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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Purposely go against MIL (stubborn or not?)

167 replies

CharlieBitMe · 25/05/2012 17:39

I am due to move in with DP in 3 weeks time. His parents live in the next street and his mother has been used to be being a massive part in his life since he left home. I'm finding her so overwhelming and in my face. She says things like "when you move up here, Dr C* will be your doctor (how does she know I'll be changing doctors? I'm quite happy with mine thanks!) and Lizzy Lee will be your hairdresser (errr really??) and Joes across the street is where we get our fruit and veg and (said almost in threatening tone) have done for years , we'll pop in every saturday morning for a tea like we always have ........." and on it goes. She reminds me of a dog pissing all over her territory to remind me of who it belongs to. I don't want to change my doctor. I don't want to use Smoking, mucky lizzy as my hair dresser and I want to continue getting my fruit and veg from Asda.

It all got a much this morning when she suggested to DP that he continue to pay his "bill money" into her account so she can keep on paying his bills and she would continue to collect the £50 a month didlum money!! Its ridiculous. Its almost making me not want to move in.

DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it.

AIBU to go against all her wishes cos im a stubborn cow to let her know I'll be making my own choices and decisions?

She's already chosen next years holiday for us (as they always holiday together apparently). The woman's a bloody nightmare already.

And so not to drip feed - his father brings it upon himself to come down and wash our paintwork and paint our fence etc without asking as if it's his 'job'.

Am I being unfair? I know it's what they're used to but I can't live like this!

OP posts:
Gumby · 25/05/2012 17:40

Get out now Grin

sugarice · 25/05/2012 17:42

Think very carefully about this. She sounds like a massive PITA and it'll get worse .Is your DP likely to back you or her in the event of a row?

OldGreyWiffleTest · 25/05/2012 17:43

Run for the hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllsssss !

ElizabethDarcy · 25/05/2012 17:43

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn or you and DP move far away.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/05/2012 17:44

Move!

manicbmc · 25/05/2012 17:44

Why do you want to move in with this man, who is never going to stand up to his overbearing mother?

tutu100 · 25/05/2012 17:44

They sound quite nice actually! Do you not think she's just trying to be friendly and letting you know about the area?

I think you need to start as you mean to go on, so things that you know will annoy you, deal with them now. E.g you can say to her nicely, "Thank you for sorting out DP's bills up till now, I don't know how he would have coped without you. But we are going to pay the bills by direct debit now."

As you say they are used to doing things for him, so it will take a while for it to sink in that they don't need to do these things anymore. Although I think you could let his dad carry on doing your paintwork unless you desperatly want to do it.

Debeezandbirds · 25/05/2012 17:45

Run.

tartyflette · 25/05/2012 17:45

I think you're going to have to lay it on the line NOW exactly what you will or won't do with your life/doctor/hairdresser etc, otherwise you will find you get walked all over just like your DP does. I do hope the DP backs you up. If not, if could be a very bumpy ride and you may have to think about whether it will be worth it or not.

manicbmc · 25/05/2012 17:45

This man will be absolutely no use in a crisis.

ChaoticismyLife · 25/05/2012 17:46

You need to sit your DP down and point out that she's like that because he allows her to get away with being like that. I'd think very carefully about moving in with him unless you're 100% sure that he'll back you up and not her.

bonzo77 · 25/05/2012 17:46

It will only get worse. It sounds like you OH is not going to back you up. Run!

steben · 25/05/2012 17:46

This sounds like an absolute bloody nightmare and unless you start as you mean to go on and nip this in the bud early on you are in for a lot of dramas. I personally hate the excuse "oh you know what she is like" DH uses it to excuse some of my own MILs outrageous behaviour but luckily I dont have to put with much as she lives v far away. Not sure what diret adice to give apart from take control of finances (kinda wandering why you DP doesnt do this anyway - he s a grown man!) and make it clear it is your house/your life and whilst she is welcome she wil hae to tow your line etc...

AgentZigzag · 25/05/2012 17:49

Moving into the street next to her means you're going to have to set some boundaries if she's behaving like this before you've even moved!

You could see it as her being welcoming and telling you all the places in the area, but even so, it sounds overbearing.

There's no need to get stroppy or anything, if you say 'I'm saying with the doctor/hairdresser I'm with thanks', there's no reason for her to be offended.

If she does decide to get offended, that's her choice.

Sometimes it is good for the DP/DH to sort out their own family members when they're crossing boundaries, but in this case, there are so many small ones it might be worth setting it up yourself so you don't have to go to him every time she's telling you what you're going to do.

Sarcalogos · 25/05/2012 17:49

Run.

LadyofWinterfell · 25/05/2012 17:49

I had a similar situation when me and DH moved in together. MIL had been his shoulder to cry on when his previous marriage broke down, and she was very reluctant to give that up. She'd 'only just' (3 years before) got her baby boy back!

