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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really pissed off by my friend's comment to my son?

193 replies

Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 17:03

I have looked after my friend's two kids for the last academic year until just this week in the mornings and taken them to school with me so that she can get to work. This is unpaid, I don't know if that's relevant. The kids are in year 4 and year 6 and are both nice enough children; my son is in year seven.

The little girl is quite immature for her age , and will cry/ whine at fairly minor provocation, such as taking her glove off her on one occasion I can remember for example. My son and her brother are both guilty of this kind of thing,occasionally, it's not often just winding her up sometimes, and also of saying things like "don't be such a baby"when she reacts. I have always told the boys off, or whichever boy if it was just one of them, but she tells her mum that my son and just my son is constantly bullying her, constantly being nasty to her and on one occasion that he pushed her over six times (this was untrue, I was in the room at the time, he pushed past her on the way out and I told him off for being rude).

Anyway.....my friend has just popped round and said to my son, "you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking". This is after my son said her daughter was acting like a baby on Monday, for which I told him off, also her brother said the same, but she has told her mum that just my son was saying cruel things to her all morning, and
He is a nasty bully.

I appreciate that there have been times when unkind things have been said, but Aibu to be seriously pissed off that she has basically threatened my eleven year old?

OP posts:
lostInMyHouse · 24/05/2012 17:56

I think you'd be letting down your son if you don't do something to make him feel safe.

I think she has you down as a door mat and mug and thinks she can do and say anything to you and yours and you'll take it.

RetroMom · 24/05/2012 17:59

The police may not do anything but they would advise you, and your son will feel safer knowing your on his side and prepared to get the police involved when needed.

AllYoursBabooshka · 24/05/2012 17:59

I don't think you need to call the police, realistically what are they going to do?

The police would be very interested in anyone threatening a child with violence. I think they would take the matter very seriously.

RetroMom · 24/05/2012 17:59

You are...

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 18:01

Lostinmyhouse, I think you may have a point. She is quite a forceful character and v opinionated although she can be very kind.

I will speak to my partner when he's back and then maybe ring her up to talk about it, I think. I think the police is a step too far, as I don't believe her husband would harm my son, but I agree that this is totally unacceptable and I'm glad people don't think I'm over reacting.

OP posts:
bigjoeent · 24/05/2012 18:01

At this stage the parents should deal with it, by the sounds of it the parents got on to this point, you can reassure your son and make him feel safe by your actions. If the response you get is not what you want, call the police.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 18:04

Battery on this thing about to run out, I'll check back later, thanks for all replies.

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 24/05/2012 18:06

If he and your DH are friends, get him to find out the actual situation, it might be that she thought she was being funny and warning him in a jokey way (she wasn't, she was being a twat but she might have been trying). If he is actually raging, then you need to calmly say, I think it's best we all stay out of each others way from now on then the situation won't arise, and then cut them out of your lives. If she's just making it up then you can say the same really, she sounds like a twat

Reassure your son that if he did do anything to him he would go to prison for a very long time.

YouOldSlag · 24/05/2012 18:06

OP, I don't think you should discount going to the police. Whilst you don't think the DH would actually harm your son, he might speak to him in a very frightening way if they do meet, and that's not on. Your son is already frightened, show him you are in charge and the police are on side.

The police may go and speak to this man and caution him. If they don't, the DH will probably think it's OK to go around talking like to anyone who upsets his daughter. He already thinks it's OK to threaten the safety of an 11 yo boy so where is it going to end? Nip it in the bud and end the friendship.

sugarice · 24/05/2012 18:08

I hope you change your mind about helping her with the job application form. She sounds like an awful woman with no regard for anyone else's feelings and certainly doesn't deserve a friend like you.

manicbmc · 24/05/2012 18:11

She sounds very very precious about her own kids. And she's taking her son's word over yours, even though you aren't saying that your ds was blameless. She sounds vile tbh.

Reassure your ds and make sure he knows that if this man speaks to him in any way that worries him, he is to tell you straight away.

lostInMyHouse · 24/05/2012 18:19

I think getting your DP to find out what is actually going on is a good idea - may well be that this girls father said nothing of the sort and it one of those using other people as threats tactics from your 'friend'.

