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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is very wrong?

215 replies

47to31in7days · 04/06/2012 02:15

www.newsrt.co.uk/news/teachers-at-salford-school-help-girl-pupil-15-have-abortion-without-telling-her-parents-488772.html

They ask for CONSENT FORMS to take the kids to a museum in the town centre during school hours...
or to rub sun lotion on little ones...
and they can't use corporal punishment on misbehaving pupils (quite rightly so IMO) even WITH parental consent, while mild smacking is still legal at home...

But when it comes to getting rid of an unwanted baby, suddenly teachers know what's best for a child who isn't theirs and the consent form doesn't get sent because the person who is actually responsible for the girl is a nuisance to be EXCLUDED from all decisions.

AIBU to be annoyed that anyone in a respected position at a school would think this was acceptable?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 04/06/2012 09:00

Yabu for all the reasons mentioned.

StealthPolarBear · 04/06/2012 09:27

Exactly. If the parents realise it is the girls decision (tho they may state reasons either way) and are supportive then fine. If hey are vehemently pro life or vehement on the side of "you're having an abortion and that's that" then the girl deserves to make a decision away from these influences

sleeplessinsuburbia · 04/06/2012 09:36

I think yabu too.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/06/2012 09:44

I think it's a difficult one to call.

'On paper' I would say YANBU, under 16 is still a child and therefore parents should be informed as they have responsibility for her in law.

However, it is not an ideal world - it's quite possible the professionals in this case were aware of issues regarding the parents and the girl's relationship with them that made it in the girl's best interests to proceed without their involvement.

It's very easy to say this is wrong as a responsible parent, unfortunately not all parents are responsible.

cory · 04/06/2012 10:09

Why blame teachers if a young girl feels she cannot speak to her parents about a sensitive subject? They're not the ones responsible for parent-child relationships, are they?

Surely if as parents of girls we do not like the idea of serious questions being settled behind our backs, then the onus lies on us to maintain the kind of relationship with our daughters where we would be their first source of support?

If a teacher is failing to do her job (setting incorrect spellings, teaching faulty French pronunciation, failing to explain the way evolution works), then I have to pick up the pieces- otherwise my dc will suffer. If the teacher doesn't want this kind of parental involvement, she'd better get things right.

If I fail to perform an essential part of my parenting job, then I would be grateful if the teachers pick up the pieces- because otherwise my dc will suffer. If I don't want that, then I'll have to try not to fail.

boaty · 04/06/2012 10:37

I would be uncomfortable with it too. Whilst we all know some parents have difficult relationships with their DC, it is also possible that a teenage girl can misjudge how parents would react. Girls at that age are notorious for dramatising their home/relationships situations. Obviously the case in the papers may be wide of the mark, afterall, it has to be news worthy!!
I would still be livid if I found out that life changing decisions were being made without my involvement when a child of mine was in trouble in anyway particularly when every aspect of their 'education' is controlled by assessment/risk aversion! Who is going to be the one picking up the pieces aferwards and what would be the situation if the DD had medical complications following the procedure, who accepts responsibilty for the child or advice given then? I have a 20yr old DD by the way

sensuallettuce · 04/06/2012 10:39

The young persons representative does - who must be over 18.

The professionals involved are trained to deal with all those issues boaty and counselling is offered in the case of any TOP.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 10:55

YANBU. It isn't the teachers who would have to pick up any medical or emotional pieces which might follow. There's talk here that "the parents let her [the girl] down" but that's just subjective, we don't know that the parent/s would have been unsupportive, we only know that the girl didn't want to tell them because "she was embarrassed and ashamed". That suggests an immaturity to me which would disqualify her from being able to exclude her parents from the knowledge.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 11:00

YABU to judge. Nobody knows what the girl's home circumstances were like. There could be many many reasons why she didnt want her parents to know.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 11:02

we only know that the girl didn't want to tell them because "she was embarrassed and ashamed". That suggests an immaturity to me which would disqualify her from being able to exclude her parents from the knowledge.

