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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really pissed off by my friend's comment to my son?

193 replies

Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 17:03

I have looked after my friend's two kids for the last academic year until just this week in the mornings and taken them to school with me so that she can get to work. This is unpaid, I don't know if that's relevant. The kids are in year 4 and year 6 and are both nice enough children; my son is in year seven.

The little girl is quite immature for her age , and will cry/ whine at fairly minor provocation, such as taking her glove off her on one occasion I can remember for example. My son and her brother are both guilty of this kind of thing,occasionally, it's not often just winding her up sometimes, and also of saying things like "don't be such a baby"when she reacts. I have always told the boys off, or whichever boy if it was just one of them, but she tells her mum that my son and just my son is constantly bullying her, constantly being nasty to her and on one occasion that he pushed her over six times (this was untrue, I was in the room at the time, he pushed past her on the way out and I told him off for being rude).

Anyway.....my friend has just popped round and said to my son, "you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking". This is after my son said her daughter was acting like a baby on Monday, for which I told him off, also her brother said the same, but she has told her mum that just my son was saying cruel things to her all morning, and
He is a nasty bully.

I appreciate that there have been times when unkind things have been said, but Aibu to be seriously pissed off that she has basically threatened my eleven year old?

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 08:17

I think the fact she arranged the babyshower and emailed the guests and "booked" your house without telling you is just another way of pushing you around, along with a last gasp attempt to keep the free child care going.

You need to write to everyone on the list and say something like you are too pregnant/tired/unavailable/ go to bed at 6pm but thank you for thinking of me.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 25/05/2012 08:21

Fashion of COURSE the OP will call the year 4 girl "whiny"....she's not going to say "she's a well balanced child who got bullied by my much older son" is she??

As for the police...the parents will retalliate and the police will be very annoyed...it's hearsay...she said, I said....the OPs son is much older...he took her things, he called her names and that's not on.

Is it possible your son feel guilty about pcking on her and that is why he's panicking....? If he were innocent of wrong, he woudn't be worried surely? More outraged.

YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 08:27

As for the police...the parents will retalliate and the police will be very annoyed...it's hearsay...she said, I said....the OPs son is much older...he took her things, he called her names and that's not on.

I disagree. The OP clearly heard the mother state this, and can recall it verbatim. That's usually good enough for a police statement.

The parents can hardly retaliate as the DS is ELEVEN.

We are also only talking about three incidents in an academic year (usually Sept to July), all of which the OP reprimanded him for.

FanjoForTheMammasaurus · 25/05/2012 08:28

three incidents she SAW

FanjoForTheMammasaurus · 25/05/2012 08:28

obviously i don't know her DS and he may well be lovely, but it might not be as clearcut as the little girl just lying IMO

YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 08:31

Is it possible your son feel guilty about pcking on her and that is why he's panicking....? If he were innocent of wrong, he woudn't be worried surely? More outraged.

I disagree. even if he was innocent, a grown man has threatened his safety. that's why he's panicking, into because of a guilty conscience, but because an adult has threatened to hurt him :""you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking"

If anyone said that to me, I would feel terrified whether innocent or guilty!

YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 08:32

*not because of a guilty conscience. D'oh!

SamuelWestsMistress · 25/05/2012 10:37

There's nothing worse than whiny, over sensitive little girls they really can cause no end of problems because immediately people side with whatever they say as they become the victim.

If I were you I'd swiftly end this arrangement because your son doesn't need this kind of thing.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 25/05/2012 10:39

Samuel and there's nothing worse than labelling little girls who have the temerity to complain when an older boy picks on them as WHINY!

Girls have been encouraged to put up with crap for many years...its not on caling them whiny because they try to send out the message that they're not happy being picked on.

YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 10:42

Girls have been encouraged to put up with crap for many years- huh?

This isn't about gender generalisations, this is about a grown man threatening an eleven year old.

Let's not get into assumptions and generalisations.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 25/05/2012 10:45

I am not picking on the OP or her son BUT her original OP was careful not to mention the ages of the child getting picked on (because then people would think hang on! he DD i very young) and she also intmated that there were more incidents that she couldn't remember...of course the Dad was wrong if he said that...but I dont like the way nobody adressed the behaviur of the lad.

The DD MAY whine and complain because she was unhappy....and felt bullied...it's not on of course to threaten an 11 year old boy but if he was picking on the girl then it is hard...as a parent I sometimes get over protective...I just hve more self control than this Mother had....

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 25/05/2012 10:47

slag it is about gender when people start saying "There's nothing worse than whiny oversensitive little girls, they cause no end of problems"

Thank you very much. OF COURSE it is....that kind of attitude is as bad as "Boys will be boys".

bigjoeent · 25/05/2012 10:59

Thehouse has made a number of valid comments, there are always two sides to a story (I'm not condoning what the mother did on this occassion, it was completely wrong). Only the OP will know what has really happened and can act accordingly. Although I do find it interesting that the mother has only just found it a problem now that the free childcare is coming to an end. If it had bothered her before, she should have dealt with it in an adult way.