If this man is likely to try and 'talk' your DS then go to the school and think about approaching the police - so you know your DC is safe and he knows he doesn't have to be frightened.

I would also not be helping with the application - a simple after you spoke/threaten my son I don't think it appropriate to do that at the moment and repeat till the idea sinks in. I don't think it would be good for your son to know this person was still able to access his house after threatening him at least till its all died down or got to the bottom of.

empirestateofmind · 24/05/2012 18:20

All this unpaid child care and you get this? I agree with everything being said by the other posters.

When you see her tomorrow give her a note telling her to make alternative arrangements immediately. Don't enter into a discussion.

oopsi · 24/05/2012 18:23

YANBU
You know what they say-no good deed goes unpunished!

RubyGates · 24/05/2012 18:36

If you do go ahead with helping her with the job ap, where will the children be? I don't think it would be appropriate for them to be together. But I would't be helping her again at all.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 19:30

So, I tried to ring her, but no answer. I don't want to see her at the weekend.

My partner said that he agreed it was horrible, and he'd have a word when he saw the bloke but they're not going out tonight.

If I see her husband any time soon, I might find it hard not to call him a twat; I seem to be getting more pissed off about it as time goes on not less!

My friend has a lot of friends here (we live in a small village), I hope she doesn't go around making out that my son is a horrible child!

OP posts:
Lastofthepodpeople · 24/05/2012 19:44

Absolutely unacceptable thing to say to a child. She should apologise to him. I think you and your friend need to have a long discussion about what's been going on between the three children. And I would reconsider the free childcare.

MarySA · 24/05/2012 19:45

I'd be definitely ending the child care arrangement as soon as possible. Saying something like the arrangement isn't working and you are too tired to carry on with it. And have been told to rest. I certainly wouldn't be ringing the police at this stage. As from what I've read it does seem she was joking but really it isn't funny and not very mature adult behaviour.. She sounds a complete pain in the neck and very ungrateful.

bobbledunk · 24/05/2012 19:58

I would call her husband first and tell him his wife has been threatening your son with him and that you expect him to tell you right now whether there is any truth to that because you will have to call the police if there is. Let him shut her threats up.

The next time you speak to her tell her that you will never mind her children again for obvious reasons.

RightBuggerforit · 24/05/2012 21:29

I would go to the police, what on earth are you waiting for, she's told you twice in all seriousness that he's 'after him'. That kind of a threat is not ok, they need to know that and your ds needs some protection and reassurance. You clearly can't influence this wierdo to back of when it comes to your son, but I'm sure a visit from the police will.

RightBuggerforit · 24/05/2012 21:30

sorry *off

Evilberry · 24/05/2012 21:38

YANBU

She trusts you enough to provide free childcare, but then calls you a liar. You need to speak to her & explain again that both the boys were doing it and you dealt with it. Hopefully she won't have the cheek to ask you to do anymore childcare.

maddening · 24/05/2012 21:43

I would email her, let her know if her husband approaches your son in any manner then you will seek to take the matter further.

re-iterate what actually as happened with the children while in your care and steps you took to address the behaviour of both boys.

Let her know you are'very disappointed that she has essentially taken the children's word over yours but that is her right to do so.

That you no longer wish to continue the childcare arrangement as her remarks leave you feeling uncomfortable.

if she responds acknowledging the threat at least you have something in writing also.

I am assuming you are not interested in continuing the friendships between you and your families....

Icelollycraving · 24/05/2012 21:56

I think the calling the police would be ott, I would call her & say that you can't help her this weekend as you are pretty upset & annoyed. You need to make it very clear that you had to really calm your ds,which is a big old kick in the teeth after providing free care for months.

IcantSleep · 24/05/2012 21:57

Whilst it was a very immature and twatish comment for friends husband to make, I am wandering if it was just a stupid passing comment he made to friend, when in reality he wouldn't dream of approaching your son if he actually saw him.
What I'm really shocked at, is your friend for coming round and "passing it on" to your son. That's completely out of order, and is threatening and bullying in itself.
I would cool your relationship with her now if I were you and definitely not offer your help to her anymore.

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