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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Purposely go against MIL (stubborn or not?)

167 replies

CharlieBitMe · 25/05/2012 17:39

I am due to move in with DP in 3 weeks time. His parents live in the next street and his mother has been used to be being a massive part in his life since he left home. I'm finding her so overwhelming and in my face. She says things like "when you move up here, Dr C* will be your doctor (how does she know I'll be changing doctors? I'm quite happy with mine thanks!) and Lizzy Lee will be your hairdresser (errr really??) and Joes across the street is where we get our fruit and veg and (said almost in threatening tone) have done for years , we'll pop in every saturday morning for a tea like we always have ........." and on it goes. She reminds me of a dog pissing all over her territory to remind me of who it belongs to. I don't want to change my doctor. I don't want to use Smoking, mucky lizzy as my hair dresser and I want to continue getting my fruit and veg from Asda.

It all got a much this morning when she suggested to DP that he continue to pay his "bill money" into her account so she can keep on paying his bills and she would continue to collect the £50 a month didlum money!! Its ridiculous. Its almost making me not want to move in.

DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it.

AIBU to go against all her wishes cos im a stubborn cow to let her know I'll be making my own choices and decisions?

She's already chosen next years holiday for us (as they always holiday together apparently). The woman's a bloody nightmare already.

And so not to drip feed - his father brings it upon himself to come down and wash our paintwork and paint our fence etc without asking as if it's his 'job'.

Am I being unfair? I know it's what they're used to but I can't live like this!

OP posts:
Krumbum · 25/05/2012 19:21

What does she say if u say something like "I really like getting my hair cut at so and so place"? Have you told her that you like going to different places than her? She may think she is being helpful and including you and not realise how controlling it comes across,

MsPaperbackWriter · 25/05/2012 19:28

Where are you op?

Agree with others - do NOT move in until your dp grows a pair and stands up to his mother

KK8 · 26/05/2012 00:36

Take it from someone who moved 100 miles away to be with DH, when MIL was right around the corner..........DON'T DO IT!!!

No seriously, if you are to make the move, make sure you have the boundaries set BEFORE you do it. I made the mistake, and paid the price. And I know many others that have.

EllenParsons · 26/05/2012 02:10

Just ignore the stuff about hair dresser etc, though I see that it is annoying. I would not agree to the bill arrangement though, I mean really WTF is that about Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2012 02:18

My Ex-MIL was like this. Note the EX.

WandaDoff · 26/05/2012 02:28

Do you really want this woman as your MIL?

REALLY?

Get out now, while you still can.

IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 02:50

OP i want to shake you!
this is all so very obvious i dont know why you cant see it. you DP is a child in a man's body. you will be fighting this battle with his MIL and him for the whole time you are with him. why do you want to do that?

doormat · 26/05/2012 02:57

i agree with purple, it is down to your dp to check his undercarriage to see if he has any balls and if not to grow a pair....

i also dont see why it should be down to you to inform mil of the bill situation...he needs some backbone to tell his mother himself....

if he cant do it by next week, i would run...as far as you can and dont look back

Thumbwitch · 26/05/2012 03:00

Another one who suggest you get out now - it doesn't matter what she's like, your DP has to take a stand against her. Not you. Him. And if he won't do it now, he won't ever do it - so give him the choice.
It's not about Her or You - it's about Her-running-his-life or HIM-running-his-life.
And if he CBA to run his own life then you don't want to stay involved anyway, or you'll end up being the one to run it for him. Which might sound ok now but won't be whenever you have children in the equation - because he'll just be another child you have to "parent" - and believe me that gets fucking tedious very quickly.

I spent 11y with my ex-fiancé trying to wean him away from his mother and get him to grow up, stand on his own two feet - didn't work. Soon as he dumped me, his new woman took over the mothering and also got in with Mummy, so now he had the both of them running his life. Good luck to him, weak sap that he was and probably still is! Not my idea of a man.

