to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

[Bethan31]

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

OMG i cant believe what im reading on this thread!

YABVU, you find it hard to even leave dd with her dad?
Youre considering never letting your GPs take your dd out?

How is this normal behaviour?

You are setting yourself and your dd up for a very hard life, what if you ever have to go into hospital, what about school, kids clubs?
You cant control everything, and not everyone is going to do things your way, you can ask them to respect that, but its not always going to happen, and as long as its not compromising safety then theres not much you can do.

It sounds like you have anxiety and control issues, naybe you could see your GP.
I dont think its healthy to need to be with your child all the time, for them or you.

Completely agree with you lovetats

Agree with lovetats and mosschops - yabu and setting both you and your dd for some difficult times ahead if you cannot see a way through this.

I was thinking the same mosschops you can't control everything in your DC's life and neither should you want to.
I'm pretty sure that the OP's DC will come across far worse influences in their life than an overly doting Grandmother especially when they start school.

what moss chops and love tats said

it reads like you dislike your MIL and find her over the top and are somehow punishing her by not allowing her to get close to your baby

which is sad for both of them

you are also saying that the situation will remain like this for the foreseeable future so you are not willing to compromise or budge on this issue

which seems very limiting

what about when you and DH want to go out together, the two of you? or are invited somewhere and want to go and it's child free or not appropriate to take your baby?

there is life beyond and outside your little family unit and shutting out grandparents could backfire spectacularly

your MIL might well get tired of trying and when you do need/want some help with your baby or when you have more children, you'll find them totally unwilling to help

Oh and if your MIL wanted to be really difficult she could always apply to the courts for reasonable contact, unlikely but it coukd happen.
You do not own your child, unless there are other issues its her right to build a relationship with other family members.

I stopped my step father being alone with the dcs or driving them in the car because he has parkinsons and dementia, and therefore they werent safe. But he still saw them and would have them at his house if my mother was present

Many moons ago when my girls were babies, I kind of realised that they weren't just mine and my husbands children, they were children of our whole family and I happily let grandparents, uncles, aunties and even (older) cousins spend any time they wanted with them. They were welcome to take them out (back in time for feeds before they were weaned, obviously!). I'm not saying they were taken far away, maybe to the local park or for a visit, on one occasion my eldest was taken (at about 18 months old) by my husbands sister and bil to visit bils elderly mother in a home, it gave her such joy and most importantly I had two sunny little DDs. They are 16 and 18 now and I couldn't be more proud of their outgoing personalities and the close relationship they still have with their extended family. If your in laws are decent people, I would honestly encourage you to welcome them into your DDs life as much as you can comfortably manage.

I don't think it has to be extremes between unreasonable and not unreasonable.

It could just be that in the beginning - when you were feeling that "normal" strong desire to be near your DD - your MIL just came on a bit too strong and it made you back off? When you might have been feeling vulnerable and new-parentish, things like that could seem much bigger. If she came on a bit too strong at that point, your natural reaction would be to curl your DD up in your arms and think "No, no, no one but me thanks!" because that's what you are hard-wired to do.

But now, maybe that feeling has just stayed with you when it's not needed as much - the echo of the sentiment of your MIL coming in to "take your DD away" is just too strong when it's not necessarily what the perspective actually is. Maybe your MIL misrepresented herself in those early days - over-stepping boundaries you weren't comfortable with but her intentions are genuine, I'm sure.

If I were you, I'd give it a little try...don't see her as someone wanting to take your baby away for an hour or so. She is a relation, someone very close to you and your DH in terms of lineage and relationship. The better bond your parents and parents-in-law have with your baby, the better for your baby in the long run and it is worth those first few uncomfortable times. Just give it and go and maybe that sensation won't be so bad or strong now :)

YANBU this is your child and your choice. I think a lot of people have misunderstood your post and think you won't even let DH look after the baby but you were saying you feel like telling MIL that to stop her pressuring you, right? I don't think it'll work by-the-way, I think she'll step things up a notch as she'll think you never 'get a break' and make it her business to provide that for you.

My DS is 16 months and I have never left him with his grandparents. Actually my mum had him for about half an hour when he was a few weeks old but otherwise he's been with me or DH and any time I've been away I've hated every minute. Maybe I'm unusual but I don't like being away from my child just yet. I'm not in the slightest bit concerned about 'creating' a clingy child - he is definitely attached to me but is independent and confident and I don't feel he suffers for not having been alone with his grandparents - he adores each and every one of them which I fully encourage.

