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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really pissed off by my friend's comment to my son?

193 replies

Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 17:03

I have looked after my friend's two kids for the last academic year until just this week in the mornings and taken them to school with me so that she can get to work. This is unpaid, I don't know if that's relevant. The kids are in year 4 and year 6 and are both nice enough children; my son is in year seven.

The little girl is quite immature for her age , and will cry/ whine at fairly minor provocation, such as taking her glove off her on one occasion I can remember for example. My son and her brother are both guilty of this kind of thing,occasionally, it's not often just winding her up sometimes, and also of saying things like "don't be such a baby"when she reacts. I have always told the boys off, or whichever boy if it was just one of them, but she tells her mum that my son and just my son is constantly bullying her, constantly being nasty to her and on one occasion that he pushed her over six times (this was untrue, I was in the room at the time, he pushed past her on the way out and I told him off for being rude).

Anyway.....my friend has just popped round and said to my son, "you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking". This is after my son said her daughter was acting like a baby on Monday, for which I told him off, also her brother said the same, but she has told her mum that just my son was saying cruel things to her all morning, and
He is a nasty bully.

I appreciate that there have been times when unkind things have been said, but Aibu to be seriously pissed off that she has basically threatened my eleven year old?

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 13:45

Agree with Morloth.

Amberleaf- the OP remembers it verbatim and it was said in front of her to her son and also repeated to her. She's pretty clear, it doesn't sound like hearsay to me, She heard it first hand, she was there.

OP- if I were you I'd just shed these people from your life.

PleaseTakeOffYourJimmyChoos · 25/05/2012 14:09

OP first of PLEASE get a book on 'how to be assertive'.You sound far too nice.

When I was around 6 years old I chose not to be friends with a very,nasty spoilt class mate.Her mother and father wrapped her up in cotton wool and said 'friend' must have told her parents about me(they werent nice).
'Freinds' mother waited for me outside school gates and shouted at me and scratched all down my bare arm.I had very bad excema at the time and my arm bledSad
I walked home with much older school children(who witnessed this happening to me)and they told my mother what had happened(I was too sad and shocked to speak).
My mother knew this woman and had her phone number.She did NOTHING she didn't call her and when she saw her she smiled and was kind to the horrible cow.
My mother even went on to have this woman childminding my little brother.
There are so many other times my mother didn't stick up for me or look out for me in different ways and why?All because
-she didn't like 'confrontation
-shes shy
-doesn't want to fall out with people(doesn't mind falling out with me though!)

Please call her OP.Please.
Tell her under that you think she's a bully and if she ever speaks to your son again you will go to the police.

Do it for your lovely son.

Being TOO nice in life gets you nowhere.Trust me I've tried it.

Mayisout · 25/05/2012 14:21

Sounds to me that little girl doesn't like arrangement where you take her to school and is manipulating things to get her own way, at the expense of your son. Just say that you aren't taking her to school now but will continue with her son.
End of.
I would think the other mother will change this arrangement (where you walk her DCs to school) as soon as she can - but not an easy thing to arrange, and certainly not for free.

Mayisout · 25/05/2012 14:35

Also would tell son the same, that the girl was lying to her mother hence the pretend threat about her husband coming after him. and that he should ignore it. They were just being nasty.

AmberLeaf · 25/05/2012 16:27

Amberleaf- the OP remembers it verbatim and it was said in front of her to her son and also repeated to her. She's pretty clear, it doesn't sound like hearsay to me, She heard it first hand, she was there

My point was just because the woman said it doesnt mean her husband actually said the threat!

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 25/05/2012 20:06

Only just had a chance to look at this again, sorry I didn't reply earlier.

I think 5foot5 answered the points the house raised. I certainly didn't try to mislead anyone about the ages of the children - I thought I made it quite clear who was what age. Actually, I didn't say the little girl was whiny, I said that she can cry or whine at fairly minor provocation, and I did also say that both she and her brother were nice kids.

I think inertia's email is a really good idea, so thank you, I'll try and compose something along those lines.

I feel I did address the incidents that occurred with both boys, and the way my friend has portrayed things is totally inaccurate, I Do know what has been going on whilst the kids were in my care, and I've at no point tried to absolve my son from blame for what he has actually done.

