to not want grandparents to take dd out without me?

[Bethan31]

I have a five month old baby whom dh and I adore. Both sets of grandparents also adore her and live in different places around 90 miles away. They have been welcome ti visit her and have all seen her several times since she was born.

However,MIL can be very overbearing and when dd was 11 weeks old she tried to coerce me to go out with dh so she would look after dd for a couple of hours. I was horrified and made it clear I didn't feel comfortable to be apart from dd but she was welcome to spend time with her at our house. Since then when I phone her or see her (which is becoming less frequent as I feel she is too overbearing) she grills me and dh on whether I go out alone without dd yet and even embarrassed me in front of dh and her husband by asking 'don't I trust her dad (my dh) to look after her' when I said I am never parted from dd last week.

It's her first gc and my first baby and I know she's excited, but I just don't feel comfortable for her to take dd out without me and can't imagine ever wanting to I'm the future. I find her to be a bit of a bully and dh agrees with me, though he's stuck in the middle here. She's already questioned things like out choice of double barreled surname, abbreviated first name, weaning choices etc via dh and it winds me up, I don't trust her to respect my wishes if she took dd out alone and anyway, one of dh and I is always with dd. Mil is now trying to make out I'm a bit unhinged as we told her I'm never apart from dd and that's why she can't take her out alone. I'm thinking of maintaining that dd and I are never apart other than being in different rooms of the house. If I let on that dh takes her out alone then she will expect us to let her too, or play the victim card that 'we don't trust her'.

Am I being unreasonable not to let her take dd out alone for the foreseeable future, and to expect her to play with dd at our house during her monthly visits?

Thanks in advance!

YANBU at all. A parent (you or DH) looking after your child alone is very different to leaving them with another person.

Tbh she's shot herself in the foot as if she hadn't been so pushy and critical then you might feel differently.

Why does she have to be alone with your DD anyway? You sound like you're making her very welcome, why's she so hung up on having her alone.

You might feel differently in the future or you might not but either way us fine.

My DD is almost 7 months and I can see I might be happy to leave her with someone in the future but not yet. And I don't have anyone putting my back up about it.

Fwiw, I think if she does say "you don't trust me" say that's true, as it clearly is, and tell her she's been very critical and as a result neither of you want to leave your DD with her until youre confident she'll respect your patenting and boundaries. Honesty is the best policy I think.

Oh, and finally, your DH isn't stuck in the middle he should be firmly on your side. Do not let him side step this, it should be him doing the saying no. She should know she is not to crticise you to him, he needs to lay down some rules.

Some people obviously didn't listen when they were younger and told the story of the wind and the sun!

I agree with the person who said, many pages ago, that the more protective you are, the more you seem to get other people's backs up and the more they take it upon themselves to go against you/prove you wrong/contradict you.

You and your DH need to present a united front. He's only caught between you and his mum because he chooses to be.

You and DH can take the baby out alone, MIL can't. I don't see why she would think that she and your DH are on equal footing.

You don't trust her because so far she hasn't supported any of your choices. She's pissing on her own chips as far as I can see.

Do you have close relatives on DH's side, OP? What do they think? What about your own siblings? Do any of these have contact with the baby?

FolkGirl

Great point about " being stuck becasue he chooses to be", - am sick of hearing about spinless DH being " stuck " in the middle.

The very idea that she thinks her and DH are on equal footing with baby shows she has no boundaries in her head. Infact she prob sees her self secretly on equal footing with OP - which is the huge problem.

arrgghhh pushy mad MIL's!

I am surprised so many poster are saying think yourself lucky. My family aren't really bothered, well it's worse actually as they blow warmish and cold randomly and without warning, and yes when they don't want to know it really hurts.

However the constant undermining and bullying from IL didn't feel like like something to be grateful for but more something else that upset us.

Like elizaregina says about it was about control. MIL though she'd be picking our DC school ffs.

We mentioned we were enjoying children clothes shopping which resulting in her buying an excessive amount of clothes in a colour DH hated, pink, and fabrics I'd vetoed due to excema. Of course we had to be grateful despite knowing it was done to make a point. There was also a lot of wanting DC and often DH but not me around - and them trying to engineer such situations.

