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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To slightly envy single parents

230 replies

Nobhead · 07/06/2012 20:42

I'm not saying that being a single parent must be a walk in the park, I'm sure it's very difficult in many ways (financially, no "break" etc). My DH has been working away since Tuesday so it's just been me and DS but actually it's been quite nice, easier almost. I have been ready for work earlier in the mornings, DS has gone to bed quicker without DH getting him all giddy before bedtime, I have eaten what I want for tea when I want to, watched what I want on TV, been on MN at night. I haven't had to listen to him moan or distract me in the mornings with the "nobhead where is my football kit, keys, wallet, phone?" or spending all night on twitter and showing me every single thing he or anyone else tweets or retweets.
It's only been for 3 nights and I'm sure the novelty would wear off after a while but I have really enjoyed it. DH asked me on Monday night if I would miss him and I said "yes of course" but I must have had a look on my face that said otherwise because he said "no you won't, you can't wait until I go look at your face" Sad I felt really awful but I was secretly looking forward to it. God I'm a bad person and I probably am being totally U.

OP posts:
HaleAndPacemaker · 07/06/2012 22:32

YABU

There are lots of different types of lone parent. I would imagine that those who have some form of ex to call about child related issues, or to ask for help (for example) have less of a hard time than those with 100% responsibility.

If you have problems in your current relationship it might be worth posting in the relationship topic for advice :)

difficultpickle · 07/06/2012 22:38

HaleAndPacemakerthat's true. I always think of a lone parent as exactly that - alone. Sharing custody means you still have two parents that take an interest in their dcs and share the cost, decisions etc. The hardest thing about being a truly lone parent is not having anyone else to share all the decisions you have to make as a parent.

Noqontrol · 07/06/2012 22:41

You've got every right to stamp your feet as spectacularly as you want chunkythighs. And I'm sure you're doing a bloody great job of parenting.

kingbeat23 · 07/06/2012 22:41

I can say that being a single parent was better than the bullshit that I dealt with when with XDP, however, I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I know you were trying to have a slightly light-hearted thread OP, but you failed. Miserably.

Be thankful for your DP when he gets home, every last inch. Your children will be brought up in a household where they know that BOTH of their parents give a damn about them, will bother with them, will be around for them. And in your time of thinking it might be easier, think of those of us that deal with feckless, absent fathers that don't give a damn about anyone apart from themselves and the next drink/drug/shag/whateverbutisntthierchildren

LucieMay · 07/06/2012 22:42

And as someone else has pointed out, the hardest bit (for my situation) is not my lack of a partner, but DS's lack of a dad. DS has shed many tears over him (don't want to divulge the full situation) and many more to come in the future as he grows i expect.

splashymcsplash · 07/06/2012 22:47

YABU

Time alone occasionally is great. Being a single parent is completely different.

Things I hate about being a single parent: the loneliness (it's just me and my preverbal dd living together), the lack of money, the lack of a break, the lack of practical/emotional support. Mostly the loneliness. My friends are either childless so living a very different life, and going out, or in happy relationships, so spending evenings and weekends all loved up. I don't know any single parents.

In short, it's shit. What makes it even worse (and I'm not saying it's you at all) is the judgy attitude you get from people, and the people who think absent fathers should be let off the hook.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 07/06/2012 22:50

Nob when you're taking DS to a lovely "family" day out at the beach and all you can see are Dad's playing "Dad type games" with their sons...and you're sat there alone...then come and say what you said.

LucieMay · 07/06/2012 22:53

@ thehouse... saddest occasion for me recently was DS playing his first proper football match and me and his grandad stood on the sidelines cheering him on while all the other lads had their dads there. Broke my heart for DS.

exoticfruits · 07/06/2012 22:57

I know exactly what you mean LucieMay - having to make a father's day card at school for grandad was my most upsetting point. Having a few days alone is nothing like.

makemineapinot · 07/06/2012 22:58

My 10 year old DS told me tonight he wants a dad for father's day - any dad really cos his is so rubbish. Deal with that every night at 3 am. It's crap, really crap. My EXH was a tosser - away for work a lot and I thought then how like a single parentI was - hahahahaha!!! The mortgage was paid and there was always someone on the end of a phone. Now It's me. Just Me. I've just finished my teacher training - try a post grad with a part time job and 2 kids on your own (not fun) so am not working till after the summer hols. So great timing for EXH to declare he is 'unemployed' and not signing on. IE cash in hand work - no maintenance while he swanns about. I ahve a mortgage to pay and kids to feed. And if you go out/go on holiday you're the one sitting alone with a book while everyone else is enjoying themselves. I have had fab holidays as a single mum - camping abroad - but hotels etc you are soooooo on your own and stand out so much. If you enjoy sitting in a restaurant, surrounded by happy smiling couples, by yourself on the holiday you have give nup so much for (while your dc play) then go for it. Or even better - sitting on abalcony alone while your dc sleep and everyone else is having fun as happy families. Always on the outside... Anyway I know you didn't mean to offend but yep, YABU!!! Gonna stop now as ranting!!

Sunflower6 · 07/06/2012 23:03

YABU

My husband left me seven weeks ago. Aside from the pain I feel at him leaving to see my children's faces when they cry because they miss their daddy is heartbreaking. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. It is such hard work doing everything on your own and when they are at their dads I miss them so much. There isn't anything positive I can say about the situation for me it's hard work, so very lonely and heartbreaking and seeing other families together is very painful.

