Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Purposely go against MIL (stubborn or not?)

167 replies

CharlieBitMe · 25/05/2012 17:39

I am due to move in with DP in 3 weeks time. His parents live in the next street and his mother has been used to be being a massive part in his life since he left home. I'm finding her so overwhelming and in my face. She says things like "when you move up here, Dr C* will be your doctor (how does she know I'll be changing doctors? I'm quite happy with mine thanks!) and Lizzy Lee will be your hairdresser (errr really??) and Joes across the street is where we get our fruit and veg and (said almost in threatening tone) have done for years , we'll pop in every saturday morning for a tea like we always have ........." and on it goes. She reminds me of a dog pissing all over her territory to remind me of who it belongs to. I don't want to change my doctor. I don't want to use Smoking, mucky lizzy as my hair dresser and I want to continue getting my fruit and veg from Asda.

It all got a much this morning when she suggested to DP that he continue to pay his "bill money" into her account so she can keep on paying his bills and she would continue to collect the £50 a month didlum money!! Its ridiculous. Its almost making me not want to move in.

DP just agrees with me and then says "but you know what she's like" as if I have to just put up with it.

AIBU to go against all her wishes cos im a stubborn cow to let her know I'll be making my own choices and decisions?

She's already chosen next years holiday for us (as they always holiday together apparently). The woman's a bloody nightmare already.

And so not to drip feed - his father brings it upon himself to come down and wash our paintwork and paint our fence etc without asking as if it's his 'job'.

Am I being unfair? I know it's what they're used to but I can't live like this!

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 26/05/2012 10:55

Oooh my FIL used to do that "Univited maintenance work" when I lived near him! I would be siting in the kitchen with my old nightie on and then I'd see FIL wandering through the bback garden with a ladder! EVERY day!

I had a word and he stopped!

Xales · 26/05/2012 10:58

He is not going to change. You know that. He has already proved that by giving into her and her manipulations against your wishes on all of these things already. Eventually she will be asking to see details of your finances and he will hand them over or tell her whether you want to or not.

I did tell her that when I move in I'll be washing our clothes and she went behind my back, whinged to DP and then came back to me grinning like a chesire cat saying "He said I can still do them!" I'm sorry? You will be doing the washing? He says she can still do the washing? You are moving in with a grown I assume fully functioning adult male and you are arguing over which of you get the pleasure of washing his skiddy pants? WTAF what is wrong with him washing his own clothes? Or doing his own cleaning etc? You are competing to be his skivvy!!!! Oh and you will never be as good a skivvy as his mother.

If you move in you are accepting this will happen. You are accepting the role of his mother coming first every time in your relationship/living space/rest space.

What happens if you bring children into the equation?

I think you would be mad to move in. Your choice though.

Dprince · 26/05/2012 11:03

If he is so involved with his parents how did you not expect this. Yanbu about being concerned. Yabu for only tackling this now and planning on moving in with him when you have such an issue with his parents and how is runs his life. I mean why the hell is a man of 30 plus having his mum organising his bills. Also the dad coming round and doing the garden wouldn't bother me. I hate gardening. I imagine that while your dp doesn't ask each time. He and his parents have always operated this way so don't feel the need to ask. Yabu to assume he is going to change when shows no inclination to.

eurochick · 26/05/2012 11:05

Run away from this manchild now.

doormat · 26/05/2012 11:07

sorry op and others but i find this thread is hilarious and i can just imagine and visually see all the scenarios you descibeGrin and putting them in my situation ...or is it just me

LemonTurd · 26/05/2012 11:16

Can I repeat what a PP asked how are you sexually attracted to this man? Hmm

anastaisia · 26/05/2012 11:18

I did tell her that when I move in I'll be washing our clothes and she went behind my back, whinged to DP and then came back to me grinning like a chesire cat saying "He said I can still do them!" I'm sorry? You will be doing the washing? He says she can still do the washing? You are moving in with a grown I assume fully functioning adult male and you are arguing over which of you get the pleasure of washing his skiddy pants? WTAF what is wrong with him washing his own clothes? Or doing his own cleaning etc? You are competing to be his skivvy!!!! Oh and you will never be as good a skivvy as his mother.

This. Why on earth would you want to fight over who does his housework for him. That's not a partnership, he doesn't even sound like an adult.

How can you respect and want to have sex live with such a man-child? Confused

cuttingpicassostoenails · 26/05/2012 11:20

If he does eventually manage to detach from his mother he will be looking for a replacement and you will be top of the list of candidates.

MadStaringEyes · 26/05/2012 11:20

Doormat, it does sound like a really bad sitcom and it was really bizare.

Dpil still rely on dp quite a lot and i'm fine with that, now that they give us our space.

They phoned dp a few weeks ago to ask if fil was having a heart attack. Oh yes, because dp who works ib fucking printing would be the perfect person to ask.

Then Mil called our house to ask if i knew where dp had parked when he nipped her to the shops to pick fil sone drugs up. Like i'd know from our house Confused

midori1999 · 26/05/2012 11:20

The problem is not your MIL, but your DP, who clearly refuses to stand up to her/is a Mummy's boy. You only have to read some of the MIL threads on here to know where you'll be in a few years if you don't sort this out now.

