-time working parent to make ends meet and juggle my children's needs. All of them. Always alone.

I do feel that it is a very rare person who can actually truly understand the implications of being a lone parent, particularly where the other parent is not/rarely there emotionally or physically as in my case.
I only truly understood what it had been like for my mum when I found myself in the same situation. Even my sisters do not really "get it" and assume, as I am strong emotionally, that day to day life is no "biggie" once the dust has settled and life goes on...

It can never be compared to the "time-out" situation as the OP describes.

LucieMay · 09/06/2012 00:07

Tree, what a lovely inspiring post that is for someone like me who is raising an only child alone. I grew up in a happy stable two parent family with two siblings so I often fed guilty that I haven't been able to offer my ds the same and that I have no clue how it really feels for my little boy to grow up without a daddy or siblings.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 09/06/2012 00:43

Oh dear, I get why you say this, but it makes me feel very very sad, & very far from your world. You are not unreasonable to enjoy time without your spouse... But NEVER think its the same as being a single parent.

Some of my friends say this sort of thing in a 'bonding' way to me, as in, look we re all the same. But NO it's not the same & I think people trivialise the hardship of being a single mother to make themselves feel better about the world.

Being a single mum isn't all bad, but that's when you've had to give up so so much in order to find a way to get through each day - its lonely, scary & alienating.

Sorry I know you don't mean to, but that kind of statement makes me feel even more alone than I already am

BorisJohnsonsHair · 09/06/2012 00:57

I was a single parent for 5 years, and have been in a relationship now for 10 years. I understand what you mean about being able to do your own thing, but being part of a couple is definitely preferable. Really, it is.

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