to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

[Bethan31]

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

Oh, and you can hardly criticise her for following the (weaning) guidance that was being given at the time.

When I was little, there weren't seat belts in the back of most cars - doesn't mean our parents didn't love us, or were incapable, it just means times were different. Doesn't mean that grandparents of that age would let people ride around without seatbelts now, for example.

The issue seems to be, you are assuming she will do things you don't want her to, without giving it a try, and seeing.

I think you sound PFB

But your baby, your rules.

Just don't be whinging in 2 years time when no one wants to take your toddler.

"You don't own your children. You share them."? They're not possessions.

I think some of the posters on here sound as proscriptive as they think the op is.

The people who say "Your baby, your decsion" and the like,..... surely it's the OP's dh's baby too ?

As an elderly mum of 4 I really feel you may be being unreasonable. Would it hurt for grandparents to take their grandchild for a 1 hour walk? It is what most grandparents do.

I was terrified leaving dd1 with my mum aged 3 days while I went to buy her Christmas presents (was too nervous to buy them before she was born.

Dd1 is now off to university. She survivied. I understand how you feel but don't really get it. Take all the help you can, but still stay in charge. With 4 big kids I know this is what keeps you sane.

Totally agree it's the DH's baby too - but sounds like he is ruled by the women in his life

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown

Like your post Nice,

OP - if you MIL is like this with her GC what do you think " she" was like as a first time mother to her baby?

Was she open and ready to hand baby over to her MIL and others?
I very much doubt it.

I wonder if MIL had been a little more humble, asked OP - would you like a break or may I take GC out - or can I shadow your routine...and seemed open and willing to listen to DIL about her parenting choices whether DIl may have acted differently?

OP do whatever you feel happy with.

I gave into my MIL - she wanted DD alone so she could do things her way , totally ignore my routine, undermine me, and wash and re dress my DD as soon as she got her. I felt very uncomfortable with her having her, and she did for about 3 days a month, usually 8am to 8pm.

After 4+ years my DD now says she doesnt want to go there, and gets stressed if we say she is. I have decided its not my fault if in those years they havant forged a bond with her due to thier over bearing incredibly strict ways.

I am now not going to force my DD to go there. By the way - 3 times a month all day and sometimes over night still wasnt enough for her, she still told people I was stopping her from seeing her GC.

She also once wanted me to hand over my DD to strangers ( to me) to fly to germany to meet her there!!!!

I know I will get blamed for stopping her going there for hours alone. But I have been blamed for everything anyway.

I am not going to offer up my next child at all to her altar for her pleasuree at my suffering.

Op - some people will not bend and will not listen. Your and DH relationship with DD is THE most imp one at the moment, as Nice said - they dont need to be second parenets to enjoy thier GC and vice versa. Time changes things - every thing is organic and I would suggest MIL backs off and gives you some room, and hopefully one day you will feel able to let her have her for a little bit.

( the one good thing that came out of DD staying with her GP was learnig to stand up for herslef and say NO< and I will love her for ever for pooing in MIL living room whilst potty training!)

You're being OTT and YABU. especially when you've already decided that your MIL will never be able to spend time with you DD..
What about your mum? is she allowed? And your husband not even being allowed to be with his own DD. I think its healthier for everyone to let go a little and trust the people in your life, especially those close to you and DH.Will your child be going to nursery? May be at this stage you feel that way and I can understand it. My mum was also overbearing when my child was born but I decided to give her that space and allow her to play the GM role and my DD is now 5 and they have a wonderful relationship and I trust her completely...

Thanks again for the responses it is great to hear all the views. Elizaregina, you are right when you say if she had asked rather than told me she was taking dd out it would have been easier, even though I wasn't ready for anyone to take dd out at that point. My parents have seen dd as much as pils, but are generally more chilled out and offered to look after her if I needed it but tbh I haven't felt the need to be apart from dd.

Mil gave dh a hard time this afternoon saying dd should be drinking orange juice by five months and said she'll bring some next time she visits, I'll let dh explain we're not planning to give orange juice yet ;)

It was whisky for the gums when mine were little. Think yourself lucky

op YANBU Your baby, your rules. End of! Babies are most definatly not peoples property, however for the next 18 years all decision making is down to you and your dp, im sure you have your babies best interests at heart.

This week i have had to leave dd with my sister for an hour a day as my dh is in hospital, its been unbelievably difficult. My dd is almost 7months old and i have never letf her with anyone other than dh. I am not unhinged, ott, overprotective, entitled or any of the other ridiculous names that you have been called.

Our dd has a great relationship with her paternal gps, never stayed with them on her own, yet she still lights up when she sees them and they do the same for her. I don't think i could leave her overnight until 6/7 years old with anybody, (if she decides sooner that she wants to stay over night than of course all being well she will be allowed to). She has 2 parents who are wanting, willing and able to put her to bed every night with a cuddle and a story, she has a network of people around her who love her and are there for her when needed. You do what is best for your child and your family. You sound like a very loving mother and father YANBU

YANBU. I think eventually you'll feel different about being apart from your baby. They need to respect that. What's the rush to get her away from you? They can still build a relationship when you're around.

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my baby with someone who feels it is acceptable to tell you your baby "should be drinking orange juice" (or anything else for that matter). She clearly thinks she knows best and I wouldn't trust her.

Someone said this was a MIL slating thread. Just bossy, interfering MIL's.

Maybe you have misread your MIL's intentions. Perhaps she thinks it might be nice if you had a break to yourself and is offering a way for you to do that. That's quite nice of her really?

My MIL sounds quite similar to yours, she always wants to help and be involved, but it's all coming from a good place, it took me a little while to see it that's all. I also try and remember that she did such a good job raising DH, I decided to marry him, so she can't be all bad.

From my own point of view I really wanted my boys to have a good relationship with all their grandparents, as I had missed out on that as a child. My boys are lucky enough to have 4 grandparents that adore them, I would have hated to have deprived them of that. Despite Dh's parents living 100 miles away the boys have an excellent relationship with them. My boys have spent the whole day with them today and had a great time. They don't always get it right and some things they do drive me mad, but they love them and I have to focus on that being very important.

Of course YANBU - your gut instinct tells you all you need to know. As for creating a bond with her grandparents, what on earth stops that bond from being created with you around?

My inlaws have a brilliant relationship with DS (3), who loves them very much, but they don't look after him by themselves - we meet up as a family.

Maybe you could say that you think that she will form a stronger bond with them if she meets them in a familar enviroment when she won't be stressed with separation anxiety??

Or you could just be very firm. When MIL made some odd comments about why I was continuing to breastfeed after 6 months I just told her straight away that I was doing what I thought was best, and while I appreciated her concern, I was going to continue as I saw fit. Now we only have nice friendly conversations about the weather/news/Xfactor!

kateand2boys

Op said MIL was bossy and overbearing and a bully - and her DH said that.

Unfortunatly when people like her MIL and mine come on like steam rollers, its hard to create an open discussion...when someone is pushing and demanding.

her MIl needs herself to learn how to approach in a nice humble manner, remebering she has had her turn and now its DIl and S turn to raise a child thier way.

it hardly creates atmos of trust when some one is thrusting thier ideas on all the time.

A MIL/DIL relationship is a classic one for problems, we all know this - so both parties should come at it - in a flexible reasonable manner.

YANBU.

YANBU, your baby and your rules. My MIL can be overbearing too, I encourage DD to have lots of cuddles and playtime with MIL when we see her (about twice a week) and she did have her for 30 minutes when she was about 6 weeks old whilst I had a doctors appointment but she slept the whole time. I won't let her have DD alone now since she bought formula for my nephew when he was BF "just in case". My DH gets alone time with DD and I have no qualms about leaving her with him but I neither feel the need (nor does DH) to go out with DH without her. Perhaps we're being PFB but I waited a long time to have my DD and we both did not have a child to palm it off on its grandparents. This is the norm in DH's family but certainly not in mine and whilst my family would be happy to babysit if required, I know MIL would love time alone with DD, even though she can't cope when she cries and has struggled with Dnephew, who is a couple of months older, when she had him on her own.

Mil gave dh a hard time this afternoon saying dd should be drinking orange juice by five months

I think MIL just needs a bit of re-education. This was probably the advice she was given many years ago. I would invest in buying her a modern baby book so that she knows what the guidelines are now. You know orange juice is a bad idea, but don't use it as reason to create a barrier (which it sounds as though you are doing from your OP). This is not a criticism of you, it is completely normal to be protective with your first one, it's just about realising when to let go and to do it with confidence, rather than mistrust and fear. You have to manage your dcs relationships with others.

I know how you feel, I am a first time Mum My DD is 14 weeks. I had a great relationship with my MIL before I had DD and expected to want her to babysit all the time. Once I had her though I felt very worried about leaving her with anyone at all. Gradually though I started to leave her with my parents and now feel ready to let her be minded by MIL. Be careful that you don't ruin your relationship with MIL as she is probably just excited to have a new grandchild. Be honest with her about how nervous you feel and just take small steps as others have said, take a shower while she minds her downstairs or even takes her for a walk. But at the end of the day it is your baby and if you try a few times and don't feel comfortable then wait a few more weeks before you try again. MIL will understand she was a new Mum once too :)

YANBU. There is no reason really why your MIL has to have her 5 month old grandchild to herself without you there. I know many poster will feel that you are being unkind and a bit paranoid not to allow this, and I certainly did with my own MIL. However, the key thing is I never ever felt my MIL had an agenda, was determined to have a (final) say on how we cared for DS, or wasn't going to respect our wishes. -

Without that kind of trust, leaving your child with your MIL is a pretty difficult thing to do. Personally, I don't advocate lying or finding excuses, but being clear about why you are unhappy, however gently. You could use the orange juice thing as an example-it isn't that having or not having juice is a vital issue (we didn't give it until much later either, btw), but she has taken it upon herself to decide what will happen about it when she really should be asking if anything.

I am sorry OP but YABU

It's a very gentle YABU though as I know it is hard, especially with your first and when they are young.

When I feel like this I repeat "it takes a whole village to raise a child" and remind myself that strong relationships with people other than me are healthy and enriching for them.

Sorry but I think this is a bit pfb and that's coming from a first time mum with a 14 week old.

I understand not overnight etc (although I ditched wor bairn at 6 weeks for a while so I could see the hunger games) but a few hours or even an hour? At 5 months?

That's a bit over the top

When I said I didn't feel ready, she proceded to tell me I needed to for my relationship with dh and insisted continually, using every reason and guilt trip she could, to make me let her take dd out.

You see it as coercion. I think most of the rest of us would see it as genuine concern in the face of a daughter in law that is telling everyone that she won't let her own husband look after his own child. You are manipulating the situation to get what you want. And you accuse herof being controlling

Yanbu at all.

Your child, your call.

I wasn't comfortable with either of the dses being away from me in the early months. SOme people are fine with it, and that is also reasonable!

Everyone's different.

You can still let the relatives spend loads of time with your baby and sounds like you are, so just do what feels right. It's such a short time. Before you know it, she'll be a tearaway toddler andyou'll be happy to hand her over