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Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 19:28

So basically sensual lettuce you're saying it's the lesser of two evils, that's how your comment comes across to me anyway.

A married man shouldn't do either, and advocating one just because it's not as bad and seemingly 'more honest' doesn't wash with me either.

Ishoes · 04/06/2012 19:28

Is that really the standard you set for yourself?-you would be happier for your dp/dh to pay for it than pick up a random? wow. really?

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 19:29

I'm glad that I know my partner comes to me and only me, and if he did have any fantasy in his mind he knows damn well I'll play it out. I suppose I'm lucky?

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 19:37

Me and my OH have a great sex life and are very much in love (we just got engaged).

If he wants to go to a strip club (he never has since I have been with him - think they did all go to one but he went back to the hotel and phoned me instead) it wouldn't bother me. He always tells and shows me how sexy he thinks I am.

This is the crux of the issue for the OP surely? Her OH is making her feel like shit and on top of this going to strip bars.

Going to a strip club is not the same as picking up randoms and being unfaithful - its indulging in a safe fantasy.

He has never done either though.

MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 19:43

No decent man goes to a strip club, he may look respectable, he may present himself well, but, his flaw is glaringly obvious. He is transactional when it comes to his intimacies. Who really wants or needs to keep a man like that?

The only people who do are the people emptying out his pockets for him, that's who!

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 19:45

My DP is always going on about me and I know we're both madly in love and without giving too much info our sex life is amazing, but that doesn't mean I'd be okay with some woman shaking her fandango in his face, and him enjoying it. Because that's what it's all about. Your man enjoying another woman.

If you're okay with your partner getting his rocks off over another woman than that's your prerogative, but I can't help but find it strange.

rhondajean · 04/06/2012 19:45

It makes absolutely no difference whether any of us think the strip club is or isn't ok.

What matters is that it upsets the op, it's beyond her limits, and when she tells her husband he treats her like crap.

There was a thread not so long ago about a woman going to meet an ex and her partner not wanting her to. It's the same principle, (that one had a happy ending), if you love someone, you treat them with respect and if something would make them really unhappy you don't do it. Within the obvious limits of legality, morality etc.

For me there is absolutely no debate here. The husband has no respect for the op and is willing to risk everything because either he doesn't value it or he doesn't think he will lose it.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 19:48

Youre absolutely right rhondajean, I shouldn't be having this debate. My heart really goes out t the OP.

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 19:49

Spot on Rhonda

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 19:50

Well he doesn't - but he watches a hell of a lot of porn when we are apart - which for me is the same - it doesn't bother me - he's in the Navy - he has needs which I cannot physically fufill - we spend up to 9 months apart.

I know a lot of his colleagues fuck about on their wives because unfortunately when you get a load of blokes together they can behave badly. That's the truth - whether you choose to accept that us another matter.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 19:51

sensuallettuce I want to be non-confrontational now because I really want you to read this. Your DF has used prostitutes in the past, paid women to have sex with him. This was overseas so could have been in places which women are routinely enslaved and exploited. You have told him that this is fine because he was not happy in his sex life and his exW is a bitch. In fact, it is honest and you approve.

What happens if your sex life goes through a rough patch, you get ill or depressed, you have a traumatic birth or have a sexual assault and can't face sex? What happens if you piss each other off or go through a period when you can't stand the sight of each other? Rather than separating or Relate or divorce, you have given him permission to buy sex from a prostitute.

Be very careful and go into this with your eyes open. I personally wouldn't be with someone who used prostitutes. There is some debate about strip clubs and exploitation, there is no debate with sex workers.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 19:59

I said his ex is a friend?! I would never call her a bitch? :(

He is on a Submarine so am not too worried.

We won't be having any kids as we have quite a few already. I have NOT given him permission to use prostitutes - I have told him I understood why he did before. I have also told him if he sleeps with anyone else that is it - end of no second chances.

His first marriage is not our relationship Hmm.

My first husband also used prostitutes before he met me -he was the most loyal partner I could've asked for.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 20:00

I have said I wouldn't be bothered if he went to a strip club - not use a prostitute Hmm - and since we have been together he has done neither.

FreudianSlipper · 04/06/2012 20:03

why are some women still falling for that line i need to have sex or watch porn/strippers/paying for sex fulfills that need. its a desire not a need

we can all satisfy ourselves with our own hands (or toy) no one needs to pay for another to do this for them

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 20:03

I was interpreting the conversation about spending all his money and laughing about it as him thinking she was a bitch. I find it hard to understand that she is a friend who you know was cheated on with prostitutes by their ExH and you haven't told her. If one of my friends knew that and didn't tell me... Their marriage is not your marriage but the best indicator of future performance is past performance.

I just think that using prostitutes shows a lack of respect and empathy for women. You are paying someone who does not want to have sex with you to have sex with you. I think the transaction itself is abusive Then there is whether he had sex with them in Thailand (likely to be trafficked and probably started doing it as children), or other locations around the world. where women and children are horribly abused.

perceptionreality · 04/06/2012 20:03

Get rid of him OP, he's a total bastard. Anyone who says that to you has no respect for you at all. Tell him it's no wonder he'll never have a fit woman (including you) because of his shit personality!!

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 20:09

Firstly - she became a friend because she is my OH's ex - I am her kids step-mother.

I don't spend any of his money as I have my own career - just as he no longer sleeps with prostitutes - he is a human being who has grown up and evolved - our relationship is totally different.

Not all prostitutes don't want to have sex the example you use is an extreme.

High class escorts over here are quite shrewd actually.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 20:17

NO prostitute wants to have sex, sensuallettuce - they do it because men pay them. They need to earn money. You surely know this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 20:23

It's interesting that none of the many, many sex workers I have worked with were happy and excited to be doing it. All were messed up, addicted, abused as children or a combination. All the men I have heard about using them are under the impression that they LOVE doing it. I wonder what the actual truth is.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 20:25

Hmmm, now, Mrs TP let's think, shall we...?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 20:27

I believe some people would rather we didn't think.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 20:30

wiggles hand

I wont go untik detail of how nd why, but I know a woman who works as a nurse, who is a prostitute on the side. She does it because she is a sex addict (self confessed) and the money is an added bonus.

I think she's one in a million though

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 04/06/2012 20:33

Op sex industry aside the way he is talking to you is not at all acceptable. Sounds like your having a rubbish time and hope your ok.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 20:34

Maybe addictions counseling would help her. Rather than putting herself in the way of rapists, violent abusers and the like. A huge number of sex workers are raped, beaten or killed. Also, if she has a sex addiction she is also possibly in all my categories above.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 20:36

Actually shes extremely safe where she works, in a parlour rather than on he own.

Although I do agree, she should address the addiction rather than succumbing to it. BUT if she's happy then that's up to her, and she likes the extra money so...

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