To Purposely go against MIL (stubborn or not?)

[CharlieBitMe]

I am due to move in with DP in 3 weeks time. His parents live in the next street and his mother has been used to be being a massive part in his life since he left home. I'm finding her so overwhelming and in my face. She says things like "when you move up here, Dr C* will be your doctor (how does she know I'll be changing doctors? I'm quite happy with mine thanks!) and Lizzy Lee will be your hairdresser (errr really??) and Joes across the street is where we get our fruit and veg and (said almost in threatening tone) have done for years , we'll pop in every saturday morning for a tea like we always have ........." and on it goes. She reminds me of a dog pissing all over her territory to remind me of who it belongs to. I don't want to change my doctor. I don't want to use Smoking, mucky lizzy as my hair dresser and I want to continue getting my fruit and veg from Asda.

It all got a much this morning when she suggested to DP that he continue to pay his "bill money" into her account so she can keep on paying his bills and she would continue to collect the £50 a month didlum money!! Its ridiculous. Its almost making me not want to move in.

DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it.

AIBU to go against all her wishes cos im a stubborn cow to let her know I'll be making my own choices and decisions?

She's already chosen next years holiday for us (as they always holiday together apparently). The woman's a bloody nightmare already.

And so not to drip feed - his father brings it upon himself to come down and wash our paintwork and paint our fence etc without asking as if it's his 'job'.

Am I being unfair? I know it's what they're used to but I can't live like this!

Good God, Sunny, you're a saint!
You can't even have a weekend away on your own and your partner 'has learned to cope with it.'

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN YET!!! - not until you have established some boundaries.

Seriously. Scare him now or you have years of misery ahead.

I thought she sounded well meaning til you got to the bit about the bill money and the holiday.

Run like fuck.

Your mother stays a week a month but that's ok, whereas your partner's overbearing mother isn't? How about you both grow up before you move in together, and set some boundaries?

You are moving in with somebody who still has his Mummy pay his bills?

I'm surprised he doesn't still live at home

Sorry, I completely misread and mixed you up with someone else. Sorry sorry sorry.

It's ok, it's just your DP who needs to grow up. You're fine. All fine. Do have the long chat BEFORE you move in though, as it will get a lot worse if you haven't.

Provincial, it is someone other than the OP whose mother stays a week every month - not the OP's mother.

Just wondering if he takes his washing to her to be done?

Cross posted

"DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it."
Take the hint. That's what he thinks - he expects you to put up with this.

You haven't moved in yet. I would use these three weeks to establish whether you should or should not, because it sounds like a total can of worms you have here.

For starters, why did he choose to live in the next street to his parents? You can live close-by without being that close-by IYSWIM. I find that he is not financially independent rather worrying too. Does his "bill money" actually equate to his bills? Has he any idea how much his bills are? It's just soooooo similar to when I paid "dig money" to my parents, but then I was still living IN THEIR HOUSE. His house in the next street along, paying his mother "bill money" makes his house seem more like a granny-flat/teenager's pad - allowing a little independence but you haven't actuall left home yet.

Oh, and I have to ask, for my own sake only - what the fuck is "the £50 a month didlum money!!"^ that she would continue to collect?

Two things;
Firstly, what is 'didlum money?
Secondly, find yourself a man instead of a child.

Why on earth are you knowingly doing this to your life? I cannot understand why you would want to be involved in that.

If you want to be with this man then you need to move into a home that is yours as much as it is his. Moving in with him is just asking for trouble.

The fence thing with FIL wouldn't bother me in the slightest, love people doing practical stuff for me, means I don't have to lazyarse.

My ex inlaws were like this. This was me "mmm" - then do exactly what I wanted, again, just to be clear, "mmm" - then do exactly what I wanted and so on. They gave up in the end because there was just nothing coming back from me. No rows no self justification just me carrying on in my own sweet way. It's very effective, you can throw in a feet "maybes" or "do you think so's" if you like.

Few NOT feet!

Do not move in with this man until he has demonstrated to you that he is not dependant on his parents, that he can stand up to his mother and that he knows how to pay bills, wash up, do the washing, clean the house, iron and do basic DIY.

I also need to know what didlum money is. Don't make me google.

His mum pays his bills?!?

No. Just no. As the mumsnet wisdom goes, that is a complete sentence!

does she live in south wales, are you to be my new SIL? I think she just loves her son and this is the style of mothering in that family/area. she is trying to make you feel welcome. learn to smile sweetly and say thankyou that sounds great and then do what you please anyway.

Didlum is a kind of local savings scheme. You know, the kind where somebody (a treasurer) ends up in the local paper for running off with the cash and living it up in Hawaii .

Oh dear. I'm interested to hear what you plan to do given all these responses? Sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen to me.

Headagainstwall, I already have. You never know if you should or not on MN, the word could be either an iphone autocorrect or an obscure sexual practice that makes you want to bleach your eyes to forget what you read. Given the context I thought it unlikely to be the latter so I risked it. It seems to be an informal Christmas Club, of the sort that Arthur Fowler embezzled in Eastenders.

I haven't read all the replies, but here is my 2pence worth, my experience being that I live one street from my PIL.
I think the GP/ Salon / greengrocer issue is miss worded, I think she just wanted to be helpful, but hasn't voiced it well. When I moved to the area MIL lived in I needed to know a good GP surgery as it was too far to commute to my GP. And hers has been much better than mine ever was!

Maybe you could try the veg stall once and see if you like it? I find Asda veg goes off quicker than that from my local farm shop - so worth the extra cost. As for the GP just say thanks, but I want to stick with a GP that knows my medical history. Hairdresser - say your hair type needs a special type of cut and only xxxx does it how you like it.

As for the money stuff?! Why on earth has his mum being sorting his bills? There is no excuse for that IMO (I was 18 when I bought my house - I sorted my own bills!).

I think you need to be firm with your partner and say "I am willing to pay my share of bills, but not to your mum. I want to keep track of all our outgoings. I would rather we holidayed as a couple this year - a dirty week away is no place for your mum "

If he will not agree to these I would wonder what life will be like.

My DH will not stand up to his parents, but I will if they are pushing their luck and they know it.

Run. Like the wind. Seriously.

How much of an input did his parents have in choosing the house?

Why does she pay his bills? If your DP is that financially incompetent his mother has to do it, then I would be worried about living with him. If he's that lazy about paying bills, I would worry about living with him.

Is he an only child? Or are there other siblings to take some of the heat off you?

And you find a man like this sexually atractive-really? I say this with the best of intentions btw-I have spent the last 16 years pandering to my mil whims and have only recently-xmas-started saying no-she is not liking it one bit and is currently not speaking to me-I think-dont give a flying fuck!-stand up for yourself now before it gets a whole lot worse!

RUN!