I would disagree. She may have come from a family where religious beliefs frowned upon termination, or where she may have been outcast from the family. The father of the child could have been from a different race or religion.

mamalovesmojitos · 04/06/2012 11:05

YABU. As has been repeatedly said, nobody knows what her family life is like. I'm glad she had teachers to support her.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 11:05

She may, squeaky, of course she may. She may be the owner of two hamsters and a rather large matchbox label collection too. But we don't know that, that's just hypothesising. And so, going on what are told, I see no reason to change what I said above. :)

CotesduRhone · 04/06/2012 11:08

YABU. Speaking from Ireland, where we had to pool our savings and pocket money to get a classmate an abortion, make up all sorts of lies about 'whose house she was staying in at the weekend', put her on a bus all alone to make the long and sad journey to the UK, and all without any adult support, we would have been so thrilled to have had an adult we could have spoken to. Adults weren't even allowed to share information with us about where to find advice, we had to rely on UK phone numbers scribbled on pub and school toilet doors.

There would have been no going to parents, as evidenced by another 15-year old classmate, who was thrown out of her house for telling her parents, suffered a miscarriage after sleeping on the streets, and was then 'welcomed back' into the bosom of her family.

You cannot legislate for individual situations. Some parents cannot be trusted with this kind of information. A 15 year old woman's body is still her own, to decide whether to progress a pregnancy or not.

ladyintheradiator · 04/06/2012 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalaland3008 · 04/06/2012 11:09

If a 15 year old is legally entitled to an abortion without parental consent ten I do not think it is unreasonable for the school to offer her support.

Not all teenagers can turn to their parents and I think this is better than the possible alternative, a bottle of pills and vodka.

No it's not nice and I hope if it were my child they would feel they could come to me.

Fizzybee · 04/06/2012 11:10

Yabu

I could never have told my parents I was of at that age they were judgemental and u was not the slightest bit close to them

Not only think of other cultures in the uk were the Girl would be a social outcast if found to be pg

Much better if the girl wants to terminate she can safely without parental knowledge and possible repuccusions ..,

lattelov3r · 04/06/2012 11:12

YABU its her body and what she does with it and who she choose to inform is her right

HRH2shoesofMn · 04/06/2012 11:12

uanbu
I think that the parents should have been consulted, they have responsibility fo rthe child.

imogengladheart · 04/06/2012 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 04/06/2012 11:15

What OldLadyKnowsNothing said.

Most NT 15 year olds are capable of making their own medical decisions. It is good that she had a supportive adult to talk to.

Look to the parents (and to society in general) for the problem - which is not "why did they help her when she went to them?" but "why did she not feel that she could go to her parents for help?".

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 11:16

"I don't have a problem with anyone who is against abortion, people are free to think what they like, but thankfully you can't actually force anyone else to share your beliefs. It would be awful if a parents viewpoint of abortion resulted in their child being forced to continue a pregnancy that was harmful to their own health."

I couldn't agree more, lady. But, there's no evidence available to us AFAIK that the girl was likely to be forced into continuing a pregnancy. (And I'm not convinced that I'm "being just as subjective as the opposing viewpoint" either! :) ).

Out of interest - those who think that the OP is BU, how many of you have girls aged c14 or above?

more · 04/06/2012 11:17

I don't understand why everyone is mad at the teachers, the article says that it was the hospital that contacted the school;
"It is understood the distraught girl had gone to a hospital where doctors confirmed she was pregnant. In line with her wishes, they didn?t tell her parents but did notify the school."

Trills · 04/06/2012 11:18

Wen - I imagine most of us replying are girls aged 14 and above, does that qualify us?

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/06/2012 11:18

In my defence, more, Malwarebytes wouldn't let me open the OP's link so I took a look at a different report, where that quote wasn't mentioned.

HRH2shoesofMn · 04/06/2012 11:20

my dd is 17
does that allow me to think the op is nbu?