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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
ledkr · 04/06/2012 15:28

worra That is a good point. I wouldnt like dh to have a lap dance because I would feel shit about him looking at other womens perfect bodies when mine has been ruined from having his kids and id also object to the money being used when it could be better spent. Simple as.

The exploitation arguement is something im trying to get my head around as I have 2 dd's but I will put my hands up and say the real reason.

If he did have a lap dance id be bloody fuming btw Grin and I probably would do my best to get my revenge (shag his mate or brother,something like that haha)

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 15:31

There is the issue of exploitation, there is also the issue of infidelity. If you turn it around and the OP was sending pictures of her breasts to someone at work... Showing/being shown body parts is fine according to her DH, right? I bet he would be livid. So, what is the difference? The relationship is the same, someone in a relationship is partaking in nudity with someone else. Just because money changes hands that is supposed to make it BETTER???

Bethan31 · 04/06/2012 15:35

Op, I really feel for you and best of luck with your decision. I can assure you there are lots of decent men out there who don't agree with porn and strip clubs.

I am not ashamed to say I'm a feminist, as is my dh. We share all the chores, he's great round the house and a kind and generous person. Not all men are interested in strip clubs, mine would rather make a family meal and spend as much time as possible with his wife and child.

Hugs xx

thatisall · 04/06/2012 15:42

I would not be bothered about the strip club on a stag do `( I don't thing :-S) and would be pleased that my hubby had been so honest. I imagine there are many gf and wives ho won't have been told or will have been lied to; be proud that your relationship is more honest.

I WOULD however be bothered about this:

he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough

If he never cares what you think or how you feel, if things always have to be his way...that is a bigger problem than the strip club, no?

Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 16:25

There is no talking to him he doesnt listen to my opinion. I will have to apply for housing I guess if that fails stay with family or something don't have anywhere else to go and not sure I'll get housing with us having a mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 16:27

Yes I guess it is a bigger problem but I'm only just realising.

OP posts:
Original poster
Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 17:42

Just had a massive row again about it and he turned round and said well I'll never have a well fit women so that's why I did it :-( ;-(

OP posts:
LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 17:46

Oh God, Traybo2 - that's absolutely horrible. A truly horrible thing to say. Big hug across the ether to you.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 17:47

Sad that's HORRIBLE :(

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 17:56

Traybo2, I'm so sorry. There are definitely bigger issues. If you've just joined today, you may not know there is a really good section called Relationships on Mumsnet. Some great and supportive people hang out there. You could start a thread on that board and see what comes up or just read some of the threads people have started.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 18:14

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Is he for real? Get your ass out of there RIGHT now. You deserves someone much better than that. He needs a big sharp shock and you're the one to give it to him. He will realise!!!

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 18:15

Yeah agreed with MrsTerry. I'm not the best person to comment on relationships because I get angry and want to smash heads together.

raspberrytipple · 04/06/2012 18:53

"apparently the private dance is at a minimum of 3ft separation and no contact or the club risks been shut down"

This isn't true, the whole point of private lap dance is touch, they sit on your other half and touch him, it's only him that isn't allowed to touch. It's the same as a lap dance in the open bit but behind closed doors.

Actually I was quite surprised earlier, they showed some strippers on 'dont tell the bride' earlier today, they were slightly clothed but the guy was tied in the middle and one girl was bent in front of him and I thought I saw her licking or kissing his lips? Looked VERY close TBH.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 18:59

When I went to Spearmint Rhino a couple of yrs ago (Confused) we were given a talk (like in a museum visit Grin) before we went in and were told we weren't allowed to touch the girls.

MeCookGoodSock · 04/06/2012 19:02

Traybo2, someone who loves you would not speak to you like that. We all deserve to be respected and treasured by our significant others. It's time to go. Before you know it, you will be looking back on this with disbelief that you put up with his grief!

Charliefox · 04/06/2012 19:03

Dear me, some really strange views on here. Men can be decent, adore their wives, want to spend time with their kids, can be from any and every walk of life, be a dustbin man or the CEO, be a feminist whatever that means but still having raging testosterone and want to see different bodies than that of their partners from time to time. Does not make them bad people or mean that the country is going to the dogs and everyone is degenerate. Sniffy or what some people on here. Pass the smelling salts round.

OP, am so so sorry your H has said that to you. What an awful thing to say. Inconsiderate twonk. I've never had a man disrespect me and I would never put up with it either. Men are there to help you feel good about yourself, bolster your self confidence and make you feel worthy. He is doing the opposite. I hope you feel strong enough to do what the right thing is for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 19:06

I could have raging hormones and want to shag the firefighters I work with. Doesn't make it right to do it though. Poor, poor men, at the mercy of their hormones. Utter twaddle.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 04/06/2012 19:09

I don't believe men who buy women are decent.

Ishoes · 04/06/2012 19:14

If men have a "need" to see other womens bodies and to have them gyrate all over them then why are there not similiar establishments for women?Hmm-do we not have needs? since when did it become a law that men MUST go to strip clubs on their stag nights?

I love the fact that there are women on here who think they are some how cool or more secure in their marriage for allowing their husbands to basically get a wank off a stripperGrin I for one am glad that I apparently have "self steem" issues because if my dh told me he had been to one of these places I would rip his bollocks off and shove them up his own arse...

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 19:16

When my OH was with his first wife (who I am friends with) he would spend 6 months at sea and she woukdn't want "marital relations" when he got home. So when he was abroad he would pay for sex - although to this day she doesn't know this.

She spent all his money while he was away though and has laughed about it when she told me.

I don't blame him for paying for sex - it was for him the best damage limitation thing to do in the situation he was in IMO.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2012 19:16

There are men who pay for that kind of thing too Ishoes.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 19:16

Ishoes that's amazing hahaha.

I'm probably a bit hypocritical right now because I don't mind my DP watching porn (in fact I enjoy it with him) but I would have serious words if he went for a private lap dance.

But then again, one is fantasy one is actually acting it out.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/06/2012 19:18

Traygo, how sad for your husband that the only way he can get a 'well fit' woman is to pay for her. Says much more about him than you.

Agree with plenty - decent men don't buy women.

Ishoes · 04/06/2012 19:24

To be perfectly honest I am not that bothered about the whole exploitation argument-prositution is never going to go away.

I am concerned that there appears to be so many women who have been brain washed into thinking that its perfectly acceptable for their husbands to be wanked off-because lets face that is what they are doing when they are grinding on them-and that if you dare to tell your dh that hell no will he going to a strip club then some how you are a killjoy or a prudeHmm

My sex life has been far from vanilla[sorry tmi!-but I find the idea of married men frequenting these places and then going home to their wives and kids frankly repulsive.

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 19:26

I think it's a lot more honest.

How many men spend all night chatting up women in bars and then have a quick shag and go home to their wives?

That disgusts me - not strip clubs.

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