LucieMay · 07/06/2012 23:06

@ exotic- I know, I hate father's day. I mainly just ignore it but this year DS's school are having a father's day meal where the dads/anyone else in lieu can come in. I asked DS if he wanted his grandad to come in instead but he said no. I didn't make a big deal of it but again I felt so sorry for poor DS. My DS is such a good boy and deals with it all so well but my heart aches for him a great deal of the time. I don't put this sadness onto him but i carry it around with me all of the time.

mamalovesmojitos · 07/06/2012 23:07

YABa bit U. Im sure you don't mean to
offend op, but you sound like you don't have a clue what it's like to be a single parent. I can see why that would infuriate some.

tittytittyhanghang · 07/06/2012 23:15

YANBU, ive been both and there are pros and cons with each. At least being a single parent you know what to expect, don't have anyone else to think about (bar children), and if ex is a decent father you even get a night or two off a week. Of course there is the loneliness, the no-one to turn to. Financially it just depends.

seefooddiet · 07/06/2012 23:18

I love, love LOVE being a single parent, so much so that if I was on my own for the rest of time Id be perfectly happy
I love not having to consult with anyone about anything, I love that I only have to make DS and myself happy, I dont mind not getting a break because it means I dont have to share my boy
I love that my wages are only for us, I dont mind that I get no maintenance because it means I have nothing to thank XP for
I love going to my big bed on my own at 8pm if I want to
And most of all I love looking at my bright, friendly, funny, loveable little mate and knowing that its all down to ME!

I know its tough, financially hard and lonely for some but I dont think its that bad, you certainly didnt offend me OP

Original poster
Nobhead · 07/06/2012 23:22

Yes Hale and bisjo I guess I was thinking about a situation where DH and I wouldn't live together, share custody, each would have time to ourselves at some point and share responsibilty (like my friend), it ain't always like though is it. Those who are single but not out of choice (widowed, partner buggered off with someone else) or because their DC's father wants feck all to do with them have a rough time.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/06/2012 23:25

I don't think YABU. But thats because I had a great experience being a single parent. Even though I was a single parent, I was still a co parent, my children have a great Dad so I was never properly alone.

My dh has two nights away planned soon. I know I will really miss him, but I am looking forward to it too. I intend to eat an entire packet of digestives in one sitting like I did when I was young and single pre dc.

FrankWippery · 07/06/2012 23:35

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable, but I'm sure that you are very aware that there is simply no comparison.

I am now a single parent for the second time and this time is so very much harder and I hate it.

The first time I was young, in my twenties and with three children. My ex husband and I split very amicably simply because we were too young. We maintained an excellent relationship, not just for our children, but for us too. I was devastated when he died a couple of months ago, devastated that our three teenage children on the cusp of adulthood (18, 17 and 15) have lost an awesome parent.

This time...well I am nearly 42 and have a 3 year old whose father couldn't be more of a feckless twat if he tried. He hasn't seen our daughter for 8 weeks, he hasn't contributed financially towards her in almost 6 months and I haven't had a break in fuck knows how long.

I don't know why, but I was never lonely the first time round, perhaps it was because I had three children who needed me constantly and thus I didn't have time to think about it? Most of the time now though, it is just me and DD3 and much as I adore the very bones of her, the conversational skills of a 3 year old are crap. I have never felt so lost and lonely as I do this time round and I wouldn't wish this side of single parent 'freedom' on anyone. Ever.

beansmum · 07/06/2012 23:36

I'm not sure if YABU or not...
You are not being unreasonable to enjoy having a bit of time without your dh. You are being (extremely) unreasonable to compare your dh being away for 3 days with single parenting. It's not the same thing at all.

That said, I love being a single parent, and can't imagine living with anyone else. I have no friends of family nearby, we have never had any contact with ds's father and I'm on benefits while I'm studying full-time. Not the ideal situation for lots of reasons, but I am very happy. ds is awesome, and I get to be the boss and run my own life without considering anyone else (apart from ds, obviously).

I honestly don't know how I would cope with fitting a man into my life. Every single man I spend any time with asks me out eventually, but it's just not worth the hassle. Last night I went to bed in my onesie at 8.30pm, with a whole mini brie and a pile of reading. I could probably do that with a man around, but I'm not sure I would.

beansmum · 07/06/2012 23:38

friends or family

Oppsididitagain · 07/06/2012 23:40

YANBU I was a single parent for 16 years and whilst it's not easy I much prefered it to this time round when I'm not single i find having a boyfriend far more stressfull and far harder work than not having one

happybubblebrain · 07/06/2012 23:47

YANBU
I really, really like being a single parent. I wouldn't give it up for any man. It's great having time to yourself and being able to do whatever you want. I think dd and I have a much better relationship than we would if her dad was around. We have a great time. I think the positives far outweigh the negatives.

happybubblebrain · 07/06/2012 23:50

I agree the downsides are never having a break, not even when you're ill, and being tied to the house in the evenings, unless you have a good babysitter. Small price to pay though.

runnindownadream · 07/06/2012 23:53

Well my dh is frequently away with work so I can see where you are coming from but its not an true comparison Tbh.

Dh is away anything up to 5 nights a week, often little or no notice. Sometimes its great (lots of ds time and cuddles for me! And total tv remote control) and sometimes its bloody awful (lots of toddler tantrums and tears in the night asking for daddy which you can't deliver and eating your tea at 10pm when the dc won't go to sleep)

But dh is always on the other end of a phone, always supportive and always comes home on a Friday night.

MagicHouse · 07/06/2012 23:55

As a single parent I don't find your post offensive. Of course it's tough at times, when you or the kids are ill, or you're exhausted and having to do everything yourself. But then for me, I pretty much did all that myself AND had to put up with a dire relationship, so on the whole my life now is lovely for all the reasons you give :) The novelty hasn't worn off in nearly a year and doesn't look like it will anytime soon!
(I think you should maybe think about your relationship though, and what he's giving you, because I don't think you would be feeling like that in a happy, supportive relationship- I think you would be just missing him if things were great, or else enjoying the break but not secretly imagining it going on indefinitely!!)