You need to tell him that you're not happy about MIL doing all these things and that he needs to tell her that it stops now you are moving in together. If he won't, don't move in.

anastaisia · 26/05/2012 11:26

Even then - I'd definitely postpone moving in until he's shown he can live independently for a significant period of time (that is, without his mum doing basic household tasks like financial management and washing for him). I wouldn't put myself in the position of living with someone who isn't used to paying attention to those basic things because I'd nearly 100% certain it would cause problems in the division of household labour and that's hard enough to get right even when you don't have an over grown child for a partner!

bogeyface · 26/05/2012 11:27

She doesnt want you to move to a new house because she knows that it would be yours and his, not hers and his as his house is at the moment. She couldnt be queen bee in your home but she can lord it over you in his home.

I would insist on the moving house thing and see what happens. Make it clear that you moving into his current house is not going to happen and that you must find a new place together. Give him three months (in your head, dont tell him) to discuss it and then wherever you are in three months is where you will be forever.

If he is still refusing to move then he will never move and you will be living in a menage a trois with his mother forever, with you at the bottom of the pecking order. Apart from anything else, if you live in a house you and he choose together then you can instigate your housework rota where he does his own washing and his parents DO NOT have a key!

anastaisia · 26/05/2012 11:31

but that will leave all the instigating of the household rota up to the OP who will then probably be 'in charge' of the housework and household management forever in the eyes of her DP who has never taken responsibility for it himself. He'll be 'doing the washing for her' and rubbish like that. She shouldn't have to teach him to be a grown up.

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2012 11:38

You can't possibly move from the independence of your own home to living with this man-child. His mother sounds impossible and you must know he'd side with her and not you. He sounds pathetic - wouldn't you rather live with an adult?

bogeyface · 26/05/2012 11:38

I agree Anastaisia , which is why I have never lived with a man who didnt live on his own first (apart from one notable exception which is when I learnt my lesson!)

I am just thinking that if the OP wants to keep the relationship, as it seems she does, then she needs to out manouvre the MIL. As long as she is clear that WE are doing OUR housework and that there is to be no outside help, then she wont be signing up for skivvydom.

Personally I cant see anything less attractive than a man with an Oedipus complex fuelling his mothers narcissism, but I am picky like that! :o

dreamingofsun · 26/05/2012 12:21

whilst i agree with everything thats said on here, to add another dimension to the discussion............. men have a tendancy to take the easy options in my experience. And if someone comes along and says i will do all those nasty jobs you hate and don't know how to do they tend to accept this. he might just need a bit of training.

as people say, you need to stipulate what you aren't accepting and then give him a deadline to resolve things by. 3-6 months would seem sensible.

Schnarkle · 26/05/2012 13:39

It will get worse once you move in as you won't be able to escape it, 24hours a day Motherly interference. (unless you move back out that is)

If your DP isn't putting in boundries now he sure as hell isn't going to do it when you move in.

nothingsoextraordinary · 26/05/2012 14:08

I wouldn't move in until there's at least an acknowledgement from DP that he's going to need to take a stand.

And you have to be sure he actually wants to grow up. If he's this rubbish at taking responsility, why are you going on with it? Unless his mum has brain washed him into allowing her to pay his bills, he sounds completely unfit to take on the challenges of a grown up life, and that includes relationships and children. I don't see the attraction.

If you just walk into this, you'll have nothing but aggro. It sounds like mil will always be a thorn in your side, and that's ok, but your DP's attitude to her means that it's shaping up to be an absolute disaster.

I wouldn't care about the doctors/hairdressers thing. I had that with my in-laws and yes, it was an indication of their overall controlling possessiveness and they didn't mean any harm by it. Similarly, I wouldn't think your DP's dad dealing with the fence is a sign of anything sinister in him - although I cannot think why you want to be with a man who can stand by while his ageing parent works. (Another thing he would have to change in order to be a good parent himself). Going on from this, I can imagine your MIlL's comment about calling in for Saturday morning tea being made out of a combination of fear and preemptive indignation. Not necessarily a sign of war but if you regard it as a call to arms, war would be the logical next step. The bit that would worry me most is the bill paying arrangement, because it's unusually dependent. If that's the way your DP and MIL want it, you can't change it unless your DP changes. So you'd have to decide to lump it or leave it.

The only way this could come right, in my opinion, is if your DP dug deep and explained that things were going to have to change, but lovingly gave new treats for his mum to look forward to that (mainly) were on your terms. I think there would be a lot of kicking and screaming as she tried to claw the old life back, but provided you didn't stoop to her level and both stayed united and loving but immovable, she'd accept it in the end.

Having said that, my DP just couldn't dig deep enough. In the end we both realised it was his relationship with his parents, or his marriage. He chose his marriage but it was a tough choice, I think.

Dprince · 26/05/2012 15:17

Tbh are you sure she doesn't bother just because you are similar? I notice you refer to 'our paint work' and 'our fence'. But its not 'ours' yet. Its his as you don't live there. Is there a chance you are controlling but not sure you can remove the control from your mil?

PotteringAlong · 26/05/2012 15:54

Could he move into your house?

helenthemadex · 26/05/2012 16:33

he needs to cut the cord!

thebody · 26/05/2012 16:47

If you move on with this bloke I think you may be posting lots more problems in the future.

Mil probably warms his little bed, bitti bitti!!

helenthemadex · 26/05/2012 16:53

Mil probably warms his little bed, bitti bitti!! Grin

seriously run as fast and far as you can, does he call her mummy?

thebody · 26/05/2012 16:56

Op am sorry but just read your post to my 2 lads, 22, and 21 and their advice is defiantly don't move in as she sounds even more controlling and nosy than me!!! And that's a fucking feat I tell you.

Original poster
CharlieBitMe · 26/05/2012 17:14

Well, just had a major row in which I've cancelled my part in the holiday and told him I'm no longer moving in. I feel relieved to be honest. Bitty indeed.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread