to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

[Bethan31]

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

Agree with everything lovetats says at the top of this page!

Sorry OP but you sound like a control freak, it is not normal imo

Oh dear I hear you!!

When my son had chicken pox I'd spent a week off work stuck indoors. He was brighter by the weekend. I wept with joy when mil offered to take him. I then went out and got drunk caught up on sleep and washing.

Yes because all mils are normal and are always well meaning.

When someone questions/argues with you about every little you do with your baby it doesn't fill you with confidence that they'll listen to you about the big things eg not giving a baby that's milk fed solids and not leaving a crying baby.

I don't think you're actually helping yourself by painting a picture of yourself as a paranoid/hyper-attached mother who never lets her DD be alone with anyone else. I know it might seem easier but it's just going to make her more hostile to you in he long term.

You and your DH are a team. You do leave your DD with him. He knows his mother better than anyone and he isn't pushing for her to have sole care of your DD. Stand up to her. All you're doing at the moment is confirming her view that your decisions about your DD are unsound because you don't even trust her father to look after her - which isn't true! It makes it more likely that she'll never respect your decisions on what's best for your child.

I would have done anything for someone to take my children out when they were little so I could have a break. We were not in your lucky position in having healthy living grandparents.
I think it's bizarre for you to not let yr husband look after your child. I had 2 babies that were ebf. My dh managed perfectly well as we have always worked as a team.

It's normal to feel protective over your baby and not want to leave them when they're tiny, there is no law that says you have to leave them.

However, when you feel ready, how about building up some short visits where nothing can go wrong? E.g. not overlapping any nap or meal times, and then build it up slowly.

When DS was 5 months I was really paranoid about (now ex) MIL - she tried to put custard on his dummy at 2 months old, and thought we should let him cry himself to sleep etc - but now he is 3.7, I trust her enough to look after him for the whole day while I work. I never would have imagined this when DS was tiny, but you just get more laid back and things seem to matter less. It doesn't really matter if he eats some rubbish (which actually, he doesn't - fish fingers for lunch and a couple of biscuits definitely isn't the worst thing ever!) and he's old enough to tell me if anything happened that he didn't like. Actually, he has a great time there and it's perfect for me as he gets to have a relationship with his nan but I don't have to see her

She wasn't quite as pushy, but she did keep mentioning that she would take DS for a day if I needed it, and I just said "Okay thanks, we'll let you know" - and then didn't

I would just be honest and say "We don't feel ready for you to take him out without one of us just yet. I'll let you know when we are, until then you are welcome to see him here or come along on X day when we're doing X thing as a family." Sometimes when people are being pushy, you have to be firm with them. You know you're not being mean or unreasonable, so if they choose to take offence at that, then it's their problem, not yours.

You could make self-depreciating jokes about "I know I'm an overprotective mother!" and "Well he is my precious first born!" etc, but stick to your guns, if you don't want to leave him then don't.

Perhaps when your baby gets a bit older, you could go on a family day out with PILs to the park or something and just try leaving her with them for a few minutes while you and DH go to get everyone drinks or ice creams, or letting them take her on one of the rides or off for a walk somewhere without you but within the park or whatever.

Yes because all mils are normal and are always well meaning.

Well all I could see in the OP was a MIL that had had some mildly irritating differences of opinion to her DIL to which enormous offence had been taken and some attempts to be helpful.

If that makes you abnormal and not well meaning, well God help us all. It's no surprise lots of MILs seem to hold their DILs at arm's length - they don't seem to be able to do anything right. I expect if she hadn't been proferring help the OP would have been whining on about that as well.

YABU. It is terrifying leaving them for the first time but you need some time to yourself. Your MIL sounds genuinely concerned but also completely in love with your DD- let her be a granny!

Agree with Bertie. I used to make comments like "Really kind of you to offer, but I'm still in that over-protective stage!" Makes it more about me than my MIL so less likely to take offence and go on the attack e.g. say you're unhinged!

My DD, nearly 2, now has a great relationship with my inlaws, but it was done very much at my pace. Every couple of weeks she spends the day with them while I'm at work instead of going to nursery. (If only it could be regular I could save £53 per day childcare!!)

I still don't feel able to leave her with my own parents. Sure I will at some point, but not ready yet.

Think its fine not to leave you child with someone until it FEELS right.

I think you need to chill a bit to be honest.

By the time you've had your 2nd or 3rd you'll probably be screaming for them to come and give you a break.

Difference is, they might not bother if you don't relax a little now.

I was a bit like this. I was fine with my MiL, who's very nice, but there was an occasion when my dad and his partner visited and wanted to take DD (then a few months old) to visit the partner's friend who lived about 12 miles away. I handed her over but was filled with anxiety the whole time. I was partly worried about them crashing the car, but also I really didn't trust the partner, had never met the partner's friend, and it is all about trust, isn't it?

What does your DH think of your plan to never 'let' him be alone with his own child? Is he not a parent too? And does this policy apply to your own mother too?

And are you serious, you've never been apart from your DD in 5 months? Wow. I am extremely grateful when my DM or MIL/FIL come to visit and take my 6 mo DTs for a walk, so I can get my hair/nails done, or just chill out for a bit. And this has been the norm for us since they were very small (4/5 weeks old)

If you are planning to return to work, have another child or indeed do anything social in the evenings at any point inthe future, your DD may need to get used to being without you, and you may find yourself suddenly becoming grateful for such offers of help

YANBU, you're clearly not ready to leave your DD with anyone at this point and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for that or coerced in to leaving your child before you're ready. Sod the gps, your feelings are more important than theirs.

Just be aware that while this is how you feel now, when your DD gets older and isn't so small and vulnerable you might feel differently and want to have a weekend away just you and your DH. Don't burn your bridges :)

ceeveebee The OPs DH has taken their DD out alone, afaict the plan is to never let the MIL catch on so that she can't use it to coerce the OP.

Tbh, it might do you the world of good to have 20 mins off. Try it.

YABU. You should re-read what you have written....

"when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours" or kindly offer to babsit so I could spend a couple of hours out with my dh?

"she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week." - have I read that right ? Your dc is 5 months old and you've not left her for an hour with her Dad ???

"She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up" You do know, don't you, that discussing things like this is a pretty normal thing to do when there is a new baby in the family?

"I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd" Is there any reason behing this, or are you just being offensive. Presumably she did a pretty good job with your dh, or you wouldn't have chosen to be with him. I mean, fair enough if you had let her look after her occasionally and she'd disregarded all you'd asked, but this suggests a 'guilty without trial' approach.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but - from what you've posted here - I have to agree with your MiL.

FFS, people READ THE THREAD.

OP HAS left her DD with her DH. They are PRETENDING she hasn't for some unknown reason in the hope it will get her MIL off her back.

Yes, but no wonder the MiL is beginning to question if she's coping alreight, as that's what she's been told.

Its pretty bonkers behaviour, whatever.

I had this with my MIL and to lesser extend FIL along with constant undermining. I'm not sure what it was though with FIL suspect bit of power play and a large dose of forgetfullness about babies ancd a large amount of wanting the DC to be older than they were sop they could do what they thought were fun things.

I did weaken and let them take DD1 when she was a few months for a walk and they left her outside a shop they weren't doing us a favor by having her they begged then left her outside by herself where anyone could have wondered off with her.

That was it till years later and IL took safety seriously and the DC could be vocal about their comfort. Our DC are well adjusted DC and this hasn't hurt them and they have a very good relationship with ILs.

It was bloody annoying at time ? having to constantly stick to guns and be polite at same time.

YANBU

Op you sound incredibly selfish, he/she isn't just YOUR baby, the baby is part of a wider family unit, if I were your MIL I would question your judgment and worry about your over bearing attachment/clinging to the baby but then that's your own fault for lying to your MIL. How would you feel if you were a grandma at treated this way? Jesus Christ she only wants to take the baby for a walk not take hin/her on holiday for a week. Please remember she managed to raise your husband into the man you love not some monster and cut her some slack fgs x

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Try to put yourself in her shoes, its prob very hard to be a mil, and is great they are so keen.
Unless they are loons, they managed to bring your dp up so give them a chance. I think you are being a little overprotective. Yes it is of of course your dc, but when you have a baby, that personae is brought into a whole family and effects everyone, for your little one, let them have a relationship with your inlaws.

I think YABU and sound a little crazy and pfb, tbh. But, your child, your rules.

I think YABU. My DD is nearly the same age as yours and I have left her twice (with her Dad) for a couple of hours - 'twas bliss! Came home totally recharged and missed her loads.

I think you are wrong to deny your MIL time alone with your DD. It's important for them to bond and have a relationship too. I would happily leave DD with both my Mum or MIL for a few hours but unfortunately she tends to only tolerate me or DH and screams if she is held by anyone else! So, that it is out for now.

I think you maybe need to step back and put yourself in your MIL's shoes. You should think yourself lucky she is even interested at all (judging by some other threads).

Poor MIL. She has excitedly waited the 9 months until 1st GC was born, looking forward to cuddles and smiles and love but, even at 5 months finds DIL doesn't trust her out of sight with baby at all. She must be very hurt.