To Purposely go against MIL (stubborn or not?)

[CharlieBitMe]

I am due to move in with DP in 3 weeks time. His parents live in the next street and his mother has been used to be being a massive part in his life since he left home. I'm finding her so overwhelming and in my face. She says things like "when you move up here, Dr C* will be your doctor (how does she know I'll be changing doctors? I'm quite happy with mine thanks!) and Lizzy Lee will be your hairdresser (errr really??) and Joes across the street is where we get our fruit and veg and (said almost in threatening tone) have done for years , we'll pop in every saturday morning for a tea like we always have ........." and on it goes. She reminds me of a dog pissing all over her territory to remind me of who it belongs to. I don't want to change my doctor. I don't want to use Smoking, mucky lizzy as my hair dresser and I want to continue getting my fruit and veg from Asda.

It all got a much this morning when she suggested to DP that he continue to pay his "bill money" into her account so she can keep on paying his bills and she would continue to collect the £50 a month didlum money!! Its ridiculous. Its almost making me not want to move in.

DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it.

AIBU to go against all her wishes cos im a stubborn cow to let her know I'll be making my own choices and decisions?

She's already chosen next years holiday for us (as they always holiday together apparently). The woman's a bloody nightmare already.

And so not to drip feed - his father brings it upon himself to come down and wash our paintwork and paint our fence etc without asking as if it's his 'job'.

Am I being unfair? I know it's what they're used to but I can't live like this!

This needs to be nipped in the bud. Now. Unfortunately I speak from experience. I naively thought things would change when I moved in with dp now dh. But they didn't at all. Took 5 long years for dh to finally snip the cord.. We are still working through the occasional issue now. She sounds v similar to my mil right down to the 'health issues' and the standard dh cop out response to bad behaviour: 'you know what she's like'.

Ok so you want to make it work with this man. It is possible but you are going to have to be very strong.. Here's my advice fwiw:

Don't sweat the small stuff I.e hairdressers recommendations etc. Smile sweetly make the appropriate noises and promptly ignore. Do your own thing. You have more important battles to address/confront
sit down with dp I.e finances.

Take one issue at a time and resolve with dp. Once you have forced him to see sense on one topic I.e looking after your own bills, adress it with mil TOGETHER. You learned the hard way that if you leave dh to address something alone with her (laundry) then she will always win.

Always, always approach together as a team. Your dh needs to lead when you're all together e.g "as we'll soon be living together Charlie would like to contribute to bills so we'll be looking after this ourselves now. Thank you so much mum for all your help in the past though'

This is very important as it sends out the clear message to her that
you are now a couple and you make decisions together, and dh stands by you. Even if your dp is still attached to apron strings the perception that he's a united front with you is very powerful.

With other stuff such as laundry, I would rather do my dh's laundry than have mil come and do it too.hate doing laundry, but it's not really
about that is it?? It's also not about pandering after your dh, it's about not having your mil do it.

Presumably she'll have to come round and collect this dirty laundry? When she does, just smile and say "thanks for the offer but it's all done"
Get her out of the picture first, then work on mummy's boy doing his
own later on.

Good luck. I got there in the end but wish I'd been a bit stronger at
the beginning- if would have been so much easier.

Good for you OP. How long have you been together with this manchild?

I just love it when people don't bother to read the thread and just keep piling in!

CharlieBitMe - are you ready to go 'cold turkey' on the whole thing? He wont change you know :(

Oh and YANBU and if he won't man-up early on don't move in

Omg whole thread not loaded when I replied!! Which is why I missed the outcome.

Looks like you have saved yourself a whole load of inevitable hassle. All the best and what lucky escape IMO.

Run for your life, change your name and never, ever go back. Even if DP changes, MIL never will. Run. Run. RUN.

Seems like you have done yourself a massive favour - you do not want to waste anymore time with him so I hope you don't go back as you are setting yourself up for years of misery if you do. He will never have a life and her comments about having future grandkida every Saturday and suing for custody shows just how fucked up she is ask what an escape you have had.

Now go ask find a real man and breathe a sigh of relief you never had kids with him. You deserve so so much more - unfortunately he will never live a full
Life unless he reclaims his balls and standa up to his mother which he will never do

Oh my lord what a nightmare-the mil thinks she is the queen quite obviously

I definitely think you have done the right thing to call off the move-in. S/he sounds like a nightmare and will never changes. I hate it on here when I read about yet another stupid situation that would never have got onto AIBU if the OP's DH/P would just stick up for his wife and children. There is a very good reason that right at the beginning of the Bible there's a verse saying "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife...". Geddit: leave his baby self behind and commit totally to his wife. Men and women who fail to do that are right up there on the annoyance scale with people who have no idea how to say 'no'

OP, you should let your DP read this thread. Only then will he realise just how ridiculous and pathetic he is to the rest of the World.

unlikely o read,they've fell out

Well done for refusing to enter into this situation, Charlie. Not sure whether you're still together or not, but if you are, I hope you can get your DP to see why the changes have to happen - or else you'll be facing the same situation in another few months/years time. Unless you've broken up properly by then of course.

