Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs/private dances

264 replies

Traybo2 · 04/06/2012 08:59

Im sure youv probly read this before. Iv just joined today as need to talk about this. My hubby recently went on a stag do. I thought they would end up in a strip club, totally get that. But I asked him if he paid for a private dance, and his reply was yes. I'm pretty damn hurt by this and he knew I would be. Iv never been a confident person anyway but to be honest I'm not happy at the thought of him paying a stranger to parade around butt naked in front of him rubbing up against him etc etc. So yes we had words about it, he's saying I'm wrong and too possessive, I said if it were the other way round he would not be happy. And he just says he wouldn't care when I know I'd get the third degree, but it's not something I would do anyway. Then he turns round and says every stag do I go on I'd do the same. I don't see how we can move forward as he has complete disregard for my feelings and just writes them off, he does this frequently. It's his way or no way and iv had enough. We are married, been married 3 years, together 12, and have 2 kids. Some of you will think im over reacting. Would just like to know how you would feel in this situation really, thanks

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:45

We are going to a protest later today re human rights for another country. Should we not go because I might have a cup of tea on the way that isnt fair trade?

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 14:45

I don't think that the direction this thread is taking is particularly helpful to the OP. We've gone from a very disrespectful husband to teabags.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/06/2012 14:47

Good for you Traybo - I would honestly do the same. If my dh turned round to me and said what your dh has said to you I would assume he had had some sort of personality transplant. He would not be the man I thought he was, and like you, I couldn't stay with a man who disregarded my feelings so easily.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 14:47

I've never seen anyone advised to leave their DP because they didn't buy fair trade chocolate and tea bags.

Well to be frank, I think that's because you're not really seeing anyone all that shocked that a man who thinks that buying sexual gratification from women is OK turns out to be a bit disrespectful towards women in his personal life. It's a bit of a sign, the old lapdancing clubs.

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:48

I can picture the op and her dh in their kitchen. He has just admitted his private dance and whilst she is berating him he points out her hypocrisy of drinking a cup of non-fair trade tea.

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 14:48

I think it is unhelpful to deny that there are no medical students who happily did a bit of lap dancing when at uni. Especially when you say you haven't met one so it's hard to believe it could be true.

I think denying they exist then makes it much harder to credibly argue they are the minority, which is a real shame.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 14:50

My point is, there are people who use the 'exploitation' angle as an excuse.

They might as well just be honest and say they don't like other women waving their tits and fannies in their DH's faces...fair enough.

Why not just say that, instead of pretending to be bothered about the possibly exploited women....when they don't give a shit about the possibly exploited women picking their tea/coco beans etc?

Yes we all have a favourite 'cause' but this is just hypocrisy imo.

rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 14:53

Err, no, I wouldnt like someone doing this to my dh but I do disagree with the exploitation more.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 14:53

Worra I had the exact same thought when I made a topic about porn, everyone was apparently against it because of the exploitation of women, not because they didn't like their men watching it because it was naked women. I didn't believe EVERYONE was that bothered about exploitation.

I was flamed to death.

ApocalypseThen · 04/06/2012 14:54

Especially when you say you haven't met one so it's hard to believe it could be true.

Not only medical students, students full stop. I have never met any student who did lapdancing, or harboured any ambition to do it.

I think denying they exist then makes it much harder to credibly argue they are the minority, which is a real shame.

I didn't deny they exist, I deny that it's as common as people who wish to promote and normalise lapdancing say. I don't see how the fact that I haven't met any means that it's harder to say that they're in a minority, to be honest.

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 14:55

Sorry - you seemed to be implying they didn't exist, rather than they were a minority.

Your post could certainly be read that way.

ilovesooty · 04/06/2012 14:56

I agree with Worra too.

In this case I imagine the OP is, understandably, concerned about her own situation. I doubt if wide ranging discussion about whether the women are abused is at all helpful to her.

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 14:56

These threads pop up every couple of weeks WhiteWidow and they're basically all the same.

Lots of 'worry' about the women in the sex industry by people who wear designer clothes/shoes/handbags etc...

Personally, I'd rather admit to being jealous as hell.

If you can't be honest on an anonymous chat forum where can you be?

But that's just my opinion anyway.

ilovesooty · 04/06/2012 14:59

And I bet most of the non participating husbands either are just not interested or know their wives wouldn't like it, rather than have strong feelings about the expoitation of women in any wider sense.