I didn't spend my childhood in the pockets of my grandparents and my relationships with them were brilliant, they just weren't a second set of parents like they seem to be in a lot of families.

It's not absolutely necessary to hand your baby over asap after birth and share childcare with your parents and inlaws. It's quite possible for your children to have healthy relationships with their grandparents without pushing mum and dad out of the door first. What are they so desperate to do with them that they can't do with mum around? IMO often something that goes completely against their wishes. I do think you have to put up with a certain amount of 'doing things differently' if you choose to use GPs as free childcare and I do think either way it's best to pick your battles. But I don't think any parent has to take up the offer/give in to GPs requests to babysit. And it's perfectly alright if you don't want to be parted from your child when they're young, not everyone needs 'a break' - I've certainly never felt that being without my son was a break. I'm much happier with him than without and he seems to feel the same. Of course we will be parted at some point in the future but there's no rush.

I also think people are missing the point when suggesting that the PIL 'brought DH up ok' so are therefore trustworthy. I'm still alive and relatively normal but I know for a fact I was weaned too early and left to cry - people might say 'it won't do any harm' but I disagree. I don't want my child's cries to be ignored. I also know that the way my parents spoke to me and treated me did long term damage but to look at me it's not obvious. I feel I have a responsibility to protect my child how I see fit.

I've had 'words' with my MIL who took it upon herself to buy a carseat for DS - it wasn't as safe as the one we had bought ourselves and I have no intention of letting him in a car without me for a very long time - her argument was "well we didn't even have carseats when the children were young and they never came to any harm" - my reply was "well anyone who did isn't here to tell the tale" - I've never been one to give a monkeys what 'everyone else' is doing. Stand your ground OP if you feel it is right. It's OK to say "my child stays with me" there's no right or wrong, and if you're not standing in the way of contact and encourage it, I don't see what the problem is. Grandparents had nothing to do with the conception, gestation or birth of your child and they have no right to solitary contact either.

Yanbu. You shouldn't have to be forced to hand your baby over to anyone unless you are ready and feel comfortable enough.

Let your ML moan about it all she wants, but don't budge unless it's what you want.

Your dh sounds lovely to support you here too, and congratulations on your little baby :)

Where you say 'I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to in the future I find that a bit worrying to be honest. And the part where you say she tried to coerce you into going out....

Those first few months after having a baby are an enormous shock arent they? When I think back to how I behaved sometimes, I cringe. Your relationship with your baby sounds very intense and verging on a bit unhealthy in terms of your relationship with your DH, your family and friends. We all need a break and I strongly believe that having some form of life away from our children is really important - even if its only a couple of hours here and there at first. You and your child will benefit from that.

It's up to you whether you allow grandparents to take your child out (though Personally I think it's sad when parents get really possessive over their child to the extent that they stop them forming positive relationships with others)

However I am shocked that you don't 'allow' your dh to have time alone with his child. He is an equal parent and I think it's awful that your dd is being denied that

Brilliant post, NiceCupOfTea.

Having a new baby is a shock and massive adjustment. There is plenty of time for relationships with gps to develop and the most important thing is that the parents and the baby are relaxed, happy, together as they wish it.

To be honest, op, it doesn't sound like your mil respects your parenting choices really as she's trying to assert herself through your dh.

As for her having brought up dh and he survived - that is really not the point, is it? The mil did it her way with her children and now the op wants to do it her way with her own children.

If the mil backed off, showed respect and consideration for the op's preferences, then I bet you everything would be absolutely fine and far more conducive to friendlier relations.

I was a bit like this when DS was very little, it's quite normal to be very protective over your babies, I also felt my MIL was a bit judgemental and wasn't too keen on some of her ideas. However, I also have many many fond memories of spending time with my grandmother, well all my grandparents really but I spent more time with this particular one.

I really want DS to have the same relationship with as many of his grandparents as possible, so I've gritted my teeth and ocassionally put aside my own feelings for 'the greater good' and DS is actually so much better off for it. He is now 13 months and his face lights up whenever he sees them and he has so much fun with them.

I was really I'll earlier this week and really couldn't look after DS on my own, my lovely MIL came to the rescue and knowing that DS was off to spend a fun day with Granny rather than a traumatic day without mummy was a real comfort.

I was ill not I'll btw.

She does allow her dh to have time alone.

Don't let MIL force the pace. You will let go of your child gradually and when you are ready and in your own way. Your child: your rules. She needs putting in her place very firmly.