Is he worth staying with? You didn't answer, which isn't really surprising as it was one question in a sea of responses - but I'm still interested in whether you think he is worth it, and why.

Sorry your relationship is now in a mess but living with him at the moment won't work.
I think people who have never done the adolescent rebelling against their parents and living properly on their own aren't real adults. Anyone who will refuse to move away from their parents because their mum gets upset and who has their mum paying pills and constantly popping round is just an overgrown adolescent.
Why can't some mothers see that good parenting is about teaching your children to be independant and make their own way in the world? Yes support your adult kids if they need it occasionally but this sort of smothering benefits no-one.

smile and agree, then do what you like. Justify yourself clearly, calmy and ina friendly way. don't argue, be firm. trust me from experience if you don't there will either be an almighty row in 6 months / years / days when you can't hack it - or you get so down trodden your turn into a mini me.
I had a nightmare until I just realised that I was also a grown up and she had no right to boss me about. Best of British x

phew. Thank god for that! I was reading your earlier posts screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

If you hitched your wagon to this bloke, your life would be a living HELL.

His parents would NOT back off, they would continue to try to control him and, by extension, you. It would not get better.

My dad's parents felt they owned their children. They expected every decision to be run by them first, for approval. They expected to know the ins and out of the finances. They once hit the roof because my dad bought a car without getting their approval first.

They let themselves into his brother & his wife's house while they were on holiday and REPAINTED IT! because my uncle's wife refused to have the rooms the colours they had dictated they should be.

My uncle has been married twice. Both wives divorced him, citing parental interference as one of the reasons the marriage was irrecoverable!

You can't make it work when you have to deal with people like that, unless your partner is going to make the break.

And they very rarely do.

Hecate - horror that your grandparents dared to repaint their son's house - that's amazingly bad behaviour on their part!! I get cross enough when MIL puts things away in the wrong places (usually accidentally, admittedly) - I'd go ballistic if she tried anything like that! (but she wouldn't, she's not crazy)
Your uncle sounds weak though. :(

oh yes. He is. Very. Proper little mama's boy.

He used to go and visit mummy, his then wife would say DON'T eat there, dinner is nearly ready.

So what happened? Mummy was told not stopping X is cooking and would insist he ate, he would, of course, obey mummy dearest, go home and say I've eaten.

Then of course there was the dropping everything, anything, the second his services were required, regardless how it affected his wife, if he was letting her down.

Then there was the grandparents telling his daughter that her mother didn't love her.

They pulled all manner of crap like that to us too, but we cut them off in the end, over some toxic shit they pulled on me.

My dad told them "if my mum gets run over and my wife cuts her finger, I will get a plaster for my wife before calling an ambulance for my mother"

Point is - they don't change. Ever. Not going to happen. Your only hope, if you have inadvertently hooked up with the offspring of this type is that they will strap on a pair.

If they don't - you either walk away or live your life according to the gospel of PIL

The woman sounds like a nightmare .. and doing her son no favours at all.

RE horrendous MILs, I was going in for a fairly major, but not life-threatening operation. My MIL informed me that if I died under the anaesthetic, she'd be moving in with my DH to look after him and bring up the children "until he remarried". Then added "I've been telling all my friends that's what'll be happening."

That was 20 years ago and I'm still thwarting her plan :o

I did tell her that when I move in I'll be washing our clothes and she went behind my back, whinged to DP and then came back to me grinning like a chesire cat saying "He said I can still do them!" Fucking hell!!

Even this holiday she's starting laying down the law. "We go for a meal on the first, 4 and last night of the holiday, we go for a siesta at 1pm every day ..... " You do!!! I don't!!!! argh!

Just smile sweetly and say "Oh how lovely! DP and I will be able to have a shag then!"

I'm sorry to hear you had to change your plans to love with him, but, really, you had to. She sounds like a nightmare, and I am pretty easygoing, and wouldn't mind anyone doing my housework, painting etc..

Perhaps your boyfriend will re consider selling the house and moving to a "mutual" home, further away from her.

*live with him.

Whoot! You left the bastard.

Seriously, excellent decision, OP. What a nightmare she is!

Omg, you have to escape now ! Just imagine what she will be like with a wedding/grandchild.

Your man gives money to his mother so she can pay his bills? Fuck me. Seriously. People are not joking when they're saying RUN.

I think you need to find a man, not a boy and one without an overbearing mother. You will not be happy.