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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at a so called female 'friend' demanding to go on my fiancee's stag do?

250 replies

RidingHood · 28/05/2012 16:45

We are getting married next month and as such my husband to be is having a stag night on the 16th - he has a small group of male friends and they will be going on the stag do along with male members of both our families.

One problem is that one of his friend's girlfriend has invited herself to the stag party and I am not particularly happy about this. My fiancee has insisted that she mentioned going with them and he didn't say she could or couldn't but she claims that he said she was more than welcome.

I told him he had to put her straight but instead he got his best man to tell her, and I have now heard all sorts about her calling me a b**ch and basically calling me behind my back - but I really don't think it is unreasonable of me to expect the stag party to be purely male.

She doesn't have any female friends (which makes me wary in the first place) and all the other guys seem to be backing her and saying 'she's one of the lads'. She has even invited one of the other boys fiancees to the party as well - which it is not her place to do so.

So am I being overly insecure or unreasonable or am I right to stand my ground and expect a traditional and respectful approach? I just want everything to be proper!

OP posts:

Popoozle · 28/05/2012 17:35

Right so now that this woman and her friend are no longer allowed to go on the stag do they have decreed that their DPs won't be going either?!

Someone's got control issues - and I'm not convinced it's the OP.

Roseformeplease · 28/05/2012 17:36

My husband had a traditional stag but I just had a party and invited all my friends, male and female. He didn't care as we were both doing what we wanted and my do involved lots of male friends who he did not know and so would not have invited as we married quite quickly. I have also been to a stag do: when it had to be arranged at short notice I was invited as "Bob the chef" and made them all steaks, ducking out when they watched 101 great car chases on telly. I think, however, you both have to be happy about whatever is going on and she sounds like a pushy pita who would probably have used her presence there to exclude you later in the, " Oh, I forgot you weren't there.." kind of way. Congratulations, by the way.

ENormaSnob · 28/05/2012 17:36

Bit different if you are a friend of the groom daisy.

Not on if you are insisting on attending one just because your partner is.

bogeyface · 28/05/2012 17:36

I find women who insist they want to go on a mates stag do to be slightly sad and attention seeking. The stags want to go and do nasty blokey stuff, probably involving lap dancing clubs and the like, why would any self respecting woman want to do that? And they wouldnt have the night they wanted with a woman there either!

pictish · 28/05/2012 17:36

I'm coming from the pov of MY crowd, where we all just hang out together you see? We don't do 'lads nights' and 'girls nights' and never have really.
In fact, the last pair that got hitched a combined stag and hen do where we ALL went go-karting together.

This idea that the stag night must be men only to the point of falling out with people about it, seems stupid to me.

PrematurelyAirconditioned · 28/05/2012 17:37

It's not your party. It's not your problem. If anything it's nice to have an extra guarantee that he won't be sleeping with prostitutes and going to dubious strip joints.

I was invited to a mate's stag with my DH at the last minute once. The bride (who was not there) is still speaking to me (though I will never look a flaming Sambucca in the eye again )

pictish · 28/05/2012 17:38

Oh and I totally agree that is the woman is putting the kybosh on her dp going to the stag do because she's not allowed to go is mind blowing.

But I still think the OP was a silly mare to make a fuss about it in the first place.

bogeyface · 28/05/2012 17:39

How is she wrong to not want her nice DH to have his night ruined because he doesnt know how to deal with a stroppy GF of his mate who cant take no for an answer?

helenthemadex · 28/05/2012 17:40

I've got a group of make friends and we were actually talking about this at the weekend, and agreed that I would be on the stagger as I am indeed "one of the lads".

this is entirely different it was agreed you would be invited this limpet invited herself!

she sounds controlling, clingy and needy not sure how you can resolve the problem op it really is you up to our DF, perhaps he could call the two males involved and say that he wants a lads only night out but didnt want to rock the boat

Salmotrutta · 28/05/2012 17:41

But if you have planned separate stag and hen dos then presumably that's what you want rather than a mixed couples thing.

Funnily enough we did the mixed couples thing back when we got married!
But that was our choice.

pictish · 28/05/2012 17:41

Bogeyface - becayse she's not his mum. It's for HIM to deal with.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 28/05/2012 17:43

You're both rude and out of order. Her for inviting herself and you for kicking up a fuss about who attends someone else's night out. In fact, seeing that having asked she was told she coud go by your DP I find my self in the unusual position of agreeing with pictish.

