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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Purposely go against MIL (stubborn or not?)

167 replies

CharlieBitMe · 25/05/2012 17:39

I am due to move in with DP in 3 weeks time. His parents live in the next street and his mother has been used to be being a massive part in his life since he left home. I'm finding her so overwhelming and in my face. She says things like "when you move up here, Dr C* will be your doctor (how does she know I'll be changing doctors? I'm quite happy with mine thanks!) and Lizzy Lee will be your hairdresser (errr really??) and Joes across the street is where we get our fruit and veg and (said almost in threatening tone) have done for years , we'll pop in every saturday morning for a tea like we always have ........." and on it goes. She reminds me of a dog pissing all over her territory to remind me of who it belongs to. I don't want to change my doctor. I don't want to use Smoking, mucky lizzy as my hair dresser and I want to continue getting my fruit and veg from Asda.

It all got a much this morning when she suggested to DP that he continue to pay his "bill money" into her account so she can keep on paying his bills and she would continue to collect the £50 a month didlum money!! Its ridiculous. Its almost making me not want to move in.

DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it.

AIBU to go against all her wishes cos im a stubborn cow to let her know I'll be making my own choices and decisions?

She's already chosen next years holiday for us (as they always holiday together apparently). The woman's a bloody nightmare already.

And so not to drip feed - his father brings it upon himself to come down and wash our paintwork and paint our fence etc without asking as if it's his 'job'.

Am I being unfair? I know it's what they're used to but I can't live like this!

OP posts:
IAmBooybilee · 26/05/2012 17:20

good for you OP. now you just have to mean it! Grin

but seriously though, you can see how messed up that whole set-up is cant you? i men a grown man had 2 women fighting over washing his pants! that is not normal!

thebody · 26/05/2012 17:21

Sorry you had to break up but think you made the sensible decision.

Imagine what sort of grandmother she would have been??

Original poster
CharlieBitMe · 26/05/2012 17:25

Grandmother? Good god she once dropped into conversation that 'when' we had children, her 'turn' with said offspring would be every Saturday and if ever dp and I broke up, she'd go for custody. Fucking barmy they are, the lot of them. Dp and his father have spent the last 15 or so years buying her mountains if tacky gold jewelry which she keeps locked in a safe. They treat her like a bloody queen.

OP posts:
ISpyPlumPie · 26/05/2012 17:25

I'd be very wary. There were shades of this with PIls when DH and I first moved in together but nowhere near as bad. It's been a combination of polite-but-firm boundary setting and practicalities (they don't really live within 'popping-in' distance) that has led to an improvement over the years. We did briefly consider buying a house nearer to them recently as they live in a nicer area with better schools etc. There were other reasons we didn't go ahead, but tbh I had visions of coming home to all manner of unsolicited help ie interference and it did put me off.

Good luck OP - hope you manage to stand your ground, and that you and your DP are happy living together in peace.

ISpyPlumPie · 26/05/2012 17:28

Shit sorry - teach me to post without reading all of the thread properly. Really sorry to hear that OP. Have got a feeling you've done the right thing.

thebody · 26/05/2012 17:33

Babe have a large glass and toast to your decision.

But I bet his mother is delighted. How sad she is and what a shit parent.

TheCrackFox · 26/05/2012 17:38

I think you have done the right thing. He sounds like a child trapped in a man's body. The whole situation would have been completely unbearable.

SecretNutellaFix · 26/05/2012 17:42

I'm so sorry you have had such an upset. I hope that you can see why we have said what we did.

Have a huge glass of wine, the next onslaught may start from the mother, with insinuations about the girl who broke her PFB's heart

Longtalljosie · 26/05/2012 17:42

Grandmother? Good god she once dropped into conversation that 'when' we had children, her 'turn' with said offspring would be every Saturday and if ever dp and I broke up, she'd go for custody

Good grief. It sounds like she's purposefully seen you off. Which isn't to say I don't think you've made the right decision (I so do think you've made the right decision) but I would tell him that in your opinion that's what she's done - he won't believe you at first but perhaps eventually it will and will stop him from turning into Timothy from Sorry (you may need google for that one, am showing my age..)