I completely agree with thehouse on not involving the police, there will be opposing verbal evidence (the mother will just say she was joking and based on her later behaviour she clearly has no idea of the impact of what she has said), escalates the situation and as you live in a small village will make life very awkward. I think it would blow the situation out of proportion.

YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 11:01

I would say as a rule, that little girls engender more protective feelings in their fathers than a boy, though I am generalising myself now!

Girls can be toyboys, boys can be whiners, and all the children involved might have been angels or devils, but a grown man threatening the safety of an 11 yo is wrong on any level.

5Foot5 · 25/05/2012 11:01

TheHouse etc "I am not picking on the OP or her son BUT her original OP was careful not to mention the ages of the child getting picked on "

Look again at the OP. It says:

"The kids are in year 4 and year 6 and are both nice enough children; my son is in year seven."

I think that was enough to give most people an accurate picture of the ages involved.

"but I dont like the way nobody adressed the behaviur of the lad."
But the OP has said repeatedly that she did address her son's behaviour - and the brother when he was at fault.

"The DD MAY whine and complain because she was unhappy....and felt bullied..." That is very true. Equally it could be the case that she did it because she is a whiny and complainy type of little girl. They do exist! I am sure we have all known some as a child or an adult. I can think of one little girl I was at school with who was constantly complaining about being picked on and trying to get other children in to trouble. The truth was that she was the actual instigator of most of the incidents. Her complaints didm't wash at school because the teacher was wise enough to know what was going on and take very little notice. However, the Mum believed every word and often told other children off for upsetting her little darling - usually while said little darling was smirking at the other child from behind Mummy's back!

YouOldSlag · 25/05/2012 11:02

Oh God TOMboys not toyboys!

What's wrong with me? sheesh.

SoupDragon · 25/05/2012 11:05

TheHouseonthcorner, I rather think the point of the thread is that the "friend" refuses to accept that her DS has also been involved and has put all the blame on the OPs son.

The OP has told both boys off for the teasing, she has not been ignoring it.

The only people at fault here are the "friend" and her DH who a) refuse to address the behaviour of their little darlings and b) have threatened an 11 year old boy.

Morloth · 25/05/2012 11:06

What actually happened with the kids is irrelevant at this point.

An adult has threatened a child in his own home. Even if the DH didn't say anything this woman has made the OP's DS feel threatened.

Not a fucking chance I would be continuing a relationship with someone after that, no way no how.

If an adult came to my house and threatened my DS they wouldn't be allowed a chance to do it again.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 25/05/2012 11:06

No 5foot5 the way that is worded intimates the little girl could be in year 6....she never said which child was which age.

SoupDragon · 25/05/2012 11:17

I thought it was quite clear that the girl was the youngest. Especially as 10 minutes later the OP refers to her as the "little girl"

tomverlaine · 25/05/2012 11:48

I think your friend is totally out of order to threaten your DS- I suspect that she may feel that she is showing him what it is like to feel bullied by someone older etc- but totally inappropriate.
one thing that wasn't clear to me was whether you had spoken to her about what was going on before-eg told her that the two boys pick on the little girl? or is her only source of information from her children

lostInMyHouse · 25/05/2012 12:16

If you haven't already I'd send Inertia e-mail and considered 'accidentally' copying it to everyone else on the list just so your version get round.

I'd also have your Dp have a word with little girls father just to make sure if never goes further and it that not clear think about schools and possibly police then quietly distance yourself by being busy - not hard with a new baby.

Then possibly in the future look at self assertiveness classes. It is possible to find ways to be polite, friendly but firm with people.

ljgibbs · 25/05/2012 12:39

I'd send Inertia e-mail but I wouldn't offer any contribution to the baby shower, after all your friend has decided to throw the shower at your house, (did she ask you first if that was ok?) You no doubt will get left with all the tidying and sorting out after the party. In fact I'd decline having the party at yours and ask if it could be at hers.

AmberLeaf · 25/05/2012 13:01

If this woman had seriously meant her 'threats' would she be acting normal and throwing the OP a babyshower?

Really?

I think this is a classic case of 'onesideofthestoryitis' too.

I think OP has taken it more seriously than it was intended.

Morloth · 25/05/2012 13:13

Yeah Amberleaf but she said them to the kid who clearly is worried enough that he is wanting to change his everyday behaviour.

Sod that, this is MY house and nobody is going to threaten MY children in it.

Anyone saying: "you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking". To either of my children had better be prepared for a whole pile of confrontation. That is a shit and stupid thing to say to a kid.

From what the OP has posted the friend here has the OP down as a doormat where she can do and say whatever she likes and the OP will just continue on as if nothing had happened.

Something did happen.