to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

[Bethan31]

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

My little one was 7 weeks when I first left him with my partner for a significant period of time (not including the occasional walk). I had to go out for three hours and our son was unable to go with me. I spent the entire weekend expressing milk and left my partner with all sorts of instructions ('he will need a feed after two hours', 'make sure you talk to him' and the like). When I returned home three hours later, baby was fed and changed, the house had been cleaned too and even the pets were happy! He wanted to prove to me ?how well he was able to manage?.

We then left baby with my mother at 9 weeks for just over an hour to go to the bank. I called twice in this time ?just to make sure? all was okay. My mother was chuffed and spent the next week talking about ?babysitting? her grandson.

Both times have made me feel reassured that if I do need to go somewhere, or something happened to me, our precious little boy is in good hands!

Thanks for all the responses, btw dh does look after lo without me, but no one else has done yet...

Thanks for all the responses, btw dh does look after lo without me, but no one else has done yet...

You complain that your mil makes you sound unhinged but you're the one who has her convinced that you are such a control freak that even your dh isn't allowed to be alone with his own baby. If you portray yourself as deranged, distrustful and paranoid then obviously people will accept how you present yourself as truth. Your poor mil must be very worried.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting other people mind your baby until you feel that your baby is ready to be apart from you, there is something very wrong with being offended with offers of babysitting and believing that you will never want anyone else near your baby. Babies benefit from adoring grandparents/uncles/aunts/cousins, they gain nothing from being isolated from loving family members by clingy, overbearing parents. There's something a bit disturbing about that tbh.

Thanks for all the responses ? Is that it?
People have taken the time to say what they think and you have nothing else to say ?

ANiceCupOfTea has put it nicely. Far better than I did.

I love my DMIL and DM and know they're both fabulous women, capable of looking after my babies, and who love them very much.

But it didn't mean I was ready to leave DD with either of them until I felt ready, not when they first asked me. It'll be the same with DS - he'll get left when I feel ready to leave him, not when someone asks to have him.

WTF is wrong with saying 'thanks for the responses' ?!

I didn't realise people were obliged to respond in a certain way after people give their yanbu/yabu verdict.

She's trying to give you and your dh some couple time. Whether you want it or not is your own business, but bring "horrified" at the suggestion is ridiculous.

YABVU if you won't even leave your DD with her own father. And I think it is a bit mean not to let your MIL look after the baby when she so obviously wants to. That's my opinion. I know it's not what the majority thinks.

The OP states in the OP that her dh does look after the baby without the OP. She says she's told mil baby has never been away from her.

OP I don't think you should let mil think dh never looks after your baby, as she can use that to make you seem overprotective and unhinged.

OP You say mil is a bully and overbearing and does not agree with your weaning choices. Also that you don't trust her to keep to your wishes.

Also, 5 months is still quite young, and they live 90 miles away. It's not as if your baby is familiar with mil, as not seeing her that often.

I know she's probably excited, but that's tough. You don't have to let your baby go to her away from you if you don't want. If she wants to look after a baby on her own she can try to get a job as a nursery assistant or childminder

FWIW, I would have left my babies with a qualified nursery or childminder that I had decided if I was happy with, at that age, when I needed to, but not my particular MIL. They are all different.

Well the granny doesn't really know the baby and you don't really trust the granny. Best to trust you instincts. I was the same with my first. Never let her go far without me. With all my children now I am quite careful about who takes them and would never let granny have them on her own. She has a pack of rescue dogs and a completely different way of parenting which I don't agree with.

Next time she says something - don't answer, just change the subject.

''oh have you been out yet'' (her)
'' have you tasted the chocolate cake here yet'' (you)
''(again) have you and partner gone out yet?'' (her)
'' I'm not going to discuss it with you'' then change topic. Give no reasons or explanations for what you do. (you)

Thanks Nicecupoftea. Mil also has very rigid patenting views, eg she weaned dh at two months and believes babies should be disciplined if they make loud noises. Conversely I don't ever leave dd to cry, give her lots of smiles and cuddles and will wean at 6 months. I've made mil very welcome to visit, I just don't feel I can trust her to respect my mothering views if she were to take dd out.

Ohdearnigelosaurus, I didn't go into detail in my original post but the 'coercion' by mil I mentioned involved me inviting her to visit, then she told me, rather than asked me, that she would take dd out. When I said I didn't feel ready, she proceded to tell me I needed to for my relationship with dh and insisted continually, using every reason and guilt trip she could, to make me let her take dd out. You may not feel its a big deal, but I had a very traumatic pregnancy, labour and birth and I just didn't feel ready for dd to go out with someone else. I don't expect gc to provide childcare for me and have always been kind and polite to mil. Being a parent or gc doesn't automatically make you a nice person and frankly I don't think mil is, dh himself lives in fear of her and has believes her to be a bully, its just a shame I have to stand up to her as I find bullying behaviour very stressful.

Wereofftoseetgewizard - I am reading through the responses and posting replies, I thought it polite to write thanks first as with over 100 replies I can't possibly write responses to all immediately!!!

Ah an aibu by drip feed

Hi gigondas, what is aibu? Sorry I'm new to this...thanks x

I don't know your MIL or the background and obviously if there is bullying that is not good.

But from what you describe maybe your MIL is just trying to be nice

1. I think it is important to get a babysitter and spent quality time with your DH (& try and talk about something else than babies!). If she is offerring to babysit then maybe take her up on it - even if it's just an hour - long enough for a nice meal & drink somewhere
2. You have made yourself sound a bit deranged to your MIL saying that you can never leave your DD - so maybe she is a bit concerned that your relationship is going to suffer
3. What harm really can a GP do in a couple of hours? Ok you have different parenting styles but it doesn't mean that she can't be trusted to play with your DD, take her for a walk in the park etc.

I think you need to relax a little and maybe let your MIL look after DD even if it's just for an hour whilst your upstair having a long bath & build it up from there.

Eventually you will be leaving your DD with strangers for childcare ;if you work) so an he with a doting GP is unlikely to harm & may be good practice.

Well my MIL hasn't seen my dcs for 5 years because it's too much trouble to come (we go to her most times) and my own dm is too old to cope with visits longer than a couple of hours. No other family members show enough interest to actually help out at all. And although I don't necessarily need the help it would be so much better for dcs to have other adults in their lives.

If anyone has a spare granny hanging around, feel free to send them my way!

Am I being unreasonable. It's quite a robust area of Mn. If you are genuinely concerned about your mil and your dd then relationships is probably a better place to post for advice.

YABU

You do sound a bit overprotective. Of course you and DH adore her. Bt so do your in laws! You could be a bit more understanding and generous with your baby. An hour or two is not much time, especially at that age when she should be a bit more predictable now. I'm not sure if the issue is with the in laws or that you just wouldn't leave her with anyone? But at what point will you start leaving her with someone?

I didn't leave DD with anyone until she was a year old other than with DH, church crèche and 2hrs with PIL while we collected belongings from storage and couldn't fit DD in the car too.

It all got loads better for me once DD was weaned. MIL was always asking about formula (DD was BF) or weaning, and I just didn't want the stress. Now PIL have DD 2 days a week (inc overnight) and DD is happy to be with anyone, including my parents who don't see her much. It's not caused any social issues nor has it affected their relationship.

Things will change especially as your DC grows up and can make their wishes known. But under 1yo was a struggle and I simply wanted to be with her. BFing helped that as I fed on demand until DD was 1 and she wouldn't take a bottle from anyone else (except DH!)

Just read your post NiceCup, you are storing up a lot of trouble for yourself and dc by not letting your child out of your sight. As someone said further along the thread you don't own your children, you share them.