Frikadellen · 26/05/2012 17:44

She does sound rather ott however you can compromise

Don't change your doctor if you don't wish to and your old one can cover you on your new addy.

Go get your hair done where you want

get fruit and veg top up from where mil suggest it (you know main in your usual shop and top up from fruit shop)

Bills said with a big smile.. Thank you but we will manage that ourselves now.

fence OMG dont tell him not to you will have to do it yourself Grin

MinnieBar · 26/05/2012 17:55

I would not and could not have sex with a male (he's not much of a man, is he?) like that.

Hopefully this will bring him to his senses and he'll tell his mum you come first. If not? you're well rid.

feuerandwasser · 26/05/2012 17:57

I think you have done the right thing...the whole situation sounds unbearable.

You have had a lucky escape....he can stay attached to mummy forever now.

dreamingofsun · 26/05/2012 18:04

the custody thing sounds very odd and way OTT. as everyone has said, sounds like you have made the right decision. she will live to regret things when she either has no grandchildren due to girls running a mile or ones she doesn't see as son is separated from the mother.

maybe he'll man up. if not then separating's for the best - you don't want a mummy's wimp.

confusedpixie · 26/05/2012 18:37

The custody thing sounds like a precursor of what was to come even if you did have kids with him. Lucky escape OP!

DizzyKipper · 26/05/2012 18:39

Definitely agree that you have made the right decision OP. Will you be leaving DP? If so one of the kindest things it seems you could do is explain exactly why you are running. And telling you she'll be going for custody before you've even have kids? Scary, very very scary.

bogeyface · 26/05/2012 18:48

The custody thing is very weird.

You have definitely dodged a bullet there OP!

dreamingofsun · 26/05/2012 18:52

just re-read your thread. are you still going out with him?

cuttingpicassostoenails · 26/05/2012 19:00

I'm sorry it's come to this Op but honestly, you have done the right thing both for you and for him. He is not ready ( and probably never will be) for an adult relationship with a woman.

Perhaps, when his mother dies , he will be able to sustain a relationship but he will be looking for another mother to replace what he has lost.

manicbmc · 26/05/2012 19:01

Huzzah! Lucky escape.

DumSpiroSpero · 26/05/2012 19:05

Run like the wind and don't look back. She sounds 100x worse than my Mil and she's tricky enough.

Seriously your man needs to step up & tell her to back off before you move anywhere.

hiviolet · 26/05/2012 19:10

Good god this woman is every MIL cliche rolled into one and then some Confused

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/05/2012 20:11

Sorry OP, but I'm sure it's for the best. Your boyfriend is still firmly bound by her apron strings, and until HE deals with this he is incapable of having a real relationship. Her comments on custody just made me shudder.

Angelico · 26/05/2012 20:50

For what it's worth OP you have done the right thing! Never doubt that! Your blood pressure would have been exercised on a daily basis.

If he's ready to grow a pair this will give him the shock he needs but do be prepared for him to run to MIL for comfort, where she will clasp him to her bosoms and say "There there my precious. Myyyyyyyyyy prec-ioussssssss!" Confused

Empusa · 26/05/2012 20:52

Grin @ Angelico

Good choice OP, there's no need to put yourself through all that

Horsemad · 26/05/2012 21:47

Congratulations OP, you have save yourself from a lot of hassle!

It's your DP causing the problem though, as he won't stand on his own two feet. I married a man like this and it has been very very difficult for us, especially as his mother lives very close indeed! Naively, I thought he would agree to move once we were married and he did not! Whilst we were dating, he worked away and so his need to spend time with his family on his return didn't actually seem THAT bad!

We had to spend the first five Christmases with the outlaws, until I finally put my foot down. He nearly had a breakdown at not being 'allowed' (as he put it) to visit his family on Christmas Day!

A counsellor friend of mine used to listen to my rants about MIL and one day turned to me and said 'misdirected anger' - she pointed out that it was my DH with whom I should be angry.

Eventually, I grew stronger, (had had a couple of children in quick succession which left me knackered and with no 'fight' in me) and I have continued to refuse to participate in things I don't want to - much to MIL's annoyance!

Pffft! Like I care!!!!

I haven't seen her for 6 months now, lol!