Original poster
CharlieBitMe · 26/05/2012 10:15

The didlum is christmas savings club type thing. See, this annoys me in itself because I'm quite capable of saving up my own christmas money. I feel like a couple of kids that have to give our money to the "grown ups" to look after. I've always been a very independant and private person and I just cant cope with this level of intrusion. DP says he understands but his mum will back off in time but she obviously won't, will she?
It was his choice (guided by MIL I presume) to move to a house in the next street. He was 30 when he moved from his parents house into this house. I told him I wanted to move to a mutual house and start off a new home together. He told his mother who then burst out crying saying she was losing her son etc Hmm and he said he couldn't do that to her as she has heart problems.
And to whoever said they came home to find MIL had tidied their house - she does this too. When he goes away she lets herself in, washes all his clothes, tidied his house up etc. I did tell her that when I move in I'll be washing our clothes and she went behind my back, whinged to DP and then came back to me grinning like a chesire cat saying "He said I can still do them!" - like a child trying to get on up on the neighbours kids.
The whole thing is stressing me out. Even this holiday she's starting laying down the law. "We go for a meal on the first, 4 and last night of the holiday, we go for a siesta at 1pm every day ..... " You do!!! I don't!!!! argh!

OP posts:
CaveMum · 26/05/2012 10:22

You really need to talk to your DP, lay down the law. If you don't nip it in the bud now it will only get worse.

You don't need to go as far as an ultimatum, but you should establish boundaries. If need be think about changing the locks so she can't let herself in when you are not there.

Think very hard about this move!

puds11 · 26/05/2012 10:24

She sounds like a nightmare. She is never going to change, and sounds as though she will be the source of endless arguments between you and your DP. Imagine what she will be like when you have kids!

Why was your DP still living there at 30? is he a man child (genuine question not trying to be rude)?

HandMadeTail · 26/05/2012 10:31

The problem is your DP. If he's not out from under her thumb yet, it won't change once she gets to like you better, or something.

I went through years of heartache, and our marriage nearly broke up before DH understood that he couldn't please us both, always, and if a decision was needed, he would have to choose me, rather than keeping his mother happy, as he had always done before.

Disloyalty is disloyalty. If this was a female friend, would you move in with him under these circumstances?

Thumbwitch · 26/05/2012 10:37

Oh, she has "heart problems", does she? I'd watch out for that. That's a very common and useful control ploy, that one - keeps the family in line so that they daren't cross her in case she has a heart attack. She's probably fit as a fiddle and strong as an ox. We had one of those women live next door to us for a couple of years - every time her will was crossed she'd start with the "oh my heart, my heart - you're trying to kill me" - she was a bitch and a half (and nothing EVER happened to her heart, possibly cos she didn't actually have one)

Seriously - is he worth it? Ask yourself this, because the last thing you want to do is stay with him if you think that you'll be able to change him bit by bit - you won't. Especially not with the "heart problems" now.

MadStaringEyes · 26/05/2012 10:42

Dp's parents were like this.

He was left our house by a relative, and his father contested the will, asking dp to back down because he'd give him the house anyway Hmm. His patents cleaned the house and bodged jobs whilst he was at work. The house is\was a doer-uper, but dp didn't ask or get given a choice.

Fil refused to transfer the bills into our name, we called and wrote in to do it, but was told that with someone with a dd in place they couldn't remove them. Eventually we just stopped giving pil the money, it took a while but they handed them over to us.

With the house, we had the doors (and locks) changed and they took a key from the side when inspecting the work Hmm. I was furious. They said they needed it to collect washing as we didn't have the pipes needed for a washing machine.

Eventually, when i came home 9 months pregnant to find them tinkering in the nursery and their neighbours dog running around, i got mad and shoved them out. On their way mil asked for dp's band stat and bills to make sure all was in order. I told her to 'Just. Get. Out. Now.' they've not been back since and i'm very pleased abiut it.