We went shopping for paint and she vetoed all my choices tried it with my wedding dress too , and had her own set of keys to our house. Initially i didn't mind too much, but when we got back from honeymoon to find she'd cleaned every inch of our house (including my drawers under the bed!) I went ballistic. She'd thrown out all of our wedding memorabillia that i'd wanted to keep.

DH read them the riot act, and we haven't had a problem since. ( 8y so far!)

How old is your DP? At some point he will have to cut the apron strings - start with taking over the bills! :o

FlossieMae · 25/05/2012 17:50

I wonder if your cooking will ever be as good as his mum's?

SunnySeeker · 25/05/2012 17:51

Think of the positives..... in future years you may have a free babysitter!

I have a very close family too. My mother stays each month for at least a week, is very much 'at home' in our house, calls up to four times a day, holidays with us and becomes a touch offended if we do something special (e.g. a weekend away) without her.

My partner has learnt to cope with it and now they get on like a house on fire. Sometimes I think she would trade me in to have him as her child instead.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

PurplePidjin · 25/05/2012 17:52

I would be very wary of starting a relationship with someone who has clearly never grown up. Will he throw a tantrum when his pear gets cutted up, or his banana broken? Hmm

Mil is not the problem here. Your dp's lack of appropriate boundaries is!

alarkaspree · 25/05/2012 17:52

I think you need to pick one thing to challenge her over before you move in with your dp. If it were me, it would be the holiday because that's most important - you can just ignore her on the doctor, hairdresser etc. Tell her, or preferably have your dp tell her, that you won't be going on holiday with her next year. If she makes a fuss, and your dp backs down, don't move in with him. You don't have to split up or anything, just know that he isn't ready for the level of independence from his mother that you need him to have to take your relationship to the living-together level of commitment.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 25/05/2012 17:53

"but you know what she's like"

Well you do now. Run hard and fast.

If you don't I'll shall look forward to such threads as MIL wanting to be in the delivery room with you, MIL picking out your wedding dress for you (and buying a matching one for herself) etc.

I am not kidding.

AgentZigzag · 25/05/2012 17:54

Just out of interest OP, how did it get to the point that you're moving into the next street to your MIL?

Did you know her when you chose the house?

You must have agreed it'd be a good idea at some point?

ivykaty44 · 25/05/2012 17:55

You need to be nice and firm and then stay firm, use the broken record a lot

Take MIL for afternoon tea somewhere nice - then tell her that things will change now you are living with your boyfriend, tell her people don't liek change at first but you are making big changes and will get used to them just like she will get used to the big changes - so let her know you are both facing big changes and like most strong woman there will not be any fuss when she doesn't go on holiday with you and you will not fuss when fil comes round to paint the fence as you are not used to someone doing the jobs in the house.

By letting her know you are both facing changes you are both having to accept changes and everyone is nervous of change - it may sink in better

Then when she tries to organise you, you can say oh no we aren't doing zyx remember are chat we are both getting on so well with are changes aren't we

JingleBellBaby · 25/05/2012 17:55

Eeek! I wouldn't be moving in with an adult who doesn't pay their own bills despite living alone.

I'd be really worried that I'd end up being somehow 'responsible' for all the things he should be doing himself but lets his mum do for him.

The shopping/doctors type things wouldn't bother me as much - I'd probably just say 'thanks for the advice' and then make up my own mind.

Atreegrowsinbrooklyn · 25/05/2012 17:56

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN her over..................................................

Seriously though, you need to clearly, calmly and firmly inform her of what you and your DP's mutual plans are going to be. She needs to be told firmly that you are alpha girl now and her role has morphed.

Set ground rules- NO spare key to be given to her. Change locks if she has one already;

Do NOT let any routines become established. You invite her. if she talks of coming over at a particular time because 'she always has' then inform her that you cannot guarantee that you'll both be in at that time so you will invite her. Set up dates to go see her. Then you can leave when you want. Tell her that DP will visit her to see if she needs anything done, that you want to 'look after her' now.

Simply use your own grocers/doctor/hairdresser. Don't make a big announcement. If she questions it, just say simply that you are as loyal to your regulars as she is to hers and isn't it a shame that more folks aren't like us?

Set out 'ground rules' with DP before moving in. Write them down. Make it clear that they are non negotiable regarding personal finances and other coupley stuff. Tell him you do know what she is like but that's not actually sorting out the problem. Ask him if he'd be happy for her to barge in when you are treating him to a lascivious session on the sofa (which you plan to do now you have your own private home!). Say you cannot feel as sexually and sensually free as you'd like to be with the fear of her walking in all the time!

Give FIL a big list of jobs you want doing. Then you can keep him busy enough so as to distract him from doing those jobs what you want to do. Set a time and date for jobs to be done.