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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

176 replies

Bethan31 · 27/05/2012 03:52

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
WitchOfEndor · 27/05/2012 08:26

YANBU my DM was always happy to get me out of the way when DS was little and I did initially think, as other posters have said, that since she had brought up two children herself what was the harm. But whenever DS cried she was convinced it was wind, whether it was just after a feed or two hours after a feed. So after coming back to find him either starving or with a huge poo leak that she hadn't noticed, with her walking up and down shushing him because he had 'wind' again I realised that she had either forgotten what babies were really like or that I had spent most of my babyhood either hungry or covered in shit whilst being jiggled for the wind I didn't have! I tried explaining it was probably nappy then hunger as DS really wasn't a windy baby but she just nodded and did the same thing again and again. So eventually I lied and said that DS had refused to take bottles so that she could still look after him but for shorter periods where I was there to intervene if needed.

TheQueenOfSheba · 27/05/2012 08:29

Thanks EmmaCate Grin. It always felt like people were trying to undermine me. People are especially inclined to do this if they think you are 'overprotective'.

skateboarder · 27/05/2012 08:31

I felt exactly like you op and struggled with leaving dd1 with my mil. As she lives a distance away the chances of her being on her own with mil were very few and far between.
I began by asking her to babysit when dd1 was in bed. Then by asking her to watch dd1 whilst we were in the house.
At this point mil showed that she wasnt that bothered as she would ignore dd1. One day she was feeding dd and her phone rang. She put dd down and spent 5 mins on the phone arranging a date walking away from dd as she was sobbing too loudly. Im a lot more chilled ou.t these days and pick my battles but i think u should at least try to leave your lo with mil but when you are ready. And definately your dh should take her out without you, you would be glad of the break.

herethereeverywhere · 27/05/2012 08:34

YANBU I have a 14 week old DS and I have never gone further than the local shops to get milk and back in 5 minutes without him and then he was with DH.
I have had a few comments about being 'too attached' etc but I like being with him and I enjoy looking after him!

ginmakesitallok · 27/05/2012 08:40

YABU about not leaving DD with your DH - that's not your decision to make. DD is his DD too, and he should be able to spend time with her how he wants to.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/05/2012 08:43

YABU and storing up trouble to not even leave her with her father.

Also, your MIL is trying to do a nice thing. What is the harm in letting her take your DD out in the pram for an hour?

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 27/05/2012 08:44

She does let her DH take the baby out alone by the looks of it, just doesn't want to let on to her mil that that is the case.

I think YANBU OP, mine are 6 and up and I still don't like it, although it happens very, very occasionally.

FallenCaryatid · 27/05/2012 08:52

'When I first left my son with my mum, i said, 'if he cries for more than 10 mins take him to A&E' and I really meant it - he never cried that much you see. My mum was wise enough to keep her mouth shut and agree, not questioning my overprotectiveness.'

God Klickclack, I was exactly like that with my PFB Grin and I was so grateful afterwards that my mum kept her poker face on and treated all my hysterical and precious statements with respect. I apologised for everything at around the 6 months mark and we had a giggle.
OP, you do what you and DH think is best.
I'd let MIL and him take the baby out together without you, but not MIL alone as she isn't respecting your wishes. It doesn't matter whether they are realistic worries or not, they are how you feel at the moment and she should be patient and co-operate. Not pressurising and making you feel rushed into things you aren't comfortable with.

Flisspaps · 27/05/2012 08:55

YANBU about MIL.

Leave your baby when you are ready. DD was about 8mo when I left her for 20 minutes with MIL (first time I'd left her with anyone other than DH)

I spent the whole time in a state of mild panic as I'd been 'encouraged' to leave her rather this suggesting it myself.

She is 2 now, I still hate leaving her with anyone. I've never been 'glad of a break' and always feel I've not had children to palm them off onto others. Babies don't need time to build 1-1 relationships with grandparents anyway, that can come later Smile

DonkeyTeapot · 27/05/2012 08:55

In all honesty, I think YABU. The baby is five months old, right, not 11 weeks? I undertsand that you don't feel ready, but do you not worry that you're creating a clingy child who can't be away from her mum? I think you have to grit your teeth and let MIL look after DD for an hour or so. Feel free to set some rules (eg no chocolate / food) and make it known that you expect your wishes to be adhered to.

