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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at a so called female 'friend' demanding to go on my fiancee's stag do?

250 replies

RidingHood · 28/05/2012 16:45

We are getting married next month and as such my husband to be is having a stag night on the 16th - he has a small group of male friends and they will be going on the stag do along with male members of both our families.

One problem is that one of his friend's girlfriend has invited herself to the stag party and I am not particularly happy about this. My fiancee has insisted that she mentioned going with them and he didn't say she could or couldn't but she claims that he said she was more than welcome.

I told him he had to put her straight but instead he got his best man to tell her, and I have now heard all sorts about her calling me a b**ch and basically calling me behind my back - but I really don't think it is unreasonable of me to expect the stag party to be purely male.

She doesn't have any female friends (which makes me wary in the first place) and all the other guys seem to be backing her and saying 'she's one of the lads'. She has even invited one of the other boys fiancees to the party as well - which it is not her place to do so.

So am I being overly insecure or unreasonable or am I right to stand my ground and expect a traditional and respectful approach? I just want everything to be proper!

OP posts:
Original poster
RidingHood · 29/05/2012 12:08

I will leave it up to him, I think my opinions have clearly done enough damage.

They have not RSVP in the timeframe I needed, so I'll assume they're not coming and pretend they dont exist for now!

OP posts:
bogeyface · 29/05/2012 12:10

Well there you are then. It isnt a decision you or he have to make. They havent RSVP'd so they must have decided not to come. YOu make your plans based on them not being there, and all's well :)

WorraLiberty · 29/05/2012 12:12

Perhaps, but I have to say I'd rather not know what antics are planned or will happen on the stag!

I don't believe that for a minute lol

If you've made all this fuss over 2 "Pathetic mares" wanting to attend the stag do, I imagine you'll very much want to know what went on, on the actual night.

Original poster
RidingHood · 29/05/2012 12:13

Can I just point out worra that I haven't made all this fuss, I merely said I was uncomfortable with it. And I have outlined the reasons in previous posts. I am not insecure about him copping off with them, trust me he has better standards!

I totally trust him.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/05/2012 12:16

I didn't say you didn't trust him

I said I don't believe for a minute that you won't want to know what went on.

Just as you said you didn't want to bad mouth the woman and then went on to do just that.

Original poster
RidingHood · 29/05/2012 12:19

I misunderstood Worra! I will want to know what has gone on after the event yes, I want all the gossip.

But I don't want to know what's planned prior to the event, it will just make me anxious.

I'm already stressed enough at the thought of getting married in 3 weeks time.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/05/2012 12:30

What fuss has she made, Worra? Nothing compared to the two "pathetic mares" behaviour really.

NovackNGood · 29/05/2012 12:50

I have read the thread.

It is not strange for a woman to go on a stag do as you know what it's 2012 not 1970 so who cares what sex someone's friends are unless you are the hyper jealous type.

Saying that your you have to protect your boyfriend from being taken advantage off comes across as rather controlling. I'm sure if he can hold down a job without you there all day he can easily handle his life as he no doubt did before you came along and if he is not overly bothered he is just that. not overly bothered to make a fuss. Better to be an easy going person that a worry wort.

Writing bad things about someone then adding ' but i don't want to write anything bad is just being passive aggressive. Your first words demonstrated your true opinion which comes across as nasty.

Calling the other two 'pathetic mares' and saying he he has 'higher standards' than to 'go with them' is just being rather pathetic, bitchy and sexist. But then maybe you like coming across as the Queen of Sheeba.

Stressed at getting married. Surely you mean nervous of a nice day? If i was stressed about getting married I wouldn't do it.

Original poster
RidingHood · 29/05/2012 13:04

Thanks Novak it's always good to hear several different opinions on these subjects it gives me a good perspective on things.

I did not have any intention of coming on here bad mouthing people I just wanted to vent my frustrations and have some non-bias feedback so I do appreciate your opinion.

However, can you understand that this has put me under incredible pressure, I have admitted I was wrong to express my distaste at her going to his stag do, but the more I look at it, the more angry I get and I have lashed out because this girl has made this celebratory occasion a cause for falling out and has made some very horrible comments to my partner's friends about me.

Forgive me for not being a saint but I am pissed off with people attacking my personality here, yes I may come across as controlling but I think all women have an element of control in their families and household - I don't think things would function otherwise. In terms of my wedding, yes I am being a control freak but I think I have that right as the bride.

