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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really pissed off by my friend's comment to my son?

193 replies

Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 17:03

I have looked after my friend's two kids for the last academic year until just this week in the mornings and taken them to school with me so that she can get to work. This is unpaid, I don't know if that's relevant. The kids are in year 4 and year 6 and are both nice enough children; my son is in year seven.

The little girl is quite immature for her age , and will cry/ whine at fairly minor provocation, such as taking her glove off her on one occasion I can remember for example. My son and her brother are both guilty of this kind of thing,occasionally, it's not often just winding her up sometimes, and also of saying things like "don't be such a baby"when she reacts. I have always told the boys off, or whichever boy if it was just one of them, but she tells her mum that my son and just my son is constantly bullying her, constantly being nasty to her and on one occasion that he pushed her over six times (this was untrue, I was in the room at the time, he pushed past her on the way out and I told him off for being rude).

Anyway.....my friend has just popped round and said to my son, "you'd better stay away from X ( her husband) for your own safety, he's out to get you, I'm not joking". This is after my son said her daughter was acting like a baby on Monday, for which I told him off, also her brother said the same, but she has told her mum that just my son was saying cruel things to her all morning, and
He is a nasty bully.

I appreciate that there have been times when unkind things have been said, but Aibu to be seriously pissed off that she has basically threatened my eleven year old?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:24

sleepy the OP said the childcare came to an end BECAUSE of this.

And the DD may not have "only just mentioned it" nobody has said that.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:24

Not that that is that relevant, as nastiness isn't acceptable from either of them, so I dealt with it.

OP posts:
EverybodysSleepyEyed · 24/05/2012 22:25

I thought it was coming to an end because the OP is having a baby in the next few weeks?

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:25

She only made alternative arrangements from yesterday.

OP posts:
Clawdy · 24/05/2012 22:25

The little girl will be used to teasing from her brother,but unpleasant treatment from an older boy is far more disturbing for a child.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 24/05/2012 22:25

But if she had mentioned it, say 2 months ago, why is the mother only mentioning it now? Why would she leave her daughter in a situation she isn't comfortable with?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:27

So your son is in secondary school...she is in year 4 of primary.

Mambonumberfour · 24/05/2012 22:28

Whatever has gone on it doesn't excuse the mother physically threatening a child - there is no discussion around that.

I would not remain friends with her - end of really

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:28

sleepy I don't know....maybe she had no other way to get the child to school....some people struggle. It doesn't make it ok though...and OF COURSE it's not ok to threaten 11 year old boys but this OP has been very one sided really...he is a good bit older and the little girl has been picked on.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:28

Yes. And he said she was acting like a baby (unacceptable, dealt with), hid her glove back in about January,(ditto), and once pushed past her on the way out the door.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:30

I wouldn't keep the friendship on either not after the comment....but I do think you need to look at why your 11 year old would tease a much smaller girl like that....we travel to sschool with a number of kids...mied ages and they're all great with one another...polite etc...there's no excuse.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:30

He hasnt systematically picked on her or pushed her around. And her own brother ha been as bad, if not worse just since he's been there longer as my son leaves earlier.

OP posts:
EverybodysSleepyEyed · 24/05/2012 22:30

I still don't get it - I can understand that she would need the childcare - I can't understand why she didn't say anything to the OP earlier - not a threat but a discussion about how they could improve the situation

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:31

SO you dealt with the incidents but she still had them happen and your original OP suggested more incidents that you could not remember...

FashionEaster · 24/05/2012 22:32

She has arranged a baby shower in your house without consulting you, after threatening your child and believing you to be a liar?

I am guessing since you have been looking after her children for free all year nor challenged this appalling conduct that you are not confrontational or assertive in nature. Sorry if that is an unfair assessment OP, but it's how it reads. But I do think you need to decide where your own personal line is, what you will not tolerate, otherwise your children are going to learn that you do not keep them safe, that people are allowed to treat you/them badly and reduce their sense of self-worth. I honestly don't think I'm aggrandising this - an adult has been unpleasant to your child in a most unfair way - what will he have learnt from this episode?

Personally, I'd have it out with this 'friend' and make my views very plain.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:33

Well maybe the hcild only recently mentioned it sleepy as a child I kept quiet for eons about a boy who was basically stalking me around the village...I felt like nobody would be bothered and that I was being silly...

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 24/05/2012 22:34

Fashion you said "otherwise your children are going to learn that you do not keep them safe, that people are allowed to treat you/them badly and reduce their sense of self-worth."

And that is so true but the OPs DS has been displaying quite mean and immature behaviour himself!

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:36

She didn't recently mention it. Every incident has been dealt with once by me (in my view) and then again reported to her mum, minus her brother's involvement and wildly exaggerated ( the six times thing for example). She is not a timid child. This is the first time that my friend as deemed it serious and organised alternative child care.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 24/05/2012 22:36

I think its disgusting that she made those comments to your child OP

I cant judge on the "bullying", but to twice make a threat to a child, and now he is scared Sad

That said, you are heavily pregnant and you live in a small village, so the last thing you need is a ruck

I would have your DP handle it with him, man to man !

and as for her, withdraw your favours until you feel calmer, it does need to be adressed but I always think its best to calm down

you can always make a bullshit excuse to get out of the baby shower

yanbu

Rubirosa · 24/05/2012 22:37

Sometimes children are lovely and polite to each other. Sometimes they are mean and tease, even children younger than them, and need to be told off about it.

Of course 11 year olds should be nice to 8 years olds. Lots of children are occasionally mean though.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:37

Just after I explained I couldn't do it any more after half term due to baby and mt leave...

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 24/05/2012 22:38

thehouse, you seem to more irate with the OP than with the fact that an ADULT has twice threatended a child

shoplifting woolworth sweets versus the great train robbery, IMO

helenthemadex · 24/05/2012 22:42

you son is upset and worried, if you do nothing about this threat to your child and continue to have contact with this woman and her lying children you are effectively condoning her behaviour

I would email her as suggested by maddening, mainly because I could not get my point across very well in this sort of situation without becoming upset, and if you write an email and save it until tomorrow you can go back and look at it and alter if you think it needs it.

I would start with how disappointed that she has essentially taken the children's word over yours but that is her right to do so.

then re-iterate what actually as happened with the children while in your care and steps you took to address the behaviour of both boys

I would then state that the threats to you son have really frightened and upset him and you will not tolerate this, if her husband says anything to your son then you will take the matter further as an adult bullying a small child is never acceptable

I would end the email by saying it is very sad that you attempting to be a good friend and helping her when she needed it has ended in this way. maybe say that you really do not feel that given how upset your son is it would be appropriate to have her host a baby shower for you in your home

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 24/05/2012 22:47

I think an email might be a good idea, I am not very good at anything that could be confrontational and wouldn't like to say the wrong thing when feeling emotionl, also, we have been good friends until now ( hence the free childcare) although the childcare has not been stress free at any point due to the bickering, and also because it has been more often and for longer than originally anticipated, although that's my fault for not saying anything.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 24/05/2012 22:49

Calling the police for this is ridiculous at this stage. I would sleep on it, have a clam chat to her when you feel less irate and say that her comments upset your son and , frankly were OTT but that hopefully now that she has found other childcare you can both put it behind you,

Then distance yourself slowly but surely; you're in a small village and you have to live there. I would let this go this time but keep your distance

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