As well as learning how to parent out DC we also had to learn how to manage our parents which TBH kind of sucks.

With ILs we have to be united by backing each other up when they tried to undermine what one of us or both. We refused to go along with situations we were unhappy with.

Roll on a few years and it's worked. The IL respect our decisions with the DC so much so we feel we can leave the DC in their care. It also helps that DC are older and capable of stating if they are unhappy and what they want.

YANBU. I don't understand why grandparents feel the need to be alone with their grandchildren at such a young age and why they push it when the parents clearly don't want it to happen.

I think you need to very clearly say to MIL that you are not stopping her from seeing the baby but you do not want the baby to go anywhere without you or your DH, that's how you have both decided to parent and she will not be able to have her alone so please stop asking.

If she continues to ask then clearly she's not listening and is determined to go against your wishes which is downright rude.

ps, it doesn't matter ONE BIT what other mumsnetters were happy to do with their own children and they can guiltrip you as much as they like, it still doesn't change the fact that you should not accept anything which makes you feel uncomfortable when it comes to your own child.

pps - why on earth does she think she SHOULD be drinking orange juice by five months!

Hear hear Dueling.

Orange juice used to be thought essential for babies - before the invention of baby formula! Perhaps she got that one from her own mother or MIL :)

Although I do distinctly remember having a baby doll in the 80s which came with two bottles, one milk and one orange juice

This is amazing

Ancient book on infant nutrition (scroll past the ads)

You've shot yourself in the foot with the lie about not letting DH take DD out alone. MIL's only conclusions can be either a) she's telling me a bizarre lie or b) she's an overprotective loon. Both ways you look like the bad guy.

You still haven't said if you have issues with any other members of the family.

Perhaps other members of the family don't bully / judge / are not pushy.

I'm not really sure why a new mother/parents has to justify her decisions to anyone, least of all her in laws or parents.

People do things differently and well, if the mil just backed off and sought to support instead of push, perhaps she'd get a better response.

Pissing on her chips - love it!

"I'm not really sure why a new mother/parents has to justify her decisions to anyone, least of all her in laws or parents."

I think because as someone said earlier the baby is a member of a wider family and not a mum's sole possession.

Let's not forget such things as postnatal depression that can set in when mums may need help to think rationaly. Family members are in a good position to spot this.

(and before anyone comments I'm not suggesting the OP has this)

Wrong. The parents are responsible for their child and it is they who have to male decisions based on what they are comfortable with.

This mil in particular does not sound like someone who is supportive and understanding of parents' choices, regardless of whether PND is at play here. She sounds pretty self serving and wants to assert herself over the new mother.

Hi,

Thanks again for all the comments.

Riverside girl - there aren't many other relatives on DH side, MIL doesn't get on very well with her wider family from what I've been told...in her closer family MIL seems to dominate very heavily and unfortunately, regarding babies, prior to LO being born MIL declared that 'there is nothing about babies that I don't know'...I have no problems with any other members on DH or my family.

I liked the suggestion that I could get MIL a book on baby care with the latest guidance, however unfortunately I think she would go beserk if I were to try that, as above, she asserts that there is nothing she doesn't know about babies...

Elizaregina - You are spot on, I suspect that MIL does believe that she is on equal footing to DH and myself, if not higher, due to her 'knowledge'. Very late on in the pregnancy DH and I realised that MIL had assumed that she would be attending the birth - something DH and I had never mentioned. When DH made it clear that she couldn't attend as it was a time for he and I only, she kept hounding and wanting to wait outside the delivery room etc, I did find this very stressful, in the end she accepted that she couldn't come to the birth, however she was leaving messages onmy mobile the day following the birth saying that she wanted to come and see her granddaughter, again, excitement is nice but DH and I didn't want visitors for the first few days as we wanted some private time to bond. I did phone her and invite her to visit when LO was a few days old which was the same as for my side of the family and they all seemed very happy to wait until we felt ready.

Lostinmyhouse - it sounds like you have had a very hard time! I like your suggestion of presenting a united front, I will discuss with DH and make sure he is agreed, sadly it tends to result in arguements as historically he's always let MIL have her own way, within reason, as he didn't have much contact with her prior to LO...