And as for your final sentence, you are now twisting my words and trying to show me in a very negative light - of course I am nervous and I mean stressed about the overall organising of it all. Are you trying to imply that I should not be marrying my partner?

I would love to be an easy going person and not have a care in the world, unfortunately it's a lot easier said than done.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/05/2012 13:10

"It is not strange for a woman to go on a stag do as you know what it's 2012 not 1970"

No it´s not-if they are invited-which she wasn´t.

NovackNGood · 29/05/2012 13:18

Ridinghood. I did write nervous or stressed as a question as i assumed you meant nervous at wanting everything organised for the day instead of stressed about marriage. it was not an attempt at a personal attack. I am sure you do not want to be bridezilla.

Jealousy and trying to control others actions is just only ever going to hurt yourself. Acting on feelings of jealousy with controlling behaviour will nearly always drive the other people away so you need to be careful if that is not what you want to do.

Original poster
RidingHood · 29/05/2012 13:25

No it isn't, I don't want to be that kind of a wife, that's why I've apologised to my DHTB.

I am probably filled with more self loathing now than I did when I started this post!

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 29/05/2012 13:29

Well don't feel that way either. Just forget about it and let bygones be bygones. No point being self loathing about anything either. Relax.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 29/05/2012 13:29

yes I am being a control freak but I think I have that right as the bride

Disagree. If you can't not be a control freak, don't inflict it on everyone. Elope.

AThingInYourLife · 29/05/2012 13:32

Wow, it's not hard to see why this woman doesn't have any friends.

What a horrible, childish bitch.

doormat · 29/05/2012 13:38

op glad you got it sorted....xxx

doormat · 29/05/2012 13:39

ps have alovely wedding day xxx

Offred · 29/05/2012 13:40

Biscuit have a happy marriage!

Original poster
RidingHood · 29/05/2012 13:49

Thanks thanks all x

OP posts:
Triffiddealer · 29/05/2012 13:50

Riding - don't let posters upset you. You haven't done anything wrong - just told your DP you weren't happy about something. That's called communication. He obviously agreed, or he'd have told you to mind your own business - as was his right. You've apologised for getting involved as on second thoughts it might be seen as controlling, he's said no need, it was fine, he didn't want these women there. Please ignore some of the posters here who just seem to want to have a go. It's a risk of AIBU. It says more about them than you

You and your DP are happy together and sound like a great couple. Like I said before, weddings are for people who wish you well. It's lucky these people aren't coming along.

pictish · 29/05/2012 14:04

Absolutely agree you should move on from this now.

Have a lovely wedding - hope the sun shines brightly on your big day! xxx

keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 29/05/2012 14:13

I havent read the whole thread but my thoughts are yes, its up to your DH who is there or not, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be happy about it if it were me either! but I just find it really odd that any of the 'stags', your DH and especially her boyfriend want her there! If my DH went to one of his mates stag dos theres no way theyd want me or any other girlfriends/wives there cramping their style
Why would she want to go?

fedupofnamechanging · 29/05/2012 14:15

Riding, hindsight has 20/20 vision. All you did was tell your fiance that you weren't happy about her attending his stag do. All the nasty fallout has come from her and isn't your fault. Okay, in retrospect, it would have been better to leave it be and let your fiance deal with it, but what's done is done, there is no value to be had from stressing over it now. You weren't to know it would end up with tears and strops.

And actually, you might have done yourself and your fiance a favour - at least now you won't have to keep making an effort with a woman who repeatedly snubs you, so a bit of a result, really!

No need for self loathing - you've apologised for the additional hassle to your fiance and that's good enough. Now stop fretting and have a fabulous wedding.

foodgetinmabelly · 29/05/2012 15:01

why doesnt he just have a stag do and invite everyone but the bride??? Hmm i think this is the point the OP is making... what if all the other girlfriends wanted to go, would he let them too? if this happened the only person who would not be going is the bride, this is just weird. A stag do is meant to be his last night as a single man with his friends not his friends girlfriends. The girl just needs to suck it up as this is what a stag do is.
for the record i dont think the op is jealous.

MrsBucketxx · 29/05/2012 15:28

novack sounds like you have never organised a wedding and no nothing of the stress involved. your not commenting from experience.

op was in the right all along she applogised when she didnt need to and the horrid woman and her cohorts are history. all well that ends well.

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