And you're uncomfortable? Why? Because she's a woman who happens to like the company of men better than other women? Do you think that makes a woman a threat? Potential whore perhaps?

Or are you just insecure?

bogeyface · 28/05/2012 17:43

And he did (well his best man did) the OP didnt do anything apart from moan on here.

MrsBucketxx · 28/05/2012 17:44

YANBU she invited herself, whoch is a big no no in my book. you df or the best man should have stood up to her and said no.

then she calls the bride a bitch, this i a celebration for the wedding this person would not be invited with this attitude so she should not be on the stag.

i would call her myself and tell her what you df has failed to do.

klaxon · 28/05/2012 17:47

OP are you aware that you are marrying into a circle of friends where all the women are paranoid. It's unlikely she is going for more than to keep an eye on her BF which is ironic really given your objection!

Don't get me wrong, it's your right to be paranoid and a bit bridezilla-like. But if you could just get a teeny leetle bit of empathy you might see your position and this girl's position are really quite similar.

pictish · 28/05/2012 17:49

I am coming from the pov that a woman going to a stag do does not matter.
The world will not spin on its axis, and the maws of Hell will remain resolutely shut.
This is aload of fuss and fall out over nothing.
Bad feeling has been created and the repercussions are evident.
And all over what? A woman inviting herself to a bloody stag do - like it matters!

MarySA · 28/05/2012 17:57

If women are on a stag night then it isn't a stag night is it. It's a mixed night out. I think this person wouldn't be interested in going on a mixed night out. No. She wants to go on the stag night. And if she can't go on it then neither can her boyfriend. She's the control freak if you ask me.

Victoria3012 · 28/05/2012 17:59

I agree with Eternally Suprised, you have Thrown a huffy tantrum and your as bad as the women whore for making a simple stag do a bloody big drama .

pictish · 28/05/2012 17:59

Which would be her boyfriend's problem, not the OPs.

FeakAndWeeble · 28/05/2012 18:03

I had male friends on my hen do, because they're my friends, and a night out wouldn't have been the same without them. DH didn't have an ishoo with this and if he had I'd have worried I was marrying the wrong person.

In the end DH came along too and we had an awesome night. 'Tradition' isn't the be all and end all!

Also, I was stopped from going on one of my friend's Stag Do's because his wife-to-be objected to my being the only woman going. I'd been invited by the Stag because he was one of my best friends, then sheepishly un-invited when his fiancee hit the roof. We don't really see each other anymore because this incident was indicative of the fact that she is a jealous, controlling cow.

Just sayin'.

Whatmeworry · 28/05/2012 18:09

So a bunch of women are fighting like fishwives about some poor bloke's stag party?

If I were him I'd leave the lot of you :o

pictish · 28/05/2012 18:10

I remember years ago with a different social group, a male friend's gf ended up on a stag night with him because the stag crowd ran into the gf's crowd while they were all out. The gf was having a crap night, and decided to join the stags instead. Including my dh.

Aaaaanyways - guess who objected to, and bitched about this event afterwards? None of the stags. Just their wags. Except for me. I didn't care.

heartstillthumping · 28/05/2012 18:10

Feak I could have written your exact post! One of my closest male friends was getting married, we had always joked I would be an honorary stag, unfortunately made the mistake of talking about stag do in front of his controlfreak cow of a wife-to-be and she obviously went nuts as I was suddenly excluded from the whole affair.

The thing is she really is a silly cow but I had tried very hard to be friendly to her for the sake of friend. She had major issues with me for no better reason than the fact she was jealous of friendship we had - even though we had shared beds / floors at parties all through uni totally platonically and nothing had ever happened. The whole thing did mark a change in our friendship and we have gradually slid into less and less contact.

I see the occasional gaunt-faced photo of him on FB and feel sorry for him :(

only4tonight · 28/05/2012 18:16

In my opinion single sexes groups get up to much worse things than mixed sex groups. I would be pleased she is going.

squeakytoy · 28/05/2012 18:25

I agree with what only4tonight has said, and also pictish too... what does it matter if a couple of women go, I have been on stag do's and I have male friends who have been on hen parties as well... equality and all that!

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