Dueling - thanks for your comments, I agree that if she continues to ignore our wishes then it is downright rude...

Bertie - that is very interesting on orange juice!

PrematurelyAirconditioned - I agree about the bizarre lie/overprotective comment. I have realised that was a bad idea now and will be straight with MIL - I will keep making her very welcome to visit, play with LO etc but if she asks to take her out then I will say that DH and I are not ready for her to be taken out yet, it is true anyway that no one else has taken her out and the truth is that DH and I like to be there for LO if she cries etc as we have chosen to go the non-controlled crying route etc, it is my belief that if lo were to go out with MIL for a couple of hours every six weeks then LO would find that a bit upsetting as she doesn't see her frequently enough to know her. Our approach to separation anxiety is to keep lo close to us until we believe she shows she is happy to be more independent. I know this isn't everyones approach and I don't judge others, but enough experts suggest that keeping LO close to mum/dad until they are a year or so is the best way to make them feel emotionally secure.

Milkmonitor - I agree with your comments, it needs to be up to mum and dad to decide when LO is ready to go out. BTW, LO does socialise a lot, we do swimming, music classes, playgroup, NCT etc so she has plenty of time with other babies and people and is a very happy baby on the whole.

I may suggest to MIL that next time she visits LO would enjoy to play with her in the nursery, but will stand firm on her not going out..

Got to dash as LO has just woken, I will be back on soon :-)

Well I'm quite surprised at the number of people who think that you are being unreasonable and controlling. I have twins who are nearly 9 months old and I have left them maybe 3 or 4 times, only for things like dentist appointments and only with their dad. I don't feel that I need a break from them but then I don't really find looking after them hard. Not compared to the job I had before they were born! I really enjoy my days with them. A break for me is when I have other people around to help out, meaning that I am freed up from the practical side of caring for them and can just hang out and play. I don't need time away from them.

My SIL on the other hand, offloads her baby as much as she can on both sets of grandparents, so much so that there are mild grumblings about it, but for her it is important that her previous life before baby is as unaffected as possible. I can appreciate her point of view but it is not like that for me.

I think it is absolute nonsense that grandparents can't enjoy or bond with their grandchildren in the presence of their mother. I'm not hovering over them like a hawk when they visit or controlling every move. But I'm there in case it all kicks off, which when it happens with twins can be quite dramatic. And I can put my foot down to them being weaned on chocolate ice-cream or full fat coke (tut tut).

Do what you want. It's your child. Your family.

YABU really let go a bit

Next time lie about your due date and don't tell her you're in labour.

Wanting a few days babymoon time is also a crime on MN so I wouldn't bother posting about that either.

Just do what you want when you're ready. Shame your mil isn't open to listening to your preferences and is arrogant enough to assume she knows everything about babies. You'd all be so much happier if she were just relaxed and supportive.

Beamae - thanks, I couldn't agree more, I also love being a mum and don't feel the need for lots of breaks, I appreciate lo benefits from other interaction and its lovely to see her enjoying other company, but I like to be nearby rather than out and about. Congrats on your twins :)

Rabid - thanks for your view

No you are not unreasonable.my baby is 5 months & I have only just left her with her granny for a couple of hours. she sees her granny nearly daily & knows her well & it's my mum & she knows how I do things. No way would I leave baby with nil as we are just not that close & baby doesn't know her that well.
Your baby, listen to your instinct. X

I just think there are a lot of comments on this thread which imply that there is something wrong with you, but only you know the true nature of your personal situation and family set up. Mothering is instinctive. Do what you feel is best without second guessing yourself. When the time is right for you to leave your child with someone, you'll know.

Have just read whole thread and your -i-l sounds a bit overbearing. I don't blame you for being resistant to her attempts to take over. Different families different attitudes I guess. My dd's m-i-l and I have never had to ask to have time with the babies. We have always been asked,made welcome and appreciated. Now I do regular child care a couple of afternoons a week and she does occasional sleepovers. We all get on really well.

No you are not unreasonable.my baby is 5 months & I have only just left her with her granny for a couple of hours. she sees her granny nearly daily & knows her well & it's my mum & she knows how I do things. No way would I leave baby with nil as we are just not that close & baby doesn't know her that well.
Your baby, listen to your instinct. X