RubyFakeNails · 04/06/2012 15:01

FFS all I said is I was never confident enough, that was my reason. I wasn't confident enough to be naked publicly or with a stranger. I was talking about my personal experience or am I not entitled to that, must I only speak for womankind or not all.

This is all such bollocks, on mn your sharing your opinions. If you don't agree with certain posts you are either too stupid or too chavvy or too ignorant or some other shite to possibly be correct.

I've been upfront about my personal choices with dh and my experiences, I didn't say I'm right and your wrong I just said this is my feelings and how I have experienced it in my life.

And for the the record, my dh is not disrespectful to women in his personal life he is bloody lovely.

jellybeans · 04/06/2012 15:02

'I think there's far too much pressure on women to accept this stripping business and ignore their own feelings.'

'I don't like it, but I tolerate it because I know they're par for the course on most stag do's now'

I agree with the above. YANBU. I think we should get this culture to die, it is sick and no good for our daughters or society as a whole. Why did it become so 'accepted'. Why do some women convince themselves it is OK? It isn't. It is sick.

WhiteWidow · 04/06/2012 15:06

I think it's ridiculous that if a woman doesn't like her partner acting as though he is single, she's labelled controlling, insecure, old fashioned...

perceptionreality · 04/06/2012 15:07

I haven't read the whole thread but a private dance would make me very mad!! In my opinion that is cheating - the women don't exactly dance, and are almost right on top of the man (in the 'dances' I've seen) and the man often comes as a result.

That isn't at all the same as gazing across a room at some topless woman dancing around a pole imo.

perceptionreality · 04/06/2012 15:08

If you interact with someone who makes you come, whether they touch you or not (same with phone or internet sex) then that is definitely cheating!

I would never say that watching porn is cheating btw but this is something else.

FreudianSlipper · 04/06/2012 15:15

a thread likes this pops up every few weeks it jsut goes to show how many women are not happy with their partner going but feel they should be as it is part of being sexually liberated

the sex industry has nothing to do with sexual liberation

only you op can decide what is acceptable in your relationship. that he is ignoring your feelings once again is the problem here. itis natural to feel that you do not want another women to be so sexual with your partner it is also natural to feel uncomfortable with the fact your partner has paid another women to gain sexual gratification for himself if neither bother you thats ok but if they do then along with all the other incidents where he ignores your feelings something has to change becasue he will not you have to (and hopefully he will follow)

Heyyyho · 04/06/2012 15:15

I sincerely doubt he would he happy if you paid to have a guy run his cock in your face.
Unlikely you would though isn't it?
I don't think he sounds like a nice guy to be with.

FreudianSlipper · 04/06/2012 15:21

and when i said you have to change i meant you have to be clear what is and is not ok with you try to take control of you life and what you want out of this relationship

Latara · 04/06/2012 15:23

My sister went to a strip club once with an ex-boyfriend & his mates... basically she was reassured that she was prettier than the women there, but the boyfriend & his mates STILL kept going to this place & similar...
After breaking up with him for unrelated reasons - she got to know a strip club owner through a mutual friend. (I call them 'strip clubs' because take away the pole & lap-dancing, & that is what they are.)
The strip club owner said that yes, the girls could offer unofficial 'extras' during private dances. Also many were addicted to cocaine at least. The girls were mainly Russian & working there to earn drugs (from him i'd think) & money to escape poverty in their home countries.
The male customers go there & pay for whatever but that is a choice they make. They leave after watching the dancing (or more) with reputations intact.
But it sounds like many girls ARE exploited.

And when they decide to leave the club - whatever they do next; & however short their employment in the club; once people find out about their former job - they will always be defined as a former stripper, exotic dancer, & potential prostitute.

LapisBlue · 04/06/2012 15:23

OP - what are your practical next steps? When do you think you will leave - and/or how will you be speaking to Mr. Sleazy OH about all this?

HRHcatgirl1976 · 04/06/2012 15:26

Leaving aside the issue of what he did for a second and focusing on his reaction to you being upset / angry......

If you have always rolled over / backed down before then he has no reason to think things will be any different this time.

He is probably thinking, "well I will retalitiate to her anger / hurt by going "all guns blazing" and giving her ultimatums. and making it all about her and "her issues" That way, she will back down like she always does and I can carry on behaving how I like with no consequences"

Perhaps you need to let him know that there are consequences and you will not tolerate being dismissed and disrespected.

Easier said than done when patterns and behaviours are ingrained, but you are clearly unhappy and it sounds like it is too easy for him to get you to back down for a quiet life