FWIW, my MIL put DD in a swing at the park, before she could even sit up. I did my nut, and she has behaved herself since.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 27/05/2012 09:04

my MIL was a hassler too...in all honesty I wonder if she'd not asked at all would you have felt ok about it? Now it's like a stand-off!

FizzyLaces · 27/05/2012 09:06

Been there. I bet she has a packet of choc buttons stashed in her bag for when your back is turned :S

bibbitybobbitybunny · 27/05/2012 09:10

Seriously? You have never been apart from your baby in 5 months? I'm afraid I think you sound a tiny bit obsessive.

DinahMoHum · 27/05/2012 09:15

I think YABU but i think its probably quite common to be a bit OTT for a first baby.

What do you imagine is going to happen. Who are you worried for? You, or the baby?

Horsetowater · 27/05/2012 09:21

I think you set yourself a whole new set of problems by making yourself and dp the only significant adults in a child's life. It is slightly egotistical, imo.

It is definitely not in the interest of the child.

EggWhiteOmelette · 27/05/2012 09:23

YANBU, but bear in mind you will one day need childcare and to have two sets of willing GPs is a wonderful thing. Dont look a gift horse in the mouth.

Rabbitee · 27/05/2012 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DueinSeptember · 27/05/2012 09:30

I think YANBU. I went through similar (though for a few different reasons perhaps). I think the demands/ nagging/ guilt trips make you feel like going the total opposite way and you resist more. In the end, I left my child with my MIL at 8 months to go to a party. My DH had looked after her regularly on his own up until this point, but we had not left her with anyone else.

mumto2andnomore · 27/05/2012 09:40

Let them enjoy their grandchild , I hope when my children make me a grandma they let me push the pram around and show the baby off Smile

Riversidegirl · 27/05/2012 09:42

I think you're being unreasonable.

It's painful for Grans not to have contact with their grandchildren and Grans feel very rejected when denied this lone time. Dad turned out OK didn't he so she must be more than capable?

Why not look on it as an opportunity to be able to have a little 'me' time (or 'us' time Wink).

pmgkt · 27/05/2012 09:49

Maybe your dh could explain to his mum that you are concerned that they won't look after the baby in a way you ask them to. Then maybe next time they are down if they have listened to him and seem to be supporting you then maybe ask if they want to take the pram out for a quick walk but state they must be back by a set time for a feed. That way it will be a nice surprise for them yet if you aren't comfortable you still have control. They will be made up and let's hope they appreciate it and respect you. At 5 months old not much can really go wrong at worst a late feed.

You may find that by you telling them that dh doesn't take dc out by himself you are making the situation worse as they may think you have a problem which they see they need to help you with.

You are being a little ott, they are not a danger to your child even though they may not do things quite as you would.

It is important for your child to be happy to be looked after by someone other than you or dh, otherwise what will happen if something crops up and you need to leave her, you will be far more worried as you know she is not used to it.

squeakytoy · 27/05/2012 09:59

Obviously it is your choice, but dont be surprised when as time goes on, your MIL doesnt seem to be that interested in her grandchildren.

Your child will not come to any harm just because you are not there for a short time, being looked after by someone who managed to raise your husband when he was a baby.. she is not a stranger, she is your baby's grandparent.

You are in danger of having a very clingy child who will go into meltdown if you have to be away from them at any point.

lechatnoir · 27/05/2012 10:00

Never being more than a room apart after 5 months (& no intention of doing so anytime soon) sounds totally OTT and I really can't see how this is healthy for you or your relationship with your DH if you can never have some time alone as a couple. Would a hour stroll in the buggy or playing with granny at home whilst you go to the hairdressers/dentist/cafe really be such a big deal?

Are you the same with your own mother OP? I'd be worried about you too if I were your MIL and I can see no malice only concern in her comments.

MsKittyFane · 27/05/2012 10:07

YABU unless your MIL is a complete liability.
You are also BU not 'allowing' your DC's father to look after his own child!

Lovetats · 27/05/2012 10:07

To be honest, I'm really surprised at the number of people agreeing with the OP.

It appears to me that you just don't like your PIL, OP, as it seems to anger you that they want to build a relationship with your child without you helicoptering over them. I just don't understand why, assuming that these GPs are pleasant, normal folk, why you'd a) deny them and your child this relationship and b) be so affronted at the thought of it.

When my children have babies, I'd be devastated to be kept at arms length. I could quite understand it if your MiL became distant as she'd probably be trying to protect herself from further hurt.

Yes, your baby is precious but children need more than one person's love and care to grow into well-rounded personalities.