Aibu to be really pissed off by my friend's comment to my son?

[Cathycomehome]

I have looked after my friend's two kids for the last academic year until just this week in the mornings and taken them to school with me so that she can get to work. This is unpaid, I don't know if that's relevant. The kids are in year 4 and year 6 and are both nice enough children; my son is in year seven.

The little girl is quite immature for her age , and will cry/ whine at fairly minor provocation, such as taking her glove off her on one occasion I can remember for example. My son and her brother are both guilty of this kind of thing,occasionally, it's not often just winding her up sometimes, and also of saying things like "don't be such a baby"when she reacts. I have always told the boys off, or whichever boy if it was just one of them, but she tells her mum that my son and just my son is constantly bullying her, constantly being nasty to her and on one occasion that he pushed her over six times (this was untrue, I was in the room at the time, he pushed past her on the way out and I told him off for being rude).

Anyway.....my friend has just popped round and said to my son, "you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking". This is after my son said her daughter was acting like a baby on Monday, for which I told him off, also her brother said the same, but she has told her mum that just my son was saying cruel things to her all morning, and
He is a nasty bully.

I appreciate that there have been times when unkind things have been said, but Aibu to be seriously pissed off that she has basically threatened my eleven year old?

YANBU, CathyCH. Make sure you look after yourself x

Your friend is a nutter. You are ace.
Maybe see what MrCathy says after he has got around to having a drink with MrNutter.
As for baby shower - awkward. I personally wouldn't want it and would feign illness (as am a coward). But 'tis your decision

Helenthemadex's approach if you are feeling brave and Zookeeper's if not?

I think zoo keepers... But I think I really need to say something as obviously both of us are feeling pissed off and it feels a bit hypocritical to carry on as normal when ( I anyway) have not said that I am really cross with her. Air needs clearing I guess.

HouseontheCorner - OP has indicated that the year 4 dd can be a bit of a whiney child and that the issues have come more from her own brother than OP's own son. Would suggest too that if she's been looking after them for a year or more then a more sibling relationship, including the spats, has evolved and OP's ds has been treating the year 4 dd like her own brother does and following by example. I think your point would carry more weight if the OP was a professional childminder, as then a deliberate environment is fostered ...instead of what this is which is a very entitled 'friend' and an OP helping out.

yes good idea Cathy; clear the air and move on. All this email/police advice is all too dramatic and will just make matters worse imo.

It might have to be email as I am ae coward unless I can think of a way to talk to her without it getting emotional.

..and then she'll reply and on it will go....I wouldn't

Houseonthecorner-are you the twatty threatening 'friend' ?

yes email is better Cathy as you seem like a softie and they can smell weakness.
I mean that nicely! Some people pick on soft, kind people and boss them around.

A firm email might be easier.

All the best to you Cathy, you seem nice.

thanks youoldslag, but I guess it wouldn't be very nice to carry on as if nothing had happened and without being honest; it would feel like I had bitched about her and said nothing to her face. Now I am fairly sure I Anbu, or over reacting, except if I listen to Houseonthe corner, I will have to think of a way of bringing it up without causing a row, which I would hate.

Agreed YouOldSlag!

I'm not sure why you continually refer to this woman as your friend. She isn't your friend at all - she threatened your ds! Aside from the fact that she's been abusing you re childcare. I'm surprised she hasn't asked you to pay her mortgage as well. I'm speaking as someone who also was willing to help "friends" but had advantage taken.

This woman is rude to you and takes massive free favours from you. IMO your only option is to politely and carefully distance yourself from her.

She sounds strange to say the least.
Definately call her on this.
I would not look after someone's child after this.
I would tell them to find alternative arrangements, let her dh do it if he is so concerned.
As for the baby shower, in your home, without prior consent!!!!! Words fail me.
I would email back to the others whom she has asked stating that actually she can shove her party up her backside.
I am angry on your behalf.
If you can't do it then tell her that the date she has arranged is not convenient then leave it at that.

Yeah, I don't think I would be continuing a friendship with people who thought it was OK to threaten my kid under any circumstances.

They would no longer be welcome in my home. Done.

You are going to have to tell her though and that is going to suck.

If you don't feel like you can, then you will just have to be polite but not actually instigate any interaction with her and decline any and all invites. This is a sucky way to do it though as it can be misread, better to just tell her you find her and her husband's behaviour unacceptable and you don't want to know them anymore and be done with it.

It would be a real betrayal of your DS if you just passively continued on with them after they have threatened him, he will get the message that other people's feelings are more important to you then he is.

You absolutely need to say something to her - if you simply withdraw she will simply believe that she is right and that you are doing it because your son was bullying her DD.

Her comment was way out of line.

But-were you with them every minute, kids canbe sneaky behind their parents backs.

kids canbe sneaky behind their parents backs.

As proved by the "friend's" DS.

Whether the OP was with them all the time or not, she was there enough to know it wasn't just her DS as the other two children are claiming.

That is true. But her DS could hav done more than she witnessed too.

YANBU I would call the Police and report it, she's a vicious nasty bully.

And she can take her own kids to school from now on.

do we know the woman's dh actually threatened your son or is it possible it's her way of telling you she's annoyed with your ds's behaviour (not that he's done anything wrong beyond normal child behaviour).

Is it possible her dh has no clue what she's saying about him, or that if he said something, she's exaggerating?

Just wondering

Thats what im thinking zookeeper.

I think it sounds like the friend thinks OPs son is a nasty big bully who has scared her DD and in saying what she said she is attempting to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Do not waste police time with this seriously.

I'd respond to her email along the lines of:

Hi CheekyMareFriend,

Plans for the baby shower sound lovely- please let me know what to contribute in terms of costs/food etc.

Glad to hear you have finalised your new child care arrangements- all this hot weather doesn't help with the imminent-baby tiredness!

Just to keep you updated- though CathysDS was obviously quite distressed by your comments about your DH being 'out to get him', he calmed down once we reassured him that your DH was just joking, as no rational grown man in his position would risk being reported to the police for making threats to an 11 year old child.

I've spoken to him again about how to act kindly towards other children, just as I did on the 3 occasions when he and your son were teasing or rude to DD. Hopefully they can all remain friends.

All the best, Cathy.

"I am not very good at anything that could be confrontational and wouldn't like to say the wrong thing when feeling emotionl, also, we have been good friends until now"

In that case don't worry about the threat to your son, in fact, drive him over to the friend's house and let her oh give him a good kicking and then you can carry on like the great friends you clearly are.

As for the her inviting herself and others to your house for a babyshower after behaving that way, you can't avoid it being awkward, it IS awkward, you have to grow a pair and tell her she behaved totally unacceptably and is not welcome in your house, at the very least until she apologises to your ds and explains how silly, untrue and nasty it was of her to say those things to him.

You can be a wet blanket and let someone take the piss out of you for childcare for however long you want, but surely when it extends to threatening your son to his face and yours, it's time to grow a pair and stop that shit straight away, 'awkward' or not?!

YANBU .

I wouldnt bother with some big confrontation now though as you wont be looking after the DC and with a baby due you have other things to think about.

Personally I would be looking to phase out the friendship asap and make polite excuses to blow out the baby shower. Actually for me its not so much about the threat of sending her DH round as I think thats absurd but more abusing your good nature with the childcare all this time unless there is a quid pro quo ?

good email intertia

I might ask you for advice next time I get in a pickle

nice, non confrontational but gets the point across

WELL DONE !