Anyway, my original question was Aibu to be pissed off with what my friend said to my son, and haing read all the thread, I don't think I am now.

Thanks for all replies, and sorry again for typos, I am trying to get the hang of this newfangled technology Grin

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 25/05/2012 20:19

I'd go round.

I don't relish confrontation myself but in this instance i would tell her you are upset face to face, and that they argue amongst themselves, her brother winds her up too, and she overeacts. That you have been doing this as a favour to her and that you now feel very hurt at her singling your son out and threatening you all. That you recognise no child is an angel and there have been many incidents over time involving her kids that you didn't bring to her attention as you saw them as trivial.

She's handled all this very badly. I wouldn't want to hang round her atm .

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 25/05/2012 20:24

That is a very good point about there having been many incidents over time involving just her kids after my son had left that I didn't bring to her attention as regarded them as both too trivial and sorted out, actually!

OP posts:
Morloth · 26/05/2012 00:27

You are quite right Amberleaf who knows what the DH did/didnt say, it doesn't actually matter, because the friend has threatened the DS.

YouOldSlag · 27/05/2012 18:40

Agree Amberleaf. Whilst it's crystal clear the OP's son was threatened, it's not set in stone whether the husband had made the threat or the wife was saying he had. Still a threat, and in this case, I would pursue the mother.

I would also take issue with the fact that even though the OP was there, the mother bypassed her and spoke like this directly to her son. The nerve!

Whatmeworry · 27/05/2012 21:14

I would also take issue with the fact that even though the OP was there, the mother bypassed her and spoke like this directly to her son. The nerve!

That's the point at which a short, sharp rejoinder is required.

YouOldSlag · 27/05/2012 22:03

Agree Whatme. She would have been finishing that sentence on the street to my slammed front door not in my kitchen!

allthingspossible · 27/05/2012 23:15

cathycomehome - I have a girl and boy of the ages you describe ( Year 3 and Year 7) and the bickering can be relentless at times. having just them before school on their own (albeit 15 mins) speak volumes to me too, as it determines their own relationship minus your son.

You can bet that it just a snapshot of what really goes on between them at home in their own environment and with parents to play off each other too. The mother's comments regards her husband/partners "protective" nature towards his daughter and her making the threat on his behalf (knowingly or not) speaks volumes about some disfunctional dynamics within their own house.
I am sure that you know your son is not perfect and I am sure at times he has said/done things etc, but you have addressed this at the time and it has all been dealt with as it should. All good. My concern is that their disfunctional dynamics are having repercussions on you and your family. You hopefully will never put yourself in the position again to be up against this scenario. You are too nice, which I am too in real life, hence wanted to respond.

Other adults (not all , just speaking generally from experience) that behave badly do not re-think their actions on the whole- they look for blame and try to assuage their own guilt and try to make themselves feel better about a situation by laying the blame on someone elses door rather than look to themselves.
The whole village scenario set-up/not offending anyone etc is a difficult one for you to balance and still live happily in your village. Do not allow yourself to be bullied though. Set the stamp of how you will/will not be treated (family members too) on this now. Never mind that she may be gossiping to all and sundry, say what you want and say to her before it starts to stew and is too late to say anything. If nothing else, you will feel better for that.
You sound like a polite and emotionally intelligent woman, so you will handle it well. Any repercussions after you can deal with in an equal way to this first step. Keep your self-respect and actually others will "know" that you have handled yourself well, so don't worry.
Best wishes, take that first step ...

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 27/05/2012 23:43

Thanks for replies again! I rang up in the end to explain how i felt and it all got resolved fairly amicably I think, unless I am being hopelessly naive

No longer having the kids, which is a relief, and hopefully we can all move on.

Thanks for all advice.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 28/05/2012 09:11

Nice one Cathy. Glad you picked up the phone and glad you're not having the kids anymore. Don't have them again!

bigjoeent · 28/05/2012 20:53

Cathy, well done, glad that you've sorted it out.

FashionEaster · 28/05/2012 21:35

Thanks for the update - did you confront the threats to dc?

FashionEaster · 28/05/2012 21:36

Sorry, that was a bit blunt! Hve been thinking about your ds and hoping all was resolved, especially re threats to your ds.

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