I too fear for my future as a granny. Destined to be the other granny as a mum of two boys I'll be at the mercy of future daughter in laws.

Op your mil wasn't trying to coerce you into leaving your baby she probably thought she was doing a nice thing by offering you the chance for you and dh to spend some time together.

It sounds like you can't or won't accept that other people can meet your baby's needs.

It all depends on whether you feel you can trust the PIL doesn't it? Also on what you know about your baby and how well she expresses her needs, settles, sleeps, so can be looked after effectively by someone else.

My first DD, nine weeks old, has just gone to her GPs house, 20 mins drive across town, for the day - about 6 hours - so I can do some revision for my OU course (yes, just warming up!). She did the same last Saturday for the first time (EBM-fed).

They've spent quite a bit of time with her here, so plenty of opportunity to see how we do things and ask about stuff and we've been to their house with her a few times. I like them and feel they're reasonable people who won't deliberately go against my wishes and will ring if there's any problem and every couple of hours to let me know things are fine.

In the first few weeks MIL would keep saying 'shall I feed her?' whenever she woke up, meaning 'can I, please, me!' and I said no, 'next time', or just got on with it a few times as I was still getting comfortable with doing things myself. Similarly I'd take DD back after she'd held her for a while if grizzly, as I felt I could settle her better (and could). A couple of weeks ago MIL proposed taking DD to a cafe with her friend, 2 mins walk away and I wasn't initially comfortable with that but, a week later, let them go. They've been out for little walks recently when MIL's been minding her at our house too.

There's absolutely no way I'd let DD out of my sight with someone I didn't trust practically, to phone for us straight away if in doubt and to tell me about anything that happened though.

I did have a small outburst with DP after he and MIL had said jokingly 'don't tell mummy what you've been doing' when I came into the room once, as, while it was nothing untoward at all and they were just being silly, it's a seed of secrecy and doubt we did not need planted and which could only have jeopardised MIL and DD's relationship.

I'm with your MIL that you sound unhinged from your OP. When DD was tiny I was firmly in the AP bracket but even I would have thought at someone insisting that their 11 week old could not be permitted out without their mother. And all this talk of not being separated at all whatsoever smacks of either something being wrong or that you harbour some sort of issues with your MIL. How shocking she should offer you a break for a couple of hours

As for alone time, most babies I know will not countenance giving attention to others when their mother is in the room so it's nice for GPs etc to go out without you so that they can have some of the baby's attention for a change.

You sound possibly the most extreme case of PFB/MIL loathing I have ever seen on here and I feel exceedingly sorry for your ILs and your DH, who you are putting in an impossible position. I'm just glad that I have a DD and will never be in the horrible position of an excited MIL who is pushed away from her own GC by a very unpleasant sounding daughter in law. Sorry to all of you with boys.

and parenthood is a long and difficult road. When your DS is two, has hand, foot and mouth, is incredibly irritable, you have been dealing with it alone for 4 days solidly as DH is at work, you have lost your precious day of annual leave on monday (because nursery won't take them when they're ill) because you've had to look after a poorly, whiny, irritable toddler for whom you can do nothing right - it's a fucking relief to be able to phone your MIL and say "I'm at my wit's end - PLEASE TAKE HER". Think about that

[no, this is not a description of my weekend, oh no...]

Op, don't worry. You're not unhinged at all. You just don't want to do what other people want you to do with your baby just yet and that's fine. Give it time and you'll feel a lot more comfortable.

But make sure you leave your child with people you trust who will do what you ask and deliberately flout your preferences to make a point.

Towards the end of last year I was pregnant and dh had been unwell and we'd been talking about hospital visits and appointments a lot. Foolishly we didn't think about what ds was picking up. He went for a sleepover with my in laws. He goes about once a month. When he was there he told fil that if was worried about us and scared we were going wo die. The poor wee thing had put two and two together with regard to the talk of hospitals etc. fil was able to reassure him we were fine then filled us in so we could again reassure ds.

I was so happy if felt comfortable enough within his relationship with my in laws to share his worries.

My opinion is and will always be, anyone who loves my child/ren is OK by me. My DC have always had alone time with their aunt and uncle, both sets of GP's and their great-granny since they were born. Ditto with my DNeices and DNeph and my god-daughter with us.

I am happy and content that they are surrounded by people who know them and love them. I know that my DC are too.

Takingiteasy - hopefully you'll get daughters in law like me and my best mate. Can't wait to see MIL in the knowledge that rest and relaxation await when DD goes charging off towards her yelling "NANNY !!!!"