I let things lie for so long because dp felt guilty for leaving them (he'd moved out early 20's and moved back in to help care for mil when she became sick). I really w

Original poster
CharlieBitMe · 26/05/2012 10:43

Its not just heart problems, its a long list of illnesses that she brings out at every opportunity for attention. Her favourite one is her diabetes. She's had diabetes for many years yet still makes sure she "forgets" to eat her biscuits on a day out so that DP has to stop and search frantically for a shop to get her something to eat. EVERYTIME. We'll be a on a motorway on the way to wherever and I'm looking at the clock wondering how long it will be before we get the usual "ooooo son, I've forgotten my biscuits, I'm starting to feel funny, we must stop and find me something to eat!"

I think I'm going to have to talk to him. I quite enjoy living on my own so I'm certainly in no rush to move into a situation like this.

OP posts:
Rabbitee · 26/05/2012 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11 · 26/05/2012 10:45

Always carry biscuits with you Grin call her bluff!
I hate parents like this its pathetic. She is purposfully holding her son back.

MadStaringEyes · 26/05/2012 10:45

Hit post by accident Blush

I really wish i hadn't. It put a massive strain on our relationship for a long time.

Original poster
CharlieBitMe · 26/05/2012 10:47

I've taken biscuits with me in the past. She HATED it - she couldn't say she didn't like them as I made sure I took the ones she always bought Grin.

However, she then had a sudden urgency to find a toilet so DP ended up frantically searching anyway Angry

OP posts:
doormat · 26/05/2012 10:50

Grin @ thumbwith with the heart problems...op thumb is right...it is all about control...

she does sound like a nightmare and it will cause endless rows....

also can spk from experience..we live 2 streets away from mil and it is a nightmare...before we moved here we really got on as we didnt see her as often...but dh has to have tea n toast at mummys every fecking day....he does all her jobs but my house is a shithole with diy tasks half done....every row dh and i have..dh goes running to her and tells her the nitty gritty details....this has furthur compounded my relationship with her as she has caused rows between us as she knows which buttons to press with dh....i havent spoken to her for last 3 mths now as it went to far and nearly caused us to split....i cba with ppl who inferfere in other ppls relationships and dont want to know....dh is not happy about it but i dont care....i am not a fecking doormat to be walked all over...excuse the punGrin....seriously i and others have horrid experiences from mil from hell...but it is these spineless mummys boys that are sorry excuses to what we refer to as men that are the problem

confusedpixie · 26/05/2012 10:50

Run. It will only get worse! My ex was like this, thank fuck we didn't have kids and thank fuck we lived hundreds of miles from his parents (for work purposes!), the Mum would call at least once a week begging him to come home. When we left jobs and looked for the next ones she'd always contact places on his behalf and organise interviews and jobs for him and told him he didn't need me. And he expected me to be the same, I had to do everything for him as he was so used to his Mum doing everything. He wouldn't even call for a takeout Hmm

We broke up just over a year ago and he's living at home with his parents now and has no intention of leaving until he goes on his 'world trip' which will never happen...

Get away whilst you can! Or at the very least, make him prove he has a spine and move further away from his parents!

dreamingofsun · 26/05/2012 10:51

could you move in on a trial basis for 6 months and see how it goes? Keep your options open? This would give your partner a chance to prove their worth and allow him to set boundaries for his mum and change the locks etc.

if after 6 months he's still giving into her crying and nothings changed at least you know you gave it a try and can move back out and dump him?

my MIl does a lot of this stuff for her youngest. she would never attempt to do anything like it for my husband or I. she thinks she's being helpful and loving (I think)

scottishmummy · 26/05/2012 10:54

your dp,has to set them some boundaries
he's adult choosing to live with you not them
it all sounds v ott to be honest

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/05/2012 10:54

You would be a complete idiot to move in with this child and this situation with his mother.

Stay where you are now, tell him when he's ready to grow up then you'll consider it.

How on earth do you find him attractive in any way?