to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

[Bethan31]

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

I don't think yabu to not want your mil to take dd out if you feel she does not respect your parenting choices (and in general, its really up to you). But maybe yabu not to let your DH take Dd because of how that will affect mil. Don't let your worries about her impact your family life.

Congratulations on your baby!

YANBU to not want to leave your dd until you feel ready to do so and if MiL or anyone-else doesn't listen to your choices as to how to care for dd then you are well within your rights!

Although having said that - monthly visits may not be enough for them if it's their 1st gc. Since my dd was born (18 months ago) Pil have become obsessed with her - and need (!) to see her at least once a fortnight in person plus sykpe etc imbetween. I still rarely leave dd with mil as mil doesn't listen to a word I say re what to eat (force feeds dd chocolate), language etc. and will also start to change dd's hair style, adorn dd with freebie badges etc she has picked up (even tho dd might be wearing an expensive cardi which I don't want big holes in when dd yanks the badge out) but I've given up protesting and try topick my battles now . I do let Pil (and my parents) babysit at night when dd is already in bed so limited amount of damage to be caused but at 11 weeks you're not there yet (unless you're very blessed and she's sleeping through which mine didn't do for ages)!

The toughest thing is not to let it get you down too much. I went nuts (not literally but would be v upset) with all the aggro after each visit for almost a year...

Good luck!

Well, unless they are definitely loons, your PILs managed to bring your dh up without too many mishaps, so you could hand over your dd for them to potter around the park for an hour or so?

I would invite her round lots to hang out with you & dd, so she's got a clear idea what your expectations are & that you're the boss.

Definitely worth sorting out whilst dd is tiny, & really, there's not much to argue over. She's fed/nappied/cuddled according to your rules, end of, at this age, whereas in a year or so you & MIL might find yourself at loggerheads over behaviour/food/clothes & chuff knows what else.

My MIL has ideas that differ from mine. I think that's been rather good for the dc over the years - no harm done in learning that grandma is an exhaustible supply of biscuits between meals but goes spectacularly tonto over shoes worn in the house, etc...

YANBU you dont need to leave DD with someone else until your ready. My MIL keeps telling us to leave my DD with her, and I feel the same as you :)

My in-laws also have an obsession with looking after my DS by himself, and this started when he was 5 weeks old!

I can only assume that they felt more comfortable without me around (although we get on fine), but I was a bit uncomfortable as there were a few things raised like "it's ok to leave them to cry, they have to know they aren't the centre of the universe" (actually I think you'll find that he is very much the centre of his universe).

Now that DS is a little older I am both more and less relaxed - more because he will loudly show them if he isn't happy, but less because he is really fast!

Don't feel bad about not leaving your DD, you may want to in the future, but she's your baby, so frankly, your decision goes.

Yanbu - and I don't get the idea of wanting the parents out of the way - my mum does ask about as staying overnight but he is bf and cosleeps (16mo) so there really isn't a way - she has had him for 7 daytime periods without me since he was 10mo ( never before that).
Mil lives 1.5 hours away and doesn't drive so leaving him with her over the day isn't poss as I'd have to drive 3 hours to drop him off and 3 hours to pick him up which would be silly - so she gets to see him with me.

Sorry but I think You are being a little bit unreasonable. I think it's very easy to forget that becoming a grandparent can feel as special to them as you felt becoming a mum and they too want to build a special bond with them.

to say that you can't imagine 'ever feeling comfortable enough' for them to take dd out in future is denying your dd the chance to build up that special 1-1 bond with grandparents unless your dd would be in danger obviously which you haven't suggested would be the case.

Just doing something really small like letting them take her for a walk around the block, or leaving them together while you nip to the corner shop would mean the world to them.

Worth a little give and take, no?

Oh goodness, I'm the same . I don't trust anyone. Especially when they challenge my authority. I once left my 3 month-old EBF baby with mum & her friend for 5 mins whilst I had a shower and came back to find him with gravy around his mouth. They'd fed him! I was furious!

I find that the more protective you are, the more people try to wear you down and go against you. Be prepared for a bumpy ride, but stick to your guns.

Sorry, you are being unreasonable, there is no earthly reason why you shouldn't let them take her out for an hour. Try to re read your OP, you are using quite heated language and it really sounds a though your in-laws have your and your baby's interests at heart.

Sometimes when you have your first baby you can become over protective at the beginning, but this should have subsided by now. Don't let it turn into a stand off between you and your in-laws.

I would have begged and borrowed for a few hours free childcare when mine was that age.

Remember that it is important for your baby's development to have several significant adults in her life, not just you and DH.

You don't say if you allow your own mother to spend time alone with your daughter do the same rules apply to her ?
I think you are being unreasonable but that may well be because I have an excellent relationship with my DIL and reguarly look after my grandaughter as does her other Grandmother and her two Aunties.
I do wonder what you would do in an emergency situation when you might have to allow someone else to look after your baby for a few hours. Maybe I am just lucky but I find all the slating MIL threads on here really sad.

This is a frequent issue, IME.

DD is your baby and you do not have to let anyone take her away from you until you feel ready to do so.

At 5m yanbu, but I think you're not doing yourself any favours by saying this will be a long term thing. Why not see how you feel when he's a year?

I think there are 2 separate issues here.

You are not being unreasonable to not let mil have dd alone if she will not respect your wishes. You can invite her to spend time with you all. I never really get why some people have an obsession with alone time - I always figured it's nice to spend time all together

However, not leaving dd alone with her dad in case mil gets upset is crazy.

If you don't trust her then yanbu but that doesn't mean you shouldn't find a way of letting them spend time together. Eg to start off with, she could look after her for a couple of hours while you do some chores. Be careful of pissing them off because remember that at some point down the line you might actually want or need them to babysit. As someone else said, she managed to successfully bring up your dh!

my dd is 9mo and I don't leave her with anyone. She doesn't like to be without me and until that passes she won't have to be. At the moment we are at my dad's house having stayed last night and when him and my stepmum get up they will play with her and look after her, building up that special bond, whilst keeping her in her comfort zone near me.
The feeling of never wanting to be parted does pass. I would sell my soul to get a couple hours away from ds aged 3 when he's being naughty!
My mil has never looked after either of my 2 even though she would love it. It's not about her it's about the kids and she's not capable of keeping them safe.

oh I don't leave dd with her dad either but that's more because he doesn't want to be looking after her. That's a whole other thread though.

My MIL was exactly like this. They live over 3 hours away so only see DD about every 6 weeks. I felt like you did for a while but then started letting them take her out on their own for an hour or so. Everything was fine and our relationship dramatically improved.

Now they take her out for whole days and DD lives it. Yes they spoil her, but that's what GP are for

In fact DD and I are going down for a week on our own soon and when I checked it would be OK to leave DD with them alone so I could get my hair done while we are there, MIL has said they have booked me into a spa hotel for one night along with lots of pampering. This is the biggest treat ever as DD is a really riser and I am exhausted.

DD really loves her time with them and having seen how much enjoyment they all get it' worth letting go occasionally.

So YANBU at present but be open minded about the future, and as other people have mentioned, maybe let them take her for a short while. Even if it's only down to the local shop.

One of the reasons MIM wanted DD alone is that she loves showing her off - she is the world's proudest grandma.

If you are worried they'll try to wean him ( QueenofSheba) you should say so. To them, I mean. And have the whole thing out. I do think PILs go slightly batshit unreasonable with the arrival of a new grandchild. It does settle down but isn't much fun.

Not allowing your DH on his own with her is unreasonable though.

Actually, I think YABU. It's great your MIL is so enthusiastic. As another poster said, she brought your DH up so can't be too incompetent

As for her doing things differently, so what? Grandparents are there to spoil their grandkids and so long as it's not everyday I don't see the problem. You do not "own" your child, let her have other adults in her life with whom she can build her own relationships.

My kids are 6 & 4 and i still dont like leaving them with anyone. I do it but it is in the back of my mind.....i wonder whether that is quite healthy for me and whether i shiuld have been more trusting of others when they were smaller.

I do also know that when they were little ny mum preferred to look after them without me - it was easier for them, less pressure and they enjoyed it more so i can see both side.

Why not give a little - so the next time they are here and dd needs a nap suggest they take her for a walk in the buggy. Yes you will pace about till they get back but really nothing will happen and she will be fine. They want to give you a break and in their eyes you are making life harder for you than it needs to be.

I think you are being a little unreasonable, couldn't you make a compromise and allow them to have ds in a month or so when you feel more comfortable letting him stay?
They have his best interests at heart & not only that you get to have a well earned break, you are lucky to have such attentitivw pils i wish mine cared so much for my dcs which they have never babsat whatsoever yet they have my sils dcs every weekend .
Make the most of them they sound lovely x

i really don't see whats wrong with the MIL pushing the pram for an hour while you have a shower or something. Perhaps it's because she's my second child but I'd love someone to take DD2 (8 weeks) out for an hour. I'm not talking all day and it doesn't mean I love her any less, it just would be nice not to have to rush to get dressed!

I felt exactly the same.
When I first left my son with my mum, i said, 'if he cries for more than 10 mins take him to A&E' and I really meant it - he never cried that much you see. My mum was wise enough to keep her mouth shut and agree, not questioning my overprotectiveness.
Very quickly I was glad of her help when I wanted some time off.
Your mil is being daft not realising that you are just like all first time mums.
She needs to stop criticising and get your confidence by listening to you and supporting you and your decisions. If she gets you on side she will get to spend time with that baby a lot more quickly.
Maybe your dh could explain this to her. As a mother herself she will surely understand.
If she doesn't, then you won't let her see much of your baby (her gc) and she will miss out.
And you will not be unreasonable.

QueenOfSheba - I just wanted to say that I was reading your post about gravygate.

I mean - my MIL closed the curtains for DS' daytime nap and I said it's a curtains open, normal noise policy in our house (we have been known - six adults - to be sat whispering in the lounge for an hour over bedtime for our and SIL's children - ???!), which was an inocuous thing easily set straight but adult food, at 3 months? The digestion may just about be OK for baby food but even that is touch and go...

OP - YANBU on any decision about your baby's upbringing but initial reactions are also that you might want to get your baby used to you not being around. It's quite an important thing for them to learn; that M&D go but come back. If you think you might have a 'serious undermining of authority' situation like QofS describes then pick someone else to leave her with but I think it would be good for your DD.

I have looked after my dgc since they were a few months old. I babysit in the evenings and have them some days as well. 11 weeks is still a bit young but you do sound a bit over protective if you won't even leave your DD with your own dh. My lot have been looked after by their daddies since birth as long as they are with mum for feeds. It means mum can have a little break occasionally.